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Old 12-16-2008, 11:21 PM   #1 (permalink)
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A tough thing to hear, and a tougher decision to make

My spouse just informed me that she does not want kids. Flat out. No adoption, no makin' babies. Nothing.

For years we have been forming plans around finishing our major schooling and then diving in and having kids. Now, I am getting my degree because I love kids so this is a major goal in my life. I feel kind of destroyed at the moment and I don't know what to do. I feel almost betrayed by the woman I love.

Has anyone been through something similar and have any advice?
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Old 12-17-2008, 01:03 AM   #2 (permalink)
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I don't really want children either, im2smrt4u does at least he likes the idea of it.

I think after being with him for this long I realize I love him enough that I wouldn't deny him a kid if I knew he would regret it if we didn't. I have also come to realize that its not so much that I absolutely will not have kids but more that if we don't I won't be disappointed if we don't. I think I would be perfectly happy to not have kids but I know I would love my kid if we decide to have one.

I say try talking to her, ask her why she doesn't want to have kids and try to make it clear that you really do want them.
BTW why was this subject not discussed before marriage? Especially if its such a deal breaker.

Its also hard for me to tell Steven we aren't having kids when I'm holding a friend's baby and he gets this look in his eye one that is just so hard to not let it melt your heart.
It also doesn't help when kids seem to love me and everyone tells me that I would make a great mom.
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Old 12-17-2008, 02:58 AM   #3 (permalink)
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On this issue, it'll only get worse with time. Some people truly do not want kids, but those that do will forever face an increasing desire for them. As a couple you will both be fighting your parents who want grandkids, friends who will constantly bother asking when, new friends which will constantly ask why, and the biological clock which even guys have.

Seriously, this is something you two need to talk about in a full blown sit-down because her drawing the line in the sand like that will probably end in divorce.
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Old 12-17-2008, 04:22 AM   #4 (permalink)
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Get a different spouse or get a dog.

Life is too short to "settle."
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Old 12-17-2008, 05:13 AM   #5 (permalink)
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I think this is a betrayal on the part of your wife. You made plans, you had an "agreement" of sorts. This is not really something you just change your mind on over a whim. Talk to her, she can't just impose this on you for no good reason. Especially if she has been misleading you for years - was she misleading you, hoping to change your mind, or did she change her mind over something that happened? It's not really fair.

You clearly have a choice to make. She gave you an ultimatum, in a sense, which is never a good thing. Her, or kids, with someone else. If you feel that you will not come to resent her in the future, and that "just" her, will be enough for you, then you can just accept it. If not...it's time to look at your life and make some changes.
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Old 12-17-2008, 06:24 AM   #6 (permalink)
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Starkizzer View Post
I don't really want children either, im2smrt4u does at least he likes the idea of it.

I think after being with him for this long I realize I love him enough that I wouldn't deny him a kid if I knew he would regret it if we didn't. I have also come to realize that its not so much that I absolutely will not have kids but more that if we don't I won't be disappointed if we don't. I think I would be perfectly happy to not have kids but I know I would love my kid if we decide to have one.
People can definitely change as they get older.

When I began dating the woman who was to become my present-day wife, we were in our early 30's, and she told me up front that she did not ever want to have children. (This was to be my 2nd marriage and her first.) Well, at the time, that was okay with me.

However, after dating for over a year, we ended up having a "happy accident", and now we have a beautiful daughter. (Our daughter is now 8.) My wife absoultely adores this child, and she has become, IMHO, one of the best – one of the most loving, nurturing, happy and fulfilled – mothers in the world. I think she has come to see a side of herself that she didn't know existed. (I think my wife had supressed that side of herself because of the dysfunctional ways of her own mother. But when it comes to motherhood, my wife has proven to be little if anything like her own mother.)

Last edited by Cynosure; 12-17-2008 at 07:43 AM..
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Old 12-17-2008, 08:57 AM   #7 (permalink)
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I am so sorry to hear of this. As was said, do not settle because you will only grow bitter in your age and eventually poison the relationship with resent.
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Old 12-17-2008, 09:03 AM   #8 (permalink)
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My father actually divorced his first wife over a similar issue. He had finished his Master's degree, gotten a job in school administration, and wanted to have some children. She didn't want to settle down, and didn't want children. They divorced after nine years of marriage, and within a couple of years, my dad met and married my mother. They've been married for 26 years now, going on 27, quite happily.

This is one of those issues where you and your spouse really should be on the same page, and if you aren't, you really ought to reevaluate your relationship. Perhaps it's time to consider some counseling?
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Old 12-17-2008, 09:29 AM   #9 (permalink)
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I wouldn't trust a "happy accident" to turn things around. She might end up resenting the child for putting the brakes on her career (whatever that is). Loved by one parent, hated by the other. Not good at all.
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Old 12-17-2008, 11:13 AM   #10 (permalink)
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Quote:
Originally Posted by little_tippler View Post
I think this is a betrayal on the part of your wife. You made plans, you had an "agreement" of sorts. This is not really something you just change your mind on over a whim. Talk to her, she can't just impose this on you for no good reason. Especially if she has been misleading you for years - was she misleading you, hoping to change your mind, or did she change her mind over something that happened? It's not really fair.

