Plan9

No, this isn't a thread about my need to compensate for my smooth spot. Although I'd like to thank Jazz for sending me another pack of Ballpark hotdogs.

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A'ight, soooo... what does TFP think about friendship / dating / relationships with people who are missing something? Ya know, stuff most of us take for granted... like having both arms or legs, for example. I'm interested to see the perspective of the TFP on this topic.

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TFP is very open-minded and gung ho and all that, so I figure this may be another Ah-Look-Well-Crompsin-Tried (TM) thread... but on the odd chance anybody has any personal experience, I'd like to hear it. I've got friends that lost their parts in the sandbox and I've gone on dates with girls who weren't "all there" in a very non-traditional sense. This thread isn't strictly about dating, but I liked the lame attempt at a catchy title so I stuck with it. I would like the thread to reflect family / friends / coworkers as well as current or potential snoggin' buddies.

My personal philosophy is that as long as the artificially-appendaged person is physically active and doesn't use their "disability" as a crutch for being a flaming asshole or a personal pity-party starter, it's a non-issue. I've seen over and over that we are not the sum of our parts. Quite literally.

A lotta potential facets to this thread: How would you feel about being friends with or dating someone who's missing parts? Ever been surprised by it? What's too much? Is it okay if it's a car accident or the result of military misadventure? Is it not okay if it's a birth defect and you want kids? Is it more okay to be missing a leg and still walking? Are wheelchairs a deal breaker? Does it gross you out? Are you secretly scared of claws and nubs?

Be honest. It's okay to be a shallow jerkface.

I gotta know.

Thoughts?

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"Oh, baby... take it off."

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Martian

I've never dated a girl who had a prosthesis, but I'm not opposed to the idea. Granted, Magpie might be, but for the purposes of this discussion we're going to ignore that little snag.

Honestly? I think I might be weirded out at first, but if she has other redeeming qualities than I'd be willing to just suck it up. Eventually it becomes normal. People can adapt to anything.

Of course, the other side is that it needs to be compatible with my lifestyle. I love walking and generally moving about, and if a person can't keep up with me it's going to cause a lot of strain. This is less a function of the disfigurement itself, though, and more a function of how it's handled.

Interesting aside: Magpie hardly walked anywhere before we started dating. Physical activity is contagious.

I'm not the complainin' type as a rule, and I don't want to listen to anyone bitch about their problems. Life's hard all over; I realize that dealing with something like this is difficult, but anyone who is negative about it or uses it as an excuse is allowing it to rule them. I don't want to be around a person like that, as a friend or a lover.

For the jerkfaces out there, if you don't want to own up to your jerkfacedness, take note of the 'Make Post Anonymously' checkbox in the upper right corner.

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The_Jazz

Is it bad that I read this as

I'll be honest, I'd have to think about it. And to be brutally honest, when I first met the person, I'd have a very hard time NOT thinking about the prosthesis the whole time. I've cold-called folks with fake legs and arms, and that can be tough to get through since you're meeting the person for the first time and trying to sell them on you, but you don't want to ask potentially embarrasing questions. I can't imagine I'd be any better on a first date.

Once I got past the awkwardness, though, I don't really see it as being a big deal.

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PonyPotato

I've been on a date with a guy who had a birth defect and essentially only had an upper arm. He didn't wear a prosthesis.

I haven't had the opportunity to go on a date with anyone with a prosthesis, nor anyone in a wheelchair. I'd have more issue with dating someone confined to a wheelchair than someone with a prosthetic limb - my apartment isn't wheelchair accessible.

One of my friends, on dating sites, states: "I don't have herpes or diabetes, I have all of my fingers and toes, and I've been to college." I find it amusing, but I never really thought further about the "all of my fingers and toes" part.

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Iliftrocks

Funniest frickin title ever.

