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Old 04-12-2004, 04:12 PM   #1 (permalink)
HLP
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Worst Joke Ever!

I want to hear everyone's worst joke they have ever told! It could be just downright vulger 'bad' or corny 'bad' or funny to you but not funny to anyone else 'bad'

Here's mine

Whats green and has wheels?



















...grass, I lied about the wheels.
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Old 04-12-2004, 04:31 PM   #2 (permalink)
Insane
 
Location: Flying over your house
A horse walked into a bar and the bar tender said why the long face?

okokok, A bear walked into a bar and asked for a......beer.
The bar tender said why the big pause--get it big paws!
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Old 04-12-2004, 04:49 PM   #3 (permalink)
She's Actual Size
 
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Location: Central Republic of Where-in-the-Hell
What do you call a fish with no eyes?
Fshhhh.

These two guys walk into a bar...the third one ducks.

Horrible, but two of my favorites
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Old 04-12-2004, 06:27 PM   #4 (permalink)
Crazy
 
Why'd the pigs cross the road?

Pigs aren't Jewish.

Har har har -.-.
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Old 04-12-2004, 06:34 PM   #5 (permalink)
In Your Dreams
 
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Location: City of Lights
Quote:
Originally posted by MadHatder
Why'd the pigs cross the road?

Pigs aren't Jewish.

Har har har -.-.
OK.. I don't get it.. unless it's one of those "totally random punchline" jokes.. then I get it.. I think hehe
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Old 04-12-2004, 08:56 PM   #6 (permalink)
Walking is Still Honest
 
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Location: Seattle, WA
What's worse than finding a maggot in your apple?


Getting raped.
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Old 04-12-2004, 10:34 PM   #7 (permalink)
Devils Cabana Boy
 
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Location: Central Coast CA
Quote:
Originally posted by FoolThemAll
What's worse than finding a maggot in your apple?


Getting raped.
i think that ones over the line, it is in the hands of the gods now (i mean mods)
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Old 04-12-2004, 11:52 PM   #8 (permalink)
Insane
 
Location: Sydney, Australia
Quote:
What's worse than finding a maggot in your apple?


Getting raped.
I laughed out loud. Maybe I am dememted though.

Here's mine:
Why did the girl fall off the swing?










Because she had no arms.
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Old 04-12-2004, 11:58 PM   #9 (permalink)
whoopity doo
 
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Location: Seattle
A pirate walks into a bar and the bartender notices that he has a steering wheel attached to his crotch. He looks at the pirate an says "hey whats the deal with the steering wheel?"

and the pirate says,

"Arrrrrr its driving me nuts"
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Old 04-13-2004, 12:08 AM   #10 (permalink)
Eh?
 
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Location: Somewhere over the rainbow
^ Best joke ever.

The no arms one was good to.
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Old 04-13-2004, 01:14 AM   #11 (permalink)
Without Wings
 
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Location: Australia
a guy with one thong (flipflops.. whatever) walks into a pub in alice springs.

bartender asks 'wow.. nice thong. where'd ya get that?'

the guy replies 'oh.. i found it'

cracks me up everytime.
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Old 04-13-2004, 07:41 AM   #12 (permalink)
Crazy
 
Location: Nova Scotia, Canada
What'd the farmer say when he lost his tractor?



"Where's my tractor?"

*Bad-dum cha*
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Old 04-13-2004, 10:00 AM   #13 (permalink)
Psycho
 
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Location: Central California
Two ducks are sitting in a pond
One duck says "quack!"
The other says "Thats Exactly what I was going to say!"
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Old 04-13-2004, 10:43 AM   #14 (permalink)
you can't see me
 
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Location: Illinois
A termite walks into a bar and says "Is the bar tender here?"
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That's right - I'm a guy in a suit eating a Blizzard. F U.
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Old 04-13-2004, 10:43 AM   #15 (permalink)
Femme Fatale
 
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Location: Elysium
what do you call a blind reindeer?


noeyedear
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I think my mask of sanity is about to slip.
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Old 04-13-2004, 11:03 AM   #16 (permalink)
Misanthropic
 
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Location: Ohio! yay!
What's long and boring and only mildly amusing...












This Thread!
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Old 04-13-2004, 12:19 PM   #17 (permalink)
Untitled
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^^^ Oooh, ouch.

Quote:
Originally posted by CinnamonGirl
What do you call a fish with no eyes?
Fshhhh.
that's one of my favourites...

I think any knock-knock jokes fit into this criteria....
 
