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Old 02-07-2009, 07:52 PM   #1 (permalink)
I Confess a Shiver
Plan9's Avatar
Important first meeting? "No problem," says monster zit.

This is going to be a pretty tasteless thread. Most likely total college toilet humor.


Thread introduction:

So I was just thinking about how awesome my body is... and it turns out that it hates me, too.

I mean, seriously... got an important first meeting like a date or a job interview? A zit big enough to crack open a beer bottle on appears on my chin within 3 hours of the start time. Without fail. Regardless of hygiene or any other factor. I don't even have to be stressed out or change my diet or dunk my head in a vat of Vaseline. No, Monster Zit (TM) will show up right on my chin, nose, or upper lip like a pore-clogging suicide bomber. Jihad on my face!

And is there ever great time for a sudden case of explosive diarrhea? No, but your body will save it up for the first trip home to meet her parents. Oh, yeah.


Thread question(s):

Okay, TFP... what awesome bodily malfunctions do you experience during important life events? Any good stories about ejecting butterflies made of vodka onto someone's shoes? How about destroying an interview with pit stains the size of Utah? Let us know how your body failed you.

I gotta know.
Whatever you can carry.

"You should not drink... and bake."

Last edited by Plan9; 02-07-2009 at 07:57 PM..
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Old 02-07-2009, 08:26 PM   #2 (permalink)
warrior bodhisattva
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Super Moderator
Location: East-central Canada
I normally have to empty my bowels before boarding a plane. Sometimes 3 times within 10 minutes of boarding.

Every time I've taken flights, it was for good things.
Knowing that death is certain and that the time of death is uncertain, what's the most important thing?
—Bhikkhuni Pema Chödrön

Humankind cannot bear very much reality.
—From "Burnt Norton," Four Quartets (1936), T. S. Eliot
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Old 02-08-2009, 03:37 PM   #3 (permalink)
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Location: on the back, bitch
I have IBS.
I know almost every bathroom personally between here and Charlotte, NC.
Ironically, or someone had a sense of humor, IBS carries a little offspring called "Dumping Syndrome". It means basically that whatever you ate bypasses the normal digestive steps and skips to the end. I have left Christmas parties, been late for everything important and some not so important.

Other than that, I get nice big zits on my chin or nose (still at my age) whenever I want to make an impression.
Don't blame me. I didn't vote for either of'em.
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Old 02-08-2009, 03:51 PM   #4 (permalink)
Location: Chicago
I sweat. I mean I fucking sweat. And if I notice I'm sweating, I sweat even more. I grew up in a dry climate, moved to a more humid climate, and my body has never forgiven me. In fact, it was in the 20s one day and I walked into a shoe store, and for some stupid reason, a sense of nervousness hit me and I started sweating...in 20-fucking-degree weather.

I need to spackle my pores.
"I can normally tell how intelligent a man is by how stupid he thinks I am" - Cormac McCarthy, All The Pretty Horses
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Old 02-08-2009, 03:58 PM   #5 (permalink)
... a sort of licensed troubleshooter.
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When I'm nervous, my intestines clench like the Rambo's fist around a huge knife right before he's going to go kill a bunch of Asians. This means several things:
1) Don't get nervous. Ever. Especially when it counts. You don't want an intestinal walk out when you're on a date with the hot Israeli chick you met at Green Peace. This means preparation; calming exercises like yoga, meditation, psyching myself out and the works.
2) Don't have lactose or carbohydrates in your gut when you've gotta do something that's important. Gas only makes things worse.
3) Don't wear those tight, Lenny Kravitz leather pants you like so much. Too much gut pressure is only going to make things worse. Tight jeans and the like are great for showing off, but junk display can't undo the damage of a really loud duodenum mating call during an interview or date.
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Old 02-08-2009, 04:31 PM   #6 (permalink)
I Confess a Shiver
Plan9's Avatar
This is really entertaining, guys and gals. Thanks for contributing.

I'm a huge fan of foot powder. I stopped using it when I left the army and often wonder why. It's standard issue important meeting gear.

Nothing makes a date situation more weird than refusing to take off your shoes because your socks would be like, "Welcome to the jungle!"

Your date probably figures you have gargoyle feet or something. Maybe you're a velociraptor or just have sickly yellow hooves.
Whatever you can carry.

"You should not drink... and bake."

