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Old 07-05-2009, 01:22 AM   #1 (permalink)
Relationship help! Long distance relationships and meeting for the first time

First off, I would have posted this is the probably more appropriate sexuality board, but it wouldn't let me start a new topic there for whatever reason. So I'm sorry for being a little off-base. Now on to business.

Basically I've been in a psuedo-long distance relationship for a while now and it has finally culminating in myself and the girl meeting and I'm intensely nervous about how it is going to work out.

I'm 19, but have had the experience of a 9 year old in terms of dating, having only ever gone on one date in my life (and it was terrible) and never even having had a first kiss, let alone anything more. The girl I'm meeting will be turning 18 in the same week that we meet and has had the relationship and sexual experience of a 28 year old. This is the first point that really makes me nervous. Of course she's understanding of it, but thats irrelivent to me when I'm trying hard to make a good impression.

We met on an online game and since then have been talking on AIM from anywhere from one to four or five hours almost every day for nearly eight months. We've shared a ton of our deepest darkest secrets with eacher and even spent a little bit of time on a webcam (non-sexually) trying to overcome our mutual shyness. I like her intensely and she knows it. She knows I think of the relationship we have as the closest thing to a real couple that it can be without actually being called that. But unfortunately, she is very on the edge about how she feels in return. She likes me a fair deal.. but the long-distance factor is a turn off for her because of her experience and cravings and because she was raised to think that kind of thing was wrong. For these last eight months, I've been almost pleading with her not to do anything with any other guy and try to think of me as something closer to a boyfriend and not just a very close friend. She is still unsure despite depriving herself of sex, etc. for all this time for my sake and says that we have to meet in person for her to really make up her mind. Understandable, ofc.

But that's what scares me so much. She's such a social butterfly and so smooth in any social situation and I'm so inexperienced and naturally very very shy. I'm not sure what kind of impression that I'm going to make on her when we get to meet. I just know that I'm so crazy about this girl and I don't want anything to go wrong. I want to drive away from our time together with her assurance that we can continue on this same basic path and then one day be together for real.

Our meeting is in approximately six weeks from today. It isn't the most ideal time for us to do this, but there isn't any other opportunity unless we want to wait another four months, almost and even that isn't a certain opportunity. We both start college in the fall, mine starting about three weeks later than hers. So during that three week difference, my plan is to drive almost 500 miles across a few states to see her during her first week of college when its all the intro days to class and other BS and she can afford to spend time with her mind in the clouds. I would have to stay in a hotel room and probably be there for five or six days, spending time with her during any opportunity after classes (of which hers end around noon each day) and hopefully on the weekend. This arrangement definitely sucks, but it was truly the only way we could meet, unfortunately, due to many circumstances. But I'll take what I can get. I'll do anything for her.

The things I'm afraid of are obviously that I'll be too shy and make a bad impression or come off as boring. The college is right outside of a rather small town whose biggest attraction is "the world's biggest statue of something stupid" (sorry, trying not to give out personal details). It seems like a very boring place and I just don't know what to do seem interesting and entertain her while I'm there. It is easy for me to be fun online where I have the internet as a resource and other such things, but not so much in real life in a small town when I'm so inexperienced. To be honest, as much as I've looked forward to this meeting, its starting to scare me shitless. We of course also plan to get physical during this time -- another thing that is starting to make me a little uneasy, despite how much I've wanted to do this with her, too. She finds me sexually interesting because I have a lot of kinky fantasies.. but I'm worried that if I try to use that as a strong point for why she should like me that it will just turn into a trip that is totally sex-based and otherwise meaningless. That's not at all what I want.

I'm looking for any kind of advice that people can give me about what to do and how to act and such and even tips for the first time doing the dirty with a girl. "Just be yourself" isn't something that will cut it. As I mentioned, her 18th birthday is going to take place during that same week, but she'll have already moved into her dorm and be 1.5 hours away from her family and friends. I'll really be the only one there to help celebrate it, so I've got to do something special for her, but I can't even begin to think of what. She has a hard time accepting compliments and enjoying romantic things because she thinks they're too cheesey. But I have such a hopeless romantic personality. I'm so lost! Please help me with ideas of what we can do to have fun in such a small town and with what I can do to really make her think I'm the one for her, that I'm worth bearing the long-distance aspect of the relationship. I'm grasping at threads here! I have six weeks to prepare, but I'm worried that all I'll be able to do during that time is shit buckets of bricks worrying about it all. Please hel!

