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Old 05-07-2010, 05:03 AM   #1 (permalink)
Location: Louisiana
privacy advice with your partner.. and more

Look, I'm all and good for people and their privacy and all. But what would be the proper direction for this.

My wife locks her phone because she doesn't want me "snooping" on it. She turns it away from me when I enter the room. She does the same when we are laying in the bed and I move just right where she thinks I'm in line of sight. It doesn't matter I'm blind as a bat with out glasses in this case.

She says she got mad at me and removed/blocked me from facebook. Yet, when asking she never reinvited me or unblocked me. Am I allowed in this instance to find out just what is going on? I mean at one point she didn't have it locked and our 3 yr old was running around with it when she was asleep. I took it from him and her text msg's was showing and I see this guy that was an old high school flame there. I won't go into details but it showed texts back and forth of hints of stuff. Nothing saying lets hook up and screw like wild monkeys or anything.. Just your typical crush/flirting.

My bro in law and my sister split up not too long ago due to the fact he was too controlling. I didn't want to seem that way so I let her go out when she asked.

Then I found out it was with single/divorced guys. She claims she connects better with guys, due to the fact she clashes with women all the time.

Yet I'm at home with 5 kids wondering when she is coming home. She claims I'm to blame for her being out all the time. Last I checked you just dont find a babysitter for 5 kids with ages of 12 down to 3yr old.

I really trying to be understanding due to the fact she is also a nurse and in college, but im at my wits end.

she borrows 600 bucks from yet another guy to rent a car, takes a trip to michigan (we live in louisiana currtenly) to visit her parents and her ill grandmother with the twins (the 3yr olds and our daughter) yet this is the same place this guy lives she was in contact with.

the day she leaves i get kissed told i love you.. almost a week later i get a nice "dear john" text msg saying its over .. im moving back and you can come if you want.

now im left with a horrible choice.. do i love my dying parents or my kids more? Do I run from her problems down here to follow her and the kids.

am I just paranoid in the fact she has had 2 weeks to talk to everyone up there about god knows what.. to go up there and have everyone watch me like a hawk and hope i live up to all the negative things she said?

its like im set up for a fall. if i dont go i abandoned my kids.. if i do go.. I get up there, and i cant live with her according to her choices.. so what do i do..

live in my truck with no family or friends, find a job and hope for the best?

its like she is always on the go... work.. out all night on the move up to the point she drops from exhaustion and sleeps.. its like she is running from her own self and going till she does the deep sleep thing.

like her own ID monster is after here and her only escape is sleep.. but upon wakeing she runs.

I honestly dont know what to do.. I told her if she wants to end it im tired of the back and forth thing..

I love you
I need you
hold me
i hold you

fuck you... your a dead beat dad

here wear this ring i never let anyone wear

why dont you just leave..

have sex..
hold me...
no sex just laying there holding each other..

pissed off on this day cuz some guy got a GF she dont approve

all smiles and happy

sigh i just dont get it.

Im told i cant work cuz we cant find a babysitter... with her in college and a nurse. I stay home with out kids.. try to keep a house up. Im a guy that does this..

I work .. 97hrs a week for over 4 years. I come home tired and told to help with the house and i tried. I gave her my check each week. All i asked was for smokes, internet and coffee... nothing else.

I go from that to staying at the house all the damn time.. i have no friends now .. all i had are married and work .. never have time to "hang out"

I become a closed up hermit.. I see her go out.. i know what she is doing is wrong but I shrug and lose myself in my computer. She comes home sees me on it assumes ive been on it since i left.. gets pissed at me..

nice cycle right.. i break that cycle several times yet nothing happens.

I say im going to get a job and all of a sudden its .. fine ill just quit, ill give up all im trying to do for us.

yet i dont see this us.. all i see is her and her plans.

i read the one text she showed me where this guy is jealous that she is hanging out with this other guy..

last i checked im the only one allowed to get jealous over something like that.

to be fair i dont have a nice attitude towards her lifestyle.. i dont see her for days it seems.. all my thoughts get bottled up.. shaken and when you pop the top...

it all comes out at once instead of a calm trickle. yet when ever i bring up the fact she goes out with guys and such.. im just repeating the same old argument over and over adfin... yet its not.. the fact that we never got past the 1st time i brought it up.. it never got solved that problem is still there and im trying to address it.

I've 5 kids to worry about. That farmost on my mind. That when she is home, i "smother" her too much to the point i push out the kids, was wrong on my part.

I told her hell, ive been alone for years now what does it matter you wanna break it off now?

then the hints of it being worked out or in a different way surface on her part and im left thinking .. here we go again.

last text was .. "i can see this isnt going to be easy"

and im left thinking.. should it be? Hell, I cant run away to a magical fantasy land getaway and think this is how easy it can be.

I still think she is trying to get me angry enough to do something stupid for a PPO or just fed up enough to just leave and claim abandonment. Its like she wants an easy out for her peace of mind.. I'm not that easy to provoke, sorry.

