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Old 03-01-2004, 06:03 AM   #1 (permalink)
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Location: northamptonshire
SOMETHING TO OFFEND EVERYONE

If you are a ____ist or easily offended do not read on
SOme classics
What's the difference between a girlfriend and wife? 45 lbs.
>What's the difference between a boyfriend and a husband? 45 mins.
> > > >What is it when a man talks dirty to a woman? Sexual Harassment.
> >What is it when a woman talks dirty to a man? 3.99 a minute.
> > > >How can you tell if your wife is dead? > >The sex is the same, but the dishes pile up.
> > > >How can you tell if your husband is dead? > >The sex is the same, but you get the remote control. > > > >What's a blonde's favourite nursery rhyme? > >HumpmeDumpme. > > > >
What's it called when a woman is paralysed from the waist down? > >Marriage. > > > >
What's the fastest way to a man's heart? > >Through his chest with a sharp knife. > > > >
What have women and floor tiles got in common? > >If you lay them properly the first time, you can walk all over them for > >life. > > > >
Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring and > >good-looking? > >Because those men already have boyfriends.
> > > >What is a man's view of safe sex? > >A padded headboard.
> > > >How do men sort their laundry? > >Filthy" and "Filthy but Wearable"
> > > >What's the difference between a new husband and a new dog? > >After a year, the dog is still excited to see you.
> > > >What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying? > >The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of > >driving.
> > > >What do you call a smart blonde? A golden retriever.
> > > >Who is the most popular guy at the nudist colony?> >The guy who can have a cup of coffee in each hand and still carry a > >dozen donuts. > >
Who is the most popular woman at the nudist colony? > >The woman who ate the last donut.
> > > >What is the difference between a battery and a man? > >A battery has a positive side.
> > > >Do you know why they call it the Wonder Bra? > >When you take it off, you wonder where the breasts went.
> > > >Do you know the punishment for bigamy? > >Two mothers-in-law.
> > > >How many men does it take to open a beer? > >None. It should be opened by the time she brings it.
> > > >Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman? > >Because a woman who can't afford a washing machine will probably never be > >able to support you
. > > > >Why do women have smaller feet than men? > >It's one of those "evolutionary things" that allows them to stand closer to > >the kitchen sink.
> > > >How do you fix a woman's watch? > >You don't. There is a clock on the oven.
> > > >If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the > >front door, whom do you let in first? The dog of course. He'll shut up once > >you let him in.
> > > >What's worse than a Male Chauvinist Pig? > >A woman that won't do what she's told.
> > > >I married Miss Right, I just didn't know her first name was Always.
> > > >I haven't spoken to my wife for 18 months. > >I don't like to interrupt her.
> > > >What do you call a man who has lost 95% of his intelligence? > >Divorced.
> > > >Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman's sex drive by 90% > >It is called Wedding Cake.
> > > >Marriage is a 3-ring circus: > >Engagement Ring > >Wedding Ring, > >Suffering.
> > > >Our last fight was my fault. My wife asked me "What's on the TV?" I said, > >Dust!"
> > > >In the beginning, God created the earth and rested. > >Then God created Man and rested. > >Then God created Woman. > >Since then, neither God nor Man has rested.
> > > >Young Son: "Is it true, Dad, I heard that in some parts of Africa a man > >doesn't know his wife until he marries her?" > >Dad: "That happens in every country, son."


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Old 03-01-2004, 07:06 AM   #2 (permalink)
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What's worse than a Male Chauvinist Pig? > >A woman that won't do what she's told.

Best one. Good stuff.
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Old 03-01-2004, 09:17 AM   #3 (permalink)
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i didn;t find that too offensive
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Old 03-01-2004, 12:21 PM   #4 (permalink)
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Location: New Jersey
lol
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Old 03-01-2004, 04:55 PM   #5 (permalink)
Psycho
 
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Location: i live in the state of denial
offensive, but i was entertained so it's ok. great jokes
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Old 03-01-2004, 05:06 PM   #6 (permalink)
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Location: Central Republic of Where-in-the-Hell
Quote:
How do men sort their laundry? Filthy" and "Filthy but Wearable"


Sad, but true
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Old 03-01-2004, 11:12 PM   #7 (permalink)
Psycho
 
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Location: Canada
Try harder, Im not offended
Amusing though
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Old 03-02-2004, 01:16 AM   #8 (permalink)
Banned
 
Location: Vegas/So. Cal
Old but good.
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Old 03-02-2004, 01:57 AM   #9 (permalink)
Banned
 
Location: York
Not offensive, just damned funny
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Old 03-02-2004, 04:55 PM   #10 (permalink)
Insane
 
Very funny, thanks for sharing.
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Old 03-03-2004, 07:47 AM   #11 (permalink)
Junkie
 
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Location: Pats country
I like how it's eqully offensive to everyone! funny stuff
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Old 03-06-2004, 12:46 PM   #12 (permalink)
Insane
 
Location: Mexico
mildly offensive but great jokes
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Old 03-06-2004, 12:52 PM   #13 (permalink)
Loser
 
Whats laundry?
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Old 03-09-2004, 10:48 AM   #14 (permalink)
Junkie
 
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Location: Near Raleigh, NC
heh heh
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Old 03-09-2004, 12:56 PM   #15 (permalink)
Misanthropic
 
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Location: Ohio! yay!
Quote:
Originally posted by CinnamonGirl


Sad, but true [/B]
Funky, or Funky but will not cause a reaction in a crowd of people...

Thats how I separte mine
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Old 04-05-2004, 09:10 PM   #16 (permalink)
HLP
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Great jokes! I'm not offended but I know a few people who will be when I tell em these!!
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Old 04-05-2004, 09:32 PM   #17 (permalink)
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Location: oregon
NOw that was cool lol nice work that was some funny crule shizzzzzzzit
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Old 04-06-2004, 06:41 AM   #18 (permalink)
Junkie
 
Location: too far from Texas
for some reason, this one made me laugh!

Quote:
> > > >How do you fix a woman's watch? > >You don't. There is a clock on the oven.
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Old 04-06-2004, 10:42 AM   #19 (permalink)
Insane
 
Location: In a van, down by the river
Quote:
Originally posted by bond007
> > > >How do you fix a woman's watch? > >You don't. There is a clock on the oven.

for some reason, this one made me laugh!



Hahaha I concur.
That's my fav.
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Old 04-06-2004, 02:36 PM   #20 (permalink)
Junkie
 
Location: Montreal
Good stuff. I liked the <i>"Why do women have smaller feet than men? It's one of those "evolutionary things" that allows them to stand closer to the kitchen sink."</i> joke, cuz you can start to tell it, sorta Cliff Clavin style, just spouting trivia, then WHAM! punchline out of nowhere.
Thanks for the post!
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