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Old 04-27-2003, 01:55 PM   #1 (permalink)
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Location: upstate
Geek Jokes...please contribute

I suppose someone had to start a thread like this...


A mathematician and a physicist agree to a psychological experiment.
The mathematician is put in a chair in a large empty room and a
beautiful naked woman is placed on a bed at the other end of the room.
The psychologist explains, "You are to remain in your chair. Every
five minutes, I will move your chair to a position halfway between its
current location and the woman on the bed." The mathematician looks
at the psychologist in disgust. "What? I'm not going to go through
this. You know I'll never reach the bed!" And he gets up and storms
out. The psychologist makes a note on his clipboard and ushers the
physicist in. He explains the situation, and the physicist's eyes
light up and he starts drooling. The psychologist is a bit confused.
"Don't you realize that you'll never reach her?" The physicist smiles
and replied, "Of course! But I'll get close enough for all practical
purposes!"
__________________
"We were wrong, terribly wrong. (We) should not have tried to fight a guerrilla war with conventional military tactics against a foe willing to absorb enormous casualties...in a country lacking the fundamental political stability necessary to conduct effective military and pacification operations. It could not be done and it was not done."
- Robert S. McNamara
-----------------------------------------
"We will take our napalm and flame throwers out of the land that scarcely knows the use of matches...
We will leave you your small joys and smaller troubles."
- Eugene McCarthy in "Vietnam Message"
-----------------------------------------
never wrestle with a pig.
you both get dirty;
the pig likes it.

Last edited by uncle phil; 04-27-2003 at 05:16 PM..
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Old 04-27-2003, 02:34 PM   #2 (permalink)
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ouch.
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Old 04-27-2003, 02:41 PM   #3 (permalink)
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And who better to start it than you! Thanks!
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Old 04-27-2003, 02:48 PM   #4 (permalink)
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Location: upstate
well, guys, keep it alive...
__________________
"We were wrong, terribly wrong. (We) should not have tried to fight a guerrilla war with conventional military tactics against a foe willing to absorb enormous casualties...in a country lacking the fundamental political stability necessary to conduct effective military and pacification operations. It could not be done and it was not done."
- Robert S. McNamara
-----------------------------------------
"We will take our napalm and flame throwers out of the land that scarcely knows the use of matches...
We will leave you your small joys and smaller troubles."
- Eugene McCarthy in "Vietnam Message"
-----------------------------------------
never wrestle with a pig.
you both get dirty;
the pig likes it.
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Old 04-28-2003, 02:39 AM   #5 (permalink)
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Heh. Niiiice. Not like a math geek would know what to do once he got there anyway.
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Old 04-28-2003, 02:47 AM   #6 (permalink)
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Location: san francisco bay area
ha
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Old 04-28-2003, 02:47 AM   #7 (permalink)
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Location: upstate
Dean, to the physics department. "Why do I always have to give you
guys so much money, for laboratories and expensive equipment and
stuff. Why couldn't you be like the math department - all they need
is money for pencils, paper and waste-paper baskets. Or even better,
like the philosophy department. All they need are pencils and paper."
__________________
"We were wrong, terribly wrong. (We) should not have tried to fight a guerrilla war with conventional military tactics against a foe willing to absorb enormous casualties...in a country lacking the fundamental political stability necessary to conduct effective military and pacification operations. It could not be done and it was not done."
- Robert S. McNamara
-----------------------------------------
"We will take our napalm and flame throwers out of the land that scarcely knows the use of matches...
We will leave you your small joys and smaller troubles."
- Eugene McCarthy in "Vietnam Message"
-----------------------------------------
never wrestle with a pig.
you both get dirty;
the pig likes it.
uncle phil is offline  
Old 04-28-2003, 04:25 AM   #8 (permalink)
Psycho
 
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Location: State of confusion...wait that's medication.
Nice one.
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Old 04-28-2003, 04:54 AM   #9 (permalink)
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Location: Yonder
A mathematician visited a native american reservation.

He spoke with an old native american woman who was sitting on a buffalo pelt. She said, "My son runs so fast, he can reach that mountain all the way over there by sundown."

Then he spoke with a woman sitting on a coyote pelt. She said, "My son is so strong, he can wrestle a buffalo to the ground."