I've been told to just stop, get up, and leave.. its not that easy with 5 kids.

I've been told to work it out, go back to a silly 1950's type of courting and fall in love again with her. Again not that easy when I can't get outta the house. I can't compete with guys that make 2k a week, have no life and can do anything they want without a care in the world.

sorry im ranting but .. ive tried to talk to some people here.. to unburden to, share my fears .. not to run her down but express what i feel.. but i found out they run to her and repeat all I say and im the bad guy for telling our buisness.. when all i honestly want to do is get something off my chest so i can breath sigh and have somewhat of a moment of clarity.

yet shes the one that comes in all pissed off that people are calling her a slut. What does she expect.. she goes out with guys to hang out at bars and have a good time.. in a public setting that others that know me see her in.. what does she expect to happen.

funny thing is.. after i got the "dear john" text.. i wasn't anything at first.. i said ok whatever you want.

I went and was washing dishes. Crying, rageing at the world. I dropped a plate.. started crying even more. I spent the next 15 min. trying to put the plate together on the counter top..

It was like the world, in its entirety, just came to a stand still.. The sounds around me came rushing in and just stopped. The world stopped. I stood there blinking tears away and that one moment you have..

that pure unfiltered perfect moment of clarity you have once in your life comes.

I realized it isn't my job to try and put the pieces of a broken plate back exact perfect way it used to be. Its my job to pick up the pieces and see how the fit in a new reality, however it becomes.

I walked out of my house and sat on the trampoline and watched the sky. For about two hours its all I did. And it was a breath of fresh air for me.

I don't need to worry to the point I lose my mind. She will do what she wants to do.. no one can force her to change.. to become what i want her to be would be wrong in my part.

I know change is hard. I went out and got my old job back, told her we need a baby sitter. That I'll help with moving but only if i have a place to live as well. If I cant then Ill stay here till i can.

Man, I wish life was just a tad more forgiving.
It means only one thing, and everything: Cut. Once committed to fight, Cut. Everything else is secondary. Cut. That is your duty, your purpose, your hunger. There is no rule more important, no commitment that overrides that one. Cut. The lines are a portrayal of the dance. Cut from the void, not from bewilderment. Cut the enemy as quickly and directly as possible. Cut with certainty. Cut decisively, resoultely. Cut into his strength. Flow through the gaps in his guard. Cut him. Cut him down utterly. Don't allow him a breath. Crush him. Cut him without mercy to the depth of his spirit. It is the balance to life: death. It is the dance with death. It is the law a war wizard lives by, or he dies.
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Old 05-07-2010, 05:53 AM   #2 (permalink)
People in masks cannot be trusted
Xazy's Avatar
Location: NYC
I am sorry for you.

First off, relationship is a two way street and is about concessions by both sides, and from what it sounds like you feel it is a one way street. As well in a healthy relationship there has to be open communication. I do not look at my wife's email, texts, etc... But truth is I know her password and she mine and we would never intrude on each other privacy. But in a relationship the privacy line is not where it is when you are single.

What you need to do is start being a bit more selfish, and do some stuff for yourself. You need to get you both in to therapy, and realize therapy is not about changing her or you, it is about learning how to accept and deal with each other.

But if she is not willing to meet you halfway then you may have to consider your options and what you are willing to accept, primarily due to the children which makes the options all more difficult.
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Old 05-07-2010, 07:12 AM   #3 (permalink)
Still Free
Cimarron29414's Avatar
Location: comfortably perched at the top of the bell curve!
It was difficult to follow your post, but I think I understand the situation. Here's my assessment.

Your wife doesn't like being a wife and mother of five. She's created an alternate life which purposefully does not involve you. That life includes intimate relationships with other men. It really doesn't matter what she wants. What do you want? Is this what you believe a married life should look like? You have rights as a spouse, invoke them, set ultimatums, and make your own decisions based on her responses.

I'm really sorry this is happening to you and your kids. Good luck.
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Old 05-07-2010, 07:37 AM   #4 (permalink)
Currently sour but formerly Dlishs
dlish's Avatar
Super Moderator
Location: Australia/UAE
You have posted a few months back about your situation, and by the looks of it, your situation with yor wife hasnt changed.

I honestly dont believe that your situation is going to change anytime soon.Your seem like a great dad and loving father. But you have many issues to deal with.

What you need to do its get your kids looked after. You need to speak to your wife to start councelling. if she refuses, then you should proceed to get your kids away from the bad influence that is their mother. You should talk to your social security on the best way to approach this. But you'll probably end up with the inevitable separation and finally a divorce if you go down this road.

Your post skirts around many issues. One of the most important being your mental well being. I think this ongoing scenario is having a negative impact on you and will eventually filter through to you kids. You need to sek help immediately.

I dont think this post is about privacy advice more than another call for help.

I do wish you the best. But you need to do what's best for your kids and yourself. your wife's selfish desires speak for themselves.
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