Tilted Forum Project Discussion Community  

Go Back   Tilted Forum Project Discussion Community > The Academy > Tilted Life

LinkBack Thread Tools
Old 05-31-2006, 09:55 AM   #1 (permalink)
cellophanedeity's Avatar
Location: A warm room
Time to tell the truth... but how?

If you were to tell your parents that have been entirely supportive (both financially and emotionally) that you've failed most of your courses, don't intend on returning to school next year and have been lying to them about both school and depression, how would you do it?

I'm such an idiot sometimes...
cellophanedeity is offline  
Old 05-31-2006, 10:18 AM   #2 (permalink)
Moderator Emeritus
Location: Chicago
you aren't an idiot... and you're parents will love you no matter what...

ok, so you've lied til now... but you are facing the music... just be honest... you've had some obstacles and didn't do as well as you had hoped... hopefully you've learned something about yourself (like maybe academia or in particular what you were studying isn't for you at this point in your life.)

I'd have some sort of plan for the next year or so of your life.. .i'm sure mom and dad won't be happy with you sitting on your butt... do you have a job lined up? even volunteer work to give you something to do...

the older person in me (and sadly, i'm probably older than your parents) is going to remind you that education is important, don't close the door on it -- maybe for now you need to find yourself a little but consider going back even part time at some point. it will make your adult life a little easier.

you're a very mature intelligent young woman, Cello, you're gonna be fine...
Free your heart from hatred. Free your mind from worries. Live simply. Give more. Expect less.
maleficent is offline  
Old 05-31-2006, 10:19 AM   #3 (permalink)
Evil Priest: The Devil Made Me Do It!
Daniel_'s Avatar
Location: Southern England
I know that when i had to tell my folks about failing my courses (I re-took, but thats not the point) I wrote them a paper letter and sent it to them knowing I wasn't going to see them for a week (I was at college away from home).

When I suffered from depression (marriage broke up and hit me very hard) I sat down with them and tried to tell them everything - but it was bloody hard.

In the end, their support was there, and they were not angry - but were disapointed about the college stuff.

Hope it works out.

Good luck.
Overhead, the Albatross hangs motionless upon the air,
And deep beneath the rolling waves,
In labyrinths of Coral Caves,
The Echo of a distant time
Comes willowing across the sand;
And everthing is Green and Submarine

Daniel_ is offline  
Old 05-31-2006, 11:11 AM   #4 (permalink)
A Storm Is Coming
thingstodo's Avatar
Location: The Great White North
Bite the bullet and tell them. It's always much worse thinking about it than actually doing it. Things will work out, especially if you're honest now!
If you're wringing your hands you can't roll up your shirt sleeves.

Stangers have the best candy.
thingstodo is offline  
Old 05-31-2006, 11:28 AM   #5 (permalink)
is a tiger
Siege's Avatar
Location: Toronto, Ontario, Canada
Tell them the truth. The truth isn't always pleasant. You said that your parents were both financially and emotionally supportive. Chances are, they will remain this way when you tell them. But the longer you draw out a lie, the less likely it is that they will stay this way.

As Mal said, try to tell them that you DO have a plan for yourself. If my kid went up to me and said "hey dad! i failed all my courses, and i don't know WHAT the fuck to do at all, so I think i'll bum around at home," that wouldn't work out too well for him/her. But if you sit down with your parents, tell them that school isn't your thing, and list out things you can/want to do, i'm sure they'll understand.

As for depression, again, TELL them. Things won't get better if you don't get it treated. If you don't go back to UTSG next year, you won't be able to get the free therapy available there, but it's better to pay and feel better than to suffer and be rich.
"Your name's Geek? Do you know the origin of the term? A geek is someone who bites the heads off chickens at a circus. I would never let you suck my dick with a name like Geek"

--Kevin Smith

This part just makes my posts easier to find
Siege is offline  
Old 05-31-2006, 11:35 AM   #6 (permalink)
BigBen's Avatar
Location: Use the search button
Hey, this stuff happens all the time. Your parents will be disappointed, it is true, but once they get past that, you will see the true definition of unconditional love.

Your parents want you to be happy. That is the most important thing in the world...

Are your folks the "Action" type of people? If yes, then I suggest you have a game plan prepared. The question "What now?" is probably on their mind, and having an answer might relieve some tension.
Hey, if you are impressed with my memorizing pi to 10 digits, you should see the size of my penis.
BigBen is offline  
Old 05-31-2006, 11:58 AM   #7 (permalink)
Too Awesome for Aardvarks
stevie667's Avatar
Location: Angloland
Been there, done that. Your not an idiot by any strech of the imagination, shit happens, usually to good people. Write a letter, or tell them, then organise a weekend away if you want, clear your head and have a good time.