If you want/need any additional information, I'll be glad to supply.

Last edited by MinorFatality; 07-05-2009 at 01:30 AM..
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Old 07-05-2009, 01:54 AM   #2 (permalink)
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Location: Central Central Florida
No matter how many times you've talked, webcammed, emailed and texted, you only know what she's told you. You're both very young, and whether she's The One or not, make sure you set up expectations well before you meet, so that there are none. Takes the pressure off of you both. And use protection for sex. You don't want babies and no matter what she says, you don't know where she's been. On the other hand, she may truly be as nervous as you are.

That said, if she's truly who you think she is and you're not a blinded romantic, places you feel are boring will look different when you're with someone you care about. Shopping malls, parks, the river, pond, or the woods ... It won't matter. If it does, have a getaway plan.

Good luck. Don't prepare, other than to take deep breaths. Keep expectations of one another in the reality zřne and you'll be fine.
We are always more anxious to be distinguished for a talent which we do not possess, than to be praised for the fifteen which we do possess.
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Old 07-05-2009, 02:01 AM   #3 (permalink)
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Location: Eastcoast USA
...the first thing i would do is cut your visit in half...at least....3 days tops. You may not hit it off from the getgo and then what. A guy told me once that he did what you are doing but it was only for 3 days...and he said it was uncomfortable and tedious to be together once they realized it wasn't working...which was immediately.

...i hate to be negative but you need to protect your heart by lowering your expectations. She has been honest to say that she doesn't have the same feelings for you (until all I's are dotted and T's are crossed...maybe) and not all that wild about settling down to one guy (she's young and just starting college...she's ready to experience all it has to offer sounds like).

...take it slow...and start from the beginning because reality is a whole different ball of wax. I would even go so far as to say, don't necessarily anticipate sex. Focus on developing a friendship first...if you want this to last.

...may all go well for you
..."Say what you think. Those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind" ~ Dr. Seuss
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Old 07-05-2009, 03:56 AM   #4 (permalink)
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This is a tough one. You seem to be asking us for ideas on what to do when you meet, but then also what we think of the whole situation.

I'll start by saying that LDR's suck, and the younger you are, the harder it will be to keep going. I also wonder if maybe you're a lot more excited than she is? Did she suggest you meet on the first week of college or did you? Seems like an odd time to want to meet. I guess these things are never very rational.

I agree with Shell that you should lower expectations. She could be The One, or she could not. Maybe you think she's awesome, but it could be a passing thing, and there are lots of amazing girls out there, trust me. You're so young, I think you should keep things open and if it works, great, if it doesn't that's ok too. At 19, you have all your life ahead of you.

I don't think you should worry about being boring or trying to make yourself be different than you are. Can you seriously tell me you can handle, and want to be in, a relationship where you can't be yourself and want what you want? It doesn't work if right off the bat you're trying to be someone you're not. It just means that later, when you relax and are more natural, you'll be setting her up to be disappointed because she's come to expect the facade and not the reality. Do you feel that you've been honest with her and really shown her your true self so far? If she wants to meet you that badly, and knows you relatively well, right now it's more about whether physical interaction and harmony will happen than anything else.

I'm not talking about sex. I'm talking about sharing space, being with each other, watching each other, talking in person. Sex comes after that.

Inevitably, from lack of experience, you will likely fumble. You're not going to suddenly turn into Don Juan and know what to do. But maybe if she's so experienced, she will like to take control for a while and show you the ropes. It may be fun. Like Shell said, stay protected! Very, very important.

Date ideas - not knowing this girl, or her tastes, it's hard to say. She doesn't like things to get too corny? Take her hiking somewhere beautiful, it's an active date so there's more rawness to it, take along a blanket and some wine so later you can hang out in the wilderness together. Other active types of dates could be fun. Paintball? Rock-climbing? If they're available where you're going. If she's not the corny type, I'd say originality and a fun date are the ticket. Not sure on dates for the whole week, but maybe once you get to know her your anxiety will die down and it won't matter so much what you do as long as you're together. Good luck!
Whether we write or speak or do but look
We are ever unapparent. What we are
Cannot be transfused into word or book.
Our soul from us is infinitely far.
However much we give our thoughts the will
To be our soul and gesture it abroad,
Our hearts are incommunicable still.
In what we show ourselves we are ignored.
The abyss from soul to soul cannot be bridged
By any skill of thought or trick of seeming.
Unto our very selves we are abridged
When we would utter to our thought our being.
We are our dreams of ourselves, souls by gleams,
And each to each other dreams of others' dreams.