Old 04-13-2004, 12:20 PM   #18 (permalink)
Junkie
 
Location: too far from Texas
what'd the Indian say when his dog fell off the cliff?









dog gone.
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Old 04-13-2004, 01:06 PM   #19 (permalink)
Crazy
 
Location: Ahh, the lovely South
Two biscuits are sitting in an oven. The first says, "Damn it's hot in here." The other exclaims, "Holy shit! A talking biscuit!"
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mmmm.... pudding
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Old 04-13-2004, 01:23 PM   #20 (permalink)
Insane
 
Memnoch's Avatar
 
Location: Land of milk and honey - Wisconsin
Knock, knock
Who's there?
Go fuck yourself.

^from "Catch Me if You Can"
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Old 04-13-2004, 01:37 PM   #21 (permalink)
Addict
 
Two guys walk into a bar,


the third one ducks.
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Old 04-13-2004, 08:46 PM   #22 (permalink)
Metal and Rock 4 Life
 
Destrox's Avatar
 
Location: Phoenix
Quote:
Originally posted by Bobaphat
A pirate walks into a bar and the bartender notices that he has a steering wheel attached to his crotch. He looks at the pirate an says "hey whats the deal with the steering wheel?"

and the pirate says,

"Arrrrrr its driving me nuts"
That is just awesome.

Quote:
Originally posted by FoolThemAll
What's worse than finding a maggot in your apple?


Getting raped.
I laughed, does that make me a bad person? I dont think so.
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Old 04-14-2004, 12:39 AM   #23 (permalink)
Banned
 
Location: York
Two Scottish ducks on a tandem one sats "quack"
The other said "I'm going as quack as I can"
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Old 04-14-2004, 02:32 AM   #24 (permalink)
zomgomgomgomgomgomg
 
telekinetic's Avatar
 
Location: Fauxenix, Azerona
Quote:
Originally posted by Destrox
I laughed, does that make me a bad person? I dont think so. [/B]
If so, I'll meet you in hell, cuz i did, too!


What did Geronimo say as he lept out of the plane?









Meeeeeeeeeeee!
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twisted no more
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Old 04-14-2004, 02:50 PM   #25 (permalink)
GM2
Insane
 
Did you hear about the magic tractor?





It drove down the road and turned into a field!
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Old 04-14-2004, 03:07 PM   #26 (permalink)
Insane
 
Location: Toronto
Quote:
Originally posted by FoolThemAll
What's worse than finding a maggot in your apple?


Getting raped.
HAHAHAHAHAHAHA
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wra
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Old 04-14-2004, 08:01 PM   #27 (permalink)
HLP
Crazy
 
What did the Papa Buffalo say to his boy before he went off to college?


BYE SON!
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Old 04-15-2004, 12:13 AM   #28 (permalink)
Junkie
 
Location: Florida
A frog walks into a bank and asks for a loan. The teller gives him a weird look and directs him to the loan officer, Patty Wack.

Patty is a bit perturbed by the fact that a talking frog is sitting across from her asking for a loan, but she decides that there's no reason they can't do it. She asks the frog for collateral, and he pulls a small pink elephant out of his pocket.

Because the situation is so bizarre, she tells the frog she needs to discuss the matter with the bank president. She takes the pink elephant to the president's office, explains the situation, and shows what he offered as collateral.

He responds, "It's a knick knack, Patty Wack, give the frog a loan."

Those stupid jokes always crack me up.
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Old 04-15-2004, 04:39 AM   #29 (permalink)
Metal and Rock 4 Life
 
Destrox's Avatar
 
Location: Phoenix
Quote:
Originally posted by irseg
A frog walks into a bank and asks for a loan. The teller gives him a weird look and directs him to the loan officer, Patty Wack.

Patty is a bit perturbed by the fact that a talking frog is sitting across from her asking for a loan, but she decides that there's no reason they can't do it. She asks the frog for collateral, and he pulls a small pink elephant out of his pocket.

Because the situation is so bizarre, she tells the frog she needs to discuss the matter with the bank president. She takes the pink elephant to the president's office, explains the situation, and shows what he offered as collateral.

He responds, "It's a knick knack, Patty Wack, give the frog a loan."

Those stupid jokes always crack me up.
That was so lame.. but i still cracked a smile..
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Old 04-15-2004, 06:29 AM   #30 (permalink)
Tilted
 
Why was the fireman buried behind the hill?















Because he was dead.
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Old 04-15-2004, 06:38 AM   #31 (permalink)
Insane
 
Location: Japan
How does an elephant get into a tree?







