Geek Jokes - Page 4 - Tilted Forum Project Discussion Community

jlickx · 07-02-2003, 12:47 PM

A doctor a clergyman and an engineer are out golfing and things are going very slowly with the group in front of them. No one wants to comment at first but by the 7th hole they are all livid and ask the ranger if he would allow them to play through.

The ranger says, "Oh, I thought you knew that today is the blind golfers outing and we apologize for the delay but ask that you bear with us". Each one of the gentlemen is a little embarrassed that they had made some rude comments about the slow play.

The Doctor mentions that it has been proven very therapeutic for handicapped people to have active life styles. The clergyman notes that Gods gifts extend beyond the loss of sight and should be glorified.

The engineer looks at the ranger perplexed and asks, why cant they just play at night?

uncle phil · 07-03-2003, 02:21 AM

This big-city PC dealer bought a farm. He didn't have the faintest idea what to do first, so he went for a walk to look around. As he walked through a gate, he felt something soft under his feet, and a none-too-pleasant smell hit his nostrils. Looking down, he found he was standing right in the centre of a warm squishy, just-laid prairie-cake. A look of terror came into his eyes. "Help!" he shouted, "I'm melting!"

bravo49 · 07-03-2003, 02:29 AM

Half-way through I lost the will to live

CountChocula7 · 07-03-2003, 09:57 PM

Uncle Phil you suck.
Every joke is "mathematicians reduce it to something previously solved"
Booooo.

uncle phil · 07-04-2003, 03:25 AM

Following the success of their object oriented version of C, C++, AT&T are rumoured to be working on a similar version of Cobol. Although the working name of the project is Cobol++, the product brand name will of course respect the maturity of the marketplace. It will be called ADD_ONE_TO_COBOL.

uncle phil · 07-07-2003, 02:36 AM

This fellow who had worked in advertising/marketing died and, upon entering heaven, met St. Peter. St. Peter said, "In the interest of fairness, we want to give you the option to stay here in heaven, or to go to hell. You can look around here for a few minutes, then go visit hell for a while before you decide. The catch is that your decision is final--no changing your mind."

So, the fellow started walking around heaven; what he saw, he thought to be a bit boring. People were playing horseshoes, bridge, drinking tea. It wasn't bad, but it did look kind of slow. He mentioned this to St. Peter, and asked for his visit to hell before his decision.

Immediately, he found himself standing in front of two huge doors imprinted with "HELL." Expecting the handle to be hot, he reached gingerly for it. Surprisingly, the handle was cool to the touch. Proceeding through the doors, he found a flurry of activity. People were standing around eating, drinking, dancing--in general having a great time. The marketing fellow thought that this looked like much more fun than heaven, so he promptly returned to St. Peter and told him that he had chosen hell.

Once again, he found himself in front of the huge doors. Reaching to open the door, he scorched his hand on the blisteringly hot handle. After entering, he was faced with a wall of flame, and he could hear horrendous screaming and moaning. He stood there, incredulous. The devil walked up and asked if there was some problem. "Yes," the fellow replied, "I was just down here ten minutes ago, and it wasn't hot, and people were partying and having a great time! What happened?"

"Well," the devil replied, "that was a demo!!"

uncle phil · 07-08-2003, 02:10 AM

Prof: Some people have proposed using Krypton gas in scintillator detectors.

Grad Student: Won't that scare away the superstrings?

uncle phil · 07-09-2003, 02:40 AM

Q: "How many computer scientists does it take to screw in a light bulb?"

A: "Five. Two to write the specifications, one to prove their validity and two to implement it."

Q: "Well, how many hackers does it take?"

A: "One. But, hackers don't turn on the lights."

TIO · 07-09-2003, 09:09 AM

How to Hunt Elephants

Mathematicians hunt elephants by going to Africa, throwing
out everything that is not an elephant, and catching one of
whatever is left. Professors of mathematics prove the
existence of at least one elephant and leave the capture of
an actual elephant as an exercise for one of their graduate
students.

Computer scientists hunt elephants using algorithm A:

1. Go to Africa
2. Start at the Cape of Good Hope
3. Work northward in an orderly manner, traversing the
continent alternately East and West.
4. During each traverse
a. Catch each animal seen
b. Compare each animal caught to a known elephant
c. Stop when a match is detected.

Experienced computer programmers modify Algorithm A by
placing a known elephant in Cairo to ensure that the
algorithm will terminate.

Engineers hunt elephants by going to Africa, catching gray
animals at random, and stopping when any one of them weighs
within plus or minus 15 percent of any previously observed
elephant.

Statisticians hunt the first animal they see N times and
call it an elephant.

uncle phil · 07-10-2003, 02:51 AM

In a rash of lawsuits inspired by suits by Xerox against Apple and Apple against Microsoft/HP, the whole computer industry was thrown into a tizzy when Digital Equipment, IBM, Unisys, and AT&T agreed to form the Open Lawsuit Foundation (OLF). "We are totally against proprietary lawsuits," said a DEC spokesman. "We want standards in lawsuits."

An IBM spokesman concurred. "We have sued everyone from little companies like Big Blue Inc. to Hitachi but we have always had proprietary suits. Now to show our leadership in the standards industry, we intend to standardize on our suits." When asked to comment, a Sun Microsystems representative stated, "We don't wear suits at Sun."

uncle phil · 07-11-2003, 02:48 AM

MATHEMATICS PURITY TEST

Count the number of yeses, subtract from 60, and divide by 0.6.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

The Basics

1) Have you ever been excited about math?
2) Had an exciting dream about math?
3) Made a mathematical calculation?
4) Manipulated the numerator of an equation?
5) Manipulated the denominator of an equation?
6) On your first problem set?
7) Worked on a problem set past 3:00 a.m.?
8) Worked on a problem set all night?
9) Had a hard problem?
10) Worked on a problem continuously for more than 30 minutes?
11) Worked on a problem continuously for more than four hours?
12) Done more than one problem set on the same night (i.e. both
started and finished them)?
13) Done more than three problem sets on the same night?
14) Taken a math course for a full year?
15) Taken two different math courses at the same time?
16) Done at least one problem set a week for more than four months?
17) Done at least one problem set a night for more than one month
(weekends excluded)?
18) Done a problem set alone?
19) Done a problem set in a group of three or more?
20) Done a problem set in a group of 15 or more?
21) Was it mixed company?
22) Have you ever inadvertently walked in upon people doing
a problem set?
23) And joined in afterwards?
24) Have you ever used food doing a problem set?
25) Did you eat it all?
26) Have you ever had a domesticated pet or animal walk over
you while you were doing a problem set?
27) Done a problem set in a public place where you might be discovered?
28) Been discovered while doing a problem set?

Kinky Stuff

29) Have you ever applied your math to a hard science?
30) Applied your math to a soft science?
31) Done an integration by parts?
32) Done two integration by parts in a single problem?
33) Bounded the domain and range of your function?
34) Used the domination test for improper integrals?
35) Done Newton's Method?
36) Done the Method of Frobenius?
37) Used the Sandwich Theorem?
38) Used the Mean Value Theorem?
39) Used a Gaussian surface?
40) Used a foreign object on a math problem (eg: calculator)?
41) Used a program to improve your mathematical technique (eg: MACSYMA)?
42) Not used brackets when you should have?
43) Integrated a function over its full period?
44) Done a calculation in three-dimensional space?
45) Done a calculation in n-dimensional space?
46) Done a change of bases?
47) Done a change of bases specifically in order to magnify your vector?
48) Worked through four complete bases in a single night (eg: using the
Gram-Schmidt method)?
49) Inserted a number into an equation?
50) Calculated the residue of a pole?
51) Scored perfectly on a math test?
52) Swallowed everything your professor gave you?
53) Used explicit notation in your problem set?
54) Purposefully omitted important steps in your problem set?
55) Padded your own problem set?
56) Been blown away on a test?
57) Blown away your professor on a test?
58) Have you ever multiplied 23 by 3?
59) Have you ever bounded your Bessel function so that the membrane
did not shoot to infinity?

69) Have you ever understood the following quote: "The relationship between Z^0 to C_0, B_0, and H_0 is an example of a general principle which we have encountered: the kernel of the adjoint of a linear transformation is both the annihilator space of the image of the transformation and also the dual space of the quotient of the space of which the image is a subspace by the image subspace."

TIO · 07-11-2003, 07:59 AM

I'm 13.3333333...% maths-pure. And yes, I did understand the last quote.

Merlocke · 07-13-2003, 11:00 PM

I can't believe this one's not in it yet... (unless I missed it - god my eyes hurt from all this reading on my crappy monitor)

Programmer Dies in the shower.
Shampoo bottle found clutched in his hands with instructions.
Lather, Rinse, Repeat...

uncle phil · 07-14-2003, 02:47 AM

Five English gentlemen and one American computer programmer are walking along the Thames, discussing terms of venery. (Terms of venery are names for groups of animals, such as "pod" of whales or "exaltation" of larks.) They see three English prostitutes, and wonder what the term of venery is for them.

The first English gentleman says, "A fanfare of strumpets."
The second says, "No, it's a trey of tarts."
The third says, "No, a volume of Trollope's." [Trollope was an essayist.]
The fourth says, "Nope, a pride of loins."
The fifth says, "No, I say it's an anthology of English prose."
And the programmer says, "It's a string of cache misses."

uncle phil · 07-15-2003, 02:42 AM

These days it's quite common for messages on social-oriented bulletin boards to end with signoffs like "Hi and hugs to everybody." In fact, this has become so popular that as much as 7.5% of the disk space on some BBS's is currently devoted to this particular comment. The International Committee for Relatively Pointless Abbreviations and Badly Misspelled Acronyms (SPUDS) has just released a new, internationally approved list of abbreviated signoffs. These include:

ooo hugs
xxx kisses
OOO big hugs
XXX big kisses
oo hugs for everybody but you
OO! big, excited hugs
CCC hugs for people you can't quite reach around
OOQ hugging with tongue
xx@ kisses and earlobe nibbling
zzz snoring
yyy anything that occurs between kissing and snoring
H handshake
kkk alternate form of "handshakes for all"
KKK white robes for all
AAA talk-show not-really kissing
[X] kissing in the closet
XYZZY a kiss that moves you
MMM same as WWW, but from inversion boots
LLL armwrestles for all
OOO~~~ big hugs and large caterpillars for all
))) smiles for all
TTT trees for all
jjj gooses for all
JJJ big gooses for all
OOOXXXYYYZZZ this is illegal before marriage in nine states
OOOXXXyZZZZZ still illegal, but generally not nearly as well received

Remember, there is much more work to be done to codify and abbreviate excessively clear and understandable sign-off messages and replace them with efficient and incomprehensible international symbols. Please contribute money, suggestions, and chocolate to this worthy cause, and help make conversation boards a better place for assembly-language programmers.

