he_haha

Thanks for all of these jokes, they are all great, you guys rock! I'll be looking for some to share.

doc

Awesome jokes people, thanks for the laughs!

liquidlight

I haven't laughed that hard in a long time. . . and I'm amazed that I can chip in here with one that I didn't see!

Little Johnny comes home from school one day with a new word, finding his mother in the kitchen he asks her "Mom, what's fucking?" A little taken aback Mom stammers a moment and then tells little Johnny, "That means getting dressed."

A couple of days later Johnny hears another new word at school that he springs on his mother, "Mom, what's shit?" Again caught off guard Mom thinks fast and replies, "That means food, son."

About a week goes by and sure enough Little Johnny comes home with another one, "Mom, what's an asshole?" Getting used to this by now Mom tells him, "That's another word for a preacher."

Well, as fate would have it the preacher was going to be joining Little Johnny and his parents for Sunday dinner that week, after spending all day cooking Mom and Dad go upstairs to get dressed, leaving the seven-course dinner on the table in the dining room and Little Johnny to anwser the door should the preacher arrive while they're dressing. The doorbell rings and Little Johnny opens it to be greeted by the preacher, "Hello Little Johnny." Johnny, attempting to broaden his mind and show the preacher that he is well educated answers, "Hi, Asshole! The shit's on the table and Mom and Dad are upstairs fucking!"

Yeah, I just bet you didn't see that one coming a mile away!

__________________
Halfway to hell and picking up speed.

Zeraph

Biggest compilation of Johny evar. Thanks guys.

Cervantes

One day at school, the science teacher decided that she would teach about the elements. So she stood in the front of the class and said, "Children, if you could have one raw element in the world, what would it be?"

Little Stevie raised his hand and said, "I would want gold, because gold is worth a lot of money and I could buy a Porsche."

The teacher nodded and called on little Susie.

Little Susie said, "I would want platinum, because platinum is worth more than gold and I could buy a Corvette."

The teacher smiled and then called on Little Johnny. Little Johnny stood up and said, "I would want silicon."

The teacher said, "Why Johnny?"

He responded by saying, "Because my mom has two bags of it and you should see all the sports cars outside our house!"

__________________
- "Philosophy is questions that may never be answered. Religion is answers that may never be questioned.."
- "Religions take everything that your DNA naturally wants to do to survive and pro-create and makes it wrong."
- "There is only one absolute truth and that is that there is only one absolute truth."

Racer

During a good manners and etiquette class, the teacher says to her
students: "If you were courting a well educated young girl from a
prominent family and during a dinner for two you needed to go to the
toilet, what would you say to her?"
Mike replies: "Wait a minute, I'm going for a pee."
The teacher says: "That would be very rude and improper on your
part."
Charlie replies: "I'm sorry I need to go to the toilet, I'll be
back in a minute."
The teacher says: "That's much better but to mention the word
"toilet," during a meal, is unpleasant."
And Johnny says: "My dear, please excuse me for a moment. I have to
go shake hands with a personal friend, whom, I hope to be able to
introduce you to after dinner."

No surrender

Little Johnny's teacher is showing the kid's pictures of animals and having the kids guess what kind of an animal is shown. She holds up the monkey, the giraffe, the zebra and the kids diligently raise their hands and guess.

When the teacher holds up a picture of huge 19 point buck the kids just can't seem to guess what it is. Finally, the teacher turns to little Johnny and says, "Johnny, you should get this one, what does you mom sometimes call your dad around the house?

Johnny thinks for a moment real hard and then finally smiles knowingly and blurts out: "So that's what a horney bastard looks like!"

crxforum

Im only on page 3 and dont have all night to read all of these so I hope mine has not been already posted.

