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Old 10-30-2004, 05:53 PM   #1 (permalink)
Upright
 
Location: Illinois
Smart A$$ Answers

Found this in my email sorry if it's a repost


Smart-a$$ Answer #1
A flight attendant was stationed at the departure gate to check tickets. As a man approached, she extended her hand for the ticket and he opened his trench coat and flashed her. Without missing a beat...she said, "Sir, I need to see your ticket, not your stub."

Smart-a$$ Answer #2
A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at the grocery store, but couldn't find one big enough for her family. She asked a stock boy, "Do these turkeys get any bigger?" The stock boy replied, "No ma'am, they're dead."

Smart-a$$ Answer #3
The cop got out of his car and the kid who was stopped for speeding rolled down his window. "I've been waiting for you all day," the cop said. The kid replied, "Yeah, well I got here as fast as I could." When the cop finally stopped laughing, he sent the kid on his way without a ticket.

Smart-a$$ Answer #4
A truck driver was driving along on the freeway. A sign comes up that reads, "Low bridge ahead'. Before he knows it, the bridge is right ahead of him and he gets stuck under the bridge. Cars are backed up for miles. Finally, a police car comes up. The cop gets out of his car and walks around to the truck driver, puts his hands on his hips and says, "Got stuck, huh?" The truck driver says, "No, I was delivering this bridge and ran out of gas."

and finally Smart-a$$ #5,
THE TEACHER Smart-ass Answer OF THE YEAR A college teacher reminds her class of tomorrow's final exam. "Now class, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow. I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury or illness, or a death in your immediate family but that's it, no other excuses whatsoever!" A smart-ass guy in the back of the room raised his hand and asks, "What would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?" The entire class does its best to stifle their laughter and snickering. When
silence is restored, the teacher smiles knowingly at the student, shakes her head, and sweetly says, Well, I guess you'd have to write the exam with your other hand.".
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Old 10-30-2004, 11:11 PM   #2 (permalink)
Crazy
 
Location: Minnesota
A couple of those remind me of Bill Engvall's "Here's your sign" jokes.

It's like before my wife and I moved. Our house was
full of boxes and there was a U-Haul truck in our
driveway. My friend comes over and says, "Hey, you
moving?" "Nope. We just pack our stuff up once or
twice a week to see how many boxes it takes.

A couple of months ago I went fishing with a buddy
of mine, we pulled his boat into the dock, I lifted up
this big 'ol stringer of bass and this idiot on the
dock goes, "Hey, y'all catch all them fish?" "Nope -
Talked 'em into giving up."

Etc. etc. etc.

He's one of the few southern-style comedians that I enjoy.
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Old 10-31-2004, 04:54 AM   #3 (permalink)
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Location: Illinois
I didn't notice, but your right they do.
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Old 10-31-2004, 04:59 AM   #4 (permalink)
Tilted
 
Location: Switzerland
I thought those were from Jeff Foxworthy...

Am I mistaken?
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Old 10-31-2004, 05:18 AM   #5 (permalink)
Upright
 
Location: Illinois
Bill Engvall is one of them that perform with Jeff on the blue collar comedy tour and Bill does the "here's your sign" bit.
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Old 11-01-2004, 08:29 AM   #6 (permalink)
Tilted
 
It think he's the same guy who said:

I was on the side of the road fixing a flat, whan a samaritan came up and said "tire go flat?", I said "no, the other three just spontaneuously filled with air, here's your sign"
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Old 11-01-2004, 10:05 AM   #7 (permalink)
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Location: Pensacola
Where ever they came from, they're great. I wish I could think like that in those situations.
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Old 11-02-2004, 05:53 AM   #8 (permalink)
Insane
 
They made me laugh. Let's just hope I can remember them if I ever get the opportunity to use one.
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Old 11-02-2004, 06:26 AM   #9 (permalink)
I and I
 
Location: Stillwater, OK
Funny stuff, thanks!
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Old 11-02-2004, 12:27 PM   #10 (permalink)
Crazy
 
Location: MS
Very funny thanks~!
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Old 11-03-2004, 01:41 AM   #11 (permalink)
Tilted
 
Location: I am not living.
Good stuff. I like the one by Bill Engvall whichs goes:

I had a coat hanger and I was trying to unlock my car door. Some guy walks up and asks, "Lock your keys in your car?" I said, "Nope, just washed it and I'm hanging it up to dry."
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Old 11-03-2004, 10:49 AM   #12 (permalink)
Insane
 
Location: Missouri
Those are great.
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Old 11-03-2004, 01:25 PM   #13 (permalink)
"Afternoon everybody." "NORM!"
 
Paradise Lost's Avatar
 
Location: Poland, Ohio // Clarion University of PA.
Boy, you people sure know how to mis-quote Bill Engvall!*cough Portieri* Anyway, the fourth one is one that he used, worded slightly differently.

"Tire go flat?" 'Nope, I was driving around and the other three just swelled right up on me!'
And without missing a beat he said, "Well, the heat'll do that!"
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Old 11-04-2004, 07:42 AM   #14 (permalink)
Oh dear God he breeded
 
Seer666's Avatar
 
Location: Arizona
The truck one was a "here's your sign" Still a great post though.
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Old 11-04-2004, 09:56 AM   #15 (permalink)
"Without the fuzz"
 
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Location: ..too close for comfort..
hmm..heard them before somewhere..not sure where...still funny tho thanks
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