Akira · 07-15-2003, 05:55 PM

Programmer Dies in the shower.
Shampoo bottle found clutched in his hands with instructions.
Lather, Rinse, Repeat... ---
That's a good one. Although you think he would have run out of shampoo first?

uncle phil · 07-16-2003, 03:32 AM

The Software Development Process

(Borrowed from an overhead slide used by a major workstation manufacturer)

1) Order the T-shirts for the Development team

2) Announce availability

3) Write the code

4) Write the manual

5) Hire a Product Manager

6) Spec the software (Writing the specs after the code helps to ensure that the software meets the specifications)

7) Ship

8) Test (the customers are a big help here)

9) Identify bugs as potential enhancements

10) Announce the upgrade program

macmanmike6100 · 07-16-2003, 07:10 AM

lol this is a great oldie; thanks!

uncle phil · 07-17-2003, 02:40 AM

"I heard that people are getting laid off at IBM. I bet they open their pay envelopes and find, "This paycheck intentionally left blank."

player_slayer · 07-17-2003, 09:34 AM

some are funny some arent

uncle phil · 07-18-2003, 02:37 AM

Microsloshed Corporation of Smoke'em, Washington introduces the most fantabulous operating system overlay ever, a high-performance GUI (Generally Useless Interface) that will transform your measly old command-line driven PC into a state-of-the-art multitasking system!

M I C R O S L O S H E D W A L L S
o Microsloshed Walls frees you from the worries of incompatible hardware--in fact, if any part of your computer is in the tiniest respect different from an original IBM PC, Microsloshed Walls will pretend it doesn't exist and lock up when you try to install the drivers--automatically!

o Complicated and cumbersome command-line functions have been replaced by simple, intuitive mouse-driven commands without confusing options or user-burdening functionality.

o Microsloshed Walls version 3.0 is a major step forward--boldly abandoning the restraints of compatibility with either DOS or Walls 2.9 applications while not making you waste your time learning new features or capabilities.

o Conventional DOS programs are limited to a mere 640K of memory; Microsloshed Walls will use up every last byte of memory on your computer and more!

o Microsloshed Walls provides your programs with a uniform user interface so simple and easy to use that all your applications will look and act exactly the same. Whether you're using a telecommunications package or a compiler, you'll be completely unable to tell them apart!

o Several of the functions of the Microsloshed applications you've grown to love under DOS will still work some of the time under Walls and a variety of Microsloshed products are very nearly supported by Microsloshed Walls including Expell, QuirkC, QuirkBASIC, QuirkPascal, and QuirkRATFOR.

o The popular word processing program Microsloshed Wart has been fully updated and modified just for Walls, making it totally unlike Microsloshed Wart while still retaining the same name.

o Microsloshed Walls includes its own special version of QEMMMM (Quirky Extraneous Massive Memory Multi-Mangler) converting your system's extraneous memory into impacted memory which can be more efficiently wasted by Walls.

We guarantee that, when you install Microsloshed Walls on your computer, you'll kiss your old DOS prompt goodbye. In fact, after just one session with Microsloshed Walls, you may never use any of your old programs again.

Microsloshed. Software that makes your computer obsolete.

uncle phil · 07-21-2003, 02:37 AM

From the Star Fleet Programmer's Style Guide:

(1) If your robot is programmed to destroy all imperfection, make sure it excludes itself (the "Nomad" rule).

(2) Never allow calculation of the exact value of pi.

(3) Be sure your machines are programmed to ignore Three Stooges routines (This is known as Harry Mudd's Law).

(4) Self-destruct routines are never carried through, so there is no need to program them as anything more than a cosmetic shell. But be sure the countdown always runs past 1, to the last millisecond before the ship blows up, for dramatic values.

(5) Include standard protections against viruses, Trojans, worms, and the ghosts of 19th-Century serial killers.

(6) Women programmers are not allowed, as they always program the computer to giggle and call the captain, "Honey." We have enough virility problems because they make us wear tights and those silly boots and velour shirts. We don't need this shit, too.

uncle phil · 07-22-2003, 03:26 AM

The Advanced User's Guide
to the DEC Rainbow PC100 User's Guide

CONTENTS

Chapter 1. Introduction...2
How to Use this Book...2
How to Get Help...3
Book Organization...5
Conventions Used...43

Chapter 2. Getting Started...76
Chapter 2 Layout...76
How Chapter 2 Differs from Chapter 1...88
How to use the Rainbow On/Off Switch...94
Using the "Return" key...112
What To Do Next...120

Chapter 3. Using the User's Guide...143
How to Use Chapter 3...143
Detailed Description of Chapter 3...165
Why Chapter 3 Is So Important...185
How To Get Help Using Chapter 3...190
Summary of Chapter 3...192
What To Do Next...195

Chapter 4. Advanced User...202
Intended Reader...202
What To Do Next...202

Appendix A. Using a Book...203

Index...302

Copyright Notice: No part of this book may, for any reason or in any circumstances, be copied, transmitted, reproduced, reprinted, or recorded in any form or by any means or method, including, but not limited to, photocopying, recording on any information or retrieval system, copying by any means whether mechanical or electronic, or verbally communicating any part, portion, or subset of this book in any form. Digital Equipment Corporation makes no claims, either explicit or implied, as to the suitability, quality, completeness, correctness, usefulness, or taste of this or any other product.

Chapter 1. Introduction

In this chapter, you will read an introduction. It also provides some practical experience in using a book. If you are unfamiliar with the use of a book, refer to Appendix A, "Using a Book."

How To Use This Book
To use this book, you must begin by doing the following:

1. Buy the Advanced User's Guide to The Rainbow PC100 User's Guide, DEC part number G45-435600123-TRY09879-34563-2-12

2. Remove the Guide from its box. This is most easily done by a) opening the box, b) grasping the Guide with your right hand, and c) pulling the Guide from the box.

3. Turn to Chapter 1, page 2. Look for the place that says, "4. Begin reading...."

4. Begin reading. Complete details on how to read may be found in any Elementary School education.

How To Get Help

If at any time you need assistance with this Guide call the DEC help number. Complete details on how to use a telephone to call DEC may be found in the manual "How To Use a Telephone to Call DEC."

uncle phil · 07-23-2003, 02:54 AM

Logical Laws & Accurate Axioms

You can always tell a really good idea by the enemies it makes. --Programmers' axiom

Everything always takes twice as long and costs four times as much as you planned. --Programmers' axiom

It's never the technical stuff that gets you in trouble, it's the personalities and the politics. --Programmers' saying

Living with a programmer is easy. All you need is the patience of a saint. --Programmers' spouses' saying

Applications programming is a race between software engineers, who strive to produce idiot-proof programs, and the Universe which strives to produce bigger idiots. --Software engineers' saying

So far the Universe is winning. --Applications programmers' saying

The three most dangerous things in the world are a programmer with a soldering iron, a hardware type with a program patch and a user with an idea. --Computer saying

You can't do just one thing. --Campbell's Law of everything

Friends come and go, but enemies accumulate. --Murphy's law #1024

...and sometimes the real trick is telling the difference. --Murphy's law #1024a

Whenever you use a jump, be sure of your destination address. --Programmers' saying

If you eat a live toad first thing in the morning, nothing worse will happen all day long. --California saying

To you or the toad? --Niven's restatement of California saying

...well, most of the time, anyway. --Programmers' caveat to Niven's restatement of California saying

uncle phil · 07-24-2003, 03:27 AM

Apple Corporation Sues Itself.

[AP] In a move that has industrial analysts scratching their heads, Apple Computers has filed suit against Apple Computer, Inc. The company claims that Apple has violated the Look and Feel of their own machines which has helped to make the company famous.

An Apple Spokesperson stated "This is no joke. If we don't protect our copyrighted interface, everyone will use it and we could lose the exclusive right. So it is in our best interests to sue anyone who uses the Macintosh Look and Feel, including ourselves." The spokesperson says Apple has retained the prestigious LA law firm of Kukla, Fran and Ollie to spearhead the lawsuit. Apple's in house lawyers will defend.

Long time Apple observer Ernest Dinklefwat stated that this is a sure sign that Apple has too many lawyers and not enough engineers. "In the old days Apple depended on its talented engineers to keep ahead of the competition, but now they have lost the edge, as well as their grasp on reality."

The industry will be sure to watch this case closely. If Apple wins the suit against itself, this could mean a massive recall of all Macintosh and Lisa computers which will need to be converted to avoid all graphics and desktop metaphors and instead provide a simple terminal-like interface. Such a move would cause a massive digression in the personal computer market. Users of computers would be forced to learn to read, which could cause dangerous literacy among college students and professionals.

uncle phil · 07-25-2003, 03:41 AM

The default uninitialized value for registers on the IBM RS/6000 under AIX is hex -21524111. Printed out as a 32-bit unsigned quantity, this is:

DEADBEEF

Never knew IBM programmers were allowed to have a sense of humor!

uncle phil · 07-28-2003, 03:21 AM

IBM and DEC decided to have a boat race, on the Thames, following the famous Oxford vs. Cambridge course.

Both teams practiced hard, and came the big day, they were as ready as they could be.

IBM won by a mile.