Then he spoke with a woman sitting on a hippopotamus skin. She said, "I have no sons. But <i>I</i> can run to the mountain before sundown, and <i>I</i> can wrestle a buffalo to the ground."

Then the mathematician realized that the squah of the hippopotamus is equal to the sons of the squahs of the other two hides.
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Old 04-28-2003, 05:18 AM   #10 (permalink)
Junkie
 
Location: Montreal
I've just emit a sort of half-groan, half-laugh sound. Uh, a graph, if you will...
Not sure if that was a really, really bad attempt at humour, but I meant it. Gosh I'm tired.
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Old 04-28-2003, 05:22 AM   #11 (permalink)
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Did you hear the one about the statistician?

Probably....
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Old 04-28-2003, 05:23 AM   #12 (permalink)
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Location: upstate
that was great, rat...
__________________
"We were wrong, terribly wrong. (We) should not have tried to fight a guerrilla war with conventional military tactics against a foe willing to absorb enormous casualties...in a country lacking the fundamental political stability necessary to conduct effective military and pacification operations. It could not be done and it was not done."
- Robert S. McNamara
-----------------------------------------
"We will take our napalm and flame throwers out of the land that scarcely knows the use of matches...
We will leave you your small joys and smaller troubles."
- Eugene McCarthy in "Vietnam Message"
-----------------------------------------
never wrestle with a pig.
you both get dirty;
the pig likes it.
uncle phil is offline  
Old 04-28-2003, 05:29 AM   #13 (permalink)
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What's the difference between a Quantum Theorist and a Beauty Consultant?

The Theorist uses Plank's constant as a foundation, where the Beauty Consultant uses Max Factor as a foundation.
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Old 04-28-2003, 05:30 AM   #14 (permalink)
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OK, here we go...

Why won't Heisenbergs' operators live in the suburbs?

They don't commute.

*wince*
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Old 04-28-2003, 05:35 AM   #15 (permalink)
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Location: upstate
go wild, pete...
__________________
"We were wrong, terribly wrong. (We) should not have tried to fight a guerrilla war with conventional military tactics against a foe willing to absorb enormous casualties...in a country lacking the fundamental political stability necessary to conduct effective military and pacification operations. It could not be done and it was not done."
- Robert S. McNamara
-----------------------------------------
"We will take our napalm and flame throwers out of the land that scarcely knows the use of matches...
We will leave you your small joys and smaller troubles."
- Eugene McCarthy in "Vietnam Message"
-----------------------------------------
never wrestle with a pig.
you both get dirty;
the pig likes it.
uncle phil is offline  
Old 04-28-2003, 07:02 AM   #16 (permalink)
Right Now
 
Location: Home
A neutron walks into a bar and orders a beer.
"How much will that be?" he asks.
"For you?" replies the bartender, "no charge".
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Old 04-28-2003, 08:07 AM   #17 (permalink)
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Location: backwater, Third World, land of cotton
Here are some more.....

A banker is a fellow who lends you his umbrella when the sun is shining and wants it back the minute it begins to rain. (Mark Twain) An economist is an expert who will know tomorrow why the things he predicted yesterday didn't happen today. A statistician is someone who is good with numbers but lacks the personality to be an accountant. An actuary is someone who brings a fake bomb on a plane, because that decreases the chances that there will be another bomb on the plane. (Laurence J. Peter) A programmer is someone who solves a problem you didn't know you had in a way you don't understand. A mathematician is a blind man in a dark room looking for a black cat which isn't there. (Charles R. Darwin) A topologist is a man who doesn't know the difference between a coffee cup and a doughnut. A lawyer is a person who writes a 10,000 word document and calls it a "brief." A psychologist is a man who watches everyone else when a beautiful girl enters the room. A professor is one who talks in someone else's sleep. A schoolteacher is a disillusioned woman who used to think she liked children. A consultant is someone who takes the watch off your wrist and tells you the time. A diplomat is someone who can tell you to go to hell in such a way that you will look forward to the trip.
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Old 04-29-2003, 03:51 AM   #18 (permalink)
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Location: upstate
An engineer, physicist, and mathematician are all challenged with a
problem: to fry an egg when there is a fire in the house. The
engineer just grabs a huge bucket of water, runs over to the fire, and
puts it out. The physicist thinks for a long while, and then measures
a precise amount of water into a container. He takes it over to the
fire, pours it on, and with the last drop the fire goes out. The
mathematician pores over pencil and paper. After a few minutes he
goes "Aha! A solution exists!" and goes back to frying the egg.