Last edited by Plan9; 02-08-2009 at 08:57 PM..
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Old 02-08-2009, 08:33 PM   #7 (permalink)
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Location: Oside
My eyes twitch. Light sensitivity or some crap. And when they notice it and say something it just gets worse and I can feel the blood pumping thru em going screw you B. Thank god for sunglasses and socal weather permitting their use everywhere.
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Old 02-09-2009, 05:50 AM   #8 (permalink)
Leaning against the -Sun-
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Location: on the other side
Here's a few:

when I have to perform on stage (public speaking, or singing), I start to shake. It's not too noticeable but if you look my hands will be shaking like leaves. It goes away after a bit, thankfully. Also when I'm performing, I sometimes feel a bit panicky, which means I am unable to smile much, which I think makes me look a bit mean to people.

I have ulcerative colitis, and sometimes when I'm tired or stressed, I get impossible to control urges and have to go to the bathroom several times in the space of an hour. My tummy also likes to make pretty loud noises in silent rooms, like say in the middle of an exam.

When I am painting, and concentrating on the task very hard, and still have lots to do and can't afford to take a break, my upper lip swells up on the inside. I think because I'm biting it a bit more than normal. It looks funny and is annoying. I also get the eye-twitch when I am particularly exhausted, but only in my left eye. I don't think it's visible, but it's horrible to feel the blood pumping hard there.

Bodies are tricky things to manage!
Whether we write or speak or do but look
We are ever unapparent. What we are
Cannot be transfused into word or book.
Our soul from us is infinitely far.
However much we give our thoughts the will
To be our soul and gesture it abroad,
Our hearts are incommunicable still.
In what we show ourselves we are ignored.
The abyss from soul to soul cannot be bridged
By any skill of thought or trick of seeming.
Unto our very selves we are abridged
When we would utter to our thought our being.
We are our dreams of ourselves, souls by gleams,
And each to each other dreams of others' dreams.

Fernando Pessoa, 1918
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Old 11-02-2009, 09:57 PM   #9 (permalink)
I Confess a Shiver
Plan9's Avatar
This thread needs more gross in it.
Whatever you can carry.

"You should not drink... and bake."
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Old 11-02-2009, 10:02 PM   #10 (permalink)
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Location: ....a state of pure inebriation.
I fart... A LOT... when I'm nervous...

The insanely smelly kinds.
"The fact is that censorship always defeats its own purpose, for it creates, in the end, the kind of society that is incapable of exercising real discretion..." - Henry Steel Commager

"Punk rock music is great music played by really bad, drunk musicians." -Fat Mike
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Old 11-02-2009, 10:59 PM   #11 (permalink)
Young Crumudgeon
Martian's Avatar
Location: Canada
Digestive disorders. You want 'em, we got 'em.

I have Crohn's Disease, as many of you know. It means I get all the fun things that tippler and ngdawg mentioned, and then some. Bad gas -- we're talking weapons grade here. Having to use the bathroom at inconvenient times? Check. I've gotten into the habit of making a mental note to myself on where the nearest bathroom is when I enter an unfamiliar place for the first time. Not having one handy makes me nervous. I can't eat prior to important events, because eating carries the inherent risk of causing an attack. I have trigger foods that I avoid (I haven't had a steak or raw carrot in over a decade) but even with the strictest diet sometimes it just happens.

This is adult life with inflammatory bowel disease.

Under normal circumstances I'm not a very sweaty man, but when I'm on steroids the whole situation changes. You want to see your body betray you in ways you didn't know were possible, try messing with your hormone levels. Height of summer, if I'm on pred I can't leave the house without two shirts on -- guarantee I'll soak through one.

It also causes acne. And not just the regular face-pimples either. I get pimples in places I didn't know it was possible. Ever had a zit on your taint? Cuz I have. Let me tell you boy, that made sitting down rather uncomfortable.

I have stretch marks everywhere. Arms, legs, back, groin.

Drugs are bad.

Less disgusting but no less embarrassing is the arthritic knee. When the weather gets bad it gets all wonky. I've fallen down stairs on two separate occasions because of it. There's something about your fifty year old mother treating your twenty-five year old self as if you're old and frail that's just... humiliating.

As an aside, I think I'm in love with this thread. It's so damn honest.
I wake up in the morning more tired than before I slept
I get through cryin' and I'm sadder than before I wept
I get through thinkin' now, and the thoughts have left my head
I get through speakin' and I can't remember, not a word that I said

- Ben Harper, Show Me A Little Shame
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Old 11-03-2009, 04:02 AM   #12 (permalink)
Une petite chou
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Location: With All Your Base
I'm glad NG filled me in on Dumping Syndrome. Ladies' Night conversations just made a whole lot more sense.

