Tilted Forum Project Discussion Community  

Go Back   Tilted Forum Project Discussion Community > The Academy > Tilted Life


 
 
LinkBack Thread Tools
Old 01-15-2011, 11:22 AM   #1 (permalink)
Addict
 
Location: M[ass]achusetts
Relationship advice - woman who is 6 years older

So I went on a 10 day trip with a group of 30 people to Europe. Over the course of these 10 days we all spent lots and lots of time with each other. I got very closely and intimately acquainted with a particular young lady and we just hit it off immediately. I really kind of wonder if I've ever had such a close and solid connection with another person in my life. We like the same things, we have similar personalities, etc.

When I'm around girls my age, I tend to have some trouble making connections because in large, I skipped the wild party phase of my life and emotionally I'm much closer to where she is in life (I think).

Right now, I just finished my Master's and am looking for a job. I could move down to be near her, but I don't think that's a serious thing to do right away (kind of rash). And if I find a job here, it would be a bad move professionally to leave over the course of a few months. She says it's really hard for her to find a job in her line of work (nurse) over where I live.

The facts are:
She's a 4 hr drive away
She's 30 and I'm 24

I've talked to some of my friends about this, and I've also talked to my mother. And I'm obviously getting mixed answers, and I expect I will get mixed replies here too. I'm not looking for consensus but (suckup) I know this community is full of really wise and diverse people, so I invite you to share all of your wisdom and experience with me if you so choose.

I've heard that 4 hrs is not a big deal. I've also heard that long term relationships just don't work out.

My mom feels that 6 years is much too much for a woman to be older by. I can see where she's coming from because it's just what my amour said - it's about time for her to start having kids. Not that I'm against kids, but realistically for me that's at least 2 years away because I must get settled in.

Others don't think that the age gap is a big deal.

So TFP, thanks for reading my publication. Thoughts? And thanks again.
__________________
In the end we are but wisps
ManWithAPlan is offline  
Old 01-15-2011, 11:55 AM   #2 (permalink)
... a sort of licensed troubleshooter.
 
Willravel's Avatar
 
Speaking from direct experience, if it doesn't bother you please go for it. When I was in my early 20s and had just gotten out of a serious relationship with someone my age, I met someone older and our relationship was wonderful. She was more grounded than girls I'd dated before, she was wiser and she was a lot more clear on her life priorities. She had direction and maturity, and it was contagious. Not only that, but in my case she was more experienced and knew her body a lot better than previous girlfriends, which kept things a lot more interesting sexually.

I vote go for it. It's better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all.
Willravel is offline  
Old 01-15-2011, 12:02 PM   #3 (permalink)
Addict
 
Location: M[ass]achusetts
Thanks Willravel. Those are all very good points. It's actually exactly how I feel right now (about wisdom, maturity, etc).

If it's all right, I'd like to ask you two things... First, so what happened to that relationship? And second, how much older was she?
__________________
In the end we are but wisps
ManWithAPlan is offline  
Old 01-15-2011, 12:29 PM   #4 (permalink)
... a sort of licensed troubleshooter.
 
Willravel's Avatar
 
She was something like 7 years my senior, iirc. What happened was that she had to take a job elsewhere before we'd gotten serious enough for me to move with her. We're still in touch on really good terms. If we're ever close again and both single, I can easily see us picking up where we left off.
Willravel is offline  
Old 01-15-2011, 01:38 PM   #5 (permalink)
Custom User Title
 
Craven Morehead's Avatar
 
I don't think that is a huge age difference. The older you get the less difference it makes.

Go for it however you can.

Good luck.
Craven Morehead is offline  
Old 01-15-2011, 01:57 PM   #6 (permalink)
Eponymous
 
jewels's Avatar
 
Location: Central Central Florida
I've dated men both older and younger and believe there's a reason they say age is just a number. Six years? That's nothing. Really.

You'll hear old couples who've been happy for 50+ years both with nothing in common and everything in common. No rules, just grab happiness when you can.

Sometimes someone comes along and all the rules you've been taught must be thrown to the wind. If the relationship endures the four hour separation, chances are that eventually someone will be more motivated to move closer to the other. Don't forget that there's always a potential transfer or a few months of job hunting to solve any supposed problem.

If you both want it enough, it will endure and things will work themselves out. Make sure you talk out any real concerns with her though.
__________________
We are always more anxious to be distinguished for a talent which we do not possess, than to be praised for the fifteen which we do possess.
Mark Twain
jewels is offline  
Old 01-15-2011, 06:07 PM   #7 (permalink)
Junkie
 
My advice? Don't do it. Just drop it where it is.
My reasons are as follows:
-Long distance relationships don't work without an expendable income, lots of spare time to visit each other, and patience/selflessness. Seeing as you're jobless, you have nothing to work with.
- She already said she's ready to have kids, and at 30, she's already pushing her viability. Two years from now, will be even worse. You're not settled or ready for kids, its a potential breaking point.
- People have to create an equilibrium between each other to live happily and with success. She's a nurse, she's established, you're the opposite, so either she has to be the breadwinner to support you, or you gotta work your ass off to get to an equilibrium. I just dont see it happening.