Afterwards, the DEC team were very downhearted, and a decision was made that the reason for the crushing defeat had to be found, so a working party was set up to investigate and report.

Well, they had everybody on the working party, Sales, Systems Engineering, Marketing, Customer Education, Field Service, the whole lot, and after 3 months they came up with the answer, and the working party co-ordinator gave his summary presentation.

"The problem was," he said, "that IBM had 8 people rowing and 1 steering, whereas we had 1 person rowing and 8 steering."

The working party was then asked to go away and come up with a plan to prevent a recurrence the following year, for DEC's pride had been damaged, and another defeat was not wanted.

2 months later, the working party had worked out a plan, and the coordinator gave his (customarily brief) summary--

"The guy rowing has got to work harder"

uncle phil · 07-29-2003, 03:30 AM

A computer engineer, a systems analyst, and a programmer were driving down a mountain when the brakes gave out. They screamed down the mountain, gaining speed, and finally managed to grind to a halt, more by luck than anything else, just inches from a thousand foot drop to jagged rocks. They all got out of the car.

The computer engineer said, "I think I can fix it."

The systems analyst said, "No, I think we should take it into town and have a specialist look at it."

The programmer said, "OK, but first I think we should get back in and see if it does it again."

uncle phil · 07-30-2003, 03:45 AM

Man talking to prostitute: "How much to get screwed?"

"$100" replied the hooker.

"$100? Are you kidding? Who do you think you are, a computer consultant?"

uncle phil · 07-31-2003, 03:22 AM

A new benchmark has been released which accurately measures the speed of any computer. The computer is pushed off the top of a building, and speed calculated by multiplying by 32.2 fps squared.

The MIPS (Meaningless Index of Plummeting Speed) rating is the raw value times the number of CPUs. This is called the FallingStone benchmark.

uncle phil · 08-01-2003, 03:23 AM

A is for APPLE who sent us our Macs,
D is for DEC, and they sold us a Vax.
C is the language in which we write source,
and B is our sort, which is BROKEN, of course.

E is an ERROR when code is compiled,
F is a FORK for creating a child,
G is the GETTY that sits on the line,
and H is a HANGUP whic:^?{^Zo^?{bD^]NO CARRIER

I is the INTERCONNECTION of kit,
J is the JOY when the cables all fit.
K is for KERMIT, to copy a file,
and L are the LINES that we drop all the while.

M is the MODEM we use from our home,
N are the NIGHTS which we spend on the 'phone,
O is the OUTPUT we get from the host,
and P are the 'PHONE BILLS we get in the post.

Q for SIGQUIT makes our process abort,
R is the REASON sigquit should be caught.
S is the SIGNAL we catch and ignore,
and T is the TRAP which we miss, and dump core.

U is for UNIX--I hope that is clear,
V is the VISUAL editor here.
W stands for the WINDOWS we use,
and X for the windowing system we choose.

Y is for YACC, quite a specialist tool,
Z for the snores from the programming pool.

uncle phil · 08-04-2003, 01:49 PM

This was found on a sig file on another group: "Programming is like sex: One mistake and you have to support for a lifetime."

niobius2 · 08-04-2003, 03:55 PM

ahhahhahah

Akira · 08-04-2003, 04:55 PM

This is becoming one of my favorite threads although thats kind of sad that I get all these jokes. Anyways here's one of my favorite jokes:
The Evolution of a Programmer

High School/Jr.High

10 PRINT "HELLO WORLD"
20 END

First year in College

program Hello(input, output)
begin
writeln('Hello World')
end.

Senior year in College

(defun hello
(print
(cons 'Hello (list 'World))))

New professional

#include <stdio.h>
void main(void)
{
char *message[] = {"Hello ", "World"};
int i;

for(i = 0; i < 2; ++i)
printf("%s", message[i]);
printf("\n");
}

Seasoned professional

#include <iostream.h>
#include <string.h>

class string
{
private:
int size;
char *ptr;

public:
string() : size(0), ptr(new char('\0')) {}

string(const string &s) : size(s.size)
{
ptr = new char[size + 1];
strcpy(ptr, s.ptr);
}

~string()
{
delete [] ptr;
}

friend ostream &operator <<(ostream &, const string &);
string &operator=(const char *);
};

ostream &operator<<(ostream &stream, const string &s)
{
return(stream << s.ptr);
}

string &string:

perator=(const char *chrs)
{
if (this != &chrs)
{
delete [] ptr;
size = strlen(chrs);
ptr = new char[size + 1];
strcpy(ptr, chrs);
}
return(*this);
}

int main()
{
string str;

str = "Hello World";
cout << str << endl;

return(0);
}

Master Programmer

[
uuid(2573F8F4-CFEE-101A-9A9F-00AA00342820)
]
library LHello
{
// bring in the master library
importlib("actimp.tlb");
importlib("actexp.tlb");

// bring in my interfaces
#include "pshlo.idl"

[
uuid(2573F8F5-CFEE-101A-9A9F-00AA00342820)
]
cotype THello
{
interface IHello;
interface IPersistFile;
};
};

[
exe,
uuid(2573F890-CFEE-101A-9A9F-00AA00342820)
]
module CHelloLib
{

// some code related header files
importheader(<windows.h>);
importheader(<ole2.h>);
importheader(<except.hxx>);
importheader("pshlo.h");
importheader("shlo.hxx");
importheader("mycls.hxx");

// needed typelibs
importlib("actimp.tlb");
importlib("actexp.tlb");
importlib("thlo.tlb");

[
uuid(2573F891-CFEE-101A-9A9F-00AA00342820),
aggregatable
]
coclass CHello
{
cotype THello;
};
};

#include "ipfix.hxx"

extern HANDLE hEvent;

class CHello : public CHelloBase
{
public:
IPFIX(CLSID_CHello);

CHello(IUnknown *pUnk);
~CHello();

HRESULT __stdcall PrintSz(LPWSTR pwszString);

private:
static int cObjRef;
};

#include <windows.h>
#include <ole2.h>
#include <stdio.h>
#include <stdlib.h>
#include "thlo.h"
#include "pshlo.h"
#include "shlo.hxx"
#include "mycls.hxx"

int CHello::cObjRef = 0;

CHello::CHello(IUnknown *pUnk) : CHelloBase(pUnk)
{
cObjRef++;
return;
}

HRESULT __stdcall CHello::PrintSz(LPWSTR pwszString)
{
printf("%ws\n", pwszString);
return(ResultFromScode(S_OK));
}

CHello::~CHello(void)
{

// when the object count goes to zero, stop the server
cObjRef--;
if( cObjRef == 0 )
PulseEvent(hEvent);

return;
}

#include <windows.h>
#include <ole2.h>
#include "pshlo.h"
#include "shlo.hxx"
#include "mycls.hxx"

HANDLE hEvent;

int _cdecl main(
int argc,
char * argv[]
) {
ULONG ulRef;
DWORD dwRegistration;
CHelloCF *pCF = new CHelloCF();

hEvent = CreateEvent(NULL, FALSE, FALSE, NULL);

// Initialize the OLE libraries
CoInitializeEx(NULL, COINIT_MULTITHREADED);

CoRegisterClassObject(CLSID_CHello, pCF, CLSCTX_LOCAL_SERVER,
REGCLS_MULTIPLEUSE, &dwRegistration);

// wait on an event to stop
WaitForSingleObject(hEvent, INFINITE);

// revoke and release the class object
CoRevokeClassObject(dwRegistration);
ulRef = pCF->Release();

// Tell OLE we are going away.
CoUninitialize();

return(0); }

extern CLSID CLSID_CHello;
extern UUID LIBID_CHelloLib;

CLSID CLSID_CHello = { /* 2573F891-CFEE-101A-9A9F-00AA00342820 */
0x2573F891,
0xCFEE,
0x101A,
{ 0x9A, 0x9F, 0x00, 0xAA, 0x00, 0x34, 0x28, 0x20 }
};

UUID LIBID_CHelloLib = { /* 2573F890-CFEE-101A-9A9F-00AA00342820 */
0x2573F890,
0xCFEE,
0x101A,
{ 0x9A, 0x9F, 0x00, 0xAA, 0x00, 0x34, 0x28, 0x20 }
};

#include <windows.h>
#include <ole2.h>
#include <stdlib.h>
#include <string.h>
#include <stdio.h>
#include "pshlo.h"
#include "shlo.hxx"
#include "clsid.h"

int _cdecl main(
int argc,
char * argv[]
) {
HRESULT hRslt;
IHello *pHello;
ULONG ulCnt;
IMoniker * pmk;
WCHAR wcsT[_MAX_PATH];
WCHAR wcsPath[2 * _MAX_PATH];

// get object path
wcsPath[0] = '\0';
wcsT[0] = '\0';
if( argc > 1) {
mbstowcs(wcsPath, argv[1], strlen(argv[1]) + 1);
wcsupr(wcsPath);
}
else {
fprintf(stderr, "Object path must be specified\n");
return(1);
}

// get print string
if(argc > 2)
mbstowcs(wcsT, argv[2], strlen(argv[2]) + 1);
else
wcscpy(wcsT, L"Hello World");

printf("Linking to object %ws\n", wcsPath);
printf("Text String %ws\n", wcsT);

// Initialize the OLE libraries
hRslt = CoInitializeEx(NULL, COINIT_MULTITHREADED);

if(SUCCEEDED(hRslt)) {

hRslt = CreateFileMoniker(wcsPath, &pmk);
if(SUCCEEDED(hRslt))
hRslt = BindMoniker(pmk, 0, IID_IHello, (void **)&pHello);

if(SUCCEEDED(hRslt)) {

// print a string out
pHello->PrintSz(wcsT);

Sleep(2000);
ulCnt = pHello->Release();
}
else
printf("Failure to connect, status: %lx", hRslt);

// Tell OLE we are going away.
CoUninitialize();
}

return(0);
}

Apprentice Hacker

#!/usr/local/bin/perl
$msg="Hello, world.\n";
if ($#ARGV >= 0) {
while(defined($arg=shift(@ARGV))) {
$outfilename = $arg;
open(FILE, ">" . $outfilename) || die "Can't write $arg: $!\n";
print (FILE $msg);
close(FILE) || die "Can't close $arg: $!\n";
}
} else {
print ($msg);
}
1;

Experienced Hacker

#include <stdio.h>
#define S "Hello, World\n"
main(){exit(printf(S) == strlen(S) ? 0 : 1);}

Seasoned Hacker

% cc -o a.out ~/src/misc/hw/hw.c
% a.out

Guru Hacker

% echo "Hello, world."

