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Old 09-01-2003, 08:03 AM   #1 (permalink)
I am the anomaly.
 
Location: Motown
BLOW JOBS - WHAT A WOMEN/MAN HAS TO SAY ON THE SUBJECT

1. First and foremost, we are not obligated to do it.

2. Extension to rule #1 - So if you get one, be grateful.

3. I don't care WHAT they did in the porn video you saw, it is not standard practice to cum on someone's face.

4. Extension to rule #3 - No, I DON'T have to swallow.

5. My ears are NOT handles.

6. Extension to rule #5 - do not push on the top of my head. Last I heard, deep throat had been done. And additionally, do you really WANT puke on your dick?

7. I don't care HOW relaxed you get, it is NEVER OK to fart.

8. Having my period does not mean that it's "hummer week" - get it through your head - I'm bloated and I feel like shit so no, I don't feel particularly obligated to blow you just because YOU can't have sex right now.

9. Extension to #8 - "Blue Balls" might have worked on high school girls - if you're that desperate, go jerk off and leave me alone.

10. If I have to pause to remove a pubic hair from my teeth, don't tell me I've just "wrecked it" for you.

11. Leaving me in bed while you go play video games immediately afterwards is highly inadvisable if you would like my behavior to be repeated in the future.

12. If you like how we do it, it's probably best not to speculate about the origins of our talent. Just enjoy the moment and be happy that we're good at it. See also rule #2 about gratitude.

13. No, it doesn't particularly taste good. And I don't care about
the protein content.

14. No, I will NOT do it while you watch TV.

15. When you hear your friends complain about how they don't get blow jobs often enough, keep your mouth shut. It is inappropriate to either sympathize or brag.

16. Just because "it's awake" when you get up does not mean I have to "kiss it good morning."


BLOW JOBS - WHAT A MAN HAS TO SAY ON THE SUBJECT




1. First of all, yes you're obligated to do it. If you don't, we will find someone (younger, prettier and dirtier) who will.

2. Second, swallowing a teaspoon full of cream is a hell of a lot easier than licking a dead fish.

3. You want to talk about farting? Does the word "queef" mean anything to you?

4. I will use your ears as I see fit. don't worry about it and be thankful I'm not pulling your hair.

5. When you're on your period, stuffing something in your mouth is the only way to stop you from bitching and moaning.
Suck it up!

6. Speaking of which, if you are bleeding for five straight days, you need all the fluids you can get. Trust me.

7. You bitch about the taste, but trust me when I tell you that we get the short end of the stick in flavor country.

8. At least there is no danger of a dick bleeding in your mouth.

9. Play with the balls.

10. No matter how good you think you are at it, we've had better.

11. Caress the ass, too. We like that!

12. Make hay when the sun shines. It's "wide awake" in the morning now, but when you get old & fat and looking for some action, I gah-ron-tee it'll be "sound asleep."

13. If you swallow, then you don't have to worry about getting any on your face, now will you?
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Last edited by marcopolo; 09-01-2003 at 08:07 AM..
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Old 09-01-2003, 08:34 AM   #2 (permalink)
Psycho
 
hah, good stuff
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Old 09-01-2003, 08:46 AM   #3 (permalink)
Addict
 
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Location: Nottingham, England
Quote:
7. I don't care HOW relaxed you get, it is NEVER OK to fart.
So that is where I've been going wrong....
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Old 09-01-2003, 09:43 AM   #4 (permalink)
Exhausted
 
Location: Northeastern US - please send help!
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!

ROFL!!
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Old 09-01-2003, 09:51 AM   #5 (permalink)
Junkie
 
o thats great

five stars here
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Old 09-01-2003, 06:01 PM   #6 (permalink)
Searching for the perfect brew!
 
