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Old 03-12-2009, 11:23 AM   #1 (permalink)
Location: Reality
When to start dating after a break up

Wondering about everyone's opinion on this.

I just had my first break-up. We had been together over two years. I had already been considering breaking up a few months ago, but decided to talk to her and try to work things out. Basically, I'm already ready to move on since this has been on my mind for a long time.

I know she's not though. We're going to try to remain living together as friends, so I also don't want to burn any bridges.

So, when do you think is the appropiate time to begin seeing someone else? I'm not exactly looking for advice, but am curious about everybody's feelings on the subject.

I really don't have an answer yet.

There's the whole "you have separate lives now" view in which some people think it's ok to be with someone the day after you break up.
This obviously wouldn't work if you don't want to hurt and piss off your ex.

Then there's the "you should wait until the person is ready" view, but this obviously doesn't lend itself to infinity. There would have to be a point where you tell your ex "I've moved on and you need to too".

Please share any experiences/thoughts
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Old 03-12-2009, 12:47 PM   #2 (permalink)
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First off, a bit off subject. I think the live together as friends idea is a bad one. It will just make it harder for either of you to move on.

When to start dating again, I think, really depends on the situation. There are a lot of things to take into account. I've had relationships that lasted a few months and when they were over I was instantly ready to move on. Then I've had relationships that were longer and had a bigger impact on my life and definitely took a lot longer to get over.

For example, the longest relationship I've ever been in lasted three years. When it was over I realized I was completely dependent, and felt I needed to have a relationship in my life or else I couldn't function. I realized I had to get over that and become independent before I could have a healthy relationship with any body.

It took over a year for me to start dating again. It just really depends on how your life has been impacted.
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Old 03-12-2009, 01:33 PM   #3 (permalink)
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One would absolutely have to NOT live together after a two year relationship and a break up. Until one finds a new place to live, the OP is moot. I foresee you holding off dating to spare her sensitivities, only to walk in on her humping a football team in your shared living room. "We're friends, what do you care?" What a recipe for bad mental health.
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Old 03-12-2009, 02:26 PM   #4 (permalink)
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Location: Massachusetts
Oh yeah, dating right after a break-up while still living with that someone who has clearly not gotten over the break-up = recipe for drama!

At the very least, do not date until you've discussed it with her. She deserves to find out from you, not friends, and certainly not coming home to witness it first hand.
"Never regret something that once made you smile."
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Old 03-12-2009, 02:40 PM   #5 (permalink)
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Location: Oregon
Originally Posted by Punk.of.Ages View Post
It took over a year for me to start dating again. It just really depends on how your life has been impacted.
Pretty much. The answer is going to be different, depending on the situation. When you feel ready to move on, you'll move on.

And yeah, move out as soon as you can. You're just asking for trouble if you stay where you are, and you're also stunting your ability to move on by staying.
If I am not better, at least I am different. --Jean-Jacques Rousseau
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Old 03-13-2009, 12:20 AM   #6 (permalink)
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I think the appropriate answer is "when are you comfortable operating on your own outside of the relationship?". This is extremely hard to do when you live with the ex.

After a breakup I recommend getting yourself in order before seriously dating. Now, casual sex is a different thing.

Either way, I'd find a way to at least move out. If you still want to be "friends" after moving away that's fine, but walking in on one or the other with a date is probably the most awkward experience for exes (friends or no).
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Old 03-13-2009, 02:07 AM   #7 (permalink)
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Location: on the other side
Living with your ex is a terrible idea...does all sorts of bad things to your head.

Answer to the question, 'when?' I say, whenever you feel ready. There's no rules really. The essence of relationships and love are feelings and desires, not really rational things. Though of course it's good to keep your head!
Whether we write or speak or do but look
We are ever unapparent. What we are
Cannot be transfused into word or book.
Our soul from us is infinitely far.
However much we give our thoughts the will
To be our soul and gesture it abroad,
Our hearts are incommunicable still.
In what we show ourselves we are ignored.
The abyss from soul to soul cannot be bridged
By any skill of thought or trick of seeming.
Unto our very selves we are abridged
When we would utter to our thought our being.
We are our dreams of ourselves, souls by gleams,
And each to each other dreams of others' dreams.