I'm basing this all off of experience, and off of relationships that affected groups of friendships. I've lost a lot of friends to this fucking shit, so its a sensitive subject.
Just...don't do it.
settie is offline  
Old 01-15-2011, 06:29 PM   #8 (permalink)
The Reforms
 
Jetée's Avatar
 
Location: Rarely, if ever, here or there, but always in transition
You should ask your presumed significant other (re: young lady friend) if she can see herself becoming seriously involved with you, and discuss the possibility of what marriage holds toward your combined futures.

It might give her a jolt of "woah. this American guy I met in Europe is already contemplating marriage?! (pauses)" ... but, given that you'd like some advice here, I suppose it takes an inference that you might actually like the broad, if not actually grow to love her; though, your current individual life situations has you in doubt about whether or not to move forward with this.

I'd close this message with a nice witticism of my own, but I just glanced at this, and it bears heeding in its informed brevity:
Quote:
Originally Posted by jewels
If you both want it enough, it will endure and things will work themselves out. Make sure you talk out any real concerns with her though.
__________________
As human beings, our greatness lies not so much in being able to remake the world (that is the myth of the Atomic Age) as in being able to remake ourselves.
Mohandas K. Gandhi
Jetée is offline  
Old 01-15-2011, 06:43 PM   #9 (permalink)
Junkie
 
SirLance's Avatar
 
Location: In the middle of the desert.
I've dated older women, younger women, women the same age. I've had two long distance relationships, and both more or less just faded away. I don't think they're good for the long term.

6 years is only a lifetime to a six-year-old. It's not much as age difference goes.

It sounds like to me she has been pretty forthright in conveying some things about herself to you. She won't or can't move, and she wants kids. At 30, she needs to start pretty soon. Have you been as forthright with her as to what you are ready for in a relationship?

I think this means that if you go for it, you should expect to have kids right away, and you should expect to move right away. She is clearly looking for a serious commitment.

No one can answer for you whether you should do this or not. The question is, do you want to grow old with this person, and if you do, are you willing to make some sacrifices and do things (like kids) that you weren't thinking of doing right away?

In my experience, true love doesn't come along all that often. I've been fortunate to find it once, in mumblety-mumble years. If this is that, I would do some serious soul searching before I gave it up.

There are things worth sacrificing for, and I thing you just need to ask yourself some questions and determine if this is one of them.
__________________
DEMOCRACY is where your vote counts, FEUDALISM is where your count votes.
SirLance is offline  
Old 01-15-2011, 07:04 PM   #10 (permalink)
still, wondering.
 
Ourcrazymodern?'s Avatar
 
Location: South Minneapolis, somewhere near the gorgeous gorge
4 hours away is farther than six years. Get closer, then make plans, IF YOU BOTH BELIEVE your life together will be better than your lives apart.
__________________
BE JUST AND FEAR NOT
Ourcrazymodern? is offline  
Old 01-15-2011, 11:21 PM   #11 (permalink)
MSD
The sky calls to us ...
 
MSD's Avatar
 
Super Moderator
Location: CT
Quote:
Originally Posted by ManWithAPlan View Post
I've heard that 4 hrs is not a big deal. I've also heard that long term relationships just don't work out.
Not a big deal? I've come to the conclusion that driving more than 45 minutes to get laid is too much effort. Once you hit your mid-20s age differences aren't a big deal, but you're clearly at different places in your lives if she's ready to settle down and have kids and you aren't.
MSD is offline  
Old 01-16-2011, 05:52 AM   #12 (permalink)
Addict
 
Location: M[ass]achusetts
TFP, you guys do not disappoint. Lots of things to think about reading this.

First, I have to comment on MSD - You're absolutely right, more than 45 minutes to get laid is too much, but I never even hinted that that was my purpose.

You guys are absolutely right though that we need to have a good talk and put all our cards out on the table. You've given me good ideas on the things we need to talk about, and I think we'll have to have this talk in the next few days when she returns from the trip (she's staying with family currently).

Steph, I know you've had bad experiences with long distance, but I don't think everything you said is really all that fair to me. I'm unemployed right now because I just finished my degree and I am looking for a job that will be better than the one I could return to. If I want to settle, I could have a job by the end of the week that would be paying just as well as hers (I'm expecting an offer that I'm pretty sure I'm going to get). Let's just say that with the job market now, I'm not worried about being able to provide. Also, 4 hours is a bitch, but it's not a plane flight over. I can see myself running down on a Friday night to stay the weekend.
__________________
In the end we are but wisps
ManWithAPlan is offline  
Old 01-16-2011, 06:47 AM   #13 (permalink)
Confused Adult
 