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Old 07-05-2009, 06:42 AM   #5 (permalink)
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Location: Ohio!
I agree with little_tippler: choosing to meet her during the first week of classes during her first year of college is just ridiculous. She can't actually afford to spend her time with her head in the clouds, as you put it. She will be meeting new people, getting to know her roommates, learning her class schedule, learning campus, and in general she will be a bit frazzled but excited. If you throw yourself in there and demand her time, she will probably be pissed/resentful that you are detracting from her time to get settled in college and make new friends.

I really think you should rethink your timing, if not rethink the entire thing. And definitely don't go for more than a couple days! Wait until after her first week of classes, at the very least. Entering college while in a "relationship" generally doesn't work unless you're both going to the same school or two schools close to each other.

I'd keep her as a friend but pursue women close to you. Even if she's super awesome, you don't REALLY know her, and you won't get to truly know her over long distance unless she's willing to make the same investments you are, and it doesn't sound like she is.

Good luck, whatever you do.
"Without passion man is a mere latent force and possibility, like the flint which awaits the shock of the iron before it can give forth its spark."
— Henri-Frédéric Amiel
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Old 07-05-2009, 06:50 AM   #6 (permalink)
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Location: Winston-Salem, NC
The only advice I can give you is that LDRs suck donkey dick. If both of you are 10000% committed then it will work out, but if one if you is even SLIGHTLY unhappy about anything in the relationship once it starts, be prepared for it to crumble overnight.
"A Darwinian attacks his theory, seeking to find flaws. An ID believer defends his theory, seeking to conceal flaws." -Roger Ebert
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Old 07-05-2009, 07:28 AM   #7 (permalink)
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Do NOT do this her first week of school. Just really DON'T.
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Old 07-05-2009, 07:32 AM   #8 (permalink)
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Originally Posted by ratbastid View Post
Do NOT do this her first week of school. Just really DON'T.
I feel the need to emphasize this again.
"Without passion man is a mere latent force and possibility, like the flint which awaits the shock of the iron before it can give forth its spark."
— Henri-Frédéric Amiel
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Old 07-05-2009, 09:53 AM   #9 (permalink)
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This is the worst idea I've ever heard. And I know a thing or two about bad ideas.
Living in the United Socialist States of America.
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Old 07-06-2009, 06:16 AM   #10 (permalink)
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Originally Posted by Bear Cub View Post
This is the worst idea I've ever heard. And I know a thing or two about bad ideas.
I wouldn't say it's the worst idea I've ever heard - I once went for a run down the main street of Gainesville, FL naked at 4:30 in the morning.

But it's in the top 10.
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Old 07-06-2009, 06:49 AM   #11 (permalink)
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Location: Winston-Salem, NC
Yeah I would also have to agree with this. Meeting her during the 1st week of college is....just a bad, bad idea.
"A Darwinian attacks his theory, seeking to find flaws. An ID believer defends his theory, seeking to conceal flaws." -Roger Ebert
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Old 07-06-2009, 06:59 AM   #12 (permalink)
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If you're going to go the first week of school (bad idea) only stay for a day .. maybe two at the most.

if you've waited this long you can wait another 4 months and not fuck up school to start with.
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Old 07-06-2009, 07:16 AM   #13 (permalink)
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Originally Posted by The_Jazz View Post
I once went for a run down the main street of Gainesville, FL naked at 4:30 in the morning.
So... hey... what was your 4 mile time?


Young love knows no bounds... except car rides, phone calls, and texts at 3 AM.

Numerous egghead scientists in pristine white lab coats with big bushy Nietzsche 'staches have conclusively shown that, within two standard deviations, cherry college kids are incapable of maintaining LDRs. So don't do it. Don't try it. Don't even think about it. It's all bad and your mother shoulda warned you. It's totally happened to all of us. I dated a girl that lived 90 minutes away for a year... then I upgraded to a girl that lived on the other side of the country. Both were a huge waste of time / effort / money for Teen Crompsin. I was looking for company, conversation, and carnal pleasure... I learned those can be had anywhere. Far better to explore the pool of potential voomen you're currently in over attempting to commute for just one who's clearly gonna be busy.

