LoganSnake

These sentences actually appeared in church bulletins or were announced in church services:


Bertha Belch, a missionary from Africa, will be speaking tonight at Calvary Methodist. Come hear Bertha Belch all the way from Africa.

The Fasting & Prayer Conference includes meals."

The sermon this morning: "Jesus Walks on the Water." The sermon tonight: "Searching for Jesus."

Our youth basketball team is back in action Wednesday at 8 PM in the recreation hall. Come out and watch us kill Christ the King.

Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance to get rid of
those things not worth keeping around the house. Don't forget your husbands.

The peacemaking meeting scheduled for today has been canceled due to a conflict.

Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our community. Smile at someone who is hard to love. Say "Hell" to someone who doesn't care much about you.

Don't let worry kill you off - let the Church help.

Miss Charlene Mason sang "I will not pass this way again," giving obvious pleasure to the congregation.

For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.

Next Thursday there will be tryouts for the choir. They need all the help they can get.

Barbara remains in the hospital and needs blood donors for more transfusions. She is also having trouble sleeping and requests tapes of Pastor Jack's sermons.

The Rector will preach his farewell message after which the choir will sing: "Break Forth Into Joy."

Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the church. So ends a friendship that began in their school days.

A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music will follow.

At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be "What Is
Hell?" Come early and listen to our choir practice.

Eight new choir robes are currently needed due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.

Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles and other items to be
recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.

Please place your donation in the envelope a long with the deceased person you want remembered.

Attend and you will hear an excellent speaker and heave a healthy lunch.

The church will host an evening of fine dining, super entertainment and gracious hostility.

Potluck supper Sunday at 5:00 PM - prayer and medication to follow.

The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every kind. They may be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon.

This evening at 7 PM there will be a hymn singing in the park across from the Church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin.

Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10 AM. All ladies are invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B. S. is done.

The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday.

Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM. Please use the back door.

The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the Church basement Friday at 7 PM. The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.

Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian Church. Please use large double door at the side entrance.

The Associate Minister unveiled the church's new tithing campaign slogan last Sunday: "I Upped My Pledge - Up Yours."

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Maturity is knowing you were an idiot in the past. Wisdom is knowing that you'll be an idiot in the future. Common sense is knowing that you should try not to be an idiot now. - J. Jacques

tspikes51

My journalism teacher in high school gave these out as a reminder of why we proofread. I lost 'em, and I'm glad to see them again.

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"I'm telling you, we need to get rid of a few people or a million."
-Maddox

snowy

I laughed so hard the neighbor turned on his crappy music to drown me out.

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If I am not better, at least I am different. --Jean-Jacques Rousseau

Gary_the_Rat

My favorite: Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles and other items to be
recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.

Man there's some really good stuff in there.
Long live funny stuff, especially in "serious" settings.

kinsaj

that is just... excellent

thanks

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boom

Daoust

My favourite of the bunch.

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I have faith in a few things - divinity and grace
But even when I'm on my knees I know the devil preys

God of Thunder

I laughed so hard I snorted

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I reject your reality, and substitute my own

-- Adam Savage

Zeraph

Those are always good for a laugh.

Redlemon

Although completely clean and innocent, this is clearly NSFW, because you should never make those snorting noises while sitting at your desk. I've heard all of these before, and it doesn't matter; just like "Who's On First", some humor is perfect.

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I can't read your signature. Sorry.

SirLance

That kills me. This too:

Damn, I nearly wet my pants...

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DEMOCRACY is where your vote counts, FEUDALISM is where your count votes.

CSflim

These are great. A lot of them are almost certainly the result on too-heavy a reliance on spell check!

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Redlemon

And don't forget the ever-classic misplaced modifier.

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I can't read your signature. Sorry.

Coppertop

loganmule

Lots of funny stuff here...unintended humor is a hoot