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Old 04-24-2003, 10:42 AM   #1 (permalink)
Insane
 
Transformers: The Movie rewrites

You've all seen the movie, now read some of the scirpting ideas that didn't make it!

Well, some people wonder how it is possible for so many errors to pop
up in movies like Transformers: the Movie. It's very simple, really.
The script changes so much that by the time we see the movie, it has
changed immeasurably. For example, here is the never-before-seen
ORIGINAL script to Transformers: the Movie! Be warned before you
continue: this script actually solves some of the inconsistencies
introduced in the movie!


TRANSFORMERS: THE MOVIE



Scene: Lithone. A dance club.

Ablus: Boy, it sure is great that Disco came back into style, huh?

Kranix: What, are you kidding me? There are at least a dozen major
public interest groups outside protesting this!

Crowd outside: Disco goodbye! Or we're all gonna die!

Arblus: Oh, come on! Don't tell me you also belive those silly
legends about how a giant demi-god's gonna destroy our planet if Disco
ever becomes popular again!

(Suddenly, the dance club's ceiling flies off the building and is
sucked into the sky. The walls follow soon after. You can clearly
see everything in the distance also being pulled up.)

Arblus: Blustery this time of year, isn't it?

Kranix: You fool! We're all doomed, and it's all because of Disco!

Arblus: My, aren't we judgemental today.

Kranix: That does it, I'm outta here!

(Kranix transforms into a starship and leaves as Lithone gets eaten.
Only one thing remains: a Disco ball with a pair of inwardly-pointing
horns.)



Scene: Space. Movie theme and credits.

Optimus (voiceover): It is the year 2005 AD...

Huffer (voiceover): Well of course it's AD! There's no need to say
"AD"! It's obviously not BC!

(Argument breaks out, eventually turning into a fight. A laser blast
is heard, and all is quiet)

Optimus: Now then... the year is 2005 AD...



Scene: Cybertron. Decepticon Headquarters.

Shockwave: Laserbeak returns.

Soundwave: No, Laserbeak is in my chest right now.

Shockwave: Er, Buzzsaw returns, then.

Soundwave: You can't tell them apart!

Shockwave: Can so! How do I know that you're not lying about
Laserbeak being in your chest, huh? You're a liar!

Megatron: Enough! Laserbeak, report!

(Laserbeak flies into Soundwave's chest, transforming as he goes.)

Shockwave: Aha! I knew it!

Soundwave: He was just being polite.

(Soundwave transforms and connects to a computer. Images appear.)

Optimus: Elita! Bumblebee! I don't believe it! Bumblebee, I'm
gonna send you down to Moonbase One, you little son of a --

Megatron: Skip ahead a bit.

Optimus: Elita! Cliffjumper!

Megatron: Fast forward.

Ironhide: Prime, ah'm in the mood to kill some Decepti-slime!

Megatron: Great, another Autotwink.

Shockwave: What?

Megatron: Nothing.

Optimus: That's a good idea, Ironhide. In fact, it's hard to believe
I haen't thought of it all these years. For that matter, I have no
idea why we've got tons of supplies and energon on Earth when it
should all be here in preparation for just such an occation. Must've
slipped my mind.

Megatron: A facinating look into the mind of a military genius.

Optimus: Ironhide, I want you to take a shuttle to Earth for an
energon run. Take a big one. In fact, take that huge one over there
-- the one with the broken radar system.

Ironhide: Uh, right.

Optimus: Just be thankful we got that new Microsoft Security System,
so that our enemies can't know you've all got plastic false armor
where your real armor used to be because we needed the steel plating
to build Metroplex.

Megatron: This is too good to be true. How did Laserbeak get past the
security program?

Soundwave: It crashed.

Shockwave: I'm sure glad Bill Gates is on our side.

(Ominous music ensues.)



Scene: Autobot shuttle, interior.

Ironhide: Prowl, turn that off!

Prowl: It's just music, and it's not that loud...

Ironhide: It's not music! It's the theme from "NYPD Blue" played over
and over again!

Prowl (defensively): Well, it's my tape player!

(Ship shakes)

Brawn: Oh good one! You ran into a planet!

Prowl: Without radar, you're lucky I didn't run us into a star.
Besides, I don't think that was what happened.

Brawn: How can you tell?

Prowl: Well for one thing, I heard a timer being connected to the
outer hull.

(Hull blows in. Decepticons invade. The make short work of the
Autobots.)

Megatron: Well, that was easy.

Starscream: Much easier than destroying the real threat: the Autobot
Moonbase.

Megatron: What, the one defended by Spike and Bumblebee? Are you
kidding me? A colony of petro-rabbits could overtake those two!

Starscream: They, uh, they're tougher than they look...