New Manager

10 PRINT "HELLO WORLD"
20 END

Middle Manager

mail -s "Hello, world." bob@b12
Bob, could you please write me a program that prints "Hello,
world."?
I need it by tomorrow.
^D

Senior Manager

% zmail jim
I need a "Hello, world." program by this afternoon.

Chief Executive

% letter
letter: Command not found.
% mail
To: ^X ^F ^C
% help mail
help: Command not found.
% damn!
!: Event unrecognized
% logout

uncle phil · 08-05-2003, 03:37 AM

Elegant, adj, of code: when the description of the algorithm a code implements is longer than the code itself.

Hack, adj, of code: when the description of the function of a line of code is longer than the line itself.

uncle phil · 08-06-2003, 04:54 AM

Conversation overheard between a 5-year-old and a 3-year-old:

Little brother: What do I do now?
Big brother: Throw the toilet paper in the toilet.
Little brother: Like this?
Big brother: Yeah.
Little brother: Now what?
Big brother: Hit "ENTER."
Little brother: "ENTER"?
Big brother: I mean "flush."

uncle phil · 08-07-2003, 08:58 AM

Then there was the man who was so imbued with science that he sent two of his children to Sunday school and kept the other two home as controls.

dragon2fire · 08-07-2003, 11:15 AM

so very bad great therd uncle phil

uncle phil · 08-08-2003, 04:05 AM

Earlier this week, a Microsoft security guard caught two non-Microsoft employees playing volleyball on our campus volleyball court and asked them to leave the premises.

When asked by a fellow employee how he knew that the two were not Microsoft employees, the guard replied:

"They had tans."

Batman976 · 08-10-2003, 01:14 AM

This thread is hilarious. This from Al Lowe's Humor Site:

Private Function getProgrammerExcuse() As String

Dim myExcuses(1 to 21) As String

myExcuses(1) = "Did you check for a virus on your system?",

myExcuses(2) = "Didn't I fix that already?",
myExcuses(3) = "Even though it doesn't work, how does it feel?",
myExcuses(4) = "Has the operating system been updated?",
myExcuses(5) = "How is that possible?",
myExcuses(6) = "I can't test everything!",
myExcuses(7) = "I haven't touched that module in weeks!",
myExcuses(8) = "I thought I fixed that.",
myExcuses(9) = "I'm almost ready.",
myExcuses(10) = "It must be a hardware problem.",
myExcuses(11) = "It will be done in no time at all.",
myExcuses(12) = "It worked yesterday.",
myExcuses(13) = "It works, but it's not been tested.",
myExcuses(14) = "It's already there, but it has not been tested.",
myExcuses(15) = "It's just some unlucky coincidence.",
myExcuses(16) = "It's never done that before.",
myExcuses(17) = "I've never heard about that.",
myExcuses(18) = "Must be a virus.",
myExcuses(19) = "Of course, I just have to do these small fixes.",
myExcuses(20) = "Oh, that? It's a feature.",
myExcuses(21) = "Probably user error.",
myExcuses(22) = "Somebody must have changed my code.",
myExcuses(23) = "That's not a bug, it's an undocumented feature.",
myExcuses(24) = "There is something wrong in your test data.",
myExcuses(25) = "This can't do that!",
myExcuses(26) = "Well, the program needs some fixing.",
myExcuses(27) = "What did you type in wrong to get it to crash?",
myExcuses(28) = "Where were you when the program blew up?",
myExcuses(29) = "Why would you want to do it that way?",
myExcuses(30) = "You can't use that version on your system.",
myExcuses(31) = "You must have the wrong executable.",
myExcuses(32) = "Your machine must be broken."
Dim randomChoice As New Random(UBound(myExcuses))
Dim iRandomChoice As Integer = randomChoice.Next()

Return myExcuses(iRandomChoice)

End Function

07-03-2003, 02:21 AM	#122 (permalink)
uncle phil comfortably numb... Super Moderator Location: upstate	This big-city PC dealer bought a farm. He didn't have the faintest idea what to do first, so he went for a walk to look around. As he walked through a gate, he felt something soft under his feet, and a none-too-pleasant smell hit his nostrils. Looking down, he found he was standing right in the centre of a warm squishy, just-laid prairie-cake. A look of terror came into his eyes. "Help!" he shouted, "I'm melting!" __________________ "We were wrong, terribly wrong. (We) should not have tried to fight a guerrilla war with conventional military tactics against a foe willing to absorb enormous casualties...in a country lacking the fundamental political stability necessary to conduct effective military and pacification operations. It could not be done and it was not done." - Robert S. McNamara ----------------------------------------- "We will take our napalm and flame throwers out of the land that scarcely knows the use of matches... We will leave you your small joys and smaller troubles." - Eugene McCarthy in "Vietnam Message" ----------------------------------------- never wrestle with a pig. you both get dirty; the pig likes it.

07-04-2003, 03:25 AM	#125 (permalink)
uncle phil comfortably numb... Super Moderator Location: upstate	Following the success of their object oriented version of C, C++, AT&T are rumoured to be working on a similar version of Cobol. Although the working name of the project is Cobol++, the product brand name will of course respect the maturity of the marketplace. It will be called ADD_ONE_TO_COBOL. __________________ "We were wrong, terribly wrong. (We) should not have tried to fight a guerrilla war with conventional military tactics against a foe willing to absorb enormous casualties...in a country lacking the fundamental political stability necessary to conduct effective military and pacification operations. It could not be done and it was not done." - Robert S. McNamara ----------------------------------------- "We will take our napalm and flame throwers out of the land that scarcely knows the use of matches... We will leave you your small joys and smaller troubles." - Eugene McCarthy in "Vietnam Message" ----------------------------------------- never wrestle with a pig. you both get dirty; the pig likes it.

07-07-2003, 02:36 AM	#126 (permalink)
uncle phil comfortably numb... Super Moderator Location: upstate	This fellow who had worked in advertising/marketing died and, upon entering heaven, met St. Peter. St. Peter said, "In the interest of fairness, we want to give you the option to stay here in heaven, or to go to hell. You can look around here for a few minutes, then go visit hell for a while before you decide. The catch is that your decision is final--no changing your mind." So, the fellow started walking around heaven; what he saw, he thought to be a bit boring. People were playing horseshoes, bridge, drinking tea. It wasn't bad, but it did look kind of slow. He mentioned this to St. Peter, and asked for his visit to hell before his decision. Immediately, he found himself standing in front of two huge doors imprinted with "HELL." Expecting the handle to be hot, he reached gingerly for it. Surprisingly, the handle was cool to the touch. Proceeding through the doors, he found a flurry of activity. People were standing around eating, drinking, dancing--in general having a great time. The marketing fellow thought that this looked like much more fun than heaven, so he promptly returned to St. Peter and told him that he had chosen hell. Once again, he found himself in front of the huge doors. Reaching to open the door, he scorched his hand on the blisteringly hot handle. After entering, he was faced with a wall of flame, and he could hear horrendous screaming and moaning. He stood there, incredulous. The devil walked up and asked if there was some problem. "Yes," the fellow replied, "I was just down here ten minutes ago, and it wasn't hot, and people were partying and having a great time! What happened?" "Well," the devil replied, "that was a demo!!" __________________ "We were wrong, terribly wrong. (We) should not have tried to fight a guerrilla war with conventional military tactics against a foe willing to absorb enormous casualties...in a country lacking the fundamental political stability necessary to conduct effective military and pacification operations. It could not be done and it was not done." - Robert S. McNamara ----------------------------------------- "We will take our napalm and flame throwers out of the land that scarcely knows the use of matches... We will leave you your small joys and smaller troubles." - Eugene McCarthy in "Vietnam Message" ----------------------------------------- never wrestle with a pig. you both get dirty; the pig likes it.

07-08-2003, 02:10 AM	#127 (permalink)
uncle phil comfortably numb... Super Moderator Location: upstate	Prof: Some people have proposed using Krypton gas in scintillator detectors. Grad Student: Won't that scare away the superstrings? __________________ "We were wrong, terribly wrong. (We) should not have tried to fight a guerrilla war with conventional military tactics against a foe willing to absorb enormous casualties...in a country lacking the fundamental political stability necessary to conduct effective military and pacification operations. It could not be done and it was not done." - Robert S. McNamara ----------------------------------------- "We will take our napalm and flame throwers out of the land that scarcely knows the use of matches... We will leave you your small joys and smaller troubles." - Eugene McCarthy in "Vietnam Message" ----------------------------------------- never wrestle with a pig. you both get dirty; the pig likes it.

07-09-2003, 02:40 AM	#128 (permalink)
uncle phil comfortably numb... Super Moderator Location: upstate	Q: "How many computer scientists does it take to screw in a light bulb?" A: "Five. Two to write the specifications, one to prove their validity and two to implement it." Q: "Well, how many hackers does it take?" A: "One. But, hackers don't turn on the lights." __________________ "We were wrong, terribly wrong. (We) should not have tried to fight a guerrilla war with conventional military tactics against a foe willing to absorb enormous casualties...in a country lacking the fundamental political stability necessary to conduct effective military and pacification operations. It could not be done and it was not done." - Robert S. McNamara ----------------------------------------- "We will take our napalm and flame throwers out of the land that scarcely knows the use of matches... We will leave you your small joys and smaller troubles." - Eugene McCarthy in "Vietnam Message" ----------------------------------------- never wrestle with a pig. you both get dirty; the pig likes it.