Johnny and his parents just moved from Alabama to New York and Johnny is going into the 3rd grade. On the first day of school Johnny's teacher asks the kids to count to 100. None of the kids could do it but Johnny not only counted to 100 but all the way to 1000. He rushed home and told his dad. "I counted all the way to 1000 today in class and none of the other students could do it. Why is that?" His dad replied, "Well you're so smart because you're from Alabama."

The 2nd day of school the teacher asked the kids to recite the alphabet. None of the kids could get past K but Johnny made it all the way to the end. After school he ran home and told his dad, "Dad I made it through the whole alphabet and none of the other students could get past K! Why is that?" His dad replied, "Well you're so smart because you're from Alabama."

On the 3rd day of school Johnny just finished Gym class and he and his classmates were in the locker room showering. Johnny looked around and noticed that his penis was so much larger than anyone else in his class. He ran home and told his dad, "Hey dad! After gym today the guys were taking a shower in the locker room and I noticed that I was so much bigger than they were! Why is that?" His dad replied, "Thats because your 21."

CRX Forum

itch vaccine

haahahaa..this one made my night! haahhha... reminds me of a friend who was teasing me..he wanted to call me a womaniser..and he say " You are a womaniser! W-O-M-A-N- err... W-O-M-A........ " haahaha retard! funny fella.

__________________
"When you sit with a nice girl for two hours, it seems like two minutes.
When you sit on a hot stove for two minutes, it seems like two hours.
That's relativity."
- Albert Einstein

lilfle

wow these are hilarious, i read all of them, took me like an hour, got me through class thanks everyone

__________________
this is me, i'm lil fle

nrclark

Little Johnny asked for a new bicycle for his birthday.
"Son, we'd love to give you a new bike but our home mortgage is $280,000, your mother just lost her job, and there's just no way we can afford it," said his father.
The next morning, Dad caught Little Johnny heading out the front door with a suitcase.
"Johnny? Where are you going?"
"I'm leaving!" replied Little Johnny indignantly.
"But why, son?"
"Well, Dad, last night, when I passed your room, I heard you tell Mom you were pulling out, and then she told you to wait because she was coming too, and I'll be damned if I'm staying here alone with a $280,000 mortgage and no bicycle!"

Warlock!

In a similar vein to post #47...

One day in school the teacher decided to play a letter/word association game.

"I'll say a letter, and you tell me something that starts with that letter. Does anyone know a word that starts with the letter 'A'?"

Johnny raises his hand, but the teacher knows all too well what word Johnny is thinking of. She calls on Mary.

"'A' is for 'apple'", says Mary.

"That's very good mary", the teacher exclaims. "Who knows a word that starts with 'B'?"

Johnny's hand shoots into the air, his face painted with excitement.

Seeing Johnny, but thinking the better of it, the teacher calls on Sam.

"'B' is for 'boy'", Sam says proudly.

This carries on throughout the alphabet, with Johnny getting increasingly excited by the letters C, D, F, and S, and many in between.

Finally they get to the letter W. No one raises their hand. After a slight pause, Johnny's hand slowly raises. The teacher thinks thru the list of naughty words she knows and none of them start with a W. Since Johnny is still the only child with his hand in the air, she reluctantly calls his name.

"OK, Johnny... what's a word that starts with 'W'?"

Johnny beams, "Womb!"

Relieved, she says, "That's fantastic Johnny... Womb... the part inside a mommy where babies grow".

Johnny, puzzled, says, "Where babies grow? No... I'm talking about WOMB!", gesturing by sticking his arms out and jerking them back to his body over and over. "You know... like two elephants fuckin'! WHOOM! WHOOM! WHOOM!"

Montanas Heart

LITTLE JOHNNY STRIKES AGAIN....

A grade school teacher in Kentucky asked her students to use the word
"fascinate" in a sentence.

Molly put up her hand and said, "My family went to my granddad's farm,
and we all saw his pet sheep It was fascinating."

The teacher said, "That was good, but I wanted you to use the word
"fascinate, not fascinating".

Sally raised her hand. She said, "My family went to see Rock
City and
I was fascinated."