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dlish

she-lishs' friend was dating a guy who lost his hand from the wrist in an accident.

i met him at a wedding reception we were all invited to, so naturally shook his hand which turned out to be a prosthetic.

it was quite weird, and i thought about it all night. at one point he took it off, and put it on the table which i thought was uncomfortable with everyone sitting there. it got quite annoying in the end, because his fake hand is all people were thinking about (although no one said a thing). in the end i had to someone long they had been together, and then turned around and asked "so whens' he gonna ask for her hand?"

was quite funny at the time, but i wouldnt do it to someones face. its was pretty lame nwo i think about it.

back to the OP - i dont think i could date someone with a prosthetic. but if the limb was lost during the relationship, i guess thats a different matter altogether

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new man

I saw a woman last week jogging slowly on her prosthetic limb, below the knee. Last time I went skiing, in Keystone in the beginning of April, I saw a middle-aged man skiing on one ski with three or four of his friends. Yeah, he fell down and also took more breaks, but they understood and waited for him. The fact that he was out there doing it was awesome. There is a guy on the skiing forum that I frequent that was paralyzed in Iraq from the waist down. So he monoskis. While competing in the X-games this past winter he broke a femur. Did not realize it with no working nerves. Now he has been picked up by a production company to do a show on different activities like downhill mountain wheelchair racing, and seated waterskiing. His motto is "Die Living". And he has a girlfriend. I guess it boils down to how someone is willing to approach life.

Reese

Things missing doesn't really affect my view of the person at all. I grew up knowing plenty of people that were somewhat different. My cousin's friend had a short arm and only a few fingers on it, My family worked in the logging and sawmilling business so I met a lot of people early on missing thumbs and shit because they wacked it off with a chainsaw or something. My uncle had some muscle disease which I can't even pronounce that made his bones twisted and he was in a wheelchair. He died while I was REALLY young but I saw lots of pictures and grew accustomed to it. I've known people with large port wine stains on their faces and I've known many people in wheelchairs for various reasons. I won't say I don't even notice something because a peg leg stick and an eye patch stick out like 38DD boobs and lord knows I'd glance at those a few times.

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Grasshopper Green

I went on a date in high school with a guy who had something wrong with his leg - I'm not sure if he had a prosthesis or not, but there was something mechanical going on. Anyway, we went to a dance with a group of other kids, and the date was a disaster. It wasn't because of his leg - it was because he had a friend that was a complete dickhead. That was our one and only date. He was actually a very nice guy and is one of the few people from high school I'd actually care to run into somewhere.

I'm married, but if I wasn't I don't think it would bother me to date someone with a prosthesis. I think I'd be curious at first and worry about offending them by asking questions, but I wouldn't dismiss them because of a missing body part.

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cj2112

It's not quite a limb, but the pic is my hand. I lost half of my middle finger in a table saw accident at work about 10 years ago. I hardly notice it's gone, and many people don't notice it unless it's pointed out to them or comes up in conversation.

My ex wife had a mild case of Cerebral Palsy that affected her left side. It didn't make any difference to me. Before that I dated a girl who was legally blind. Everybody has issues. Be they physical or mental, we all have problems.

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Xerxys

LOL, great title ...

I've dated a girl who was missing the last sectionof her right pinkie. From the nail up. Never noticed it when I first met her until two weeks later when she asked why I never said anything then I asked about it. She told me she slammed it on the door when she was 8. Sent a violent shiver down my spine just thinking about the pain.

To be honest, I will only think of the prosthesis at first. But I don't think it would bother me afterwards.

ItWasMe

I have never dated anyone with a missing limb or prosthesis. I did have a friend in school who had a prosthetic leg from the hip down. I didn't know it until I was standing on his foot one day and apologized. He said, "that's okay, I can't feel it" and showed me his leg. It was no big deal for me.

I did date a guy who was deaf a couple of times. I didn't speak sign language, and he didn't read lips. We had to write everything down. He had awful penmanship and spelling, and I had a hard time figuring out what he was saying. It didn't last long.

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Plan9

Threadsurrection!

Given my current occupation and some strange happenings back at home, I got to thinking about this thread again.

Super Amazing New Question:

If you were in a long term relationship and your partner was injured and lost a limb as a result, how you would adjust to their new disability?

Is this a dealbreaker? While on the surface it seems like an asshole move, perhaps it's something that'll ruin your relationship in the long run.

Let's assume it prevents you from doing the things you love (like running, dancing, rock climbing or cage fighting) with your significant other.

The kind of bitterness that would develop over time as a result of being with someone who can't participate in your life is reasonable enough.

While the obvious answer would be to do such activities without your partner or learn to share new activities, doesn't that defeat the purpose?

Thoughts?

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snowy

No, not a dealbreaker. Whatever the problem is, my husband and I will get through it together. It would take a LOT for an injury like that to prevent him from doing the things he loves. Plus, I've found that our interests tend to dovetail together in general, not just our more active pursuits, so I'm confident even if he were to end up disabled, we'd find things to do that we enjoyed together.