07-02-2003, 12:47 PM	#121 (permalink)
jlickx Upright Location: yes	A doctor a clergyman and an engineer are out golfing and things are going very slowly with the group in front of them. No one wants to comment at first but by the 7th hole they are all livid and ask the ranger if he would allow them to play through. The ranger says, "Oh, I thought you knew that today is the blind golfers outing and we apologize for the delay but ask that you bear with us". Each one of the gentlemen is a little embarrassed that they had made some rude comments about the slow play. The Doctor mentions that it has been proven very therapeutic for handicapped people to have active life styles. The clergyman notes that Gods gifts extend beyond the loss of sight and should be glorified. The engineer looks at the ranger perplexed and asks, why cant they just play at night?

07-03-2003, 02:29 AM	#123 (permalink)
bravo49 Junkie Location: chocolate city	Half-way through I lost the will to live

07-03-2003, 09:57 PM	#124 (permalink)
CountChocula7 Upright	Uncle Phil you suck. Every joke is "mathematicians reduce it to something previously solved" Booooo.

07-09-2003, 09:09 AM	#129 (permalink)
TIO Addict Location: The Land Down Under	How to Hunt Elephants Mathematicians hunt elephants by going to Africa, throwing out everything that is not an elephant, and catching one of whatever is left. Professors of mathematics prove the existence of at least one elephant and leave the capture of an actual elephant as an exercise for one of their graduate students. Computer scientists hunt elephants using algorithm A: 1. Go to Africa 2. Start at the Cape of Good Hope 3. Work northward in an orderly manner, traversing the continent alternately East and West. 4. During each traverse a. Catch each animal seen b. Compare each animal caught to a known elephant c. Stop when a match is detected. Experienced computer programmers modify Algorithm A by placing a known elephant in Cairo to ensure that the algorithm will terminate. Engineers hunt elephants by going to Africa, catching gray animals at random, and stopping when any one of them weighs within plus or minus 15 percent of any previously observed elephant. Statisticians hunt the first animal they see N times and call it an elephant. __________________ Strewth

07-10-2003, 02:51 AM	#130 (permalink)
uncle phil comfortably numb... Super Moderator Location: upstate	In a rash of lawsuits inspired by suits by Xerox against Apple and Apple against Microsoft/HP, the whole computer industry was thrown into a tizzy when Digital Equipment, IBM, Unisys, and AT&T agreed to form the Open Lawsuit Foundation (OLF). "We are totally against proprietary lawsuits," said a DEC spokesman. "We want standards in lawsuits." An IBM spokesman concurred. "We have sued everyone from little companies like Big Blue Inc. to Hitachi but we have always had proprietary suits. Now to show our leadership in the standards industry, we intend to standardize on our suits." When asked to comment, a Sun Microsystems representative stated, "We don't wear suits at Sun." __________________ "We were wrong, terribly wrong. (We) should not have tried to fight a guerrilla war with conventional military tactics against a foe willing to absorb enormous casualties...in a country lacking the fundamental political stability necessary to conduct effective military and pacification operations. It could not be done and it was not done." - Robert S. McNamara ----------------------------------------- "We will take our napalm and flame throwers out of the land that scarcely knows the use of matches... We will leave you your small joys and smaller troubles." - Eugene McCarthy in "Vietnam Message" ----------------------------------------- never wrestle with a pig. you both get dirty; the pig likes it.

07-11-2003, 02:48 AM	#131 (permalink)
uncle phil comfortably numb... Super Moderator Location: upstate	MATHEMATICS PURITY TEST Count the number of yeses, subtract from 60, and divide by 0.6. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- The Basics 1) Have you ever been excited about math? 2) Had an exciting dream about math? 3) Made a mathematical calculation? 4) Manipulated the numerator of an equation? 5) Manipulated the denominator of an equation? 6) On your first problem set? 7) Worked on a problem set past 3:00 a.m.? 8) Worked on a problem set all night? 9) Had a hard problem? 10) Worked on a problem continuously for more than 30 minutes? 11) Worked on a problem continuously for more than four hours? 12) Done more than one problem set on the same night (i.e. both started and finished them)? 13) Done more than three problem sets on the same night? 14) Taken a math course for a full year? 15) Taken two different math courses at the same time? 16) Done at least one problem set a week for more than four months? 17) Done at least one problem set a night for more than one month (weekends excluded)? 18) Done a problem set alone? 19) Done a problem set in a group of three or more? 20) Done a problem set in a group of 15 or more? 21) Was it mixed company? 22) Have you ever inadvertently walked in upon people doing a problem set? 23) And joined in afterwards? 24) Have you ever used food doing a problem set? 25) Did you eat it all? 26) Have you ever had a domesticated pet or animal walk over you while you were doing a problem set? 27) Done a problem set in a public place where you might be discovered? 28) Been discovered while doing a problem set? Kinky Stuff 29) Have you ever applied your math to a hard science? 30) Applied your math to a soft science? 31) Done an integration by parts? 32) Done two integration by parts in a single problem? 33) Bounded the domain and range of your function? 34) Used the domination test for improper integrals? 35) Done Newton's Method? 36) Done the Method of Frobenius? 37) Used the Sandwich Theorem? 38) Used the Mean Value Theorem? 39) Used a Gaussian surface? 40) Used a foreign object on a math problem (eg: calculator)? 41) Used a program to improve your mathematical technique (eg: MACSYMA)? 42) Not used brackets when you should have? 43) Integrated a function over its full period? 44) Done a calculation in three-dimensional space? 45) Done a calculation in n-dimensional space? 46) Done a change of bases? 47) Done a change of bases specifically in order to magnify your vector? 48) Worked through four complete bases in a single night (eg: using the Gram-Schmidt method)? 49) Inserted a number into an equation? 50) Calculated the residue of a pole? 51) Scored perfectly on a math test? 52) Swallowed everything your professor gave you? 53) Used explicit notation in your problem set? 54) Purposefully omitted important steps in your problem set? 55) Padded your own problem set? 56) Been blown away on a test? 57) Blown away your professor on a test? 58) Have you ever multiplied 23 by 3? 59) Have you ever bounded your Bessel function so that the membrane did not shoot to infinity? 69) Have you ever understood the following quote: "The relationship between Z^0 to C_0, B_0, and H_0 is an example of a general principle which we have encountered: the kernel of the adjoint of a linear transformation is both the annihilator space of the image of the transformation and also the dual space of the quotient of the space of which the image is a subspace by the image subspace." __________________ "We were wrong, terribly wrong. (We) should not have tried to fight a guerrilla war with conventional military tactics against a foe willing to absorb enormous casualties...in a country lacking the fundamental political stability necessary to conduct effective military and pacification operations. It could not be done and it was not done." - Robert S. McNamara ----------------------------------------- "We will take our napalm and flame throwers out of the land that scarcely knows the use of matches... We will leave you your small joys and smaller troubles." - Eugene McCarthy in "Vietnam Message" ----------------------------------------- never wrestle with a pig. you both get dirty; the pig likes it.

07-11-2003, 07:59 AM	#132 (permalink)
TIO Addict Location: The Land Down Under	I'm 13.3333333...% maths-pure. And yes, I did understand the last quote. __________________ Strewth

07-13-2003, 11:00 PM	#133 (permalink)
Merlocke Location: Canada	I can't believe this one's not in it yet... (unless I missed it - god my eyes hurt from all this reading on my crappy monitor) Programmer Dies in the shower. Shampoo bottle found clutched in his hands with instructions. Lather, Rinse, Repeat... __________________ -=[ Merlocke ]=-

07-14-2003, 02:47 AM	#134 (permalink)
uncle phil comfortably numb... Super Moderator Location: upstate	Five English gentlemen and one American computer programmer are walking along the Thames, discussing terms of venery. (Terms of venery are names for groups of animals, such as "pod" of whales or "exaltation" of larks.) They see three English prostitutes, and wonder what the term of venery is for them. The first English gentleman says, "A fanfare of strumpets." The second says, "No, it's a trey of tarts." The third says, "No, a volume of Trollope's." [Trollope was an essayist.] The fourth says, "Nope, a pride of loins." The fifth says, "No, I say it's an anthology of English prose." And the programmer says, "It's a string of cache misses." __________________ "We were wrong, terribly wrong. (We) should not have tried to fight a guerrilla war with conventional military tactics against a foe willing to absorb enormous casualties...in a country lacking the fundamental political stability necessary to conduct effective military and pacification operations. It could not be done and it was not done." - Robert S. McNamara ----------------------------------------- "We will take our napalm and flame throwers out of the land that scarcely knows the use of matches... We will leave you your small joys and smaller troubles." - Eugene McCarthy in "Vietnam Message" ----------------------------------------- never wrestle with a pig. you both get dirty; the pig likes it.

07-15-2003, 02:42 AM	#135 (permalink)
uncle phil comfortably numb... Super Moderator Location: upstate	These days it's quite common for messages on social-oriented bulletin boards to end with signoffs like "Hi and hugs to everybody." In fact, this has become so popular that as much as 7.5% of the disk space on some BBS's is currently devoted to this particular comment. The International Committee for Relatively Pointless Abbreviations and Badly Misspelled Acronyms (SPUDS) has just released a new, internationally approved list of abbreviated signoffs. These include: ooo hugs xxx kisses OOO big hugs XXX big kisses oo hugs for everybody but you OO! big, excited hugs CCC hugs for people you can't quite reach around OOQ hugging with tongue xx@ kisses and earlobe nibbling zzz snoring yyy anything that occurs between kissing and snoring H handshake kkk alternate form of "handshakes for all" KKK white robes for all AAA talk-show not-really kissing [X] kissing in the closet XYZZY a kiss that moves you MMM same as WWW, but from inversion boots LLL armwrestles for all OOO~~~ big hugs and large caterpillars for all ))) smiles for all TTT trees for all jjj gooses for all JJJ big gooses for all OOOXXXYYYZZZ this is illegal before marriage in nine states OOOXXXyZZZZZ still illegal, but generally not nearly as well received Remember, there is much more work to be done to codify and abbreviate excessively clear and understandable sign-off messages and replace them with efficient and incomprehensible international symbols. Please contribute money, suggestions, and chocolate to this worthy cause, and help make conversation boards a better place for assembly-language programmers. __________________ "We were wrong, terribly wrong. (We) should not have tried to fight a guerrilla war with conventional military tactics against a foe willing to absorb enormous casualties...in a country lacking the fundamental political stability necessary to conduct effective military and pacification operations. It could not be done and it was not done." - Robert S. McNamara ----------------------------------------- "We will take our napalm and flame throwers out of the land that scarcely knows the use of matches... We will leave you your small joys and smaller troubles." - Eugene McCarthy in "Vietnam Message" ----------------------------------------- never wrestle with a pig. you both get dirty; the pig likes it.