I blush. Not like the cute, "tee hee" look either.
The full-on, Oh-My-God-Are-You-Going-To-Spontaneously-Combust?!?!?!111?! kind.
Including mouth dryness because every ounce of fluid heads elsewhere.
Doesn't sound like much, but it totally screws me up and freaks other people out.

I, too, know every "safe" restroom in any area I've worked or lived in.
My mother used to joke about my stomach prior to going to the dentist.
It wasn't funny. And mine, too, will announce its presence during any and all
quiet, inappropriate moments. Then suddenly require an immediate exit.
The SATs were a blast.

I don't just shake anymore... I get weird muscle spasms in my core now
when I get anxious about meeting new people, public speaking, or when
something is exciting. The gross thing is that you can see it depending on
what I'm wearing. You can hear it when I talk, too, it's just lovely.
My teeth chatter, my abs get a work out, and after it goes, my diaphragm
feels like someone stepped on it in combat boots. I often wonder if it's an
internal panic attack.

I'm not even going there with the new braces or skin issues I've had since I was 12. The zit is a given. The mouth sores are even better. Inevitably before I have to speak somewhere, I'll cut my lip and end up with a whopper of a disgusting cold-sore looking thing and have to explain that I don't have herpes, "I have braces " to the horrified people who are staring...
Here's how life works: you either get to ask for an apology or you get to shoot people. Not both. House

Originally Posted by Plan9
Just realize that you're armed with smart but heavily outnumbered.
The question isn’t who is going to let me; it’s who is going to stop me. Ayn Rand
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Old 11-03-2009, 05:40 AM   #13 (permalink)
Paladin of the Palate
LordEden's Avatar
Location: Redneckville, NC
I'll chime in and join the stomach problems category with the rest of TFP. My problems are not as bad as some (which is amazing considering my diet and massive amount of liquor I put in my system), but it still pops up at the worse times. I've left bars before just for the fact I wouldn't put my bare ass anywhere near that bathroom and went to a gas station I know is clean. Ever been in the middle of sex and have to poop NOW? Yeah, THAT'S a fun conversation, "No no baby, you were rocking my world SO HARD, that you rocked something loose." Plus, pooping with a boner has to be one of the most awkward sitting positions ever.

I fart alot. I seem to be farting 24/7. I was in B&N the other day I could not stop farting. I felt really bad when I was in the Manga section and let a REALLY loud and smelly fart out. I left the row as fast as possible in hopes that someone blamed it on the fat sweaty guy in sweat pants looking at the latest "Almost Child Porn" high school Manga series.

We had the gag reflex thread, but it is relevant here. I end up gagging myself alot. Coughing and drinking beer are the two biggest causes of it. I was talking to my friend on the phone the other day, took a hit of my bowl, coughed once, then ran to the bathroom and threw up in the sink. Thankfully my friend knows this and just waited on me. I've thrown up after 2 beers in the middle of an afternoon because of this. I will get to much foam in my stomach and BAM it's coming out the way it came in. Thankfully its a one shot deal most of the time. I have mastered the art of walking around a corner, shooting it out of my mouth, and walking right on past.
Originally Posted by Baraka_Guru View Post
In my own personal experience---this is just anecdotal, mind you---I have found that there is always room to be found between boobs.
Vice-President of the CinnamonGirl Fan Club - The Meat of the Zombiesquirrel and CinnamonGirl Sandwich
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Old 11-03-2009, 06:47 AM   #14 (permalink)
Sitting in a tree
Location: Atlanta
Originally Posted by LordEden View Post
Ever been in the middle of sex and have to poop NOW?
YES. Or at least poot. This just happened to me the other day. I needed the bathroom bad. The position I was in just made it extra funny. I'm holding it in and holding it in. He's getting harder and harder and such because I'm getting tighter and tighter trying to hold it in. Omg so happy when he left.
Originally Posted by LordEden
I fart alot. I seem to be farting 24/7. I was in B&N the other day I could not stop farting.
I carry a full size box (50ct.) of Maximum Strength Gas-X wherever I go {see purse thread.} I have to. I swear I'm worse than any man sometimes. Then I look at my dog and say 'thank god we live alone.' Anyways, I learned from my doctor that you can't overdose on simethicone. I take 5-10 at a time to make sure those damn things work the first time around. If I'm at home though, I don't bother.
Originally Posted by LordEden
We had the gag reflex thread, but it is relevant here. I end up gagging myself alot. Coughing and drinking beer are the two biggest causes of it. I was talking to my friend on the phone the other day, took a hit of my bowl, coughed once, then ran to the bathroom and threw up in the sink. Thankfully my friend knows this and just waited on me. I've thrown up after 2 beers in the middle of an afternoon because of this. I will get to much foam in my stomach and BAM it's coming out the way it came in. Thankfully its a one shot deal most of the time. I have mastered the art of walking around a corner, shooting it out of my mouth, and walking right on past.
Yeah you do have it bad :/.
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Old 11-03-2009, 07:08 AM   #15 (permalink)
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Location: New England
OK, not nearly as gross as the rest of you, but occasionally, my ear will nearly catch fire. It gets completely flushed with blood and I can feel the heat of the blood coming off of it. Only one ear (but I'm not sure if it is always the same ear). I haven't figured out a trigger yet, but the last time was Christmas at my father-in-laws.
I can't read your signature. Sorry.
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Old 11-03-2009, 08:00 AM   #16 (permalink)
Good to the last drop.
ZombieSquirrel's Avatar
Location: Oregon
My period will either show up days early or days later just to coincide with my vacation. It's inevitable. I have learned to always pack tampons and Midol. My girlie bits hate me.
Attack ZombieSquirrels