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Old 03-13-2009, 04:00 AM   #8 (permalink)
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Location: Yucatan, Mexico
Living with an Ex is the worst idea in the history of human existence. It's mind bogglingly painful and will fuck with your head in fun, new and unlimited ways daily.

Not that I have any experience with this exercise in insanity. Mental blocking, try it. It works!
I used to drink to drown my sorrows, but the damned things have learned how to swim- Frida Kahlo

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Old 03-13-2009, 09:48 AM   #9 (permalink)
Location: Reality
Man people's reactions are never good to the whole trying to remain friends and live together. I didn't put in my original post, but we're both graduating in a few months so this situation will likely last 3ish months. It is temporary. Also, I have already conceded to the fact that I won't be bringing anyone back to my place. Whatever, I can deal with that. I understand the cards I am dealing myself and the game I am playing. I'm a pretty level-headed person and good at dealing with huge amounts of stress. I'm not really worried about myself at all in the whole trying to live together idea we have. At worse, we'll fight and end up moving to separate places (we're on a month-month lease) -- if so, almost everyone I talked was right and I simply delayed the inevitable. I don't think it will bother me too much other than losing her as a future friend and missing opportunities I might have had with people due to delaying moving out.

I think I should clarify for some people, I'm not really asking when people think I will feel ok to move on....I'm pretty much already there. I'm wondering what are people's opinions on when it is appropiate/decent to start dating again while showing respect to your old relationship/giving the other person enough time. I understand it's fairly complex, so I'm not looking for a specific amount of time to grant permission or something, but just wondering about what everyone else thinks about it.

Shaindra -
I think talking beforehand and not letting her find out from friends (or any 3rd party) is a really good point. Thank you.
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Old 03-13-2009, 09:58 AM   #10 (permalink)
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Location: Fauxenix, Azerona
1.) You can start dating someone the day you break up. Or before. Or a week after. Whatever you want. If she wants to be with you, nothing that you do to get yourself away from her and with someone else is going to cushion that blow, ESPECIALLY if you guys are still living together.

2.)What 'living together but not dating' means in real life: You (and she) would have no grounds to object if the other person in the former relationship invited 5 members of the opposite sex over for an orgy/sleepover, as long as it was quiet and contained in the bedroom (Which I assume you're not sharing.....are you? It just occurred to me you're probably still sharing a bed.)

3.) You have lost her as a friend. Sorry. At least for a year or so. I've found that it has been really hard to be friends with my most recent ex girlfriends. Once we each have another relationship under our belts, and they're not 'The Ex,' then and only then have friendships worked.
twisted no more
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Old 03-13-2009, 10:35 AM   #11 (permalink)
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Location: Near Raleigh, NC
Originally Posted by The Magic View Post
Man people's reactions are never good to the whole trying to remain friends and live together. I didn't put in my original post, but we're both graduating in a few months so this situation will likely last 3ish months. It is temporary. .
I'd wait the 3-ish months then. If you have any feelings for her at all, you will not date someone in front of her. Especially if she wasn't completely OK with the breakup. Respect her and hold yer weiner for a few months, then move out, then move on.
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Old 03-13-2009, 12:14 PM   #12 (permalink)
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Location: Nofe Curolina
I'd just keep sleeping with her, then drop her like a bad habit when move out day comes. Then again, I've never been one for sensitive, elegant solutions, but it's a solution nevertheless.
Living in the United Socialist States of America.
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Old 03-13-2009, 04:52 PM   #13 (permalink)
heh, whatever you decide, i think you might want to avoid telling a new girl that you are still living with the ex you just broke up with. talk about planting the seed of insecurity. you are planting an entire freaking insecurity tree.

wait until you move out if you can, or make sure you go out with a chick who absolutely doesn't care that you are still living with your most recent bang buddy. and dont go home drunk. she just might take advantage of you.......

or go home drunk
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break, dating, start

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