Megatron: Hang on... Say, haven't you been beaten by both of them in
the past?

Starscream: Er...



Scene: Earth. Lake near Autobot City. Hot Rod and Daniel are
fishing.

Hot Rod: This is stupid. I feel stupid doing this. I feel even more
stupid doing this with you.

Daniel: But we're fishing! This is fun!

Hot Rod: Geez, can't you stop trying to be cute for one second? Damn,
I wish your father was here.

(Radar thingy beeps)

Daniel: The shuttle's coming in! Let's watch them land!

Hot Rod: I can't believe it. You actually thought of something even
more boring then fishing. Hey! I caught something!

(Hot Rod yanks a large fish out of the water, which slams into Daniel,
knocking him out)

Hot Rod: Oops.

(For about 2 minutes, Hot Rod alternately looks at the limp human and
the fish.)

Hot Rod: Well, I guess I'd probably get in trouble if I just left you
here... I should take you to a repair bay or something.

(Hot Rod transforms, taking in Daniel. He zooms off. Later, he ends
up at Lookout Mountain)

Hot Rod: Well, I suppose a little detour couldn't hurt...

Daniel: Uh... where...?

Hot Rod: He's alive?! Nuts.

Daniel: Look! The shuttle! What's with the hole?

Hot Rod: Wait a minute. I have eyesight 300 times better than yours,
you've just been knocked unconscious for several minutes, and you
still see the hole before I do??

Daniel: I only do something useful twice in the whole movie. Gimme a
break.

Hot Rod: Good point. Hey, I see Megatron throught the hole in the
shuttle! Let's draw attention to ourselves!

(Hot Rod fires at the shuttle. Megatron blows away Lookout Point)

Hot Rod: Okay, I admit it: that was dumb.

Daniel: Well, duh.

Hot Rod: Great, now you're just plain annoying.

(Hot Rod saves, Daniel, etc. Meets up with Kup and they all head
back.)



Scene: Autobot City. Decepticons are attacking.

Perceptor: The opposition numeration n is asymptotically ascending --

Ultra Magnus: What? Huh? Anyone catch that?

Springer: Ten-to-one Perceptor's too cheap to buy a thesaurus.

Ultra Magnus: Nah. He's just making it up as he goes along. It's a
random word generator.

(Arcee drags in Wheeljack and Windcharger. Both look like they've had
better days.)

Arcee: Wheeljack turned on a stupid security droid without safeguards
ag-- Hey, we're under attack!

Springer: Duh. No kidding.

Ultra Magnus: Women.

Arcee: Why the hell are you guys just standing around chatting?

Springer: We're not chatting! Men don't chat!

Ultra Magnus: Yeah. We're discussing.

Springer: Well, Magnus and I are. Perceptor's babbling.

Perceptor: The inaccuracy of your linguistic depiction --

Springer: See?

Arcee: Why aren't you fighting?

Ultra Magnus: Um, we're the command element. We don't fight.

Arcee: You mean you're a pathetic coward. I hope you're not such a
weenie after the movie.

Ultra Magnus (sadly): I am.

Arcee: Ug. Say, shouldn't we transform Autobot City?

Ultra Magnus: I'm, uh, waiting for a confirmation from Prime on
that...

Arcee: Loser. C'mon, Springer, let's pull those levers and stuff.

(They leave and transform the city. Ultra Magnus pulls out a copy of
The Ancien Art of War and begins reading.)



Scene: Autobot shuttle 2. Optimus and the Dinobots are shown)

Optimus: Well, Grimlock, it's a good thing you wanted to stop off at
Earth to pick up extra bateries for you Talking Battleship ga -- er,
simulator.

Grimlock: Big fight! Me like!

Optimus: Yeah, whatever. Look! Devastator! Go get 'im, boy! Sic
'im!

(Dinobots jump out of the shuttle, yelling battle cries and a few
obscenities.)

Optimus: Can they fly?

Sunstreaker: Yes.

Optimus: Damn.

(The Dinobots and Devastator fight to a standstill (Ed: No, I don't
think Devastator won in the movie!) )



Scene: Landing pad. Autobot shuttle 2 has landed.

Optimus: Stand back, my friends! I'm about to save the City from
Decepticon Evil!

Hound: He needs a new scriptwriter.

Sunstreaker: Or brain surgery.

Sideswipe: Can you say "God Complex"?

Optimus: You know, you guys aren't very nice.

Sunstreaker: This ain't exactly Sesame Street, Bub.

Sideswipe: Though you do bear a striking resemblance to Super Grover.

(Ignoring them, Op transforms and roars into the city.)



Scene: Autobot City. Prime is in robot mode.

Megatron: Optimus Prime. We meet at last.

Optimus: Again.

