Smart A$$ Answers - Tilted Forum Project Discussion Community

gibb68 · 10-30-2004, 05:53 PM

Found this in my email sorry if it's a repost

Smart-a$$ Answer #1
A flight attendant was stationed at the departure gate to check tickets. As a man approached, she extended her hand for the ticket and he opened his trench coat and flashed her. Without missing a beat...she said, "Sir, I need to see your ticket, not your stub."

Smart-a$$ Answer #2
A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at the grocery store, but couldn't find one big enough for her family. She asked a stock boy, "Do these turkeys get any bigger?" The stock boy replied, "No ma'am, they're dead."

Smart-a$$ Answer #3
The cop got out of his car and the kid who was stopped for speeding rolled down his window. "I've been waiting for you all day," the cop said. The kid replied, "Yeah, well I got here as fast as I could." When the cop finally stopped laughing, he sent the kid on his way without a ticket.

Smart-a$$ Answer #4
A truck driver was driving along on the freeway. A sign comes up that reads, "Low bridge ahead'. Before he knows it, the bridge is right ahead of him and he gets stuck under the bridge. Cars are backed up for miles. Finally, a police car comes up. The cop gets out of his car and walks around to the truck driver, puts his hands on his hips and says, "Got stuck, huh?" The truck driver says, "No, I was delivering this bridge and ran out of gas."

and finally Smart-a$$ #5,
THE TEACHER Smart-ass Answer OF THE YEAR A college teacher reminds her class of tomorrow's final exam. "Now class, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow. I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury or illness, or a death in your immediate family but that's it, no other excuses whatsoever!" A smart-ass guy in the back of the room raised his hand and asks, "What would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?" The entire class does its best to stifle their laughter and snickering. When
silence is restored, the teacher smiles knowingly at the student, shakes her head, and sweetly says, Well, I guess you'd have to write the exam with your other hand.".

LeviticusMky · 10-30-2004, 11:11 PM

A couple of those remind me of Bill Engvall's "Here's your sign" jokes.

It's like before my wife and I moved. Our house was
full of boxes and there was a U-Haul truck in our
driveway. My friend comes over and says, "Hey, you
moving?" "Nope. We just pack our stuff up once or
twice a week to see how many boxes it takes.

A couple of months ago I went fishing with a buddy
of mine, we pulled his boat into the dock, I lifted up
this big 'ol stringer of bass and this idiot on the
dock goes, "Hey, y'all catch all them fish?" "Nope -
Talked 'em into giving up."

Etc. etc. etc.

He's one of the few southern-style comedians that I enjoy.

gibb68 · 10-31-2004, 04:54 AM

I didn't notice, but your right they do.

vulture · 10-31-2004, 04:59 AM

I thought those were from Jeff Foxworthy...

Am I mistaken?

gibb68 · 10-31-2004, 05:18 AM

Bill Engvall is one of them that perform with Jeff on the blue collar comedy tour and Bill does the "here's your sign" bit.

portieri · 11-01-2004, 08:29 AM

It think he's the same guy who said:

I was on the side of the road fixing a flat, whan a samaritan came up and said "tire go flat?", I said "no, the other three just spontaneuously filled with air, here's your sign"

Racer · 11-01-2004, 10:05 AM

Where ever they came from, they're great. I wish I could think like that in those situations.

sky_driver · 11-02-2004, 05:53 AM

They made me laugh. Let's just hope I can remember them if I ever get the opportunity to use one.

Gortexfogg · 11-02-2004, 06:26 AM

Funny stuff, thanks!

tfpfreak · 11-02-2004, 12:27 PM

Very funny thanks~!

Mavric98 · 11-03-2004, 01:41 AM

Good stuff. I like the one by Bill Engvall whichs goes:

I had a coat hanger and I was trying to unlock my car door. Some guy walks up and asks, "Lock your keys in your car?" I said, "Nope, just washed it and I'm hanging it up to dry."

Delvid · 11-03-2004, 10:49 AM

Those are great.

Paradise Lost · 11-03-2004, 01:25 PM

Boy, you people sure know how to mis-quote Bill Engvall!*cough Portieri*

Anyway, the fourth one is one that he used, worded slightly differently.

"Tire go flat?" 'Nope, I was driving around and the other three just swelled right up on me!'
And without missing a beat he said, "Well, the heat'll do that!"

Seer666 · 11-04-2004, 07:42 AM

The truck one was a "here's your sign" Still a great post though.