Sequel: This time they are asked simply to fry an egg (no fire). The
engineer just does it, kludging along; the physicist calculates
carefully and produces a carefully cooked egg; and the mathematician
lights a fire in the corner, and says "I have reduced it to the
previous problem."
__________________
"We were wrong, terribly wrong. (We) should not have tried to fight a guerrilla war with conventional military tactics against a foe willing to absorb enormous casualties...in a country lacking the fundamental political stability necessary to conduct effective military and pacification operations. It could not be done and it was not done."
- Robert S. McNamara
-----------------------------------------
"We will take our napalm and flame throwers out of the land that scarcely knows the use of matches...
We will leave you your small joys and smaller troubles."
- Eugene McCarthy in "Vietnam Message"
-----------------------------------------
never wrestle with a pig.
you both get dirty;
the pig likes it.

Last edited by uncle phil; 02-05-2008 at 02:33 PM..
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Old 04-30-2003, 02:28 AM   #19 (permalink)
comfortably numb...
 
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Super Moderator
Location: upstate
A physicist and a mathematician setting in a faculty lounge.
Suddenly, the coffee machine catches on fire. The physicist grabs a
bucket and leaps towards the sink, fills the bucket with water and
puts out the fire. The second day, the same two sit in the same
lounge. Again, the coffee machine catches on fire. This time, the
mathematician stands up, gets a bucket, hands the bucket to the
physicist, thus reducing the problem to a previously solved one.
__________________
"We were wrong, terribly wrong. (We) should not have tried to fight a guerrilla war with conventional military tactics against a foe willing to absorb enormous casualties...in a country lacking the fundamental political stability necessary to conduct effective military and pacification operations. It could not be done and it was not done."
- Robert S. McNamara
-----------------------------------------
"We will take our napalm and flame throwers out of the land that scarcely knows the use of matches...
We will leave you your small joys and smaller troubles."
- Eugene McCarthy in "Vietnam Message"
-----------------------------------------
never wrestle with a pig.
you both get dirty;
the pig likes it.
uncle phil is offline  
Old 04-30-2003, 03:12 AM   #20 (permalink)
Insane
 
Location: Australia
oh no, these jokes. They hurt so good
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Old 05-01-2003, 04:47 AM   #21 (permalink)
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Super Moderator
Location: upstate
An engineer, a mathematician, and a physicist are staying in three
adjoining cabins at a decrepit old motel.

First the engineer's coffee maker catches fire on the bathroom vanity.
He smells the smoke, wakes up, unplugs it, throws it out the window,
and goes back to sleep.

Later that night the physicist smells smoke too. He wakes up and sees
that a cigarette butt has set the trash can on fire. He says to
himself, "Hmm. How does one put out a fire? One can reduce the
temperature of the fuel below the flash point, isolate the burning
material from oxygen, or both. This could be accomplished by applying
water." So he picks up the trash can, puts it in the shower stall,
turns on the water, and, when the fire is out, goes back to sleep.

The mathematician, of course, has been watching all this out the
window. So later, when he finds that his pipe ashes have set the
bedsheet on fire, he is not in the least taken aback. He immediately
sees that the problem reduces to one that has already been solved and
goes back to sleep.
__________________
"We were wrong, terribly wrong. (We) should not have tried to fight a guerrilla war with conventional military tactics against a foe willing to absorb enormous casualties...in a country lacking the fundamental political stability necessary to conduct effective military and pacification operations. It could not be done and it was not done."
- Robert S. McNamara
-----------------------------------------
"We will take our napalm and flame throwers out of the land that scarcely knows the use of matches...
We will leave you your small joys and smaller troubles."
- Eugene McCarthy in "Vietnam Message"
-----------------------------------------
never wrestle with a pig.
you both get dirty;
the pig likes it.
uncle phil is offline  
Old 05-02-2003, 03:14 AM   #22 (permalink)
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Super Moderator
Location: upstate
A mathematician and a physicist were asked the following question:

Suppose you walked by a burning house and saw a hydrant and
a hose not connected to the hydrant. What would you do?