Stands on an acorn and waits.

/thank you, I'll be here all week. Be sure to tip your waiter!
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Old 04-15-2004, 09:08 AM   #32 (permalink)
Addict
 
A man walks into a bar and says "ouch!"
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Old 04-15-2004, 11:02 AM   #33 (permalink)
Addict
 
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Location: Kingston,Ontario
Why did the farmer get an award?




He was out standing in his field!
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Old 04-15-2004, 12:46 PM   #34 (permalink)
Sky Piercer
 
CSflim's Avatar
 
Location: Ireland
What do you call a cat with no tail?

A manx cat.


How many electricians does it take to change a lightbulb?

One.


Man: Doctor, I've broken my leg.

Doctor: I'm afraid it is a very bad break. You will never walk again.
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Old 04-15-2004, 01:20 PM   #35 (permalink)
is KING!
 
bparker805's Avatar
 
Location: On the path to Valhalla.
Quote:
Originally posted by Lloyd
Why was the fireman buried behind the hill?

Because he was dead.
Along those lines...

Why can't Helen Keller have kids?

Because she's dead.
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Old 04-15-2004, 03:19 PM   #36 (permalink)
Crazy
 
nosuchuserexist's Avatar
 
Location: Obliviousness
two guys are peeing from a bridge. One says "the water's cold", the other says "the water's deep".
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Old 04-15-2004, 03:26 PM   #37 (permalink)
Crazy
 
nosuchuserexist's Avatar
 
Location: Obliviousness
My grandma tells this one:

3 strings are standing outside a bar. The first one goes in and the bartender says "We don't serve strings in here. Get out!"

Second strings puts on a stupid disguise and goes in. The bartender looks at him and says, "You a string? You look like a string in a disguise. Get out! We don't serve strings in here!"

Third string ties a knot in himself and messes up the strands on one end. he walks into the bar and the bartender says "You a string?"

The third string says, "No sir, I'm a frayed knot."

It's dumb but there's something endearing about hearing your grandmother telling a joke like that.
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Old 04-15-2004, 03:26 PM   #38 (permalink)
Crazy
 
nosuchuserexist's Avatar
 
Location: Obliviousness
What do you call 2 guys with one arm each hanging over a window?

















Curt and Rod
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Old 04-15-2004, 04:26 PM   #39 (permalink)
Tone.
 
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Quote:
Originally posted by digby
Two biscuits are sitting in an oven. The first says, "Damn it's hot in here." The other exclaims, "Holy shit! A talking biscuit!"
OK, I laughed out loud at that one. I'll have to remember it.


Bad jokes? I got a billion of 'em!

What do you call cheese that isn't yours?

Nacho cheese



What did the 2 year old brown cow say to the 300 pound gorilla that had just milked it?

"Moo"


How do you shoot a blue elephant?

With a blue elephant gun.


How do you shoot a white elephant?

Hold it's nose until it turns blue, then shoot it with a blue elephant gun.



What do you call a man with no arms or legs in the pool?

Bob.



What do you call a woman with one leg shorter than the other?

Eilene

What if she's Asian?

Irene



How many surrealists does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

Fish.


What's the difference between a bull and an orchestra?

A bull has the horns up front and the ass in the rear.



What's the difference between boogers and brocolli?

Kids won't eat brocolli.



What's the first thing that went through the bug's mind when it hit the windshield?

It's butt.




What do you do if a blonde throws a grenade at you?

Pull the pin and throw it back.




Last one of the evening:

God called the Pope and said He was thinking about unifying the world under one single religion. The Pope said "That's a great idea God!"

God said, "Good. Then you won't mind that I'm calling you from Salt Lake City."
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Old 04-15-2004, 05:35 PM   #40 (permalink)
Minion of the scalÚd ones
 
Tophat665's Avatar
 
Location: Northeast Jesusland
Quote:
Originally posted by Nancy
what do you call a blind reindeer?


noeyedear
What do you call a dead reindeer with no eyes?
Still no eye deer.

What do you call a boomerang that doesn't work?
A Stick

Two cesium atoms are walking down the street. One says, "Damn! I just lost an electron!" Other says, "Are you sure?" First one says, "Yeah, I'm positive."

How many republican campaign managers does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
Three: One to screw in the lightbulb, and one to confuse the issue.

How many democratic campaign managers does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
Two, but they have to be very small.

How do you catch a unique rabbit?
U Nique up on him.

How do you catch a tame rabbit?
Tame way.
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