The teacher said, "Well, that was good Sally, but I wanted you to
use the word "fascinate."

Little Johnny raised his hand. The teacher hesitated because she had
been burned by Little Johnny before. She
finally decided there was no way he could damage the word "fascinate",
so she called on him.

Johnny said, "My aunt Gina has a sweater with ten buttons, but her
tits are so big she can only fasten eight."

The teacher sat down and cried.

ptrick

cool boy KEEPIT UP

Jetée

*Bumpy*

Hope everyone wil appreciate my contribution to this fine thread.
I came across this joke because it was entitled "Little Eddy...", but I thought to just change the name, and presto chango, you got a great Lil Johnny Joke.

It is a bit long, but an instant gold classic with more punchlines and naughty innuendo than you can believe.
Here goes:

--------------
A first-grade teacher was having trouble with one of her students. The teacher asked, "Johnny, what is your problem?" Johnny answered, "I'm too smart for the first-grade. My sister is in the third-grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the third-grade too!" The teacher had had enough. She took Eddy to the principal's office.

While Johhny waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the principal what the situation was. The principal told the teacher he would give the boy a test and if he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the first-grade and behave. The teacher agreed. Johnny was brought in and the conditions were explained to him, and he agreed to take the test. And so the examination commenced:
Principal: "What is 3 x 3?"
Johnny: "9".
Principal: "What is 6 x 6?"
Johnny: "36".
And so it went with every question the principal thought a third-grade student should know. The principal looks at the teacher and tells her, "I think Johnny can go to the third-grade." The teacher says to the principal, "Would you allow me to ask him some questions?" The principal and Johnny both agreed.
The teacher asks, "What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?"
Johnny, after a moment of deep thought, answers "Legs."
Teacher: "What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?" The principal wondered, why does she ask such a question!?
Johnny replied, "Pockets."
Teacher: What does a dog do that a man steps into?
Johnny: Pants
Teacher: What does a man do standing up, a woman do sitting down and a dog do on three legs?
The principal's eyes opened really wide and before he could stop the answer, Johnny was taking charge.
Johnny: Shake hands
Teacher: What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky?
Johnny: Bubblegum
Teacher: What's starts with a C and ends with a T, is hairy, oval, delicious and contains thin whitish liquid?
Johnny: Coconut
The principal was now feeling a bit flustered by the onslaught of such unnerving questions.
Teacher: Now I will ask some "Who am I" sort of questions, okay?
Johnny: Yep.
Teacher: You stick your poles inside me. You tie me down to get me up. I get wet before you do.
Johnny: Tent
Teacher: A finger goes in me. You fiddle with me when you're bored. The best man always has me first.
The principal was looking restless and a bit tense.
Johnny: Wedding Ring
Teacher: I come in many sizes. When I'm not well, I drip. When you blow me, you feel good.
Johnny: Nose
Teacher: I have a stiff shaft. My tip penetrates. I come with a quiver.
Johnny: Arrow
Teacher: What word starts with an 'F' and ends in 'K' that means a lot of excitement?
Johnny: Firetruck
The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the teacher, "Put Johnny in the fifth-grade, I missed the last ten questions myself."
----------
HaHa

__________________
As human beings, our greatness lies not so much in being able to remake the world (that is the myth of the Atomic Age) as in being able to remake ourselves.

—Mohandas K. Gandhi

joseph

LITTLE JOHNNY: I wanna get in your pants.
SUSIE: Why?
LITTLE JOHNNY: Because I shit in mine.

Jetée

An old man in Mississippi is sitting on his front porch watching the sun rise. He sees the neighbor's kid walk by carrying something big under his arm.
"Hey boy, whatcha got there?"
"Roll of chicken wire."
"What you gonna do with that?"
"Gonna catch some chickens."
"You damn fool! You can't catch chickens with chicken wire!"
The boy just laughs and keeps walking. That evening at sunset, the boy comes walking by, dragging behind him the chicken wire with about 30 chickens caught in it.