P: I would attach the hose to the hydrant, turn on the water, and put out
the fire.

M: I would attach the hose to the hydrant, turn on the water, and put out
the fire.

Then they were asked this question:

Suppose you walked by a house and saw a hose connected to
a hydrant. What would you do?

P: I would keep walking, as there is no problem to solve.

M: I would disconnect the hose from the hydrant and set the house on fire,
reducing the problem to a previously solved form.
__________________
"We were wrong, terribly wrong. (We) should not have tried to fight a guerrilla war with conventional military tactics against a foe willing to absorb enormous casualties...in a country lacking the fundamental political stability necessary to conduct effective military and pacification operations. It could not be done and it was not done."
- Robert S. McNamara
-----------------------------------------
"We will take our napalm and flame throwers out of the land that scarcely knows the use of matches...
We will leave you your small joys and smaller troubles."
- Eugene McCarthy in "Vietnam Message"
-----------------------------------------
never wrestle with a pig.
you both get dirty;
the pig likes it.
uncle phil is offline  
Old 05-02-2003, 06:11 AM   #23 (permalink)
GM2
Insane
 
A hydrogen atom and an oxygen atom are talking in a bar. Suddenly the hydrogen atom looks shocked and says, "I think I've lost an electron!"

The oxygen atom says, "Are you sure?"

The hydrogen atom replies, "Yes, I'm positive!"
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Old 05-02-2003, 10:00 PM   #24 (permalink)
Insane
 
I'm only half smart enough to get these, but what I understand is funny in a groan inducing sort of way.
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Old 05-02-2003, 10:37 PM   #25 (permalink)
Junkie
 
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Location: midwest
good one
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Old 05-02-2003, 11:48 PM   #26 (permalink)
Tilted
 
Location: Tempe, AZ
e^x and x^2 go to a party. x^2 is having a great time at the party, mingling with everyone and laughing it up. He sees e^x sitting off in a corner by himself, not socializing at all. He comes up to e^x and says, "Why don't you integrate?" e^x says, "Dude, it doesn't matter..."
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Old 05-03-2003, 03:46 AM   #27 (permalink)
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Super Moderator
Location: upstate
There were two men trying to decide what to do for a living. They
went to see a counselor, and he decided that they had good problem
solving skills.

He tried a test to narrow the area of specialty. He put each man in a
room with a stove, a table, and a pot of water on the table. He said
"Boil the water". Both men moved the pot from the table to the stove
and turned on the burner to boil the water. Next, he put them into a
room with a stove, a table, and a pot of water on the floor. Again,
he said "Boil the water". The first man put the pot on the stove and
turned on the burner. The counselor told him to be an Engineer,
because he could solve each problem individually. The second man
moved the pot from the floor to the table, and then moved the pot from
the table to the stove and turned on the burner. The counselor told
him to be a mathematician because he reduced the problem to a
previously solved problem.
__________________
"We were wrong, terribly wrong. (We) should not have tried to fight a guerrilla war with conventional military tactics against a foe willing to absorb enormous casualties...in a country lacking the fundamental political stability necessary to conduct effective military and pacification operations. It could not be done and it was not done."
- Robert S. McNamara
-----------------------------------------
"We will take our napalm and flame throwers out of the land that scarcely knows the use of matches...
We will leave you your small joys and smaller troubles."
- Eugene McCarthy in "Vietnam Message"
-----------------------------------------
never wrestle with a pig.
you both get dirty;
the pig likes it.
uncle phil is offline  
Old 05-03-2003, 03:54 AM   #28 (permalink)
I change
 
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Location: USA
Great thread, unclephil!
Thanks for the contribs all of you!
I'll be stopping in to check out this thread a lot, I hope!

heh, Peetster, "no charge"...
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Old 05-03-2003, 06:10 AM   #29 (permalink)
Go faster!
 
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Location: Wisconsin
These are some excellent jokes!
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Old 05-03-2003, 04:46 PM   #30 (permalink)
Psycho
 
Location: British Columbia
did you know 80% of all statistics are made up on the spot?
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Old 05-03-2003, 11:04 PM   #31 (permalink)
Jesus Freak
 
Location: Following the light...
Quote:
Originally posted by Eviltree
did you know 80% of all statistics are made up on the spot?
I thought it was 67%....


