rymetymeuk

Hey all

I'm new to this forum and am searching for some advice, so any replies will be much appreciated.

I think that my 2yr marriage is over, and it's my fault- I don't respect my wife anymore and I'm just not happy.
She hasn't cheated or anything like that, i'll explain in brief.
I came to the USA from the UK 2 yrs ago to marry the girl i was in a long distance relationship with for 3 yrs. I thought that it was taking a chance, since we had in total spent around 1 year of full on time together.
It was great for around a year, but when she graduated school in December, she really has no motivation to do much positive stuff.
I have been working my butt off since I got here, i am enrolled in school for an AAS whilst studying in my free time, and working full time. She hasn't once gotten off her behind to get any kind of job, and instead got hooked on playing World of Warcraft for around 15 hrs a day.
This was around 6-8 months ago.
At first I was ok with it, but we've had around 4 or 5 major "talks" about her doing something to assist us both and it never changes.
My perception has now changed, and I have emotionally detached myself. We don't have sex, we don't kiss or cuddle and I think it's down to the fact that I no longer respect her. In fact, physical contact is something i don't think about-like she's a friend now.
I am not mean, not abusive, i provide well for us but i think i've simply had enough of having to "school" her. We're both 28yrs old btw, so I didn't expect to have to teach her the ways of the world.

can anyone help me figure out what the best course of action is?
We have no kids, and i guess i'm feeling like "if i cant see us together in 5 yrs, end it now and start afresh".
any advice/comments would be much appreciated.

thanks all

Redlemon

Can you rewrite the above from her perspective? What does she think about your relationship?

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rymetymeuk

She thinks that we are OK, as in I have to assume that she knows we're not great as she says we have a sexless marriage, but I don't think she would see a split coming.
I honestly can't really say what she thinks about it, I think we both know it's not ideal but are kinda sticking with it since she hasn't got a job right now and you just plod along, you know?

The_Jazz

I think Redlemon's (if I can put words in his mouth) is going to say that you need to be sure what she thinks. You need to ask her.

If I were in your shoes, I'd basically give her an ulitmatum. Things are bad, she's behaving selfishly (no job, no prospects, no real support) but you're willing to give it a try. If she doesn't shape up in a reasonable amount of time (but with a firm deadline), you're going to have to move on with your life. Perhaps the threat of you leaving will change things. If it doesn't, you have your answer.

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rymetymeuk

Ok, i think i'll go talk to her today. I'm just worried that my feelings of not wanting physical contact (and therefore have in fact already moved on) won't change. thanks for the advice all..

Cimarron29414

Marriages aren't over until one of the two say it's over. You can't ask us if it is over, you need to ask yourself. The fact that you so readily agreed to having a heart-to-heart with her implies you aren't even close to saying "It's over." That's not a bad thing, that's a good thing. You don't leave a marriage until you can HONESTLY say that you tried everything to save it. If you haven't even told her how upset you are with the current situation, then you haven't tried everything. Her reaction to this is key. I would expect her to quit WoW immediately. If you see her playing it once, you cancel your internet to the house (extreme but effective). She should be using that time to tune her resume and seek out employment.

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Jinn

The question isn't whether it's over, it's whether you want it to be over.

Sounds like you want it to be over. In that case, yes, yes it is.

If you don't want it to be over (you want to work on it) then no, it doesn't have to be.

The ball is in your court since you're the one expressing the dissatisfaction.

Decide whether you want to stick around if she changes before you ask. If she changes for you and you still don't want it to continue, then you're just wasting her time.

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Glory's Sun

she sounds pretty fuckin lazy. she may not be but that's how you've portrayed her.

You either tell her exactly why you've detached or you'll just pull out of the marriage. If she isn't willing to meet you halfway to make things work then you'll need to file the paperwork. Water runs under the bridge both ways, and people need to meet halfway and work at things in order to survive a marriage.

and yeah.. you need to do as Jinn suggested, figure out if you want to be with her if she does change, before you ask.

DaniGirl

It sounds to me like you have already made your decision. You don't feel for her anymore and she can't be completely blindsided by the fact that you are unhappy. Its obvious. She doesn't seem like she wants to change and she has no need to change with you supporting her every need. If you leave her she will have to grow up, and then if you can reconnect after she sees how stupid she was then maybe you can salvage a relationship. But if you don't love her anymore you should not stay with her. Life is too short to put up with this crap.

redsneaker

I think the previous posters make valid points. Only you can determine if the marriage is over or not. Not knowing all of the details, I feel compelled to ask if there is something else going on in her life that she's not dealing with. As someone said, you have portrayed her as lazy - is this accurate, or are there other issues at hand like depression (which often looks like laziness to the outside world) or anxiety or self-esteem issues. What are her reasons/excuses for not looking for or getting a job? What are you hearing her say? These are good questions to ask yourself if you are interested in making it work. Would counseling be an option? Would she see a career counselor?

If you are not interested in making it work, then you know what you need to do.

I wish you the best of luck.

Redlemon

Other than "It was great for around a year", I don't see any positives in what you have written so far. Is there anything that is good in the relationship at the moment? What used to be good, but isn't there anymore?

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genuinegirly

It honestly sounds like she's dealing with depression. This isn't exactly an easy job market to make your way in, but it's not helping that she decided to dive full-tilt into a video game. If it is depression, she will need to come to that conclusion on her own and seek help.

In the meantime, she should be considering other options to be productive and not become a financial drain. She could start by actively supporting you by cooking on the cheap (you'll save money by not eating out) and seeing to all of the household duties so you don't have to deal with them when you come home. It may be an option for her to continue her education while contributing financially to your partnership by finding a graduate school program that offers a living stipend.

Something I'm not quite sure I gathered from your words - are you two sexually inactive because you are actively withholding affection? If so, you could be contributing to her depression.

