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Old 04-22-2008, 07:03 PM   #1 (permalink)
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Location: Fort Worth, TX
Making an Ass of Yourself

I'm not too sure of the point of this thread. I guess I'd like to see if anyone has any truly ass-holish moments in their lives which screwed up a good thing. I'm not really talking about a "I got drunk and cheated" type of thing, but something you do sober which is completely not you... and it ruins something good.

Basically a couple of weeks ago I meet this girl. She's smart, funny, friendly, and stunningly beautiful. I just moved to Chicago and really didn't know anyone.. and she introduced me to her friends after a date and we all got along really well. It went so well, actually, we ended up staying the night together.

Well, the next morning we were having a conversation about Ben Stiller. I mentioned how my two favorite performances were Zoolander and Heavyweights. I told her that his other roles were, "stereotypical Jewish self-doubting male". What I meant was the long line of Jewish Comedians, Billy Crystal, Jason Alexander, etc. that it had it's time and place... but have been overplayed as the easy comedy. I found Ben Stiller's performance in Something About Polly, Meet the Parents, etc to be too typecast to really appreciate.

Well she's Jewish, I knew she was Jewish since the first date... I honestly never thought twice about it. It did, however, offend her to the point of her not wanting to see me again. She feels that it's basically unforgivable. She's so nice, that when she told me that she tried to not make me feel bad.

My head is spinning because all of a sudden, I'm "that guy" and forever will be to her. This is the first girl in a long time that I've really really liked and my tasteless joke forever ruined it.
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Old 04-22-2008, 07:24 PM   #2 (permalink)
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OH MY G*D. That sucks.

I think your only way out is to reach out to Ben Stiller. Seriously. I'm sure a little google work and you could locate his agent. Write him a sincere email where you explain the situation and ask for help. Celebrities love doing self-congratulatory stuff like that. Barak Obama called some low level reporter to apologize for "messing up his game".

BTW, high five for being a goi-toy. I've been there.

As for me? I've had a few asshole/idiot moments.
- Back in high school, I hated boy-bands. I really did. More than that, I hated how it would turn intelligent women that I was interested in into bumbling morons. It was probably a combination of music elitism and jealousy. Neeways, I was seeing this girl and she wanted to go see LFO, who were big at the time. I kinda went off on her. I didn't yell, but I used the word "disappointing" in a massively condescending way. Looking back, I deserved to be dumped and a whole lot more, but she simply went without me and tried to sleep with one of them.
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Old 04-22-2008, 07:25 PM   #3 (permalink)
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I don't personally see the problem with your comment Seaver...if anything it seems like an opportunity for discussion...I know that you could explain your perspective if she gave you the chance to...I seriously doubt that you are an anti-Semite. If she can't handle a perspective that's outside the Jewish community, you're probably better off. However, is she open to discussion? The concept of stereotypical type-cast roles shouldn't be something that ends a friendship, or the potential for one. If someone said something about a stereotypical Southern role (for instance, all the shit about Deliverance) I wouldn't take it personally...surely, she has to be aware of stereotypes and how they are portrayed by the media...

Do you think it's because you're from Texas (time to change your profile location, by the way) and she expects you to be a racist? I think you might run into that from time to time...people from the South can be typecast pretty easily when we're in other locations...people expect it. I doubt she would react that way if one of her girlfriends made the same comment...but she was from Chicago...not Austin.
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Old 04-22-2008, 07:34 PM   #4 (permalink)
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Well, as I said this was only the second date.. when you're just getting to know someone. She has the right to be offended.. I never explained the full comment to her, she only got the "stereotypical Jewish self-doubting guy" part of it. I moved on in the conversation because I didn't think twice... I simply assumed she understood my intention.

She had mentioned the previous date she lost a lot of family in the holocaust. Obviously she takes her religion and offenses to it seriously, and I understand how I probably hold the taint forever. What almost makes it worse is she repeatedly said she knows it wasn't my intention... but it still can't see me anymore.

I don't know.. as I said she was the first girl in a long time I really liked.
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Old 04-22-2008, 07:37 PM   #5 (permalink)
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Well...there's not much you can really do. You can contact her and try to explain...but it sounds like she's got her own issues...and you'll just become a stalker. That sucks. There will be another.
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Old 04-22-2008, 07:37 PM   #6 (permalink)
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Dude, call on the Stiller. He might just help and it'd probably impress the shit out of her.
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Old 04-22-2008, 08:57 PM   #7 (permalink)
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Well you support UT..that in itself makes you an ass

WRECK EM!
sorry you were just asking for it :-p
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Old 04-22-2008, 11:42 PM   #8 (permalink)
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Seaver
She has the right to be offended.. I never explained the full comment to her, she only got the "stereotypical Jewish self-doubting guy" part of it. I moved on in the conversation because I didn't think twice... I simply assumed she understood my intention.