You clearly have a choice to make. She gave you an ultimatum, in a sense, which is never a good thing. Her, or kids, with someone else. If you feel that you will not come to resent her in the future, and that "just" her, will be enough for you, then you can just accept it. If not...it's time to look at your life and make some changes.
LT nailed it.

I hope that your wife isn't using the "children issue" to cover other problems.
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Old 12-17-2008, 11:59 AM   #11 (permalink)
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Originally Posted by Milnoc View Post
I wouldn't trust a "happy accident" to turn things around.
I wouldn't either, despite my happy ending. Nor would I advise someone to have a happy accident in hope for positive change. But, then, trusting in or trying for a happy accident was not the point I was trying to make with my previous post.
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Old 12-17-2008, 12:35 PM   #12 (permalink)
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Quote:
Originally Posted by BenChuy View Post
My spouse just informed me that she does not want kids. Flat out. No adoption, no makin' babies. Nothing.

For years we have been forming plans around finishing our major schooling and then diving in and having kids. Now, I am getting my degree because I love kids so this is a major goal in my life. I feel kind of destroyed at the moment and I don't know what to do. I feel almost betrayed by the woman I love.

Has anyone been through something similar and have any advice?
Well first off, I'm so sorry that you're having to go through this. I know what it's like to want children very much, and I can't imagine being blindsided with such a revelation.

I'm with Crompsin on this one. Unless she repents, it may be in your best interest to at least think about separation.

Again, I'm really sorry you're having to go through this.
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Old 12-17-2008, 02:00 PM   #13 (permalink)
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I'm sorry to hear this. I don't want children but I've always made that plain to people.

Assuming that she has changed her mind rather than duped you, has she said why? Maybe something about childbirth has frightened her? Has there been a previous miscarriage and she feels afraid of it happening again? Maybe, in the current economic climate, she is just concerned about the cost? I think you have a right to know why she has suddenly dropped this bombshell. Maybe she hasn't realized just how important having a family is to you.
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Old 12-17-2008, 02:48 PM   #14 (permalink)
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People do change, however.

I don't know your situation really, only you do. My wife never really wanted kids in her earlier to mid twenties, but by the time her late twenties came around, she really did a complete turn-around and is a great mother.
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Old 12-17-2008, 03:33 PM   #15 (permalink)
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Did you ask her for reasons? What are the reasons?
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Old 12-17-2008, 03:47 PM   #16 (permalink)
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Anormalguy View Post
LT nailed it.

I hope that your wife isn't using the "children issue" to cover other problems.
Ditto.
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Old 12-17-2008, 08:09 PM   #17 (permalink)
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I guess you need to look into the sperm donor with rights option. As in, look for a place or organization that is looking for some viable jizz to kick-start babies, and are happy to hear the donor wants to be known to the child that is conceived. I hear sperm donors are becoming a rare breed in places like England because the law now seems to allow the children to be supported by/involved with the donor parent.
People change. We all have a right to change our minds. Sometimes love is not enough. Maybe you need to step into a whole new world. Tough on you for now, probably a really great new life down the road.
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Old 12-22-2008, 03:37 PM   #18 (permalink)
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If you are literally just finishing a long degree course I'm amazed you can even think of having kids. I'd be looking for at least a year without making any plans, perhaps some time out to travel, get some money in the bank etc. When we graduated we didn't want kids either. Far too busy working and planning all the exciting things we were going to do now that we were earning money. It took us 12 years to get around to having kids and my wife had a hard time convincing me even then. Kids now age seven I wouldn't have missed it for the world.

It maybe that she has here own ideas about what she wants to do now the pressure to study is off and simply can't see beyond that at the moment. Try and have a chat about what she wants to do over the next few years without raising the issue of kids.
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Old 12-24-2008, 09:58 AM   #19 (permalink)
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People do change, however.

I don't know your situation really, only you do. My wife never really wanted kids in her earlier to mid twenties, but by the time her late twenties came around, she really did a complete turn-around and is a great mother.
My wife worked with children and stated that she never wanted children of her own. When she got into her 30's she changed her mind. I was a little thrown by it as I was quite happy with her initial position. (We have two now - 3 year old and 3 months - we're now talking about a minor operation for me :-( )

I think age does things to people (perhaps the mythical 'biological clock') and how they feel can change. In the UK the average age for first children his now over 30.

Equally, though, you can't just hope that she will change her mind.

DB
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Old 12-26-2008, 09:09 PM   #20 (permalink)
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Crompsin View Post
Get a different spouse or get a dog.

Life is too short to "settle."
+1
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Old 01-02-2009, 02:50 PM   #21 (permalink)
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My wife wants a baby, and she's moved me from a "hell no" position to a "eh, maybe". I see my friends starting to have them, and I just don't see the appeal. But I love my wife and she really wants this to happen.

Its a tough spot, and I don't know the right answer.
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