The next morning, the old man is out watching the sun rise and he sees the boy walk by carrying something in his hand.
"Hey boy, whatcha got there?"
"Roll of duct tape."
"What you gonna do with that?"
"Gonna catch me some ducks."
"You damn fool! You can't catch ducks with duct tape!"
The boy just laughs and keeps walking.That night around sunset the boy walks by, trailing behind him the unrolled roll of duct tape with about 35 ducks caught in it.

The next morning, the old man sees the boy walking by carrying what looks like a long reed with something fuzzy on the end.
''Hey boy, whatcha got there?"
"It's a pussy willow."
"Wait up...I'll get my hat."

__________________
As human beings, our greatness lies not so much in being able to remake the world (that is the myth of the Atomic Age) as in being able to remake ourselves.

—Mohandas K. Gandhi

Jetée

--------------
Late one night, little Johnny woke up to the some loud noises coming from his parents' bedroom.
He got out of bed and walked down the hall towards his parents room.
Before he made it to the end of the hall, the noises had ceased and the bathroom light had gone on.
Little Johnny walked into the bathroom and saw his father removing a used condom.
"Daddy, what are you doing?" asked little Johnny.
His father looked around nervously wondering what he could tell his son.
"I, um, I'm just checking out the bathroom for mice." replied his father.
Johnny looked at his father with a gaze of confusion and said, "Well, what are you doing?
Fucking them?"
--------------

__________________
As human beings, our greatness lies not so much in being able to remake the world (that is the myth of the Atomic Age) as in being able to remake ourselves.

—Mohandas K. Gandhi

johno50

ok read all of them and i never saw this one so here it is .

the teacher is standing in the classroom doorway greeting all the kids as they arrive.
good morning mary ........good morning miss
good morning sally ........good morning miss
good morning johnny ...........get fucked miss

well now johnny you can just go stand in the corner and think about what you said .
the morning rolls on and its lunch time........ok children you can all go out and play , not you johnny.
you can come here and i will ask you a question on geography if you can answer me properly you can go out with the other children,
johnny where is the paskistan border ........, and johnny says that bastard is at home in bed with mum and thats why i never got any breakfast and thats why i aint in a good fukin mood

Jetée

Little Johnny came home from school one day and went by his mom's room. The door was open, so he looked in and saw his mom lying on the bed naked moaning and touching herself saying, "Ooh, I need a man! I need a man!"

The next day, Little Johnny got home from school and saw his mom lying on the bed naked with a naked guy on top of her. So Little Johnny ran to his room, stripped down naked, and started to touch himself, while moaning, "Ooh, I need a bike! I need a bike!"

-----------------------

Little Johnny was in church with his mom for Sunday Mass when he felt a sudden barf attack impending. "Mom, I think I'm going to throw up!" She told him, "I want you to run outside as fast as you can. Run across the lawn and go behind the bushes. You can throw up behind the bushes and nobody will see you." So Little Johnny hauled ass for the door. Less than a minute later, he returned to his seat next to his mom. He had the look of obvious relief on his young face. "Did you make it all the way to the bushes, Johnny?"

"I didn't have to go that far, mom. Just as I got to the front door, I found a box that had a sign on it: FOR THE SICK."

------------------

Johnny asks father: "Does grampa still have sex with granny?"

Father replies: "I'm sorry, son, but they both are much too old to have sex."

Johnny asks grandpa: "Do you still have sex with granny?"

Grandpa says: "Yes, but only oral."

Johnny asks: "What is oral?"

Grandpa says: "I say fuck you, she says fuck you, too."

--------------------

hee, I have more....

__________________
As human beings, our greatness lies not so much in being able to remake the world (that is the myth of the Atomic Age) as in being able to remake ourselves.