She had mentioned the previous date she lost a lot of family in the holocaust. Obviously she takes her religion and offenses to it seriously, and I understand how I probably hold the taint forever. What almost makes it worse is she repeatedly said she knows it wasn't my intention... but it still can't see me anymore.
Dude, that sucks. I really feel for you. I gotta tell you, as a relatively hardcore Jew myself (training to be a rabbi) I don't find that comment very offensive-- much less unforgivable-- and if I'd heard you explain it, I wouldn't find it at all offensive. It's really pretty much the truth, even if it wasn't necessarily delivered in the ideal phrasing.

Most of us Ashkenazi Jews have lost some family in the Holocaust, and it's good that we can take our religion/culture seriously. But there's also such a thing as being hypersensitive.

If I had to guess, I would suppose that she has had unpleasant encounters with anti-Semitism in the past, and those experiences have hypersensitized her to comments.

But I wouldn't start worrying that you're an anti-Semite or anything. It doesn't sound like you are at all.
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Old 04-22-2008, 11:46 PM   #9 (permalink)
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I have a feeling that her religion is a stronger force than her interest in you. Better to let it go now than go further down the road and have it rear it's head later. For example, my brother-in-law was dating a woman and they were discussing marriage. She would only marry him if he would convert to Judaism. He wouldn't. They broke up.

As for doing stupid things... I've done a ton of them but nothing I am willing to cop to right now... too odious to relive.
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Old 04-23-2008, 08:35 AM   #10 (permalink)
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I call my friend J "Jude", Jew Boy", and other various disrespectful, but affectionate terms. He likes it, knowing that I am benign and part Jew myself (however raised Catholic!) On the other hand I was talking to my friend Rochelle (another Jew, we're all over!) and mentioned Jew Boy and she was offended. She understood there was no poor intention nor ill will because she knows me, but was concerned that others would hear and get their own funky ideas.

I like willravel's suggestions about contacting the other Jew dude, Bensch the mensch.
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Old 04-23-2008, 08:42 AM   #11 (permalink)
 
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What other people said...

And also, personally if someone is going to be that upset over a comment like that (and not give you the grace to explain it and get yourself out of the hole), then they pretty much aren't worth your time, anyway. You want to be with someone who isn't easily offended by your personality, even if that includes the occasional tasteless joke, you know?

So if you ask me, she was doing you a favor... good thing you weren't like 2 years into the relationship when she did something like that.
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Old 04-23-2008, 09:04 AM   #12 (permalink)
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Quote:
Originally Posted by abaya
So if you ask me, she was doing you a favor... good thing you weren't like 2 years into the relationship when she did something like that.
I'll admit this was my immediate response, too, but if this is her only odd personality trait, then Seaver might be willing to overlook it. Clearly from the tone of regret and the way he describes her—"smart, funny, friendly, and stunningly beautiful"—there might have been something there. Seaver, if you think she is worth pursuing, don't give up.

And happy birthday.
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Old 04-23-2008, 09:09 AM   #13 (permalink)
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Well yall are making me feel much better. Today I pretty much feel that she has a right to be offended because the joke was not fully explained... but there is nothing really wrong with what I said.

Oh well, there are plenty of women in Chicago
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Old 04-23-2008, 12:52 PM   #14 (permalink)
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I basically thought the same as abaya and Charlatan. It still is a damn lousy situation.

I don't think I will share my asshole moment... maybe let the pot stew with some other acts... //cringes//
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Old 04-23-2008, 12:57 PM   #15 (permalink)
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I've invited people who hate eachother to the same event knowing that they wouldn't go if they knew the other would show up. I think it's pretty safe to say they redirected some of that hatred to me afterwards.
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Old 04-23-2008, 01:49 PM   #16 (permalink)
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Seaver
Well yall are making me feel much better. Today I pretty much feel that she has a right to be offended because the joke was not fully explained... but there is nothing really wrong with what I said.

Oh well, there are plenty of women in Chicago
You found the one Jewish girl in Chicago that takes being a Jew overly serious, what are the odds?

Yea I'm with others on this one though, and odds are she was a drama bomb waiting to happen, luckily you set it off prior to it penetrating your shields and causing a lot of red shirts to die.
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Old 04-23-2008, 01:52 PM   #17 (permalink)
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Old 04-24-2008, 06:22 PM   #18 (permalink)
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abaya pretty much nailed it. as for myself: announcing to my german teacher that i´d heard his daughter was having problems at school (she was at the female equivalent of our school. slighly odd setup) over a crowded room. basically the mouth was engaged but the brain still in neutral.
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Old 04-24-2008, 10:22 PM   #19 (permalink)
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"So your sister tells me you used to have huge boobs."