KinkyKiwi · 11-04-2004, 09:56 AM

hmm..heard them before somewhere..not sure where...still funny tho

thanks

10-30-2004, 05:53 PM	#1 (permalink)
gibb68 Upright Location: Illinois	Smart A$$ Answers Found this in my email sorry if it's a repost Smart-a$$ Answer #1 A flight attendant was stationed at the departure gate to check tickets. As a man approached, she extended her hand for the ticket and he opened his trench coat and flashed her. Without missing a beat...she said, "Sir, I need to see your ticket, not your stub." Smart-a$$ Answer #2 A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at the grocery store, but couldn't find one big enough for her family. She asked a stock boy, "Do these turkeys get any bigger?" The stock boy replied, "No ma'am, they're dead." Smart-a$$ Answer #3 The cop got out of his car and the kid who was stopped for speeding rolled down his window. "I've been waiting for you all day," the cop said. The kid replied, "Yeah, well I got here as fast as I could." When the cop finally stopped laughing, he sent the kid on his way without a ticket. Smart-a$$ Answer #4 A truck driver was driving along on the freeway. A sign comes up that reads, "Low bridge ahead'. Before he knows it, the bridge is right ahead of him and he gets stuck under the bridge. Cars are backed up for miles. Finally, a police car comes up. The cop gets out of his car and walks around to the truck driver, puts his hands on his hips and says, "Got stuck, huh?" The truck driver says, "No, I was delivering this bridge and ran out of gas." and finally Smart-a$$ #5, THE TEACHER Smart-ass Answer OF THE YEAR A college teacher reminds her class of tomorrow's final exam. "Now class, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow. I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury or illness, or a death in your immediate family but that's it, no other excuses whatsoever!" A smart-ass guy in the back of the room raised his hand and asks, "What would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?" The entire class does its best to stifle their laughter and snickering. When silence is restored, the teacher smiles knowingly at the student, shakes her head, and sweetly says, Well, I guess you'd have to write the exam with your other hand.".

11-03-2004, 01:41 AM	#11 (permalink)
Mavric98 Tilted Location: I am not living.	Good stuff. I like the one by Bill Engvall whichs goes: I had a coat hanger and I was trying to unlock my car door. Some guy walks up and asks, "Lock your keys in your car?" I said, "Nope, just washed it and I'm hanging it up to dry." __________________ "Hope is for people that don't stand a chance."

11-04-2004, 07:42 AM	#14 (permalink)
Seer666 Oh dear God he breeded Location: Arizona	The truck one was a "here's your sign" Still a great post though. __________________ Bad spellers of the world untie!!! I am the one you warned me of I seem to have misplaced the bullet with your name on it, but I have a whole box addressed to occupant.

11-04-2004, 09:56 AM	#15 (permalink)
KinkyKiwi "Without the fuzz" Location: ..too close for comfort..	hmm..heard them before somewhere..not sure where...still funny tho thanks __________________ Some mornings, it's just not worth chewing through the leather straps. Play with each other. Play with yourselves. Just don't play with the squirrels, they bite.

10-30-2004, 11:11 PM	#2 (permalink)
LeviticusMky Crazy Location: Minnesota	A couple of those remind me of Bill Engvall's "Here's your sign" jokes. It's like before my wife and I moved. Our house was full of boxes and there was a U-Haul truck in our driveway. My friend comes over and says, "Hey, you moving?" "Nope. We just pack our stuff up once or twice a week to see how many boxes it takes. A couple of months ago I went fishing with a buddy of mine, we pulled his boat into the dock, I lifted up this big 'ol stringer of bass and this idiot on the dock goes, "Hey, y'all catch all them fish?" "Nope - Talked 'em into giving up." Etc. etc. etc. He's one of the few southern-style comedians that I enjoy.

10-31-2004, 04:54 AM	#3 (permalink)
gibb68 Upright Location: Illinois	I didn't notice, but your right they do.

10-31-2004, 04:59 AM	#4 (permalink)
vulture Tilted Location: Switzerland	I thought those were from Jeff Foxworthy... Am I mistaken?

10-31-2004, 05:18 AM	#5 (permalink)
gibb68 Upright Location: Illinois	Bill Engvall is one of them that perform with Jeff on the blue collar comedy tour and Bill does the "here's your sign" bit.

11-01-2004, 08:29 AM	#6 (permalink)
portieri Tilted	It think he's the same guy who said: I was on the side of the road fixing a flat, whan a samaritan came up and said "tire go flat?", I said "no, the other three just spontaneuously filled with air, here's your sign"

11-01-2004, 10:05 AM	#7 (permalink)
Racer Upright Location: Pensacola	Where ever they came from, they're great. I wish I could think like that in those situations.

11-02-2004, 05:53 AM	#8 (permalink)
sky_driver Insane	They made me laugh. Let's just hope I can remember them if I ever get the opportunity to use one.

11-02-2004, 06:26 AM	#9 (permalink)
Gortexfogg I and I Location: Stillwater, OK	Funny stuff, thanks!

11-02-2004, 12:27 PM	#10 (permalink)
tfpfreak Crazy Location: MS	Very funny thanks~!

11-03-2004, 10:49 AM	#12 (permalink)
Delvid Insane Location: Missouri	Those are great.

11-03-2004, 01:25 PM	#13 (permalink)
Paradise Lost "Afternoon everybody." "NORM!" Location: Poland, Ohio // Clarion University of PA.	Boy, you people sure know how to mis-quote Bill Engvall!cough Portieri Anyway, the fourth one is one that he used, worded slightly differently. "Tire go flat?" 'Nope, I was driving around and the other three just swelled right up on me!' And without missing a beat he said, "Well, the heat'll do that!"