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Old 08-17-2008, 02:10 PM   #1 (permalink)
Lubeboy's Avatar
How to tell an old buddy you don't want to attend his wedding?

So here's the story, an old buddy that I have known since 2nd grade is getting married to this chick he met while playing at a bar. She's totally not the type of girl you would think he would go for. She's a bit beastly if you know what I mean. His last girlfriend was a lot cuter and attractive. She also has two kids. My friend seems really happy with her. I guess that's all that matters right? After he started dating her he basically stopped talking to me or would take forever to return my phone calls or not even bothering. So I was like whatever and stopped calling him. It wasn't worth my time to care anymore.

Fast forward few years later he invites me to his wedding. It's taking place sometime next year in some remote country near Italy. It seems like a total pain in the ass to get to. Anyway I would be more excited but I think he's making a mistake marrying this girl. He's going to wake up one day and be like WTF did I get myself into. Then I realized that I don't really want to go.

I decided to give her chance. I finally got to meet his fiance last night since we live in different states. They decided to come up for a show and visit. She seemed nice but was totally flakey with me when I tried to strike a conversation with her every time. She also seemed like a total gold digger expecting him to pay for everything. This encounter re-affirmed my intuition that he shouldn't marry her. Sealed my decision to not want to go to their wedding.

So question is, how do I tell him I don't want to attend their wedding?
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Old 08-17-2008, 02:18 PM   #2 (permalink)
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Location: Ontario, Canada
If you don't want to go because going to Italy is too expensive or a serious time issue, that's one thing and I'd think he would understand But if that's not the case and the guy is really a friend, you should go regardless of what you think about his choice in brides. I have no advice to offer in that situation.
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Old 08-17-2008, 02:24 PM   #3 (permalink)
If you don't want to go...don't. Make up an excuse, if he's got any "friend" left in him he will understand. Wish them the best, a gift and thats that. Not a big deal...
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Old 08-17-2008, 03:23 PM   #4 (permalink)
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Location: Central Central Florida
Although your longstanding disapproval of the bride is a ludicrous reason not to attend your friend's wedding, I think traveling out of the country is enough of a realistic reason to bow out.

From what you say (it's been a few years?) he's spent enough time in this relationship to know if she's right for him, not for you. Respect his decision and show him that you support him. Maybe you're right and he'll need you one day. Or maybe he'll be the one you'll turn to.
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Old 08-17-2008, 03:42 PM   #5 (permalink)
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Location: Chicago
Originally Posted by ghoastgirl1 View Post
If you don't want to go...don't. Make up an excuse, if he's got any "friend" left in him he will understand. Wish them the best, a gift and thats that. Not a big deal...
Yep. Spot on. I'll go farther and write your note for you:

"Dear friend, I'm sorry that I can't make your wedding. I wish you the best in life and hope that you will be happy. I hope that the two of you have a great life together.



Candlesticks make a nice gift. Or a toaster.
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Old 08-17-2008, 04:40 PM   #6 (permalink)
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Location: reykjavík, iceland
defo sign it "lubeboy"

i have to disagree with jewels and say that a disapproval for the bride is, to me, a perfectly acceptable reason to not attend. unless you plan to attend to use the moment where the celebrant asks if there is anyone who thinks they shouldn´t wed. wish them well and tell them you´ll watch the live telecast of the event. if the football isn´t on.
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Old 08-17-2008, 08:26 PM   #7 (permalink)
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Location: left coast
Originally Posted by lotsofmagnets View Post
i have to disagree with jewels and say that a disapproval for the bride is, to me, a perfectly acceptable reason to not attend.
well, perhaps... just don't tell your friend that. at least if you want to stay on good terms in the short run with him.

if the wedding is overseas... your buddy probably shouldn't expect very many guests to attend in the first place. i'm sure he probably already realizes that and hopefully won't get too upset when you say you can't attend. just say you can't take the time off work or somethin'.
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Old 08-17-2008, 09:19 PM   #8 (permalink)
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Location: New Jersey
I think you're kind of in a tough spot here. Deep down it sounds as though you'd like to express to him your disapproval of her by not going, however you don't want to hurt his feelings. I say if you're not willing to confront him about about the issue, which I really think you shouldn't, then either just go to support him, or make up an excuse not to. He may be marrying the wrong girl in your eyes, but the fact remains that he IS getting married, and thats stressful enough without having a good friend of his flake out on him at the last minute for a reason like that.
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Old 08-17-2008, 09:40 PM   #9 (permalink)
... a sort of licensed troubleshooter.
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"She's going to fuck you over and you're going to die alone. And you'll deserve it for being a sucker. So no, I won't go to your sham of a wedding."... sounds kinda harsh.

She's his call, and you back him up because he's asking you to be a friend. If you're still his friend, go. If not, then you don't need an excuse.
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Old 08-18-2008, 04:32 AM   #10 (permalink)
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Thanks for your input everyone. Yeah I can't support my friend getting fucked over. He will have to learn this himself. The wedding isn't until next April. How long should I wait to mail my decline response? I got the invite last month.
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Old 08-18-2008, 04:40 AM   #11 (permalink)
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Location: Belgium
I have to agree with lotsofmagnets:

If you're really opposed to this, why *would* you go to the wedding? To me the people at the event are there to celebrate with you, and enjoy your special day together. If you participate, you agree with the whole thing.

If it's gonna even cost you a serious amount of money & holidays on top of your gift, then it better be a very good buddy of mine before I would attend.

