Your new updated Employee Handbook - Tilted Forum Project Discussion Community

Bill O'Rights · 10-01-2003, 08:07 AM

DRESS CODE It is advised that you come to work dressed according to your salary. If we see you wearing $350 Prada sneakers, and carrying a $600 Gucci Bag, we assume you are doing well financially and therefore you do not need a raise. If you dress poorly, you need to learn to manage your money better, so that you may buy nicer clothes, and therefore you do not need a raise. If you dress in-between, you are right where you need to be and therefore you do not need a raise.

SICK DAYS We will no longer accept a doctor's statement as proof of sickness. If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.

PERSONAL DAYS Each employee will receive 104 personal days a year. They are called Saturday & Sunday.

BEREAVEMENT LEAVE This is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing you can do for dead friends, relatives or co-workers. Every effort should be made to have non-employees tend to the arrangements. In rare cases where employee involvement is necessary, the funeral should be scheduled in the late afternoon. We will be glad to allow you to work through your lunch hour and subsequently leave one hour early.

RESTROOM USE Entirely too much time is being spent in the restroom. There is now a strict 3 minute time limit in the stalls. At the end of three minutes, an alarm will sound, the toilet paper roll will retract, the stall door will open and a picture will be taken. After your second offense, your picture will be posted on the company bulletin board under the "Chronic Offenders" category.

LUNCH BREAK Skinny people get 30 minutes for lunch as they need to eat more, so that they can look healthy. Normal size people get 15 minutes for lunch to get a balanced meal to maintain their average figure. Fat people get 5 minutes for lunch, because that's all the time needed to drink a Slim Fast.

Thank you for your loyalty to our company. We are here to provide a positive employment experience. Therefore, all questions, comments, concerns, complaints, frustrations, irritations, aggravations, insinuations, allegations, accusations, contemplations, consternation, and input should be directed elsewhere.

Have a nice week!

THE MANAGEMENT TEAM

bluearmy · 10-01-2003, 09:43 AM

That one is going on my notice board in work, having said that it might give some managers ideas!

petergriffin24 · 10-01-2003, 11:39 AM

good stuff there I like em all much more efficient

MoNoXiDe_XXX · 10-01-2003, 04:23 PM

Yup, definatly going up at work.

10-01-2003, 08:07 AM	#1 (permalink)
Bill O'Rights will always be an Alyson Hanniganite Location: In the dust of the archives	Your new updated Employee Handbook <b><u>DRESS CODE</b></u> It is advised that you come to work dressed according to your salary. If we see you wearing $350 Prada sneakers, and carrying a $600 Gucci Bag, we assume you are doing well financially and therefore you do not need a raise. If you dress poorly, you need to learn to manage your money better, so that you may buy nicer clothes, and therefore you do not need a raise. If you dress in-between, you are right where you need to be and therefore you do not need a raise. <b><u>SICK DAYS</b></u> We will no longer accept a doctor's statement as proof of sickness. If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work. <b><u>PERSONAL DAYS</b></u> Each employee will receive 104 personal days a year. They are called Saturday & Sunday. <b><u>BEREAVEMENT LEAVE</b></u> This is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing you can do for dead friends, relatives or co-workers. Every effort should be made to have non-employees tend to the arrangements. In rare cases where employee involvement is necessary, the funeral should be scheduled in the late afternoon. We will be glad to allow you to work through your lunch hour and subsequently leave one hour early. <b><u>RESTROOM USE</b></u> Entirely too much time is being spent in the restroom. There is now a strict 3 minute time limit in the stalls. At the end of three minutes, an alarm will sound, the toilet paper roll will retract, the stall door will open and a picture will be taken. After your second offense, your picture will be posted on the company bulletin board under the "Chronic Offenders" category. <b><u>LUNCH BREAK</b></u> Skinny people get 30 minutes for lunch as they need to eat more, so that they can look healthy. Normal size people get 15 minutes for lunch to get a balanced meal to maintain their average figure. Fat people get 5 minutes for lunch, because that's all the time needed to drink a Slim Fast. Thank you for your loyalty to our company. We are here to provide a positive employment experience. Therefore, all questions, comments, concerns, complaints, frustrations, irritations, aggravations, insinuations, allegations, accusations, contemplations, consternation, and input should be directed elsewhere. Have a nice week! THE MANAGEMENT TEAM __________________ "I distrust those people who know so well what God wants them to do because I notice it always coincides with their own desires." - Susan B. Anthony "Hedonism with rules isn't hedonism at all, it's the Republican party." - JumpinJesus It is indisputable that true beauty lies within...but a nice rack sure doesn't hurt.

10-01-2003, 04:23 PM	#4 (permalink)
MoNoXiDe_XXX Psycho Location: Thunder Bay	Yup, definatly going up at work. __________________ ------------------------ I may be ugly, But at least I aint got no money!

10-01-2003, 09:43 AM	#2 (permalink)
bluearmy Insane Location: uk	That one is going on my notice board in work, having said that it might give some managers ideas!

10-01-2003, 11:39 AM	#3 (permalink)
petergriffin24 Insane	good stuff there I like em all much more efficient