Eviltree

The First Affair.

There was a middle-aged couple who had two stunningly beautiful
teen-aged
daughters. They decided to try one last time for the son they always
wanted.
After months of trying, the wife became pregnant and sure enough,
nine
months later delivered a healthy baby boy. The joyful father rushed
to the
nursery to see his new son. He took one look and was horrified to
see the
ugliest child he had ever seen. He went to his wife and said that
there was
no way that he could be the father of that child.

Then he gave her a "Have you been fooling around on me?"

The wife just smiled sweetly and said, "Not this time."


The Second Affair

A mortician was working late one night. It was his job to examine
the dead
bodies before they were sent off to be buried or cremated. As he
examined
the body of Mr. Schwartz, who was about to be cremated, he made an
amazing
discovery: Schwartz had the longest private part he had ever seen!
"I'm
sorry Mr. Schwartz," said the mortician, "but I can't send you off
to be
cremated with a tremendously huge private part like this. It has to
be
saved for posterity." With that the coroner used his tools to
remove the
deadman's private part. The coroner stuffed his prize into a
briefcase and
took it home. The first person he showed was his wife. "I have
something to
show you that you won't believe," he said, and opened his briefcase.
"Oh my
God!" she screamed, "Schwartz is dead!"



The Third Affair

A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband
opening the
front door. "Hurry," she said, "stand in the corner." She quickly
rubbed
baby oil all over him and then she dusted him with talcum powder.
"Don't
move until I tell you to," she whispered. Just pretend you're a
statue."
"What's this, honey?" the husband inquired as he entered the room.
"Oh,
it's just a statue," she replied nonchalantly. "The Smiths bought
one for
their bedroom. I liked it so much, I got one for us too. No more
was said
about the statue, not even later that night when they went to sleep.
Around
two in the morning the husband got out of bed, went to the kitchen,
and
returned a while later with a sandwich and a glass of milk. "Here,"
he said
to the 'statue,' "eat something. I stood like an idiot at the
Smiths' for
three days, and nobody offered me as much as a glass of water."



Part 2

loganmule

all good, but especially the Schwartz one

small one

All those "Affairs" are so funny

warrrreagl

All are definitely good.

__________________
Living is easy with eyes closed.

Sparky

The 3rd is the best one.

__________________
"I had never really thought about it before," Det. Dern said. "But obviously, giving an elephant an enema can be a very dangerous activity and not something that should be attempted alone."

soccerstudpc20

i like the second one

Liquor Dealer

I really like the one with the baby oil!

__________________
Life isn't always a bowl of cherries, sometimes it's more like a jar of Jalapenos --- what you say or do today might burn your ass tomorrow!!!

Scorpio

#2 was good!

crackpot

A tremendously tittilating trio. Thanks tons <b>tree</b>!