I understand all these jokes! I'm a NERD! NNNNOOOOO!!! I hear alarms! They scream... NERD ALERT! NERD ALERT! NERD ALERT!.... there seems to be panic and confusion everywhere! And somehow I feel perfectly comfortable....
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Old 05-03-2003, 11:09 PM   #32 (permalink)
Inspired by the mind's eye.
 
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Location: Between the darkness and the light.
Quote:
Originally posted by NiceGuy
I thought it was 67%....
I thought it was 69%
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Old 05-04-2003, 04:01 AM   #33 (permalink)
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Super Moderator
Location: upstate
To tell a difference between a mathematician and an engineer, perform
this experiment. Put an empty kettle in the middle of the kitchen
floor and tell your subjects to boil some water.

The engineer will fill the kettle with water, put it on the stove, and
turn the flame on. The mathematician will do the same thing.

Next, put the kettle already filled with water on the stove, and ask
the subjects to boil the water. The engineer will turn the flame on.
The mathematician will empty the kettle and put it in the middle of
the kitchen floor... thereby reducing the problem to one that has
already been solved!
__________________
"We were wrong, terribly wrong. (We) should not have tried to fight a guerrilla war with conventional military tactics against a foe willing to absorb enormous casualties...in a country lacking the fundamental political stability necessary to conduct effective military and pacification operations. It could not be done and it was not done."
- Robert S. McNamara
-----------------------------------------
"We will take our napalm and flame throwers out of the land that scarcely knows the use of matches...
We will leave you your small joys and smaller troubles."
- Eugene McCarthy in "Vietnam Message"
-----------------------------------------
never wrestle with a pig.
you both get dirty;
the pig likes it.
uncle phil is offline  
Old 05-04-2003, 08:30 AM   #34 (permalink)
Loser
 
Location: Toronto
phil you've told the same damn joke in 46 variations
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Old 05-05-2003, 06:41 AM   #35 (permalink)
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uncle phil's Avatar
 
Super Moderator
Location: upstate
So a mathematician, an engineer, and a physicist are out hunting
together. They spy a deer(*) in the woods.

The physicist calculates the velocity of the deer and the effect of
gravity on the bullet, aims his rifle and fires. Alas, he misses; the
bullet passes three feet behind the deer. The deer bolts some yards,
but comes to a halt, still within sight of the trio.

"Shame you missed," comments the engineer, "but of course with an
ordinary gun, one would expect that." He then levels his special
deer-hunting gun, which he rigged together from an ordinary rifle, a
sextant, a compass, a barometer, and a bunch of flashing lights which
don't do anything but impress onlookers, and fires. Alas, his bullet
passes three feet in front of the deer, who by this time wises up and
vanishes for good.

"Well," says the physicist, "your contraption didn't get it either."

"What do you mean?" pipes up the mathematician. "Between the two of
you, that was a perfect shot!"


(*) How they knew it was a deer:

The physicist observed that it behaved in a deer-like manner, so it
must be a deer.

The mathematician asked the physicist what it was, thereby reducing it
to a previously solved problem.

The engineer was in the woods to hunt deer, therefore it was a deer.
__________________
"We were wrong, terribly wrong. (We) should not have tried to fight a guerrilla war with conventional military tactics against a foe willing to absorb enormous casualties...in a country lacking the fundamental political stability necessary to conduct effective military and pacification operations. It could not be done and it was not done."
- Robert S. McNamara
-----------------------------------------
"We will take our napalm and flame throwers out of the land that scarcely knows the use of matches...
We will leave you your small joys and smaller troubles."
- Eugene McCarthy in "Vietnam Message"
-----------------------------------------
never wrestle with a pig.
you both get dirty;
the pig likes it.
uncle phil is offline  
Old 05-05-2003, 08:06 AM   #36 (permalink)
Squid
 
MikeyChalupa's Avatar
 
Location: USS George Washington
Quote:
Originally posted by Snakeyes
phil you've told the same damn joke in 46 variations
No, he's just reduced each joke to a previously used punchline.