Megatron: What?

Optimus: That should be "We meet again", not "We meet at last". That
is what you meant, isn't it?

Mgatron: Of course that's what I meant! You've corrected my grammar
for the last time, Prime! Prepare to die!

Optimus (clears throat): One shall stand. One shall fall.

Megatron (frowning): Couldn't we both fall?

Optimus: Well, technically...

Megatron: Enough of this! You're an idiot and you deserve to die!

(Big fight ensues)

Hot Rod: Optimus! Let me give you a hand!

Optimus: Hot Rod, no! Don't -- ah, shit.

Megatron: How convenient that I'm provided with a shield just when I
needed one.

Optimus (muttering): Now I know why Autobot Command was so damned
eager to transfer him down to Earth.

(Megatron shoots Optimus several times, then tosses away Hot Rod)

Megatron: Not so high-and-mighty now, eh?

Optimus (wheezing): I think I just swallowed one of my own RAM chips.

Megatron: That's got to hurt.

Optimus: Tell me about it.

Megatron: I've waited and eternity for this moment. It's over, Prime.

Optimus: Oh, get on with it. I don't have enough strength to fight
off a retro-rat right now.

A voice off camera: WHAT THE HELL IS A RETRO-RAT????

(Megatron steps toward Prime to finish him off, but trips over some
scrap, sending him off the edge of the platform he's on. Megatron
looksat the camera, pulls a sign out of subspace that reads "UH OH",
and proceeds to plummet down an impossibly deep chasm. His form
shrinks into the distance, replaced by a sudden puff of smoke.)

Optimus: Well, that was unexpected.

(Sound of a wooden door being broken down.)

Cyclonus (high-pitched voice): Noooooooooobody expects the Decepticon
Invasion!

Optimus: I must be close to death. I'm being bombarded with silly
Monty Python references. And by non-existent Transformers, no less.

Cyclonus: But I have this head that sorta looks like those hats that
bishops wear!

Optimus: Get rid of this guy!!

(A dozen Sharkticons run out, overpower Cyclonus, and drag him away.)



Scene: Bottom of chasm. Megatron righly looks in pretty bad shape.

Starscream: Hey, Meggy's dead! I'm the leader now, and I say let's
get outta here!

Thrust: Ooooo... Some leadership decision.

Starscream: Shut up! Everyone, get inside Astrotrain!

Astrotrain: You're joking.

Starscream: Er... I know! You can activate your TARDIS-mode circuit!

Astrotrain: What TARD -- (Starscream glares at him) -- Oh, *that*
TARDIS-mode.

(Astrotrain transforms. Decepticons shrug and enter him.)

Starscream (sighing): Shuttle mode, you moron.

Astrotrain: Hm? Oh, I get it.

(He transforms into space shuttle mode from train mode, tossing out
everyone who was inside him.)

Soundwave: Megatron, you appear to be near death. You require medical
attention if you are to survive and lead us to victory against the
Autobots. Oh well. Bye!

Megatron: Soundwave, wait!... Don't leave me here...

Soundwave: Oh... alright, Dad.

Megatron: I told you never to call me that in public!

Soundwave: As you command, Megatron.



Scene: Optimus is lying in an awkward position, clearly in a lot of
pain.

Kup: Prime did it! He turned the tide!

Optimus: Huh? Oh, yeah... right, I did. Really.

Hot Rod: Oh, but at what cost? What cost?? Primus, why?! TAKE ME,
DAMMIT! TAKE ME!!!

Kup: I knew I never should've let him enroll in the William Shatner
Acting Academy.

Optimus: H-h-hot Rod......

Hot Rod: Yes, Optimus? Do you have something to pass on to me? Words
of wisdom, or maybe even... the Matrix?

(Hot Rod tries to help Prime up. As soon as he is close enough, Prime
grabs Hot Rod by the neck and tries to choke him.)

Arcee: He's really trying to kill him! Shouldn't you do something to
stop him, Kup?

Kup: As if.



Scene: Astrotrain, interior.

Starscream: Astrotrain has requested that we lighten our load so he
can make it back to Cybertron.

Astrotrain: No I didn't!

Starscream: So let's throw out all the old and damaged, which is
coincidentally *exactly* how much we need to lighten the load by.

(A bunch of Decepticons are thrown out)

Rumble: Hey, did you see that guy we just threw out? He looked just
like you, Ramjet!

Ramjet: Oh, that was just a decoy. You know, the ones that used to
come with the toy -- I mean, the ones that, uh, someone created for
the purpose of drawing fire. Someone whose name escapes me at the
moment.

Starscream: Megatron, how it pains me to throw you out of this shuttle
and take command from you. But we have to lighten Astrotrain's
load...

Astrotrain: He said it, not me.

