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Old 09-28-2004, 08:13 PM   #1 (permalink)
Crazy
 
Location: Houston, Texas
Texas' solution to the presidential elections

Please note that Texas is the only state with a legal right to secede from the Union (please refer to the Texas-American Annexation Treaty of 1848 ).

We Texans love y'all, but we'll have to take action if Kerry wins over President Bush. We'll miss you, too.

Texas has given all those complainers plenty of time to get used to the results. After seeing the whiners along the campaign route, the folks from Texas are considering taking matters into our their hands.

Here is our solution:

#1: Let John Kerry become President of the United States. (all 49 states.)

#2: George W. Bush becomes the President of the Republic of Texas.

So what does Texas have to do to survive as a Republic?

1. NASA is just south of Houston, Texas. (we will control the space industry..)

2. We refine over 85% of the gasoline in the United States.

3. Defense Industry. (we have over 65% of it) The term "Don't mess with Texas," will take on a whole new meaning.

4. Oil - we can supply all the oil that the Republic of Texas will need for the next 300 years. Yankee states? Sorry about that.

5. Natural Gas - Again we have all we need and it's too bad about those northern states. John Kerry will figure a way to keep them warm....

6. Computer Industry - we currently lead the nation in producing computer chips and communications: Small places like Texas Instruments, Dell Computer, EDS, Raytheon, National Semiconductor, Motorola, Intel, AMD, Atmel, Applied Materials, Ball Semiconductor, Dallas Semiconductor, Delphi, Nortel, Alcatel, Etc, Etc. The list goes on and on.

7. Health Centers - We have the largest research centers for Cancer research, the best burn centers and the top trauma units in the world and other large health planning centers.

8. We have enough colleges to keep us going: UT., Texas A&M, Texas Tech, Rice, SMU, University of Houston, Baylor, UNT, Texas Women's University, etc. Ivy grows better in the south anyway

9. We have a ready supply of workers. (just open the border when we need some more)

10. We have control of the paper industry, plastics, insurance, etc.

11. In case of a foreign invasion, we have the Texas National Guard and the Texas Air National Guard. We don't have an army but since everybody down here has at least six rifles and a pile of ammo, we can raise an army in 24 hours if we need it. If the situation really gets bad, we can always call Department of Public Safety and ask them to send over a couple Texas Rangers....even Chuck Norris if the situation is really bad.

12. We are totally self sufficient in beef, poultry, hogs and several types of grain, fruit and vegetables and lets not forget seafood from the gulf. And everybody down here knows how to cook them so that they taste good. Don't need any food.


This just names a few of the items that will keep the Republic of Texas in good shape. There isn't a thing out there that we need and don't have.


Now to the rest of the United States under President Kerry:

Since you won't have the refineries to get gas for your cars, only President Kerry will be able to drive around in his 9 mile per gallon SUV. The rest of the United States will have to walk or ride bikes.

You won't have any TV as the space center in Houston will cut off your communications. You won't have any natural gas to heat your homes but since Mr. Kerry has predicted global warming, you will not need the gas.

Signed, The People in Texas
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Old 09-28-2004, 08:18 PM   #2 (permalink)
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Do you even know why you hate John Kerry? If you put flip-flopper, I'll kill you.
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Old 09-28-2004, 09:09 PM   #3 (permalink)
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Location: Houston, Texas
Besides the fact he flip-flops?

I'm kidding, I'm kidding! This post is only to serve a comedic purpose, no more no less. Hence why I posted it in the Humor section. I just found it to be quite entertaining, and in some reguards, probabaly partially true. Oh well, all in good fun.
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Old 09-28-2004, 09:34 PM   #4 (permalink)
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Location: Ohio! yay!
That's just what we need, a whole nation of people who graduated from Texas A&M...
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Old 09-29-2004, 01:11 AM   #5 (permalink)
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lol very funny indeed!
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Old 09-29-2004, 04:36 AM   #6 (permalink)
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Well, if my memory serves me right, I don't believe that Bush won Texas in the last presidential elections, and he was one of the only presidents ever to not win his home state...I guess that kind of confused me
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Old 09-29-2004, 10:54 AM   #7 (permalink)
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Location: Houston, Texas
Quote:
Originally Posted by ragns
Well, if my memory serves me right, I don't believe that Bush won Texas in the last presidential elections, and he was one of the only presidents ever to not win his home state...I guess that kind of confused me
http://nationalatlas.gov/elections/elect14.gif

I'm pretty sure he won, and fairly easily.
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Old 09-29-2004, 02:01 PM   #8 (permalink)
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Location: Texas
Just a minor point... Not ALL Texans are Bush Babies.

Not that I particularly like Kerry... Hey I was all for General Clark. He was a real hoot!

And should Bush win the election, all that can be done for us Texans who do *not* vote for him is to move up north, start a morally depraved commune, raise ostrich, emu, and goats.

And we're taking the Johnson Space Center with us so we can talk Rush and Aerosmith into playing free concerts for us. Of course, Bush will likely see spy satellite photos of us partying on a Saturn IV booster, interpret it as a WMD, and bomb us all to Hell...



-tb2
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Old 09-29-2004, 02:55 PM   #9 (permalink)
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*fights the urge to whoop political @$$*

and I live in Canada. and Bush still makes me sick.

anyway, yeah. I suppose that was funny. in a "wow it would sure be funny if someone actually thought like this" kinda way.
 
Old 09-29-2004, 08:13 PM   #10 (permalink)
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Location: Lurking. Under the desk.
Good news about Texas - inbreeding will wipe them out in 3 more generations!
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Old 09-30-2004, 10:18 AM   #11 (permalink)
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Location: Japan
yay gar...
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Old 09-30-2004, 11:11 AM   #12 (permalink)
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Location: Lex Vegas
nice. I would still mess with Texas though...
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Old 09-30-2004, 12:54 PM   #13 (permalink)
Insane
 
Location: Texas
Quote:
Originally Posted by gar1976
Good news about Texas - inbreeding will wipe them out in 3 more generations!

Ummm.... you're confusing Texans with Kentuckians or Tennesseeans. Texans are known for rednecks not inbreeding.


Quote:
Well, if my memory serves me right, I don't believe that Bush won Texas in the last presidential elections, and he was one of the only presidents ever to not win his home state...I guess that kind of confused me
Your memory serves you wrong. Bush won Texas convincingly like Mikado pointed out. You're thinking of Gore losing Tennessee.

Now, carry on with the humor thread
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Old 10-02-2004, 06:58 PM   #14 (permalink)
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Yeah, but Kerry's US still has a bunch of things that Texas doesn't have:
1. Worldwide allies.
2. The pentagon, with a large grouping of nukes in the middle.
and last, but not least
3. Comedians who aren't always making shitty jokes about the south.
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