07-15-2003, 05:55 PM	#136 (permalink)
Akira Crazy	Programmer Dies in the shower. Shampoo bottle found clutched in his hands with instructions. Lather, Rinse, Repeat... --- That's a good one. Although you think he would have run out of shampoo first? __________________ -signature

07-16-2003, 03:32 AM	#137 (permalink)
uncle phil comfortably numb... Super Moderator Location: upstate	The Software Development Process (Borrowed from an overhead slide used by a major workstation manufacturer) 1) Order the T-shirts for the Development team 2) Announce availability 3) Write the code 4) Write the manual 5) Hire a Product Manager 6) Spec the software (Writing the specs after the code helps to ensure that the software meets the specifications) 7) Ship 8) Test (the customers are a big help here) 9) Identify bugs as potential enhancements 10) Announce the upgrade program __________________ "We were wrong, terribly wrong. (We) should not have tried to fight a guerrilla war with conventional military tactics against a foe willing to absorb enormous casualties...in a country lacking the fundamental political stability necessary to conduct effective military and pacification operations. It could not be done and it was not done." - Robert S. McNamara ----------------------------------------- "We will take our napalm and flame throwers out of the land that scarcely knows the use of matches... We will leave you your small joys and smaller troubles." - Eugene McCarthy in "Vietnam Message" ----------------------------------------- never wrestle with a pig. you both get dirty; the pig likes it.

07-16-2003, 07:10 AM	#138 (permalink)
macmanmike6100 High Honorary Junkie Location: Tri-state.	lol this is a great oldie; thanks!

07-17-2003, 02:40 AM	#139 (permalink)
uncle phil comfortably numb... Super Moderator Location: upstate	"I heard that people are getting laid off at IBM. I bet they open their pay envelopes and find, "This paycheck intentionally left blank." __________________ "We were wrong, terribly wrong. (We) should not have tried to fight a guerrilla war with conventional military tactics against a foe willing to absorb enormous casualties...in a country lacking the fundamental political stability necessary to conduct effective military and pacification operations. It could not be done and it was not done." - Robert S. McNamara ----------------------------------------- "We will take our napalm and flame throwers out of the land that scarcely knows the use of matches... We will leave you your small joys and smaller troubles." - Eugene McCarthy in "Vietnam Message" ----------------------------------------- never wrestle with a pig. you both get dirty; the pig likes it.

07-17-2003, 09:34 AM	#140 (permalink)
player_slayer Upright	some are funny some arent

07-18-2003, 02:37 AM	#141 (permalink)
uncle phil comfortably numb... Super Moderator Location: upstate	Microsloshed Corporation of Smoke'em, Washington introduces the most fantabulous operating system overlay ever, a high-performance GUI (Generally Useless Interface) that will transform your measly old command-line driven PC into a state-of-the-art multitasking system! M I C R O S L O S H E D W A L L S o Microsloshed Walls frees you from the worries of incompatible hardware--in fact, if any part of your computer is in the tiniest respect different from an original IBM PC, Microsloshed Walls will pretend it doesn't exist and lock up when you try to install the drivers--automatically! o Complicated and cumbersome command-line functions have been replaced by simple, intuitive mouse-driven commands without confusing options or user-burdening functionality. o Microsloshed Walls version 3.0 is a major step forward--boldly abandoning the restraints of compatibility with either DOS or Walls 2.9 applications while not making you waste your time learning new features or capabilities. o Conventional DOS programs are limited to a mere 640K of memory; Microsloshed Walls will use up every last byte of memory on your computer and more! o Microsloshed Walls provides your programs with a uniform user interface so simple and easy to use that all your applications will look and act exactly the same. Whether you're using a telecommunications package or a compiler, you'll be completely unable to tell them apart! o Several of the functions of the Microsloshed applications you've grown to love under DOS will still work some of the time under Walls and a variety of Microsloshed products are very nearly supported by Microsloshed Walls including Expell, QuirkC, QuirkBASIC, QuirkPascal, and QuirkRATFOR. o The popular word processing program Microsloshed Wart has been fully updated and modified just for Walls, making it totally unlike Microsloshed Wart while still retaining the same name. o Microsloshed Walls includes its own special version of QEMMMM (Quirky Extraneous Massive Memory Multi-Mangler) converting your system's extraneous memory into impacted memory which can be more efficiently wasted by Walls. We guarantee that, when you install Microsloshed Walls on your computer, you'll kiss your old DOS prompt goodbye. In fact, after just one session with Microsloshed Walls, you may never use any of your old programs again. Microsloshed. Software that makes your computer obsolete. __________________ "We were wrong, terribly wrong. (We) should not have tried to fight a guerrilla war with conventional military tactics against a foe willing to absorb enormous casualties...in a country lacking the fundamental political stability necessary to conduct effective military and pacification operations. It could not be done and it was not done." - Robert S. McNamara ----------------------------------------- "We will take our napalm and flame throwers out of the land that scarcely knows the use of matches... We will leave you your small joys and smaller troubles." - Eugene McCarthy in "Vietnam Message" ----------------------------------------- never wrestle with a pig. you both get dirty; the pig likes it.

07-21-2003, 02:37 AM	#142 (permalink)
uncle phil comfortably numb... Super Moderator Location: upstate	From the Star Fleet Programmer's Style Guide: (1) If your robot is programmed to destroy all imperfection, make sure it excludes itself (the "Nomad" rule). (2) Never allow calculation of the exact value of pi. (3) Be sure your machines are programmed to ignore Three Stooges routines (This is known as Harry Mudd's Law). (4) Self-destruct routines are never carried through, so there is no need to program them as anything more than a cosmetic shell. But be sure the countdown always runs past 1, to the last millisecond before the ship blows up, for dramatic values. (5) Include standard protections against viruses, Trojans, worms, and the ghosts of 19th-Century serial killers. (6) Women programmers are not allowed, as they always program the computer to giggle and call the captain, "Honey." We have enough virility problems because they make us wear tights and those silly boots and velour shirts. We don't need this shit, too. __________________ "We were wrong, terribly wrong. (We) should not have tried to fight a guerrilla war with conventional military tactics against a foe willing to absorb enormous casualties...in a country lacking the fundamental political stability necessary to conduct effective military and pacification operations. It could not be done and it was not done." - Robert S. McNamara ----------------------------------------- "We will take our napalm and flame throwers out of the land that scarcely knows the use of matches... We will leave you your small joys and smaller troubles." - Eugene McCarthy in "Vietnam Message" ----------------------------------------- never wrestle with a pig. you both get dirty; the pig likes it.

07-22-2003, 03:26 AM	#143 (permalink)
uncle phil comfortably numb... Super Moderator Location: upstate	The Advanced User's Guide to the DEC Rainbow PC100 User's Guide CONTENTS Chapter 1. Introduction...2 How to Use this Book...2 How to Get Help...3 Book Organization...5 Conventions Used...43 Chapter 2. Getting Started...76 Chapter 2 Layout...76 How Chapter 2 Differs from Chapter 1...88 How to use the Rainbow On/Off Switch...94 Using the "Return" key...112 What To Do Next...120 Chapter 3. Using the User's Guide...143 How to Use Chapter 3...143 Detailed Description of Chapter 3...165 Why Chapter 3 Is So Important...185 How To Get Help Using Chapter 3...190 Summary of Chapter 3...192 What To Do Next...195 Chapter 4. Advanced User...202 Intended Reader...202 What To Do Next...202 Appendix A. Using a Book...203 Index...302 Copyright Notice: No part of this book may, for any reason or in any circumstances, be copied, transmitted, reproduced, reprinted, or recorded in any form or by any means or method, including, but not limited to, photocopying, recording on any information or retrieval system, copying by any means whether mechanical or electronic, or verbally communicating any part, portion, or subset of this book in any form. Digital Equipment Corporation makes no claims, either explicit or implied, as to the suitability, quality, completeness, correctness, usefulness, or taste of this or any other product. Chapter 1. Introduction In this chapter, you will read an introduction. It also provides some practical experience in using a book. If you are unfamiliar with the use of a book, refer to Appendix A, "Using a Book." How To Use This Book To use this book, you must begin by doing the following: 1. Buy the Advanced User's Guide to The Rainbow PC100 User's Guide, DEC part number G45-435600123-TRY09879-34563-2-12 2. Remove the Guide from its box. This is most easily done by a) opening the box, b) grasping the Guide with your right hand, and c) pulling the Guide from the box. 3. Turn to Chapter 1, page 2. Look for the place that says, "4. Begin reading...." 4. Begin reading. Complete details on how to read may be found in any Elementary School education. How To Get Help If at any time you need assistance with this Guide call the DEC help number. Complete details on how to use a telephone to call DEC may be found in the manual "How To Use a Telephone to Call DEC." __________________ "We were wrong, terribly wrong. (We) should not have tried to fight a guerrilla war with conventional military tactics against a foe willing to absorb enormous casualties...in a country lacking the fundamental political stability necessary to conduct effective military and pacification operations. It could not be done and it was not done." - Robert S. McNamara ----------------------------------------- "We will take our napalm and flame throwers out of the land that scarcely knows the use of matches... We will leave you your small joys and smaller troubles." - Eugene McCarthy in "Vietnam Message" ----------------------------------------- never wrestle with a pig. you both get dirty; the pig likes it.