Once it is done, the huge weight is off your chest, and it is much easier to go about figuring what you want to do.
Office hours have changed. Please call during office hours for more information.
stevie667 is offline  
Old 05-31-2006, 12:10 PM   #8 (permalink)
will always be an Alyson Hanniganite
Bill O'Rights's Avatar
Location: In the dust of the archives
Speaking as a parent...on the other side of your situation...tell them. The sooner the better. The procrastination isn't going to soften the blow. Yes, there is going to be the disappointment. Yes, there will be the third degree. But, in the end, with a little effort from all concerned parties...it'll work out. Trust me. This is coming from the parent of a college freshman that pulled in a whopping .62 GPA. You ain't alone, Miss Deity.
"I distrust those people who know so well what God wants them to do because I notice it always coincides with their own desires." - Susan B. Anthony

"Hedonism with rules isn't hedonism at all, it's the Republican party." - JumpinJesus

It is indisputable that true beauty lies within...but a nice rack sure doesn't hurt.
Bill O'Rights is offline  
Old 05-31-2006, 12:23 PM   #9 (permalink)
Registered User
frogza's Avatar
Location: Right Here
Like everyone else said, tell them. I find that in cases like this, the pre-coming clean anxiety is far worse than the actual reaction.
frogza is offline  
Old 05-31-2006, 01:01 PM   #10 (permalink)
JustJess's Avatar
Location: Kittyville
The question is not whether to tell them... but HOW to tell them.

Simply. Try not to build it up with a lot of "okay, you're going to be upset and I'm really sorry but" types of things. Be honest about the reasons/sources of problems. If it's just you, just admit it. It's actually easier, trust me. It's easier for the people we care about to be supportive if we're being responsible about our own screwups. So to say "Look, I had an awful semester. I really messed things up. To make it worse, I lied to you about it. My reasons were (I thought I could fix it, I didn't want to disappoint you, etc.), but that's no excuse for lying to you, and I'm deeply sorry. I won't do that again. I may fail at something again, but I will never lie about it."

That's the part that will be the most upsetting to them - not that you failed (we all fuck up, or fall when we've tried, that's okay), but that you lied about your life. And a pretty big piece of your life. That's the part to make sure they know you're sorry about and regret. You don't have to be perfect, you just have to respect the people around you - and lying to them, as you already know, isn't being respectful or loving.

So when you talk to them, concentrate on that part - that's the part that sucks more. Frankly, it sucks that your grades are bad now, but you can fix that. Yes, you can. You're smart and sharp, and will do it if you want to. It won't be easy, probably, but you can do it.

I also think having a game plan isn't a bad idea - but neither is asking them what they think you should do.

Good luck, cello. :*
My heart knows me better than I know myself, so I'm gonna let it do all the talkin'.
JustJess is offline  
Old 05-31-2006, 01:08 PM   #11 (permalink)
Kick Ass Kunoichi
snowy's Avatar
Location: Oregon
As everyone here has already said...be honest. I've been in your shoes and I know how hard it is, but to be fair to them honesty is the best policy. My parents were much MORE supportive of me after they found out I'd been wrestling with depression all year and needed their help to get through it and mend what I'd done.

Trust me...some have even worse reasons than you or I for doing poorly in school. This is something people will be willing to help you through, if you reach out, are honest, and accept what is given you.
If I am not better, at least I am different. --Jean-Jacques Rousseau
snowy is offline  
Old 05-31-2006, 01:52 PM   #12 (permalink)
Leaning against the -Sun-
little_tippler's Avatar
Super Moderator
Location: on the other side
Hmmm....that sucks really.

Well, how is easy. You just tell them, in the most honest and appreciative way you can. Appreciative in the sense that you have to let them know that you realize how big a disappointment it may be to them and all the effort they have put into helping you out.

Sadly there is no easy way and I expect this will weigh on your conscience for a while. But at the end of the day it's your life and it's not fair to yourself or to your parents to go on lying. Just make sure you have the right reasons for quitting like this. If in fact leaving school and doing something else is the right thing for you, trust me when you look back it will have been worth it.

