over thinking, probably over complicating a beginning relationship - Tilted Forum Project Discussion Community

yoippari · 07-28-2010, 11:23 PM

I have a big long post that I cut to a notepad but I'm going to try and shorten this to a core idea or two.

I am completely inexperienced with relationships, It's kinda pathetic, I've been on two dates and that didn't go anywhere. I'm 23, she is 21. We are friends and I like her for a whole slew of reasons and I know she likes me but I don't know how much or in what way. We haven't known each other that long and I look forward to getting to know her but I feel like I need to make a decision about us before anything might happen on its own. I want to pursue a relationship but, and this is a big but, she is engaged.

They have known each other for less than six months and he was recently deployed overseas. It isn't a dangerous position or anything but except for e-mail he is unavailable and will be for quite a while. I know people who got married in a hurry before shipping out and the marriages didn't last.

So basically I know I should just step back and not interfere with a current relationship but considering the nature of the relationship and that I really do believe that we would be great together I want to give us a chance. What are your thoughts?

In the interest of a shorter post I'll leave it at that and post the unabridged version if anyone wants more information.

Sue · 07-29-2010, 05:09 AM

IF she likes you as much as you like her, and wants to pursue a relationship, at least wait until she breaks it off. I'm sensitive to this subject, as I've been with my boyfriend for 6 years, and stayed with him while he was deployed for almost a year. If you two are just friends, I'd recommend you try to date someone who isn't engaged and is possibly waiting anxiously for her soldier's return home.

Unless there's more to the story that you haven't shared yet, like what exactly is "the nature of the relationship?" Has she told you she's unhappy and wants to break it off? Have you told her you want to date her?

If the answer to those are no, seriously, give it up, let her be in her relationship, and find a single girl.

yoippari · 07-29-2010, 09:51 AM

Nature of the relationship is that they haven't known each other for very long for being engaged (subjective, I know) and that from what she has told me he may be the first decent/healthy relationship she has had which might skew perceptions into thinking that the relationship is stronger than it is. Of course I know that I'm looking for justifications to pursue something, but I think the point is valid.

She is happy and I won't do anything to actively damage her relationship but my concern is that by simply spending time together as friends things might start to develop. I figure that when she gets back from visiting family in a few days we just need to have a frank discussion about this and whether she wants to continue hanging out knowing that I'm hoping for more or if we should make a clean break and remove all possibility.

Xazy · 07-29-2010, 10:31 AM

If she is seeing someone back off, if she would cheat on her current bf, how can you trust / respect her?

Wes Mantooth · 07-29-2010, 10:34 AM

If she's really happy she probably isn't going to break off the engagement anyway and worse will probably wind up resenting you for having interfered. I would say that if she isn't all that happy or you know she might be having second thoughts then it might not be the worst idea ever, but I'd still tread carefully before going in.

Personally I'd just leave it alone, if you can't just be friends it might be worth just ending the whole thing all together and moving on.

yoippari · 07-29-2010, 11:13 AM

So it seems the majority is saying to step back. Which I agree is probably best. If she has second thoughts in the coming months then maybe I'll consider going there but like I said, she is happy now and I don't want to mess with what may be a great life together for the both of them.

Magnolia · 08-15-2010, 07:49 PM

keep in touch with her and if she becomes single, then pursue her . taken is taken no matter where the other person is at the moment .

monkeysugar · 08-18-2010, 08:27 PM

Don't be "That Guy." She's currently chosen to be with him, not you. So stay in touch with her and if she becomes single then go for it.

genuinegirly · 09-14-2010, 05:04 AM

Ugh. Why are people so blinded by infatuation?
If you love her, let her enjoy the only healthy relationship she has known. She is probably friends with you because she isn't sexually attracted to you. A woman in a long-distance relationship rarely wants to hang out with temptation. The most you are likely going to get from her is the love a woman would have for a brother. If you are hoping for anything else, it will only break your heart.

Xerxys · 09-14-2010, 08:56 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by monkeysugar

Don't be "That Guy."

Leave her alone. You already like her in possibly ways she doesn't like you back. It will not work. Just be honest, cut ties and ask her to contact you when she breaks it off with soldier boy.

MSD · 09-14-2010, 05:48 PM

Slap yourself a few times, take a cold shower, and stop trying to fall in love with her. There are 3 billion women in the world, find one who's single and looking instead of getting one-itis and looking at a platonic friend with tunnel vision because she's the first girl you really get along with. I have a few things I can say that are probably along the lines of what you want to hear, but I'm not going to say them because the last thing you need is someone encouraging you to stay in this mindset.