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Very funny shit! Thanks
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Old 09-01-2003, 06:11 PM   #7 (permalink)
kel
WARNING: FLAMMABLE
 
Location: Ask Acetylene
Corrollary: Kissing the bearded clam is as optional as a blowjob... more so because the clam tastes worse

Corrollary #2: Trimming the bearded clam is a pre-requisite of getting it kissed... (unless your penis has hair on it which the man is also obligated to trim/shave)
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Old 09-01-2003, 06:23 PM   #8 (permalink)
Junkie
 
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Location: midwest
very good lists...and they make it easy to see how us and them can look at the same thing and see something entirely different
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Old 09-01-2003, 06:43 PM   #9 (permalink)
Tired
 
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Location: Florida
ROFL that is hilarious!
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Old 09-01-2003, 11:14 PM   #10 (permalink)
Psycho
 
Location: OMFG BRB
"hummer week"

ROLFMAO
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Old 09-02-2003, 07:26 PM   #11 (permalink)
Junkie
 
Location: 1 mile from Ground Zero
A classic!!

Glad
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Old 09-02-2003, 07:29 PM   #12 (permalink)
Crazy
 
HAHA Great...thats going to my favorites
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Old 09-02-2003, 07:31 PM   #13 (permalink)
Über-Rookie
 
Location: No longer, D.C
hehe great lists
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Old 09-02-2003, 11:50 PM   #14 (permalink)
Omnipotent Ruler Of The Tiny Universe In My Mind
 
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Location: Oreegawn
hehe, good stuff
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Old 09-03-2003, 01:13 AM   #15 (permalink)
Junkie
 
Location: chocolate city
Good rules
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Old 09-03-2003, 02:47 AM   #16 (permalink)
Insane
 
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Location: Foregin student in Texas atm.
was ok.. sligtly
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Old 09-03-2003, 03:01 AM   #17 (permalink)
Crazy
 
their ears are not handles?
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Old 09-06-2003, 06:21 PM   #18 (permalink)
tbc
Crazy
 
2. Second, swallowing a teaspoon full of cream is a hell of a lot easier than licking a dead fish. - CLASSIC!
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Old 09-07-2003, 07:38 AM   #19 (permalink)
Junkie
 
Location: Michigan
One of the best threads on here, by far. Hummer week, ahahhahah
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Old 09-07-2003, 09:29 AM   #20 (permalink)
Psycho
 
Location: Atlanta, GA
Damn those are hilarious. I got those lists in my email a few weeks ago and just cracked up reading them. I think the girl's list is funnier than the guy's, but maybe that's just me. "3. I don't care WHAT they did in the porn video you saw, it is not standard practice to cum on someone's face. " That line just kills me everytime, its great!
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Old 09-07-2003, 10:41 AM   #21 (permalink)
Upright
 
lmfao
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Old 09-07-2003, 11:06 AM   #22 (permalink)
Tilted
 
hahahaha...good one
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Old 09-08-2003, 10:09 AM   #23 (permalink)
Crazy
 
Location: Michigan
Lol i liked all of them on both sides of the list
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Old 09-08-2003, 03:21 PM   #24 (permalink)
Lust Puppy
 
yabobo's Avatar
 
Location: in your closet and in your head...
I know someone who needs to read this......last fucking night!
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Old 09-08-2003, 09:28 PM   #25 (permalink)
Psycho
 
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OMG!! ROFL!
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Old 09-09-2003, 05:14 AM   #26 (permalink)
Psycho
 
Location: PacNW
That's fucking hillarious!! The first list is definately a "post-marital" list. Why doesn't anyone tell you that shit before you put the ring on?
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Old 09-09-2003, 06:44 AM   #27 (permalink)
Crazy
 
That is pretty damn funny. "Hummer week" - pure gold. Still chuckling to myself.
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Old 09-09-2003, 07:15 AM   #28 (permalink)
Crazy
 
Location: MS
That is great I needed that! Thanks
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Old 09-09-2003, 10:25 AM   #29 (permalink)
Upright
 
Location: Yakima, WA
Bwahaha... hilarious, hilarious stuff.
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