However, I don't see where he's asking you to be a friend and be there for him even in spite of...?
In all fairness to his buddy, I'm wondering if he even knows you have a problem with his choice.

And as an added: you've seen this girl one or two times, and went out with her 1 night...
Flakeyness and golddigger both seem to me like the things you can "figure out in 2 minutes tops!".
These traits themselves are flaky... Depending on her mood she may have exhibited this, depending on if she felt at ease with you, depending...
Like Jewels said: he's spent a few years and has decided something based on this experience.

If you value his friendship still, then I would give her some more time and benefit of the doubt.

But I still wouldn't go to the wedding if it's in Italy
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Old 08-21-2008, 02:31 PM   #12 (permalink)
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Location: Austin, Texas
Maybe I'm overly simplistic, but is it going to hurt so much to be straight forward with your buddy? She might have some awesome traits you just don't see that makes the match make sense, and maybe he can explain it. Maybe she's a manipulative harpy and your friend needs a wake up call. Can't you just talk to him about his relationship and how you feel, or is that too much of a chick move?
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Old 08-21-2008, 03:05 PM   #13 (permalink)
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Pfft throw the blame on the soon to be wife. "I get the feeling that she doesn't like me and I don't want to ruin her wedding and It's really inconvenient for me to make it to Italy. Wish you the best an all that junk." or something like that
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Old 08-21-2008, 03:59 PM   #14 (permalink)
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Since the two of you have hardly even spoken since his relationship with her, I wouldn't give it a lot of thought. He hasn't been much of a friend regardless, so why go through the motions and expense of all of the travel etc. Likely he will be so occupied with final touches to the wedding, groom's dinner etc that there won't be a whole lot of time to visit. You shouldn't need to give much of an excuse to explain and it isn't like you were asked to be in the wedding party. Send him a note though to let him know of your plans either way.
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Old 08-21-2008, 09:49 PM   #15 (permalink)
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Touching that an old friend would invite you to his wedding. So special. Unfortunately, he hasn't had much contact with you for the past several years. You are not a best man or a groomsman, so don't plan on making the trip. Feel free to tell him now that you won't be able to attend. Didn't they send out response cards with their invitations? Should be as easy as checking a box, then throwing it in the mail. I guess those are old-fashioned. Just send him a quick "I cannot attend" e-mail. Make sure he doesn't pay for your plate of food.
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Last edited by genuinegirly; 08-21-2008 at 09:51 PM..
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Old 08-22-2008, 11:26 AM   #16 (permalink)
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Location: Orlando, Florida
Inform him that you are unable to attend the wedding, as others have stated. The reason behind it is yours to decide on, but don't mention the bride and your dislike for her.

Additionally, I would allow him to make the mistake of marrying her without attempting to interfere. You have been in irregular contact over the years, and he is not going to cancel the wedding or seriously contemplate any negativity from you towards it. If anything, it will push him further away. It's entirely possible that they will be a great couple; you had a very brief meeting with her that may have simply led to a poor first impression.

Let him handle this as he wishes, it's not your place to dissuade him under these circumstances.
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Old 08-23-2008, 10:30 AM   #17 (permalink)
A female friend of mine who'd fallen out of touch asked me to attend her wedding, and I told her I wasn't going to attend on the basis that we weren't communicating enough of late to warrant my attendance.

I think you should make the decision based on your friend, without considering who he is marrying. Who he marries is his decision, and it seems he didn't ask for your opinion or blessing in regards to reaching it.
Desperation is no excuse for lowering one's standards.
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Old 08-24-2008, 05:08 PM   #18 (permalink)
Location: Adelaide, South Australia
If you consider him a friend, I would say, go! We have a duty to our friends and that includes standing witness to their triumphs and stupidities.
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Old 08-26-2008, 03:17 PM   #19 (permalink)
kutulu's Avatar
When people get married in a remote area they expect most people to decline teh invite. Mostly they are doing it out of courtesy and hoping to get a gift out of it.

I do think you are being a bit judgmental about her. You don't know her and since it's been so long I don't think you really know him that well anymore either. You probably know even less about their relationship. If I were you I wouldn't say anything about her, just let him know that you can't afford to attend.
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Old 09-01-2008, 02:53 PM   #20 (permalink)
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Location: Deep in Jersey
The costs are prohibitive these days, but trust me from someone who goes to Europe every year, there's no country near Italy that's "remote."

If you were such good mates over the years, maybe this is an ideal opportunity to have a conversation about what your objections are, why you two stopped talking - really why he stopped talking to you and why it bothered you. If that's a conversation you don't want to have or just don't think's that valuable, then there's your answer.
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Old 09-02-2008, 05:48 PM   #21 (permalink)
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Just tell him the truth. Whatever reason you dont want to go just tell him. The woman gets on your nerves its not worth the hassle you dont want to be a witness to him signing away his life whatever. If he was my friend i would take him aside one day without her around and slap some sense into him. Try to convince him to buy me a house a car and take me on expensive european vacation. Basiclly just do exactly what the woman is doing without the hormones screwing with his mind.
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Old 09-02-2008, 05:57 PM   #22 (permalink)
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Location: Fauxenix, Azerona
I wouldn't even expect all of my family to make it to an Italian wedding. Unless you're in a much higher income bracket than the average American, just decline without explanation. You're already living in different states, how much drama could it cause?
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Old 09-02-2008, 06:08 PM   #23 (permalink)
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Location: The Woodlands, TX
tell him your on the no fly list.

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attend, buddy, wedding

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