Bill O'Rights

Bread is Bad - Just look at the stats!


A recent Cincinnati Enquirer headline read, "SMELL OF BAKED BREAD MAY BE HEALTH HAZARD." The article went on to describe the dangers of the smell of baking bread. The main danger, apparently, is that the organic components of this aroma may break down ozone (I'm not making this stuff up).

I was horrified. When are we going to do something about bread-induced global warming? Sure, we attack tobacco companies, but when is the government going to go after Big Bread?

Well, I've done a little research, and what I've discovered should make anyone think twice ....

1: More than 98 percent of convicted felons are bread eaters.

2: Fully HALF of all children who grow up in bread-consuming households score below average on standardized tests.

3: In the 18th century, when virtually all bread was baked in the home, the average life expectancy was less than 50 years; infant mortality rates were unacceptably high; many women died in childbirth; and diseases such as typhoid, yellow fever and influenza ravaged whole nations.

4: More than 90 percent of violent crimes are committed within 24 hours of eating bread.

5: Bread is made from a substance called "dough." It has been proven that as little as one pound of dough can be used to suffocate a mouse. The average American eats more bread than that in one month!

6: Primitive tribal societies that have no bread exhibit a low occurrence of cancer, Alzheimer's, Parkinson's disease and osteoporosis.

7: Bread has been proven to be addictive. Subjects deprived of bread and given only water to eat, actually begged for bread after only two days.

8: Bread is often a "gateway" food item, leading the user to harder items such as butter, jelly, peanut butter and even cold cuts.

9: Bread has been proven to absorb water. Since the human body is more than 90 percent water, it follows that eating bread could lead to your body being taken over by this absorptive food product, turning you into a soggy, gooey bread-pudding person.

10: Newborn babies can choke on bread.

11: Bread is baked at temperatures as high as 400 degrees Fahrenheit! That kind of heat can kill an adult in less than one minute.

12: Most American bread eaters are utterly unable to distinguish between significant scientific fact and meaningless statistical babbling.


In light of these frightening statistics, we propose the following bread restrictions:

1: No sale of bread to minors.

2: No advertising of bread within 1000 feet of a school.

3: A 300 percent federal tax on all bread to pay for all the societal ills we might associate with bread.

4: No animal or human images, nor any primary colors (which may appeal to children) may be used to promote bread usage.

5: A $4.2 zillion fine on the three biggest bread manufacturers.

Remember: Think globally, act idiotically.

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"I distrust those people who know so well what God wants them to do because I notice it always coincides with their own desires." - Susan B. Anthony

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Bobaphat

I am shocked!!! Who would have known something so seemingly harmless could be such a terror! I am a changed man, I am swearing off all bread from here on out! Something must be done! Do I hear a March on Washington?

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--size matters not-- yoda

CSflim

*clap clap clap clap clap*

Brilliant set up of misunderstanding/misuse of statistics!

Sadly, this sort of stuff happens all the time, and many people don't even realise it!

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KellyC

I will follow you if you lead the way.

Best 3. Particularly # 7
I laugh so hard reading # 7.

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Him: Ok, I have to ask, what do you believe?
Me: Shit happens.

drag0nmanes

Hahaha, very good set of statistics. Almost looked real until near the end. Very good "article" though...

rockogre

I would like to point out that a large amount of Di-Hydrogen Monoxide is used in the making of bread. This highly corrosive, sometimes toxic liquid is often used with total abandon by those in the bread making business.

There may be a conspiracy.

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Jesus Christ and the American G. I.
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skier

HAHAHAHA

I say this is the best humour post i've seen so far in this forum! I totally laughed out loud and i'm now showing it too all my friends!

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Qazwsxedc

hahah.. that list was actually quite amusing.

#12 was my fav: Most American bread eaters are utterly unable to distinguish between significant scientific fact and meaningless statistical babbling.