07-28-2010, 11:23 PM	#1 (permalink)
yoippari Upright	over thinking, probably over complicating a beginning relationship I have a big long post that I cut to a notepad but I'm going to try and shorten this to a core idea or two. I am completely inexperienced with relationships, It's kinda pathetic, I've been on two dates and that didn't go anywhere. I'm 23, she is 21. We are friends and I like her for a whole slew of reasons and I know she likes me but I don't know how much or in what way. We haven't known each other that long and I look forward to getting to know her but I feel like I need to make a decision about us before anything might happen on its own. I want to pursue a relationship but, and this is a big but, she is engaged. They have known each other for less than six months and he was recently deployed overseas. It isn't a dangerous position or anything but except for e-mail he is unavailable and will be for quite a while. I know people who got married in a hurry before shipping out and the marriages didn't last. So basically I know I should just step back and not interfere with a current relationship but considering the nature of the relationship and that I really do believe that we would be great together I want to give us a chance. What are your thoughts? In the interest of a shorter post I'll leave it at that and post the unabridged version if anyone wants more information.

07-29-2010, 05:09 AM	#2 (permalink)
Sue Teufel Hunden's Freundin Location: Westminster, CO	IF she likes you as much as you like her, and wants to pursue a relationship, at least wait until she breaks it off. I'm sensitive to this subject, as I've been with my boyfriend for 6 years, and stayed with him while he was deployed for almost a year. If you two are just friends, I'd recommend you try to date someone who isn't engaged and is possibly waiting anxiously for her soldier's return home. Unless there's more to the story that you haven't shared yet, like what exactly is "the nature of the relationship?" Has she told you she's unhappy and wants to break it off? Have you told her you want to date her? If the answer to those are no, seriously, give it up, let her be in her relationship, and find a single girl. __________________ Teg yw edrych tuag adref. Last edited by Sue; 07-29-2010 at 05:14 AM..

07-29-2010, 10:34 AM	#5 (permalink)
Wes Mantooth Junkie Location: Tennessee	If she's really happy she probably isn't going to break off the engagement anyway and worse will probably wind up resenting you for having interfered. I would say that if she isn't all that happy or you know she might be having second thoughts then it might not be the worst idea ever, but I'd still tread carefully before going in. Personally I'd just leave it alone, if you can't just be friends it might be worth just ending the whole thing all together and moving on. __________________ “My god I must have missed it...its hell down here!”

08-18-2010, 08:27 PM	#8 (permalink)
monkeysugar I'll be on the veranda, since you're on the cross. Location: Rand McNally's friendliest small town in America. They must have strayed from the dodgy parts...	Don't be "That Guy." She's currently chosen to be with him, not you. So stay in touch with her and if she becomes single then go for it. __________________ I've got the love of my life and a job that I enjoy most of the time. Life is good.

09-14-2010, 05:04 AM	#9 (permalink)
genuinegirly Eat your vegetables Super Moderator Location: Arabidopsis-ville	Ugh. Why are people so blinded by infatuation? If you love her, let her enjoy the only healthy relationship she has known. She is probably friends with you because she isn't sexually attracted to you. A woman in a long-distance relationship rarely wants to hang out with temptation. The most you are likely going to get from her is the love a woman would have for a brother. If you are hoping for anything else, it will only break your heart. Last edited by genuinegirly; 09-14-2010 at 05:07 AM..

07-29-2010, 09:51 AM	#3 (permalink)
yoippari Upright	Nature of the relationship is that they haven't known each other for very long for being engaged (subjective, I know) and that from what she has told me he may be the first decent/healthy relationship she has had which might skew perceptions into thinking that the relationship is stronger than it is. Of course I know that I'm looking for justifications to pursue something, but I think the point is valid. She is happy and I won't do anything to actively damage her relationship but my concern is that by simply spending time together as friends things might start to develop. I figure that when she gets back from visiting family in a few days we just need to have a frank discussion about this and whether she wants to continue hanging out knowing that I'm hoping for more or if we should make a clean break and remove all possibility.

07-29-2010, 10:31 AM	#4 (permalink)
Xazy People in masks cannot be trusted Location: NYC	If she is seeing someone back off, if she would cheat on her current bf, how can you trust / respect her?

07-29-2010, 11:13 AM	#6 (permalink)
yoippari Upright	So it seems the majority is saying to step back. Which I agree is probably best. If she has second thoughts in the coming months then maybe I'll consider going there but like I said, she is happy now and I don't want to mess with what may be a great life together for the both of them.

08-15-2010, 07:49 PM	#7 (permalink)
Magnolia Upright	keep in touch with her and if she becomes single, then pursue her . taken is taken no matter where the other person is at the moment .

09-14-2010, 05:48 PM	#11 (permalink)
MSD The sky calls to us ... Super Moderator Location: CT	Slap yourself a few times, take a cold shower, and stop trying to fall in love with her. There are 3 billion women in the world, find one who's single and looking instead of getting one-itis and looking at a platonic friend with tunnel vision because she's the first girl you really get along with. I have a few things I can say that are probably along the lines of what you want to hear, but I'm not going to say them because the last thing you need is someone encouraging you to stay in this mindset.