—Mohandas K. Gandhi

Jetée

Little Johnny comes home from school with a note from his teacher,
indicating that "Johnny seems to be having some difficulty with the
differences between boys and girls," and would his mother, "please sit
down and have a talk with Johnny about this."

So Johnny's mother takes him quietly, by the hand, upstairs to her
bedroom, and closes the door.

- First, Johnny, I want you to take off my blouse...

So he unbuttons her blouse and takes it off.

- Ok, now take off my skirt...

And he takes off her skirt.

- Now take off my bra...

Which he does.

- And now, Johnny, please take off my panties.

And when Johnny finishes removing those, she says,

"Johnny, PLEASE don't wear any of my clothes to school any more!"

__________________
As human beings, our greatness lies not so much in being able to remake the world (that is the myth of the Atomic Age) as in being able to remake ourselves.

—Mohandas K. Gandhi

Jetée

One day, Little Susie got her monthly bleeding for the first time in her life.

Not quite certain what was happening, and somewhat frightened, she decided to tell Little Johnny. Little Susie dropped her panties and showed Little Johnny what was happening.

Little Johnny's eyes opened wide in amazement. "You know," he said, "I'm not a doctor, but it looks like someone just ripped your balls off!"

__________________
As human beings, our greatness lies not so much in being able to remake the world (that is the myth of the Atomic Age) as in being able to remake ourselves.

—Mohandas K. Gandhi

aphrodisiac

little johnny goes to his first day of school

comes back with a homeweork book full of math

he does it ALL before even eating

his dady asks him "why the fuck are you so eager to do your math"

little johnny relies "dad, as soon as i walked into the classroom i knew they were serious about math.... they nailed some poor fucker to a plus sign"

Sion

this one makes a lot more sense if you mention that it's a parochial school

__________________
He's the best, of course, of all the worst.
Some wrong been done, he done it first. -fz

I jus' want ta thank you...falettinme...be mice elf...agin...

Boo

Little Johnny's dad and grandfather were sorting out their pigs. They did this by dad handing a little pig to his father, who promptly dangled the pig by the tail which he held between his teeth, then stated the pig's weight and wrote it down. Seems grandfather was really good at this and could weigh a pig to within a couple of ounces.
After weighing most of the pigs, dad asked little Johnny to go up to the house and get them all a drink. Upon his return, dad asked little Johnny what mom was doing.......and so Johnny replied, " I think she's weighing the UPS man."

__________________
Back button again, I must be getting old.

bunjamin

It's summertime and Johnny is on break. His mother, tired of seeing him lounge around the house all day notices a new house being built across the street.


"Johnny," she says, "instead of laying around like a bum why don't you go across the street and see if you can learn something about what it takes to build a house."

Johnny grumbles, crawls up off the couch and shuffles across the street. A few minutes later Johnny's mom glances out the window again and she notices Johnny zipping around, picking up tools and disappearing back in the house. "Finally. Maybe he's found his true calling," she thinks.

A few minutes before five Johnny comes walking in the front door. He looks exhausted, but he has a big smile on his face.

"Well, Johnny, did you learn anything about what it takes to build a house?" his mom asks.

"I sure did!," Johnny says, obviously excited, "First you frame the fucking wall, then you screw on the fucking drywall. Then you put the fucking windows in and hang the fucking doors and if the fuckers won't close right, you shim them a cunt hair till they do!"

Johnny's mom, flabbergasted, sends him to his room with a "Wait till your father hears this."

A few minutes later Johnny's father comes home from work and Johnny's mother tells him what had happened. Johnny's father goes to the boys room and says, "All right son, tell me what you said to your mother that got her all upset."

Johnny says, "Sure! If you want to build a house first you frame the fucking wall, then you screw on the fucking drywall. Then you put the fucking windows in and hang the fucking doors and if the fuckers won't close right, you shim them a cunt hair till they do!"

