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04-19-2003, 09:24 AM
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#1 (permalink) |
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Psycho
Location: Where hockey pucks run rampant
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Lil' Johnny
One day little Johnny ran up to his Pa and asked "Hey, Pa, how come when the chicken died, it laid on it's back with it's legs in the air?"
Pa, thinking fast, answered "Well, son, you see it did that so it'd be easy for God to reach down and take the chicken by the legs and haul him on up to heaven." Later that week, when Pa came back from a trip to the feed store, little Johnny ran up to him. "Pa! Pa! Ma almost died today!" exclaimed little Johnny. "Slow down, son, and tell me what happened." said Pa. "Well, I was going upstairs to get my baseball glove, and when I walked past your room, Ma was on her back with her legs in the air, just like the chicken! She was yelling 'Oh, I'm coming! I'm coming!' and if it hadn't been for Uncle Steve holding her down, we'd a lost her for sure!"
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Lead me, follow me, or get out of my way! |
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04-20-2003, 04:17 AM
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#12 (permalink) |
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Junkie
Location: Pa, USA
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Big people words...
Mrs. Jones' 1st grade class had just gotten back from spring break, and she was asking her students what they did over break.
When asked what she did, little Julie replied, "I went to the farm and saw the Moo Moo." Mrs. Jones smiled and replied, "That's great Julie, but use big people words. You went to the farm and saw the cow. " She then turned to Melissa and asked what she did over break. Melissa blurted out, "I went on the Choo Choo with mommy and daddy." Mrs. Jones smiled again and replied, "That is great Melissa, but remember to use big people words. You went on the train with mom and dad." Lastly, Mrs. Jones looked across the room and pointed to Johnny. "What did you do during your break, Johnny?" Johnny, who had had his hand raised, puffed out his chest, smiled and replied, "Over spring break, I read Winnie the Shit." |
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04-20-2003, 04:52 AM
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#14 (permalink) |
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Crazy
Location: Arizona
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I love Johnny jokes. So innocent, yet born to raise hell.
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"So I was sitting in my cubicle today, and I realized, ever since I started working, every single day of my life has been worse than the day before it. So that means that every single day that you see me, that's on the worst day of my life." -Peter Gibbons, Office Space |
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04-20-2003, 01:37 PM
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#20 (permalink) |
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Insane
Location: Beautiful Van Nuys, California
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The Zoo
Little Johnny goes to the zoo with his mother. They get to the elephant enclosure and one of them is taking a leak. Johnny points to the pachyderm's privates and asks, "Mom, what's that?" His mother insists, "Oh, that's nothing. Come along now."
A few weeks later, Johnny is at the zoo again, this time with his father. Back at the elephant house, Johnny points out the old elephant parts and asks, "Daddy, what's that?" His father replies, "Didn't your mother tell you?" Johnny answers, "She told me it was nothing." His father nods and says, "Son, your mother is spoiled."
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justMike |
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04-20-2003, 01:43 PM
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#21 (permalink) |
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Junkie
Location: 1 mile from Ground Zero
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Little Johnny...Classic
So this teacher is teaching her grade four class, and she's telling them that the word of the day is 'contagious.' She asks if anyone can use this word in a sentence, and several people stick up their hands.
"Carl," she says. Carl says, "My dad told me to stay away from kids with mumps, 'cause they're contagious." "Very good," says the teacher. Then she picks Suzie, who says, "The atmosphere was contagious," and the teacher says, "Excellent, Suzie!" Then she notices that little Johnny has his hand up, at the back of the class, (and she really doesn't want to call on Little Johnny.) "Yes, Johnny?" she says. Johnny says, "The other day, me and my dad's a-sittin around, and we saw our blonde neighbor painting her fence. She had a tiny little model car paintbrush, and she was going in tiny little strokes up and down the fence, and my dad says to me, "Jesus, it's gonna take that cunt ages to finish that fence!!"" Glad 
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I'm "Glad I Ate Her" because the payback was worth it!! |
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04-25-2003, 08:57 AM
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#29 (permalink) |
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Insane
Location: Up my ass
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Hahahahaha! Cunt ages!! That's great!