Starscream: ... and well, we just happen to need to throw one more
body out. So I guess that would have to be you. After all, you
yourself believe in survival of the fittest, right? You're damaged!

Megatron: So are you.

Starscream: Only in the foot!

Megatron: And I guess it doesn't hurt to be out of the line of fire
most of the fight.

Starscream: I was the command element! I'm not supposed to fight!

Megatron: Oh, and what am I?

Starscream: Dead weight, it seems!

(He throws Megatron out of the shuttle)



Scene: Autobot City. Optimus is lying on a table.

Perceptor: I'm afraid there's nothing I can do. He's dead, Jim.

Jim: I -- I can't believe it's finally over.

Ultra Magnus: Perceptor, are you done yet? Prime needs some help.

Springer: Well, that's hardly news.

Arcee: Have you no respect for the fallen?

Springer: Gee, I feel *real* bad now.

Hot Rod: You know ... I almost feel as if I were responsible for all
this.

Kup: You *were* responsible for all this! Why'd you attack a guy with
3 times your strength, quadruple your armor, and twice your height?
Did you have some kind of death wish?

Hot Rod: He was reaching for a gun...

Optimus: Excuses, excuses...

Perceptor: I'm afraid your wounds are mortal.

Optimus: Shoot. Alright, who wants the Matrix?

Hot Rod: Me!

Optimus: When Disco comes back, you punk. Anyone else?

Springer: Assuming whoever's got the Matrix will be targeted for
destruction by the Decepticons ... How about Ultra Magnus?

Optimus: Whatever. C'mere, Magnus.

Ultra Magnus: But ... I'm not worthy, Prime.

Optimus: Like you had to tell me that in person. I'm giving you this
because, well, the only one who deserves it is Grimlock, and I don't
think any of you can handle a Grimlock Prime.

(Everyone shudders)

Ultra Magnus: I'll try to live up to your example, Prime.

Springer: I can't tell: is that good or bad?

(Optimus takes the Matrix out and drops it. Hot Rod manages to grab
it.)

Hot Rod: I suddenly feel this strange urge to lead. It's almost as if
the Matrix were calling to me to command the Autobot army!

Ultra Magnus (snatching the Matrix from Hot Rod): It's more likely a
power surge in your microchips. Get a band-aid.

Optimus: S-some ... day ...

Everyone: Yeah?

Optimus: ... one will lead ... us -- ACK!

Everyone: AAAAAAAAH!

(Everyone looks about in confusion and sees Perceptor holding two
plugs in his hands)

Everyone: Plug it in! Plug it in!

Perceptor (confused): The biobed or the toaster?

Everyone: The biobed! The biobed!

(Perceptor plugs the biobed back in and Prime's eyes light up)

Optimus: As I was saying: lead us ... out of our ... darkest hour ...

Everyone: That's IT?!

Optimus: So sue me. I'd like to see *you* come up with a better death
speech.

Springer: No such luck. We all survive *long* after the movie.

Optimus: As I feared ...

(He fades into death. Would be very touching, except Kup is snoring
in the corner.)
Shades is offline  
Old 04-24-2003, 11:21 AM   #2 (permalink)
pinche vato
 
warrrreagl's Avatar
 
Location: backwater, Third World, land of cotton
Good grief, that's a lot of work. Didn't your house need re-roofing, instead?
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Old 04-24-2003, 11:34 AM   #3 (permalink)
Insane
 
I didn't write it.
Shades is offline  
Old 04-24-2003, 01:27 PM   #4 (permalink)
Insane
 
Location: Up my ass
Too..much...reading...
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Alice, that dog has been licking his own asshole for three hours. I would venture to say that there is nothing there that requires more than an hour's attention. So I would suggest that whatever he's attempting to dislodge is either gone for good....or there to stay.

-The Long Kiss Goodnight_
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Old 04-25-2003, 02:31 AM   #5 (permalink)
Psycho
 
forgotten_dream's Avatar
 
A hella long read, but worth it! Definitely much funnier if you've seen the movie. Good stuff!
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"A ouija board just works better if you've made it yourself. It's sortof like how 'Clue' is more interesting when one of you has actually killed someone."
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Old 04-25-2003, 12:52 PM   #6 (permalink)
Psycho
 
Location: Where hockey pucks run rampant
Sorry........my ADD kicked in
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Old 04-26-2003, 02:25 AM   #7 (permalink)
Psycho
 
Location: Drifting.
(Astrotrain transforms. Decepticons shrug and enter him.)

Starscream (sighing): Shuttle mode, you moron.

Astrotrain: Hm? Oh, I get it.

(He transforms into space shuttle mode from train mode, tossing out
everyone who was inside him.)


heheheh =)
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