I hope you win the battle with depression soon. You're a lovely girl and so many people here on TFP love you. I don't know how you feel but I think that for many of us the TFP is a great support and I only wish that through us (as well as out there in the "real" world) you can find the strength to choose your path in life.
Whether we write or speak or do but look
We are ever unapparent. What we are
Cannot be transfused into word or book.
Our soul from us is infinitely far.
However much we give our thoughts the will
To be our soul and gesture it abroad,
Our hearts are incommunicable still.
In what we show ourselves we are ignored.
The abyss from soul to soul cannot be bridged
By any skill of thought or trick of seeming.
Unto our very selves we are abridged
When we would utter to our thought our being.
We are our dreams of ourselves, souls by gleams,
And each to each other dreams of others' dreams.

Fernando Pessoa, 1918
little_tippler is offline  
Old 05-31-2006, 04:36 PM   #13 (permalink)
Location: norcal
Another, been there-done that here. when i got the lovely letter from the grade police saying "take time off school because you failed your classes" i picked up the phone, called home and opened the floodgates. My parents were much more supportive than i had imagined they would be. Make some sort of a plan with them so you dont end up being a bum on the livingroom couch, but I found that the change of pace made a world of difference and I was much happier as a result of it.
Good luck, and feel free to PM if you have any questions.
so much to do, so little time.....at least i aint bored.
BigTruck1956 is offline  
Old 05-31-2006, 05:49 PM   #14 (permalink)
SirLance's Avatar
Location: In the middle of the desert.
The truth will come out, the only question is if it will come from you. Your parents would rather hear it from the horse's mouth. Sure, they'll be pissed, but that will pass and you'll be suprised at how loving and supportive they will be.

Hitch up yer belt, and get in there...
DEMOCRACY is where your vote counts, FEUDALISM is where your count votes.
SirLance is offline  
Old 05-31-2006, 07:47 PM   #15 (permalink)
cellophanedeity's Avatar
Location: A warm room
So I did it. I told mum that I failed on the way home from work, and we talked about it with dad after dinner.

I cried a bit, and so did mum, and she's furious because of my lying and my lack of effort, but otherwise both of my parents were very supportive and really want to help. Mum even said that she forgives me for lying.

I'm going to see my doctor soon about my mental state, and if I need counselling I can apparently get it at no charge through mum's work.

Now they just want me to think about what I intend on doing with myself, so I guess I just have to figure that out. I signed up for an openhouse at a school that I'm interested in (despite the crazy price) and I think everything will turn out okay.

Thank you all for the advice. Really, being honest for once seemed to be the key. I'll try to keep it up.

Thanks a lot, I knew I could always turn to you guys.
cellophanedeity is offline  
Old 05-31-2006, 09:46 PM   #16 (permalink)
SirLance's Avatar
Location: In the middle of the desert.
The first person you have to be honest with is yourself. Sometimes, when we look in the mirror, we don't like all that we see. Well, we learn to speak by speaking, we learn to walk by walking, we learn to love by loving. There is no other way. Love your self enough to winnow away the things that diminish you, and cherish the things that make you special. Do not try to live up to what you think someone else would want of you, but rather live up to what YOU want of you.

You can do it!
DEMOCRACY is where your vote counts, FEUDALISM is where your count votes.
SirLance is offline  
Old 06-01-2006, 05:23 AM   #17 (permalink)
Redlemon's Avatar
Location: New England
Originally Posted by cellophanedeity
...and if I need counselling I can apparently get it at no charge through mum's work.
There's the key, everyone. Other people will have solutions that you won't think of or know about. It's not bad or weak to have to lean on others for support.

(I need to remind myself of this as well.)
I can't read your signature. Sorry.
Redlemon is offline  
Old 06-01-2006, 05:28 AM   #18 (permalink)
Moderator Emeritus
Location: Chicago
Originally Posted by cellophanedeity
I cried a bit, and so did mum, and she's furious because of my lying and my lack of effort, but otherwise both of my parents were very supportive and really want to help. Mum even said that she forgives me for lying.
She's your mum... of course she does...
Originally Posted by cellophanedeity
I'm going to see my doctor soon about my mental state, and if I need counselling I can apparently get it at no charge through mum's work.
Atta girl

Originally Posted by cellophanedeity
Now they just want me to think about what I intend on doing with myself, so I guess I just have to figure that out. I signed up for an openhouse at a school that I'm interested in (despite the crazy price) and I think everything will turn out okay.
Good for you... at your age the sky is the limit as to what you can do with yourself.. you've got so many options... listen to your heart and you'll figure it out... (check your local library as well for some career type books, they usually have quizzes and such in them to see where your interests lie...

another suggestion I might make, if you can't find a job, is to volunteer - it looks good on a resume and while it m ight not be a paid position, it's still a job that you can learn marketable skills from .. i think you were doing this during school anyhow... at the sex ed center.. maybe it's something you could continue becuase you seemed to enjoy educating (either that or i haven't been paying enough attention(

Keep your head up... you are OK...
Free your heart from hatred. Free your mind from worries. Live simply. Give more. Expect less.