Originally Posted by Plan9 View Post
She probably tastes like cheap beer and smells like a jockstrap.
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Old 11-03-2009, 08:36 AM   #17 (permalink)
Kick Ass Kunoichi
snowy's Avatar
Location: Oregon
In the evenings, I sometimes flush bright red. Since this could lead to rosacea, I try to minimize things that might cause it, but I've yet to figure out a real trigger for what does it.

I have IBS too. It waxes and wanes depending on my stress levels, regardless of coping with the stress. I eat yogurt on an almost-daily basis and that seems to help, as does a high-fiber diet. But even so, some months it seems like I've gone through a cycle of either explosive diarrhea or constipation. I carry wet wipes with me at all times (Wet Ones Fresh'n'Flush, highly recommended) because I will inevitably have a loose bowel movement somewhere that isn't my home. I got over the fear of pooping in public toilets a long time ago. The IBS also sometimes keeps me home sick; some professors (my stats prof) really don't like it when you get up 10 times during a lecture. That is when it is really inconvenient and I will take a loperamide, though that usually just leads to the constipation side of the cycle. Ugh. But yes, I know every bathroom on campus intimately, it seems.

And ng, thanks for the info about dumping syndrome. It's interesting to see it's connected with hypoglycemia, as I'm hypoglycemic too. THAT one is really fun, though it only rears its head on days when I am not careful about eating regularly. I get super cranky and stupid. I try to carry a snack with me everywhere so it doesn't happen, but there are sometimes when I am caught without a snack.
If I am not better, at least I am different. --Jean-Jacques Rousseau
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Old 11-03-2009, 09:03 AM   #18 (permalink)
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Location: In a galaxy far far away
Oh man...From now on, I will thank God for having my body functioning properly...Or I won't but that wasn't the point.
That's the spirit!
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Old 11-03-2009, 10:36 AM   #19 (permalink)
lostgirl's Avatar
Location: Edge of the deep green sea
Originally Posted by ZombieSquirrel View Post
My period will either show up days early or days later just to coincide with my vacation. It's inevitable. I have learned to always pack tampons and Midol. My girlie bits hate me.
This happens to me all the time. I still didn't learn to go prepared when I went to Spain, because it was supposedly a few weeks away.
We're about to go through the crucible, but we'll come out the other side.
We always arise from our own ashes. Everything returns later in its changed form. - Children of Dune
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Old 11-03-2009, 12:12 PM   #20 (permalink)
Knight of the Old Republic
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Location: Winston-Salem, NC
My body attempts to get rid of all turd in my system when I'm nervous, ahead of schedule. It forces it out and it makes me go to the bathroom (or feel like I have to) about 2 hours before the event. When the event is over, the urge is totally gone, even if I had to shit beforehand.
"A Darwinian attacks his theory, seeking to find flaws. An ID believer defends his theory, seeking to conceal flaws." -Roger Ebert
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