Red with anger, Johnny's dad tells him, "I'm afraid I'm going to have to spank you. I want you to go outside and get me a switch."

Johnny looks at him indignantly and says, "Fuck you bitch, that's the electrician's job."

Jetée

A father asked his son, Little Johnny, if he knew about the birds and the bees.

"I don't want to know!" Little Johnny said, exploding and bursting into tears. Confused, his father asked Little Johnny what was wrong.

"Oh Pop," Johnny sobbed, "for me there was no Santa Claus at age six, no Easter Bunny at seven, and no Tooth Fairy at eight. And if you're telling me now that grown ups don't really have sex, I've got nothing left to believe in!"

__________________
As human beings, our greatness lies not so much in being able to remake the world (that is the myth of the Atomic Age) as in being able to remake ourselves.

—Mohandas K. Gandhi

dd3953

i have never seen so many lil johnny jokes. but damn, they funny.

thanks for all who shared. . . wish i had one to add

__________________
[Technically, I'm not possible, I'm made of exceptions. ]

itsnick

Little Johnny wanders up to his dad who's fixing the lawnmower....Hey Dad, what's sex?

Shit, thinks Dad....I wasn;t ready for that one....

Well, son, it's when..um..er, when two people .... this goes on for a while until he eventually gets the whole issue out with Little Johnny paying attention...

When he's finished he asks Little Johnny ... Why the question about sex now Johnny?

Oh,...Mum told me to come out and tell you dinner would be ready in a couple of secs.....

__________________
“Travel is fatal to prejudice, bigotry, and narrow-mindedness, and many of our people need it sorely on these accounts." Mark Twain

ptrick

you make the day

two boys are smoking weed in a tree one says tho the other gee wiz how the hell are we going to get down from here one says well lets get the uncle toms ladder at his house then we can use it. So they get down and get the ladder and come up the tree and get back up then get down!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

nbcct

Little Johnny and little Sally were in the sandbox together.

Little Johnny said to Sally, "I'll show you mine if you show me yours".

Little Sally said, "Ok". Then Little Sally said, "How come I don't have one of those"? "I don't know, why don't you ask your mother", said Johnny.

The next day Little Sally comes back to the sandbox.

"Hey, did you ask your mother why you don't have one of these"? asked little Johnny.

"Ya, said little Sally, "she said if I have one of these, I can have all of those I want"!

uncle phil

(did a quick search; didn't see anything like this...hope it's not a repeat...)


One day Little Johnny heard a noise and peeked into his parent’s room to
check it out.

He opened the door to see his mom bent over the dresser and dad going at
it behind her. Johnny's dad saw him and gave him a little wink as Johnny
closed the door.

After business was finished Dad went to check on little Johnny. He opened
his bedroom door to find Grandma bent over the dresser and little Johnny
going at it behind her.

Dad yelled, "Johnny, what the hell are you doing?!"

Little Johnny replied, "It's not so funny when it’s your mom is it?

__________________
"We were wrong, terribly wrong. (We) should not have tried to fight a guerrilla war with conventional military tactics against a foe willing to absorb enormous casualties...in a country lacking the fundamental political stability necessary to conduct effective military and pacification operations. It could not be done and it was not done."
- Robert S. McNamara
-----------------------------------------
"We will take our napalm and flame throwers out of the land that scarcely knows the use of matches...
We will leave you your small joys and smaller troubles."
- Eugene McCarthy in "Vietnam Message"
-----------------------------------------
never wrestle with a pig.
you both get dirty;
the pig likes it.

LoganSnake

Vovochka is the Russian Little Johnny, so it fits here.

In biology class, the teacher draws a cucumber on the board: "Children, could someone tell me what this is?" Vovochka raises his hand: "It's a dick, Marivanna!" Maria Ivanovna bursts into tears and runs out. In a minute the principal bursts in: "All right, what did you do now? It's something new every day! Yesterday you break a window, and today...," he looks around, "...and today you draw a dick on the blackboard?"