Those were the words I spoke to the sister of my first girlfriend, while she was sitting there. Not sure how I managed that one.
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Old 04-25-2008, 06:58 AM   #20 (permalink)
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The bigger question is how someone "used" to have huge boobs.. surgery excluded
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Old 04-25-2008, 07:31 AM   #21 (permalink)
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Seaver
The bigger question is how someone "used" to have huge boobs.. surgery excluded
Apparently she started out as average build, big breasts. As she lost a lot of weight, it came off the boobs before anything else. It's truly a shame.
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Old 04-27-2008, 09:25 PM   #22 (permalink)
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In real life, I tend to be a talk then think kinda guy. Best not to give any examples - I already feel bad about them - no need to rub it in.
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Old 04-27-2008, 11:20 PM   #23 (permalink)
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I'm Jewish, and I basically agree with what you said. That dude needs to find a new angle.

Except for the part where you liked two of his movies.
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Old 04-28-2008, 09:44 AM   #24 (permalink)
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Dunno, that is pretty harsh. Not all Jewish people do movies as mind-numbingly terrible as Meet the Parents, you know.

(that's what offended her, right?)
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Old 04-29-2008, 05:35 AM   #25 (permalink)
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I once had the rare opportunity, through no fault of my own, to make an ass of myself in front of my congressman not once, but twice in one day on nonconsecutive occasions.

I used to work at a quick oil change place in town (don't ever take a car to one of those) and one of our customers was Congressman Shays. I was working reception that day because I was one of the techs who could be trusted to fill in for the receptionist wihtout scaring off customers. He brought in his car, and our service writer tole me he needed a new serpentine belt and to ask if he wanted it replaced. After I assured him that we had one in stock he agreed, signed the estimate, and the guys in the garage went to work.

Around 45 minutes later, one of them told me that Bill (our service writer) had looked up the wrong belt and didn't actually have one in stock. I had to explain this to the customer, who didn't seem too upset about it, and take the charge off his bill. I gave him the receipt with the "$10 off if you bring another car in the next week" sticker, which motivated him to bring his other car in later that afternoon. This one also needed a belt. I insisted that three people check the belt on the car, check the computer, and check physical inventory (Bill was notorious for putting the wrong part in the system, and I wasn't going to let it happen again) and they all told me it was fine. After 45 minutes of three guys trying to put the wrong belt on, I had to explain once again that our techs didn't cross-reference the right part number, take the belt off the bill, and refund the difference to his credit card.

After he left, I turned to Bill, the manager, and the other tech in the room, and said, "Thanks for making me look like a moron in front of my congressman." The dumbfounded stares let me know that they had no idea who he was. Fortunately, every time I've seen him since then I've been wearing a suit instead of a mechanic's uniform, and I don't think he remembers me as the idiot from the oil change place.
Quote:
Originally Posted by hayesDX
I'm Jewish, and I basically agree with what you said. That dude needs to find a new angle.

Except for the part where you liked two of his movies.
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Old 04-29-2008, 06:09 AM   #26 (permalink)
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just a thought..

everyone is saying how into her religion this girl is...

so whyd she spend a night with u then?

no offence but a 'good jewish girl' wouldnt go that...

so im thinking maybe theres something else goin on and the religion is only a facade

just my thoughts on it
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Old 04-29-2008, 01:41 PM   #27 (permalink)
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Quote:
Originally Posted by dlish
just a thought..

everyone is saying how into her religion this girl is...

so whyd she spend a night with u then?

no offence but a 'good jewish girl' wouldnt go that...

so im thinking maybe theres something else goin on and the religion is only a facade

just my thoughts on it

Doesn't necessarily work like that in Judaism. Especially in non-Orthodox Judaism. There are a number of opinions about pre-marital sex in Judaism, and several are-- by Christian standards-- exceedingly permissive. (I'm dating a girl who's very, very into her Judaism, and very into sex, and she's a good Jewish girl. In fact, last time I was with her, she was a very, very good Jewish girl!) Not to mention that many non-Orthodox Jews simply decide that the rules concerning sexual behavior are not the aspects of Jewish practice that interest them.... Not a very convincing theological practice, but very common just the same.... I just had to say it, for the sake of clarity....

I still think that it's not that she's very religious, but either that she feels hypersensitive about her Jewish cultural identity for some reason, or-- more likely-- that she was having a wiggins about going too fast with him, and the Jewish thing was just the excuse that was handy.
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Old 04-29-2008, 01:57 PM   #28 (permalink)
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i was hoping u were gonna answer levite. thanks for the clarification.

i too see it as 'just an excuse' for something else.
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