07-23-2003, 02:54 AM	#144 (permalink)
uncle phil comfortably numb... Super Moderator Location: upstate	Logical Laws & Accurate Axioms You can always tell a really good idea by the enemies it makes. --Programmers' axiom Everything always takes twice as long and costs four times as much as you planned. --Programmers' axiom It's never the technical stuff that gets you in trouble, it's the personalities and the politics. --Programmers' saying Living with a programmer is easy. All you need is the patience of a saint. --Programmers' spouses' saying Applications programming is a race between software engineers, who strive to produce idiot-proof programs, and the Universe which strives to produce bigger idiots. --Software engineers' saying So far the Universe is winning. --Applications programmers' saying The three most dangerous things in the world are a programmer with a soldering iron, a hardware type with a program patch and a user with an idea. --Computer saying You can't do just one thing. --Campbell's Law of everything Friends come and go, but enemies accumulate. --Murphy's law #1024 ...and sometimes the real trick is telling the difference. --Murphy's law #1024a Whenever you use a jump, be sure of your destination address. --Programmers' saying If you eat a live toad first thing in the morning, nothing worse will happen all day long. --California saying To you or the toad? --Niven's restatement of California saying ...well, most of the time, anyway. --Programmers' caveat to Niven's restatement of California saying __________________ "We were wrong, terribly wrong. (We) should not have tried to fight a guerrilla war with conventional military tactics against a foe willing to absorb enormous casualties...in a country lacking the fundamental political stability necessary to conduct effective military and pacification operations. It could not be done and it was not done." - Robert S. McNamara ----------------------------------------- "We will take our napalm and flame throwers out of the land that scarcely knows the use of matches... We will leave you your small joys and smaller troubles." - Eugene McCarthy in "Vietnam Message" ----------------------------------------- never wrestle with a pig. you both get dirty; the pig likes it.

07-24-2003, 03:27 AM	#145 (permalink)
uncle phil comfortably numb... Super Moderator Location: upstate	Apple Corporation Sues Itself. [AP] In a move that has industrial analysts scratching their heads, Apple Computers has filed suit against Apple Computer, Inc. The company claims that Apple has violated the Look and Feel of their own machines which has helped to make the company famous. An Apple Spokesperson stated "This is no joke. If we don't protect our copyrighted interface, everyone will use it and we could lose the exclusive right. So it is in our best interests to sue anyone who uses the Macintosh Look and Feel, including ourselves." The spokesperson says Apple has retained the prestigious LA law firm of Kukla, Fran and Ollie to spearhead the lawsuit. Apple's in house lawyers will defend. Long time Apple observer Ernest Dinklefwat stated that this is a sure sign that Apple has too many lawyers and not enough engineers. "In the old days Apple depended on its talented engineers to keep ahead of the competition, but now they have lost the edge, as well as their grasp on reality." The industry will be sure to watch this case closely. If Apple wins the suit against itself, this could mean a massive recall of all Macintosh and Lisa computers which will need to be converted to avoid all graphics and desktop metaphors and instead provide a simple terminal-like interface. Such a move would cause a massive digression in the personal computer market. Users of computers would be forced to learn to read, which could cause dangerous literacy among college students and professionals. __________________ "We were wrong, terribly wrong. (We) should not have tried to fight a guerrilla war with conventional military tactics against a foe willing to absorb enormous casualties...in a country lacking the fundamental political stability necessary to conduct effective military and pacification operations. It could not be done and it was not done." - Robert S. McNamara ----------------------------------------- "We will take our napalm and flame throwers out of the land that scarcely knows the use of matches... We will leave you your small joys and smaller troubles." - Eugene McCarthy in "Vietnam Message" ----------------------------------------- never wrestle with a pig. you both get dirty; the pig likes it.

07-25-2003, 03:41 AM	#146 (permalink)
uncle phil comfortably numb... Super Moderator Location: upstate	The default uninitialized value for registers on the IBM RS/6000 under AIX is hex -21524111. Printed out as a 32-bit unsigned quantity, this is: DEADBEEF Never knew IBM programmers were allowed to have a sense of humor! __________________ "We were wrong, terribly wrong. (We) should not have tried to fight a guerrilla war with conventional military tactics against a foe willing to absorb enormous casualties...in a country lacking the fundamental political stability necessary to conduct effective military and pacification operations. It could not be done and it was not done." - Robert S. McNamara ----------------------------------------- "We will take our napalm and flame throwers out of the land that scarcely knows the use of matches... We will leave you your small joys and smaller troubles." - Eugene McCarthy in "Vietnam Message" ----------------------------------------- never wrestle with a pig. you both get dirty; the pig likes it.

07-28-2003, 03:21 AM	#147 (permalink)
uncle phil comfortably numb... Super Moderator Location: upstate	IBM and DEC decided to have a boat race, on the Thames, following the famous Oxford vs. Cambridge course. Both teams practiced hard, and came the big day, they were as ready as they could be. IBM won by a mile. Afterwards, the DEC team were very downhearted, and a decision was made that the reason for the crushing defeat had to be found, so a working party was set up to investigate and report. Well, they had everybody on the working party, Sales, Systems Engineering, Marketing, Customer Education, Field Service, the whole lot, and after 3 months they came up with the answer, and the working party co-ordinator gave his summary presentation. "The problem was," he said, "that IBM had 8 people rowing and 1 steering, whereas we had 1 person rowing and 8 steering." The working party was then asked to go away and come up with a plan to prevent a recurrence the following year, for DEC's pride had been damaged, and another defeat was not wanted. 2 months later, the working party had worked out a plan, and the coordinator gave his (customarily brief) summary-- "The guy rowing has got to work harder" __________________ "We were wrong, terribly wrong. (We) should not have tried to fight a guerrilla war with conventional military tactics against a foe willing to absorb enormous casualties...in a country lacking the fundamental political stability necessary to conduct effective military and pacification operations. It could not be done and it was not done." - Robert S. McNamara ----------------------------------------- "We will take our napalm and flame throwers out of the land that scarcely knows the use of matches... We will leave you your small joys and smaller troubles." - Eugene McCarthy in "Vietnam Message" ----------------------------------------- never wrestle with a pig. you both get dirty; the pig likes it.

07-29-2003, 03:30 AM	#148 (permalink)
uncle phil comfortably numb... Super Moderator Location: upstate	A computer engineer, a systems analyst, and a programmer were driving down a mountain when the brakes gave out. They screamed down the mountain, gaining speed, and finally managed to grind to a halt, more by luck than anything else, just inches from a thousand foot drop to jagged rocks. They all got out of the car. The computer engineer said, "I think I can fix it." The systems analyst said, "No, I think we should take it into town and have a specialist look at it." The programmer said, "OK, but first I think we should get back in and see if it does it again." __________________ "We were wrong, terribly wrong. (We) should not have tried to fight a guerrilla war with conventional military tactics against a foe willing to absorb enormous casualties...in a country lacking the fundamental political stability necessary to conduct effective military and pacification operations. It could not be done and it was not done." - Robert S. McNamara ----------------------------------------- "We will take our napalm and flame throwers out of the land that scarcely knows the use of matches... We will leave you your small joys and smaller troubles." - Eugene McCarthy in "Vietnam Message" ----------------------------------------- never wrestle with a pig. you both get dirty; the pig likes it.

07-30-2003, 03:45 AM	#149 (permalink)
uncle phil comfortably numb... Super Moderator Location: upstate	Man talking to prostitute: "How much to get screwed?" "$100" replied the hooker. "$100? Are you kidding? Who do you think you are, a computer consultant?" __________________ "We were wrong, terribly wrong. (We) should not have tried to fight a guerrilla war with conventional military tactics against a foe willing to absorb enormous casualties...in a country lacking the fundamental political stability necessary to conduct effective military and pacification operations. It could not be done and it was not done." - Robert S. McNamara ----------------------------------------- "We will take our napalm and flame throwers out of the land that scarcely knows the use of matches... We will leave you your small joys and smaller troubles." - Eugene McCarthy in "Vietnam Message" ----------------------------------------- never wrestle with a pig. you both get dirty; the pig likes it.

07-31-2003, 03:22 AM	#150 (permalink)
uncle phil comfortably numb... Super Moderator Location: upstate	A new benchmark has been released which accurately measures the speed of any computer. The computer is pushed off the top of a building, and speed calculated by multiplying by 32.2 fps squared. The MIPS (Meaningless Index of Plummeting Speed) rating is the raw value times the number of CPUs. This is called the FallingStone benchmark. __________________ "We were wrong, terribly wrong. (We) should not have tried to fight a guerrilla war with conventional military tactics against a foe willing to absorb enormous casualties...in a country lacking the fundamental political stability necessary to conduct effective military and pacification operations. It could not be done and it was not done." - Robert S. McNamara ----------------------------------------- "We will take our napalm and flame throwers out of the land that scarcely knows the use of matches... We will leave you your small joys and smaller troubles." - Eugene McCarthy in "Vietnam Message" ----------------------------------------- never wrestle with a pig. you both get dirty; the pig likes it.