Last edited by maleficent; 06-01-2006 at 05:32 AM..
maleficent is offline  
Old 06-01-2006, 05:48 AM   #19 (permalink)
Getting it.
Charlatan's Avatar
Super Moderator
Location: Lion City
I will second Mal on this. You will be OK and most importantly, you are young. What seems like a big deal right now is nothing but a blip. You will get it together before you know it.

The good news is that you have taken the first step. Coming clean with your folks and more importantly, yourself is key. Now you don't have a sword of damocles hanging over your head.

Take your time, get plenty of advice and help and start your journey anew with your head held high.

For the record, I blew my first year of University (really blew it). I dropped out after a month in second year. When I returned to school the following September, I had my shit together and never looked back. You can recover from this.
"My hands are on fire. Hands are on fire. Ain't got no more time for all you charlatans and liars."
- Old Man Luedecke
Charlatan is offline  
Old 06-24-2006, 12:31 PM   #20 (permalink)
james t kirk's Avatar
Location: Toronto
Sort of related story.

I had a friend in High School, well, since grade 7 actually.

Smart guy, gifted in some ways even.

He didn't go to grade 13 with the rest of us due to a lot of anxiety and other issues on his part. He finally finishes grade 13 and gets accepted to McMaster, only he is scared shitless of going for some reason (He never coped well with change, etc.)

Anyway, his parents pay for his tuition, but he drops out very early in. Just not in the right frame of mind.

For an entire year, he PRETENDED to go to university. He actually would go downtown and hang out, or to the library and read, etc. He felt by doing so that he was at least getting some form of education.

Finally he told his parents the truth. and they were not impressed, but he had received most of the tuition money back.

Anyway, he ended up getting a master's degree in English and went on to become a teacher. Though he still marches to the beat of his own drum for sure.
james t kirk is offline  

time, truth

Thread Tools

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are On

All times are GMT -8. The time now is 12:41 AM.

Tilted Forum Project

Powered by vBulletin® Version 3.8.7
Copyright ©2000 - 2023, vBulletin Solutions, Inc.
Search Engine Optimization by vBSEO 3.6.0 PL2
© 2002-2012 Tilted Forum Project

1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26 27 28 29 30 31 32 33 34 35 36 37 38 39 40 41 42 43 44 45 46 47 48 49 50 51 52 53 54 55 56 57 58 59 60 61 62 63 64 65 66 67 68 69 70 71 72 73 74 75 76 77 78 79 80 81 82 83 84 85 86 87 88 89 90 91 92 93 94 95 96 97 98 99 100 101 102 103 104 105 106 107 108 109 110 111 112 113 114 115 116 117 118 119 120 121 122 123 124 125 126 127 128 129 130 131 132 133 134 135 136 137 138 139 140 141 142 143 144 145 146 147 148 149 150 151 152 153 154 155 156 157 158 159 160 161 162 163 164 165 166 167 168 169 170 171 172 173 174 175 176 177 178 179 180 181 182 183 184 185 186 187 188 189 190 191 192 193 194 195 196 197 198 199 200 201 202 203 204 205 206 207 208 209 210 211 212 213 214 215 216 217 218 219 220 221 222 223 224 225 226 227 228 229 230 231 232 233 234 235 236 237 238 239 240 241 242 243 244 245 246 247 248 249 250 251 252 253 254 255 256 257 258 259 260 261 262 263 264 265 266 267 268 269 270 271 272 273 274 275 276 277 278 279 280 281 282 283 284 285 286 287 288 289 290 291 292 293 294 295 296 297 298 299 300 301 302 303 304 305 306 307 308 309 310 311 312 313 314 315 316 317 318 319 320 321 322 323 324 325 326 327 328 329 330 331 332 333 334 335 336 337 338 339 340 341 342 343 344 345 346 347 348 349 350 351 352 353 354 355 356 357 358 359 360