The teacher asks the class to produce a word that starts with the letter "A"; Vovochka happily raises his hand and says "Asshole!" The teacher, shocked, responds "For shame! There's no such word!" "That's strange," says Vovochka, "the asshole exists, but the word doesn't!"

__________________
Maturity is knowing you were an idiot in the past. Wisdom is knowing that you'll be an idiot in the future. Common sense is knowing that you should try not to be an idiot now. - J. Jacques

huey blarg

So, the teacher asks her class, "What is the only animal that stutters?". Little mary raises her hand and answers "Only humans can stutter". The teachers says "That's right Mary". Little Johnny blurts out "That's not true, my cat stutters"! The teacher replies "No Johnny, cats don't stutter". Insistently Johnny goes on, "Yes cats do too stutter. Yesterday I was in my back yard with my cat, and a big dog got in the yard, My cat said (cat hissing sound) Phhh, Phhh, and before he could say Phuck, the dog got him.

tood_88

wanna more of lil johnny

uncle phil

During one of her daily classes, a teacher trying to teach good manners, asked her students the following question:

'Michael, if you were on a date having dinner with a nice young lady, how would you tell her that you have to go to the bathroom?'

Michael said, 'Just a minute I have to go pee.'

The teacher responded by saying, 'That would be rude and impolite. What about you, Sherman, how would you say it?'

Sherman said, 'I am sorry, but I really need to go to the bathroom. I'll be right back.'

'That's better, but it's still not very nice to say the word bathroom at the dinner table. And you, little Johnny, can you use your brain for once and show us your good manners?'

'I would say, 'Darling, may I please be excused for a moment? I have to shake hands with a very dear friend of mine, to whom I hope to introduce you after dinner.''

The teacher fainted.

__________________
"We were wrong, terribly wrong. (We) should not have tried to fight a guerrilla war with conventional military tactics against a foe willing to absorb enormous casualties...in a country lacking the fundamental political stability necessary to conduct effective military and pacification operations. It could not be done and it was not done."
- Robert S. McNamara
-----------------------------------------
"We will take our napalm and flame throwers out of the land that scarcely knows the use of matches...
We will leave you your small joys and smaller troubles."
- Eugene McCarthy in "Vietnam Message"
-----------------------------------------
never wrestle with a pig.
you both get dirty;
the pig likes it.

eknine

Lol, Johnny is my hero

Osilan

"All right class," says Ms. Jones, "today we're going to talk about where babies come from."
Johnny's hand shoots into the air at the back of the room.
"Can any of you tell me where babies come from?" Ms. Jones asks, trying to ignore the frantically waving hand. "Don't be shy; can any of you share what you know with the rest of the class?"
Johnny is turning pink and purple and slightly bluish from holding his breath. The class is silent.
"All right Johnny," she says, "what can you tell us?"
"Well," Johnny begins, "first mommy and daddy have to love each other very much. Then they have to get reeeeeeally close together and kiss and wish for a baby, and then one day a stork brings them the baby."
Ms. Jones smiles with surprise and relief.
"But there's something I don't get," Johnny says.
"What's that?" she asks.
"Who fucks the stork?"

Jetée

little johnny was riding a tricycle up a hill and one wheel popped off
johnny said god damnit and the preacher said dont say god damnit say god bless
so johnny put the wheel back on and went back up the hill when all three wheels came off and johny said god!!!
the preacher said to say god bless so johnny obliged this time and said god bless
suddenly a heavenly light appeared all three wheels popped back on and the preacher said god damn!!!

__________________
As human beings, our greatness lies not so much in being able to remake the world (that is the myth of the Atomic Age) as in being able to remake ourselves.

—Mohandas K. Gandhi

Seeker5509

hahahahaha - I thought I'd heard them all. Good one!

__________________
Full speed ahead and damn the torpedoes - Adm David Farragut