08-01-2003, 03:23 AM	#151 (permalink)
uncle phil comfortably numb... Super Moderator Location: upstate	A is for APPLE who sent us our Macs, D is for DEC, and they sold us a Vax. C is the language in which we write source, and B is our sort, which is BROKEN, of course. E is an ERROR when code is compiled, F is a FORK for creating a child, G is the GETTY that sits on the line, and H is a HANGUP whic:^?{^Zo^?{bD^]NO CARRIER I is the INTERCONNECTION of kit, J is the JOY when the cables all fit. K is for KERMIT, to copy a file, and L are the LINES that we drop all the while. M is the MODEM we use from our home, N are the NIGHTS which we spend on the 'phone, O is the OUTPUT we get from the host, and P are the 'PHONE BILLS we get in the post. Q for SIGQUIT makes our process abort, R is the REASON sigquit should be caught. S is the SIGNAL we catch and ignore, and T is the TRAP which we miss, and dump core. U is for UNIX--I hope that is clear, V is the VISUAL editor here. W stands for the WINDOWS we use, and X for the windowing system we choose. Y is for YACC, quite a specialist tool, Z for the snores from the programming pool. __________________ "We were wrong, terribly wrong. (We) should not have tried to fight a guerrilla war with conventional military tactics against a foe willing to absorb enormous casualties...in a country lacking the fundamental political stability necessary to conduct effective military and pacification operations. It could not be done and it was not done." - Robert S. McNamara ----------------------------------------- "We will take our napalm and flame throwers out of the land that scarcely knows the use of matches... We will leave you your small joys and smaller troubles." - Eugene McCarthy in "Vietnam Message" ----------------------------------------- never wrestle with a pig. you both get dirty; the pig likes it.

08-04-2003, 01:49 PM	#152 (permalink)
uncle phil comfortably numb... Super Moderator Location: upstate	This was found on a sig file on another group: "Programming is like sex: One mistake and you have to support for a lifetime." __________________ "We were wrong, terribly wrong. (We) should not have tried to fight a guerrilla war with conventional military tactics against a foe willing to absorb enormous casualties...in a country lacking the fundamental political stability necessary to conduct effective military and pacification operations. It could not be done and it was not done." - Robert S. McNamara ----------------------------------------- "We will take our napalm and flame throwers out of the land that scarcely knows the use of matches... We will leave you your small joys and smaller troubles." - Eugene McCarthy in "Vietnam Message" ----------------------------------------- never wrestle with a pig. you both get dirty; the pig likes it.

08-04-2003, 03:55 PM	#153 (permalink)
niobius2 Upright	ahhahhahah

08-04-2003, 04:55 PM	#154 (permalink)
Akira Crazy	This is becoming one of my favorite threads although thats kind of sad that I get all these jokes. Anyways here's one of my favorite jokes: The Evolution of a Programmer High School/Jr.High 10 PRINT "HELLO WORLD" 20 END First year in College program Hello(input, output) begin writeln('Hello World') end. Senior year in College (defun hello (print (cons 'Hello (list 'World)))) New professional #include <stdio.h> void main(void) { char message[] = {"Hello ", "World"}; int i; for(i = 0; i < 2; ++i) printf("%s", message[i]); printf("\n"); } Seasoned professional #include <iostream.h> #include <string.h> class string { private: int size; char ptr; public: string() : size(0), ptr(new char('\0')) {} string(const string &s) : size(s.size) { ptr = new char[size + 1]; strcpy(ptr, s.ptr); } ~string() { delete [] ptr; } friend ostream &operator <<(ostream &, const string &); string &operator=(const char ); }; ostream &operator<<(ostream &stream, const string &s) { return(stream << s.ptr); } string &string:perator=(const char chrs) { if (this != &chrs) { delete [] ptr; size = strlen(chrs); ptr = new char[size + 1]; strcpy(ptr, chrs); } return(this); } int main() { string str; str = "Hello World"; cout << str << endl; return(0); } Master Programmer [ uuid(2573F8F4-CFEE-101A-9A9F-00AA00342820) ] library LHello { // bring in the master library importlib("actimp.tlb"); importlib("actexp.tlb"); // bring in my interfaces #include "pshlo.idl" [ uuid(2573F8F5-CFEE-101A-9A9F-00AA00342820) ] cotype THello { interface IHello; interface IPersistFile; }; }; [ exe, uuid(2573F890-CFEE-101A-9A9F-00AA00342820) ] module CHelloLib { // some code related header files importheader(<windows.h>); importheader(<ole2.h>); importheader(<except.hxx>); importheader("pshlo.h"); importheader("shlo.hxx"); importheader("mycls.hxx"); // needed typelibs importlib("actimp.tlb"); importlib("actexp.tlb"); importlib("thlo.tlb"); [ uuid(2573F891-CFEE-101A-9A9F-00AA00342820), aggregatable ] coclass CHello { cotype THello; }; }; #include "ipfix.hxx" extern HANDLE hEvent; class CHello : public CHelloBase { public: IPFIX(CLSID_CHello); CHello(IUnknown pUnk); ~CHello(); HRESULT __stdcall PrintSz(LPWSTR pwszString); private: static int cObjRef; }; #include <windows.h> #include <ole2.h> #include <stdio.h> #include <stdlib.h> #include "thlo.h" #include "pshlo.h" #include "shlo.hxx" #include "mycls.hxx" int CHello::cObjRef = 0; CHello::CHello(IUnknown pUnk) : CHelloBase(pUnk) { cObjRef++; return; } HRESULT __stdcall CHello::PrintSz(LPWSTR pwszString) { printf("%ws\n", pwszString); return(ResultFromScode(S_OK)); } CHello::~CHello(void) { // when the object count goes to zero, stop the server cObjRef--; if( cObjRef == 0 ) PulseEvent(hEvent); return; } #include <windows.h> #include <ole2.h> #include "pshlo.h" #include "shlo.hxx" #include "mycls.hxx" HANDLE hEvent; int _cdecl main( int argc, char argv[] ) { ULONG ulRef; DWORD dwRegistration; CHelloCF pCF = new CHelloCF(); hEvent = CreateEvent(NULL, FALSE, FALSE, NULL); // Initialize the OLE libraries CoInitializeEx(NULL, COINIT_MULTITHREADED); CoRegisterClassObject(CLSID_CHello, pCF, CLSCTX_LOCAL_SERVER, REGCLS_MULTIPLEUSE, &dwRegistration); // wait on an event to stop WaitForSingleObject(hEvent, INFINITE); // revoke and release the class object CoRevokeClassObject(dwRegistration); ulRef = pCF->Release(); // Tell OLE we are going away. CoUninitialize(); return(0); } extern CLSID CLSID_CHello; extern UUID LIBID_CHelloLib; CLSID CLSID_CHello = { / 2573F891-CFEE-101A-9A9F-00AA00342820 / 0x2573F891, 0xCFEE, 0x101A, { 0x9A, 0x9F, 0x00, 0xAA, 0x00, 0x34, 0x28, 0x20 } }; UUID LIBID_CHelloLib = { / 2573F890-CFEE-101A-9A9F-00AA00342820 / 0x2573F890, 0xCFEE, 0x101A, { 0x9A, 0x9F, 0x00, 0xAA, 0x00, 0x34, 0x28, 0x20 } }; #include <windows.h> #include <ole2.h> #include <stdlib.h> #include <string.h> #include <stdio.h> #include "pshlo.h" #include "shlo.hxx" #include "clsid.h" int _cdecl main( int argc, char argv[] ) { HRESULT hRslt; IHello pHello; ULONG ulCnt; IMoniker pmk; WCHAR wcsT[_MAX_PATH]; WCHAR wcsPath[2 * _MAX_PATH]; // get object path wcsPath[0] = '\0'; wcsT[0] = '\0'; if( argc > 1) { mbstowcs(wcsPath, argv[1], strlen(argv[1]) + 1); wcsupr(wcsPath); } else { fprintf(stderr, "Object path must be specified\n"); return(1); } // get print string if(argc > 2) mbstowcs(wcsT, argv[2], strlen(argv[2]) + 1); else wcscpy(wcsT, L"Hello World"); printf("Linking to object %ws\n", wcsPath); printf("Text String %ws\n", wcsT); // Initialize the OLE libraries hRslt = CoInitializeEx(NULL, COINIT_MULTITHREADED); if(SUCCEEDED(hRslt)) { hRslt = CreateFileMoniker(wcsPath, &pmk); if(SUCCEEDED(hRslt)) hRslt = BindMoniker(pmk, 0, IID_IHello, (void **)&pHello); if(SUCCEEDED(hRslt)) { // print a string out pHello->PrintSz(wcsT); Sleep(2000); ulCnt = pHello->Release(); } else printf("Failure to connect, status: %lx", hRslt); // Tell OLE we are going away. CoUninitialize(); } return(0); } Apprentice Hacker #!/usr/local/bin/perl $msg="Hello, world.\n"; if ($#ARGV >= 0) { while(defined($arg=shift(@ARGV))) { $outfilename = $arg; open(FILE, ">" . $outfilename) \|\| die "Can't write $arg: $!\n"; print (FILE $msg); close(FILE) \|\| die "Can't close $arg: $!\n"; } } else { print ($msg); } 1; Experienced Hacker #include <stdio.h> #define S "Hello, World\n" main(){exit(printf(S) == strlen(S) ? 0 : 1);} Seasoned Hacker % cc -o a.out ~/src/misc/hw/hw.c % a.out Guru Hacker % echo "Hello, world." New Manager 10 PRINT "HELLO WORLD" 20 END Middle Manager mail -s "Hello, world." bob@b12 Bob, could you please write me a program that prints "Hello, world."? I need it by tomorrow. ^D Senior Manager % zmail jim I need a "Hello, world." program by this afternoon. Chief Executive % letter letter: Command not found. % mail To: ^X ^F ^C % help mail help: Command not found. % damn! !: Event unrecognized % logout __________________ -signature

08-05-2003, 03:37 AM	#155 (permalink)
uncle phil comfortably numb... Super Moderator Location: upstate	Elegant, adj, of code: when the description of the algorithm a code implements is longer than the code itself. Hack, adj, of code: when the description of the function of a line of code is longer than the line itself. __________________ "We were wrong, terribly wrong. (We) should not have tried to fight a guerrilla war with conventional military tactics against a foe willing to absorb enormous casualties...in a country lacking the fundamental political stability necessary to conduct effective military and pacification operations. It could not be done and it was not done." - Robert S. McNamara ----------------------------------------- "We will take our napalm and flame throwers out of the land that scarcely knows the use of matches... We will leave you your small joys and smaller troubles." - Eugene McCarthy in "Vietnam Message" ----------------------------------------- never wrestle with a pig. you both get dirty; the pig likes it.