Kllr Wolf

Love the way it used stats to make it look evil. and #12 is the best of them.

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Caffeine - the molecule of life.

aarchaon

Bread is bad, mmkay?

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Green. Yellow. Blue.

Gortexfogg

Hehe, funny stuff!

grumpyolddude

Dr. Atkins knew!

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"Regret can be a harder pill to swallow than failure .With failure you at least know you gave it a chance..." David Howard

teseniarkc

That was good.

CSflim

I was just about to post this joke. Then decided I had best search first, and found that not only was it posted before, but I had replied to it!

Anyway, this is a classic and worth a bump, after over a year.

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Coppertop

These stats make even more sense when you remember that beer is liquid bread. Interesting...

Redlemon

There are, in fact, high VOC emissions from the baking of bread. Tell me why a bakery should get off scot-free while the chemical plant down the road is required to put on control equipment? Sure, it smells better, but VOCs create ground-level ozone, whatever their source.

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Seething

75% of all statistics are false.

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Common sense is uncommon. Ironic, isn't it?

jorgelito

Yes! I heard about this too. I just signed a petition to "Remove Di-Hydrogen Monoxide" from the water supply. Thank God, the Right Wing is pressuring Bush to pass legislation establishing and regulating di-hydrogen monoxide levels in the water supply.

Today on Fox News, George Bush declared preventing terrorists from poisoning our nation's water supply with di-hydrogen monoxide a top priority and has created a new government office to deal with this issue, the new branch will work with Homeland Security and a new $200 trillion budget to be overseen by KBR. The contract was handed to KBR due to their expertise and closed to bidding for reasons of national security. On a related note, Halliburton made an unusual move today on Wall Street in a hostile takeover of the world's top 3 bottled water companies. Also strange, Rumsfeld has issued a press release warning of the new threat from Canada to our national security and the need to strategically take over the Canadian water supply. Furthermore, Rumsfeld hinted at a 'limited military engagement' as the CIA declared without a doubt that there is irrefutable proof Canada has weapons of mass destruction hidden near their water reservoirs.

Bush has assured concerned Americans that taxes will not be raised to fund this new department but will most likely be funded through the issing of bonds for the international market to countries like Japan and China.

In fact, Bush has agreed to sign a bill cutting taxes further for those hit hardest in recent years: People making over $300,000 will see their tax liabilities reduced to a fair and balanced 15%. The shortfall to government coffers will be covered by the new Chapter 7 Bankruptcy Bill ensuring that the middle-class will pay for the tax cuts. 51% of Americans agree with Bush's new policies will improve the economy. The other 49% are traitors.

Guys, go sign the petition now to "Remove Di-Hydrogen Monoxide" from our nation's water supply!

aKula

Even more shocking is that in over 90% of deaths the individuals ate onions the night before!

Redlemon

OK, some of you aren't listening. Sure, we are in TFP Humor. But the original fact is entirely true. There are VOC emissions from bread baking. At a factory-level, these VOC emissions are significant enough to be a pollution problem. It doesn't have to smell bad to be bad. Cute things can kill too.

(Nice use of the Dread Tomato Addiction, though, BoR!)

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nonkem

HAHA! that is great

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Acetylene

83% are made up on the spot.

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SirLance

Don't forget that the di-hydrogen monoxide is combined with flour and yeast. Flour may be relatively harmless, but I don't think the FDA has tested it for carcinogens yet. There should be a study.

Yeast is a single celled life form. It is actually alive when it is used to make bread. It reproduces and grows, which is what causes the bread to rise.

This is terrible! Do we eat live cows when we want steak? No, I say! This must stop!

Boycott bread!

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jorgelito

*gasp!* Alright, that's it - I'm a Yeasts' Rights Activist. This inhumane torture of killing of those poor yeasts just trying to reproduce is appalling! Their little "silent screams" call out to us to demand we stop this injustice. Pro-life! Pro-yeast reproductive rights!