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Alice, that dog has been licking his own asshole for three hours. I would venture to say that there is nothing there that requires more than an hour's attention. So I would suggest that whatever he's attempting to dislodge is either gone for good....or there to stay. -The Long Kiss Goodnight_ |
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04-25-2003, 09:29 PM
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#31 (permalink) |
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pinche vato
Location: backwater, Third World, land of cotton
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A new teacher was trying to make use of her psychology courses. She started her class by saying, "Everyone who thinks you're stupid, stand up!"
After a few seconds, Little Johnny stood up. The teacher said, "Do you think you're stupid, Little Johnny?" "No, ma'am, but I hate to see you standing there all by yourself!" -------------------------- Little Johnny was sitting in class doing math problems when his teacher picked him to answer a question. "Johnny, if there were five birds sitting on a fence and you shot one with your gun, how many would be left?" "None.", replied Johnny "cause the rest would fly away." "Well, the answer is four," said the teacher. "But I like the way you are thinking." Little Johnny said, "I have a question for you now. If there were three women eating ice cream cones in a shop, one licking her cone, the second biting her cone, and the third sucking the cone, which one is married?" "Well," said the teacher nervously, "I guess the one sucking the cone?" "No," said Little Johnny, "the one with the wedding ring on her finger, but I like the way you are thinking."
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Living is easy with eyes closed. |
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04-28-2003, 10:57 PM
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#35 (permalink) |
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Junkie
Location: Louisiana
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Definitely
Nursery school teacher says to her class, "Who can use the word 'Definitely' in a sentence?"
First a little girl says "The sky is definitely blue" Teacher says, "Sorry, Amy, but the sky can be gray, or orange..." Second little boy..."Trees are definitely green" "Sorry, but in the autumn, the trees are brown." Little Johnny from the back of the class stands up and asks: "Does a fart have lumps?" The teacher looks horrified and says..."Johnny! Of course not!!!" "OK...then I DEFINITELY shit my pants..." |
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06-11-2003, 07:55 AM
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#36 (permalink) |
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Insane
Location: A fuzzy cloud.
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Little Johnny wants a red bike.
Hope it's not a repost..
Little Johnnys' Bike Little Johnny came into the kitchen where his mother was making dinner. His birthday was coming up and he thought this was a good time to tell his mother what he wanted. "Mom, I want a bike for my birthday." Little Johnny was a bit of a trouble maker. He had gotten into trouble at school and at home. Johnny's mother asked him if he thought he deserved to get a bike for his birthday. Little Johnny, of course, thought he did. Johnny's mother, being a Christian woman, wanted Johnny to reflect on his behavior over the last year. "Go to your room, Johnny, and think about how you have behaved this year. Then write a letter to God and tell him why you deserve a bike for your birthday." Little Johnny stomped up the steps to his room and sat down to write God a letter. Letter 1 Dear God, I have been a very good boy this year and I would like a bike for my birthday. I want a red one. Your friend, Johnny Johnny knew that this wasn't true. He had not been a very good boy this year, so he tore up the letter and started over. Letter 2 Dear God, This is your friend Johnny. I have been a good boy this year and would like a red bike for my birthday. Thank you. Your friend, Johnny Johnny knew that this wasn't true either. So, he tore up the letter and started again. Letter 3 Dear God, I have been an "OK" boy this year. I still would really like a bike for my birthday. Johnny Johnny knew he could not send this letter to God either. So, Johnny wrote a fourth letter. Letter 4 God, I know I haven't been a good boy this year. I am very sorry. I will be a good boy if you just send me a bike for my birthday. Please! Thanks, Johnny Johnny knew, even if it were true, this letter was not going to get him a bike. Now, Johnny was very upset. He went downstairs and told his Mom that he wanted to go to church. Johnny's mother thought her plan had worked as Johnny looked very sad. "Just be home in time for dinner," Johnny's mother told him. Johnny walked down the street to the church on the corner. Little Johnny went into the church and up to the alter. He looked around to see if anyone was there. Johnny bent down and picked up a statue of the Virgin Mary. He slipped it under his shirt and ran out of the church, down the street, into the house, and up to his room. He shut the door to his room and sat down with a piece of paper and a pen. Johnny began to write his letter to God. Letter 5 God, I'VE GOT YOUR MAMA. IF YOU WANT TO SEE HER AGAIN, SEND THE BIKE! Signed, YOU KNOW WHO!!! |
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| Tags |
| andgtall, hereandlt, johnny, jokes |
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That was good.