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Jinn

This season's Suvivor (I know, I know) had a leg-amputee and she kicked major ass.. better than most of the other competitors. It's a shame she had a target on the back for the leg, because I honestly think she could've won:


Sometimes being an amputee can make you an even stronger person, more driven and dedicated than people who take all their limbs, literally, for granted.

You couldn't see it at first:



But as soon as she put on a bikini and detached her fake leg to get into the water, people started noticing. It's a shame how people reacted, really.

My answer is that I wouldn't be bothered at all, myself. Bluntly, it'd have a hell of a lot more to do with whether I was attracted to them or not..

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Cimarron29414

Jinn,

Not, "people"...person. One person, that cunt Naonka. She spread that poison.

One of my best friends in a chair from a surfing accident. It's been ten years. He gets dates and has had some really hot girlfriends. I always have special affection for the girls that date him. He's been pretty lucky, finding girls that like him as he is and don't just date him to get points in heaven.

Just so you gals are in the know: just because a guy is in a chair doesn't mean he isn't a fully functional Death Star. My buddy's pecker works just fine, no medication. It's funny to go to a strip club, and watch the lap dancer do her thing and get poked - "Weren't expecting that, were ya'!" The looks on their faces are priceless.

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Plan9

Nice, Cimarron. Your use of "fully functional Death Star" just earned you a beer if we ever meet up.

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Whatever you can carry.

"You should not drink... and bake."

tasineah

I am a walking disaster zone.

I lost control of a gas power hand held fence auger and almost tore off my right arm. I have some limitations now to that arm and shoulder now.
li
I fell off a horse, detached my retinas, broke my tailbone, bruised ribs, had a serious serious head concussion, lost my hearing in left ear for two weeks and still have problems with balance and sitting.

I was sitting at a red light in my car when I was hit by a semi first in the front, then the back. It herniated 4 of my back discs. My back goes out on a regular basis and yes, it limits how flexible I am.

I had a hiatal hernia repaired...and discovered it collapsed one of my lungs. I cant breath when I am bent in any direction. During sex I often lose my breath and almost pass out. CD has instructions NOT to call an ambulance unless I dont start breathing again once he unfolds me.

I dont have prosthetics but I have wicked "accidents" that have led to serious limits...I still have a helluva sex life and never had a lack of partners. And no one ever complained either.

I did have a partner leave me when I was recovering from my shoulder/arm accident. She couldnt wait for me to be "available" so she found an internet fuck. That woman ended up leaving her like she left me, then she wanted to come back. Not a chance.

If my partner was hurt and could not perform temporarily or permanently sexually or in another way, I would not wander. Been there, had it done to me and it sucked. SUCKED. Love is love and by god, look at everything I have been thru and can still be creative in and out of bed. When I love, I love completely and as long as I am wanted.

good topic, Plan9

PS: I have no visible marks or signs of my injuries. You would never be able to tell what I have been thru unless you were in bed with me...and then you just have to be aware of my directives...but then, you should anyway...lol...

StanT

My wife has two working vertebrae, one on top, one on the bottom. The rest are fused with a pair of titanium rods.She seems to get around OK.



She worked hard to relearn skiing; but she is able to compensate for no upper body rotation.

I get to drive in heavy traffic, her ability to rotate and see 360° is non-existent. We also had to downgrade her motorcycle. An 1100 with no flexibility wasn't working, she has an 800, now.


Seems like a "keeper" to me.

amonkie

While I don't have a prothesis, I do have a hearing aid and a mild (I'm told) monotone sounding voice. My hair is quite long now, and as a kid I definitely wore it down as much as possible to hide my hearing aid.

I haven't had anyone ever tell me that my hearing was a deal breaker, but it does impact my interactions to some degree. When I have to take it out because of where I am (ie water sports) it significantly impacts my ability to be social, and if that is where I meet people their perception of my abilities will be different than if they are interacting with me 1 on 1 in a quiet controlled by me setting.

I read lips, and so because of this I often look directly at people's faces for extended periods of times. It make some people uncomfortable, especially if they are mumblers.

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ZombieSquirrel

I'd say I wouldn't have a problem, but I've never been in that position. I think I wouldn't mind the legless as much as the armless/handless. I like being touched.

As someone who has her MS ride picked out, I don't have a problem with anyone in a wheel chair. I hope anyone that would choose to be legally bound to me until death do us part understands that I will most likely end up in a chariot if I don't die of cancer first. Gonna paint some flames on it and race the neighborhood kids on their bikes.

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