-Mikey
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Old 05-05-2003, 08:10 AM   #37 (permalink)
Squid
 
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Location: USS George Washington
Some units of measurement:

Unit of beauty required to launch one ship = milli-Helen
Ratio of an igloo's circumference to its diameter = Eskimo Pi
2.4 statute miles of intravenous surgical tubing at Yale University Hospital = 1 I.V. League
2000 pounds of Chinese soup = Won ton
1 millionth mouthwash = 1 microscope
Speed of a tortoise breaking the sound barrier = Mach Turtle
Time it takes to sail 220 yards at 1 nautical mile per hour = Knot-furlong
365.25 days of drinking low-calorie beer because it's less filling = 1 lite year
16.5 feet in the Twilight Zone = 1 Rod Serling
Half of a large intestine = 1 semicolon
1,000,000 aches = 1 megahurtz
Weight an evangelist carries with God = 1 billigram
Basic unit of laryngitis = 1 hoarsepower
Shortest distance between two jokes = A straight line
Time between slipping on a peel and smacking the pavement = bananosecond
A Half-Bath = 1 demijohn
453.6 graham crackers = 1 pound cake
Given the old adage "a journey of a thousand miles
begins with a single step," the first step of a one-mile journey = 1 Milwaukee
1 million microphones = 1 phone
1 million phones = 1 megaphone
1 million bicycles = 2 megacycles
365.25 days = 1 unicycle
2000 mockingbirds = two kilomockingbirds
10 cards = 1 decacards
1 kilogram of falling figs = 1 Fig Newton
1000 grams of wet socks = 1 literhosen
1 millionth of a fish = 1 microfiche
1 trillion pins = 1 terrapin
1 million billion picolos = 1 gigolo
10 rations = 1 decoration
100 rations = 1 C-ration
10 millipedes = 1 centipede
3 1/3 tridents = 1 decadent
10 monologs = 5 dialogs
5 dialogs = 1 decalog
2 monograms = 1 diagram
8 nickels = 2 paradigms
2 wharves = 1 paradox

-Mikey
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Old 05-06-2003, 02:20 AM   #38 (permalink)
comfortably numb...
 
uncle phil's Avatar
 
Super Moderator
Location: upstate
A computer scientist, mathematician, a physicist, and an engineer were
travelling through Scotland when they saw a black sheep through the
window of the train.

"Aha," says the engineer, "I see that Scottish sheep are black."

"Hmm," says the physicist, "You mean that some Scottish sheep are
black."

"No," says the mathematician, "All we know is that there is at least
one sheep in Scotland, and that at least one side of that one sheep is
black!"

"Oh, no!" shouts the computer scientist, "A special case!"
__________________
"We were wrong, terribly wrong. (We) should not have tried to fight a guerrilla war with conventional military tactics against a foe willing to absorb enormous casualties...in a country lacking the fundamental political stability necessary to conduct effective military and pacification operations. It could not be done and it was not done."
- Robert S. McNamara
-----------------------------------------
"We will take our napalm and flame throwers out of the land that scarcely knows the use of matches...
We will leave you your small joys and smaller troubles."
- Eugene McCarthy in "Vietnam Message"
-----------------------------------------
never wrestle with a pig.
you both get dirty;
the pig likes it.
uncle phil is offline  
Old 05-06-2003, 02:42 AM   #39 (permalink)
Irresponsible
 
yotta's Avatar
 
Quote:
Originally posted by ratbastid
A mathematician visited a native american reservation.

He spoke with an old native american woman who was sitting on a buffalo pelt. She said, "My son runs so fast, he can reach that mountain all the way over there by sundown."

Then he spoke with a woman sitting on a coyote pelt. She said, "My son is so strong, he can wrestle a buffalo to the ground."

Then he spoke with a woman sitting on a hippopotamus skin. She said, "I have no sons. But <i>I</i> can run to the mountain before sundown, and <i>I</i> can wrestle a buffalo to the ground."

Then the mathematician realized that the squah of the hippopotamus is equal to the sons of the squahs of the other two hides.
XD. I so want to hit you...,
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Old 05-06-2003, 04:12 AM   #40 (permalink)
Crazy
 
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Location: Scapponia
A good thread, for all practical purposes.
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What awful irony is this?
We are as gods, but know it not.
http://www.pbase.com/procyon_groot&view=recent/
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