OP, brother, we gotta talk. This long distance relationship thing is totally not something you should be getting into. It's like sick puppy syndrome for both parties... it's cute for about 20 seconds, then it's akin to cell time with Hannibal Lecter. Nothing says FAIL bigger than a college kid in a LDR. One side will inevitably cave to the "This is a waste of my time," monster. You can't be there for her, she can't be there for you... and lemme tell ya something I learned real good as I was signing divorce paperwork in the middle of the desert: if you can't be there in the beginning, you're no good. LDRs are tough but doable (and often necessary) for couples that have been together for extended periods of time. Career, family, additional schooling make Adult LDRs happen.

As you said yourself: you're young and inexperienced. Remedy that first. You need to get on a free dating site (OkCupid.com / PlentyOfFish.com) or cultivate a hobby / activity (karate / ceramics) where you can meet girls your age or a little older who live no further than (maybe) 45 minutes away. Think new activities and new people (not just girls, not just bipedal sexual favor dispensers) over relationships. Don't enter a date expecting round two. Hell, based on my experience despite my level of ineptitude... you'll probably end up in the sack with half of them on the third date. You're 19... don't even tell me that isn't your real goal underneath that hormonal tsunami you call feelings.

Best way to get experience is fail, fail, fail. Go out on a dozen shitty dates. Stick to being yourself at all times. It's hard, but you'll develop experience in knowing what you want and the circumstances that make it worthwhile. Don't step over the potential winners in your back yard on your way out to look for something down the highway.
Whatever you can carry.

"You should not drink... and bake."

Last edited by Plan9; 07-06-2009 at 08:06 AM..
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Old 07-08-2009, 10:18 AM   #14 (permalink)
Location: venice beach, ca
the post above mine was copascetic to what i was thinking. you're already in a loppy position where this girl you're going to see 1) is busy and 2) is unsure about how she feels about you. in short you are a dickless wonder in that equation. you are the chia pet on her desk, completely at her whim and beck and call. you need to go out and get yourself some MOJO son. and the good news is that you're at the perfect age to do it. for fucks sake, at 19, girls will sleep with you if you just say the right things, based on nothing more than your personality, a couple shared beliefs, and a funny story or 2. you just have to value yourself going in enough to think that your worth hooking up with... and the good news THERE is that everyone is one way or another. worth it, that is.

so it's time to look at girls like lottery tickets and go out and scratch a few with a nice shiny nickel. you'll end up tossing or being tossed by a few, but eventually you'll win 2 dollars, and you can build from there.
-my phobia drowned while i was gettin down.
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Old 07-08-2009, 11:05 AM   #15 (permalink)
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Location: ....a state of pure inebriation.
Dude, you are putting way too much pressure on yourself here; not even to mention her. You met this girl on the interwebz a few months ago. Trust me, you don't even begin to truly know her. She is not The One, and putting her in the position of control that has you "doing anything for her" is not healthy. That's called desperation, man. You haven't had the best of luck with the ladies in the past and this chick is throwing you a bone, so you are latching on to her like a lost puppy. I've been in the same place many times. It never works out and just breeds a lot of unnecessary pseudo-heartache.

Now, don't get me wrong here. I'm not saying forget this girl. I say go meet her. It has great potential to be a fun trip and good experience, if nothing else. Before you go, though, you need to take a step back and realize you're not in love, and you still have a lot to learn about this girl. You need to drop that expectation that you're going to find your soul mate waiting for you. It's unrealistic. Just go to have fun and see a friend, and let it progress from there. Let it ride, man. That will make it a better experience for you and her.

What's your hurry, anyhow? You're 19. You should be playing the field and testing your options at this point in life. Not holding yourself for some girl 500 miles away who you might not even like as much as you think you do at the end of the day...

Good luck, man, and watch your heart. You're leading it into dangerous territory.
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Old 07-08-2009, 07:30 PM   #16 (permalink)
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Originally Posted by The_Jazz View Post
I wouldn't say it's the worst idea I've ever heard - I once went for a run down the main street of Gainesville, FL naked at 4:30 in the morning.

But it's in the top 10.
Oh, do tell. I want to hear the story behind this, and I know there is a good one.
Quiet, mild-mannered souls might just turn out to be roaring lions of two-fisted cool.
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