Along the lines of the person who suggested to pull the plug on WoW - It would make sense, since things are financially tight, to cancel any cable and internet connection. You could start that conversation by saying, "times are really tight right now, and we can't get into debt. It would save us $xxx/month to discontinue our internet and cable tv. I think we should do it." WoW would be out of the picture, but you would be saving more cash than just the WoW subscription cost. Her job search might be limited by this option, but if there's a local library where she could access internet, she would still be able to check Monster or whatever services she's using to find a job. Being forced to visit the library to get to the internet would get both of you out of the house - not a bad thing overall.

An aside - What would happen to your visa status if you were to divorce?
It's something to consider.

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rymetymeuk

Ok all, i went to lunch and we talked and I am sad to say (really I am) that I ended it. The problem lies with the fact i can't see that I want to be with her, even if she changes. I am not sexually interested in her any more, and it would be so unfair for me to string her along just because I like her as a friend.
it's a mind shattering day, but in a year or so, i'll know I made the right decision. I hate inflicting pain on someone who i've given 5 years of my life to, but if the next 30 are going to be crap then i need to make the cut now.

thanks for all your comments, i really appreciate it.

---------- Post added at 07:57 PM ---------- Previous post was at 07:55 PM ----------

and p.s she isnt depressed, she just likes playing World of Warcraft. the problem with us is that i left home at 18, worked and became independent, she didnt and i have had to school her 100% of the way. i'm tired of it, and she has done nothing to aid our family, just selfishly played games all day when she was meant to be finding work. also, we've had 4 serious talks already about this, with promises of change. ... nothing changed.

highthief

Sounds like you made the right decision and are satisfied with it. Good for you.

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genuinegirly

You've made a good choice.
I'm glad to hear that you're moving on.

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Anormalguy

That had to be a tough decision to make. I hope that both of you manage to move on and find happiness.

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biznatch

This is good, and inspirational to me. Sometimes figuring out what you want and need is the best thing you can do. If you don't think happiness can be achieved with her, or that she won't make an effort towards it, it's best for you to look for it somewhere else.
Be strong, and I wish you happiness in your new life.

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spindles

I'm going to be a dissenting voice (and coming in at the end it'll probably not make much difference), but it pisses me off that people nowadays see marriage as disposable. Marriage is supposed to be two people working as a team, but so often marriages are short and perhaps entered into too early.

I'm sorry to hear that things haven't worked out, but I'd be more likely to try a bit harder. Have you considered going to see a marriage counsellor? Just having a third party to help with issues can be really helpful.

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lostgirl

If he is no long attracted to her, marriage counseling isn't going to work. He is being honest with himself and her about where things are at. Once you have come to the point where you are no longer attracted to the other person it is almost impossible to get it back.

I have been though this, I tried very hard and felt really guilty about it. In the end I knew it would be unfair of me to stay, and pretend I still had feelings for him. I cared enough to let him go so he could find someone who would be attracted to him, and we could both get what we need and deserve.

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Punk.of.Ages

Sexual desire towards a person is based on a lot more than physical attraction, y'know. The fact that she's not helping keep the marriage together (or at least that's how you seem to see it) can definitely lead to you feeling less attracted to her. My point here is that if the lack of sexual attraction is the real determining issue, that can be fixed. As long as she's willing to put forth the effort.

If she's not willing to, though, then you made the right decision.

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rymetymeuk

Hey guys
thanks for all the comments, I read them carefully and have actually some progress which has been made these past few days.

I didn't realize but I actually have a lot of issues, stemming from being adopted and having a crappy childhood with my parents. I was in boarding school from age 10 till 18, let home at 18 and went and worked so became very self sufficient. My parents were never very affectionate and i've since learned from speaking to a counselor that I am have commitment and intimacy issues.
There is more than meets the eye with our situation, which is actually a good thing as I too don't want to think marriage is a disposable thing either.

So my wife has issues due to her family being abusive, and this led her to be non-confrontational and we basically didn't talk like we should have for months. Also, this is gonna sound really bad so please don't flame me-this is fact: my family is upper/middle class- i've always had opportunity (never spoiled tho, in fact the opposite) and my wife's family is lower class. this presents issues apparently, and i agree with it because I am embarrassed to be near them.
they are all so hateful towards each other verbally, her dad used to physically assault her mom years ago and has a terrible temper. I have no respect for them and apparently this cultural/class issue can cause major problems.

so, we are separated as honestly I don't know what i want (a symptom of commitment issues) but we'll see what happens. if one thing positive does happen, it'll be that we both get counseling for any future relationships. I should add, that the counselor recommended we both get personal counseling first, before any marriage counseling. we'll see what happens. as i said b4, im not sure i'm even attracted to her any more, but maybe that'll change with progress.

what do you guys think?

thanks!

thingstodo

Well, I think if you have no interest in her now perhaps you made a mistake in making a commitment in the first place. It sounds like some contempt from your side of the fence based on her bahavior and when contempt sets in it is over. I guess it is better to find out now than after more time is invested. If she does nothing but play video games all day, isn't interested in you and won't get a job she really isn't contributing to the relationship.

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allaboutmusic

+1. I think this was the mistake here.

Daniel_

What you have done is not going to be accepted by many people, but should bring you access to a life in which both you and your ex-wife can have happiness denied presently.

It really doesn't matter whether it is her withdrawal or your selfishness that has caused this - and speculating based only on your side of the story won't help any of us.

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rymetymeuk

yeah I hear you. Well i have counseling arranged for next week, so maybe things will work out. Separation can help sometimes in showing you the grass isnt greener and how much you miss that person.
thanks for the input everyone, i appreciate this probably sounded like i was just jumping out but i think i didn't know how to start making amends.