Shauk's Avatar
 
Location: Spokane, WA
as long as you're not trying to steal her from another guy, who cares?
/bitter
(yes my last serious LTR was robbed by someone 10 years younger than her and 4 hours away, then he just cheated on her nonstop, oh well karma is a bitch)
Shauk is offline  
Old 01-16-2011, 09:25 AM   #14 (permalink)
Kick Ass Kunoichi
 
snowy's Avatar
 
Location: Oregon
I think jewels is spot on--if this relationship is important to you, and you are important to each other, things will find a way of working out.
__________________
If I am not better, at least I am different. --Jean-Jacques Rousseau
snowy is offline  
Old 01-16-2011, 10:57 PM   #15 (permalink)
Crazy
 
zenda's Avatar
 
Location: London, England
Hi. IMO the age difference between the two of you is not significant.
The 'where you're each at in your lives' IS significant and is reason for both of you to put your various cards on the table ... which is what you're engaged in doing, so Best wishes and respect to you and to her. Everything you and the previous posters have been covering has confirmed and consolidated that route.

The journey length ... well, you are willing to do that for weekends. I was willing to do up to 2.5 hrs at beginning and end of weekends for many years to be with my love. It's less than 4, but IMO enough to count as a big enough journey to go 'well there goes my entire evening in travel'. A friend of mine is currently doing 4 hours each way at weekends to be back with his lady .... though they'd had some time living together first and a genuine job need has made him live away from her for a while. Neither of them like it - they are 'putting up with it.' Because they are my Skype buddies, I get to be a fly on the wall and I get the impressions that their quality time IS quality, though they want more.

Parenthood .... There's a separate issue to deal with ... you KNOW that going into this relationship includes going seriously into the possibility of children. What are your thoughts and feelings on that? You mentioned that you had passed over the 'party animal' phase of existence ... I don't know whether you were doing that with a sense of regretfulness or positiveness. I'm putting these two thoughts together in one paragraph, because I want you to think what kind of [Future & Freedoms & Responsibilities] you might have been envisaging BEFORE you knew of her existence. "I'f I'd not met her, how'd I have been seeing my future now? What kind of things might I have been wanting to do or to not do, and roughly what kind of timeframes might I have had in mind"
zenda is offline  
Old 01-17-2011, 03:27 PM   #16 (permalink)
Junkie
 
SirLance's Avatar
 
Location: In the middle of the desert.
How's it going for you MWAP? Did you have your chat?
__________________
DEMOCRACY is where your vote counts, FEUDALISM is where your count votes.
SirLance is offline  
Old 01-17-2011, 03:34 PM   #17 (permalink)
Addict
 
Location: M[ass]achusetts
SirLance, we haven't. She's probably on a plane back over to the states right around now. I'm thankful to say I've been too pre-occupied with job-hunting today to brood more over it (as it was getting unhealthy :P), yep, recruiters have been keeping me busy.

Thanks a lot for all of your support and advice. I'll definitely keep everyone posted with how things go as soon as I have something to report. You've given me great things to think about and to bring up in our talk, and I'm sure they will help me more than I could have ever hoped.

Unfortunately, this chat's probably going to have to take place over the phone (I'm really much better in person, both at reading people and at expressing myself), but putting it off until I run down and visit her may not be a great option -- thoughts?
__________________
In the end we are but wisps
ManWithAPlan is offline  
Old 01-17-2011, 04:49 PM   #18 (permalink)
Junkie
 
SirLance's Avatar
 
Location: In the middle of the desert.
Oh, no. This is an in-person deal. I wouldn't have a talk this serious over the phone, if I could do it in person.
__________________
DEMOCRACY is where your vote counts, FEUDALISM is where your count votes.
SirLance is offline  
Old 01-17-2011, 04:59 PM   #19 (permalink)
Addict
 
Location: M[ass]achusetts
Yeah, I feel you. Gonna have to probably tell it to her in just that way, too. 'Cause I knowwww she's gonna want to start figuring stuff out first time I talk to her on the phone, heh.
__________________
In the end we are but wisps
ManWithAPlan is offline  
Old 01-17-2011, 06:14 PM   #20 (permalink)
Drifting
 
amonkie's Avatar
 
Administrator
Location: Windy City
I would also say before you go down that you want to have a conversation about it. there's nothing worse than waiting for someone you've not seen for a long long time and totally having pent up rawr energy and a mood that gets killed with a "we have to talk".

Been there.. both parties having a chance to reflect and be in the same mental state made all the difference in the world.
__________________
Calling from deep in the heart, from where the eyes can't see and the ears can't hear, from where the mountain trails end and only love can go... ~~~ Three Rivers Hare Krishna
amonkie is offline  
Old 01-17-2011, 06:30 PM   #21 (permalink)
Banned
 
Zeraph's Avatar
 
Location: The Cosmos
Meh, I'm about to date a woman 8 years older (dates tomorrow). Who cares? Go for it.
Zeraph is offline  
Old 01-20-2011, 05:52 AM   #22 (permalink)
Addict
 
Location: M[ass]achusetts
Still not all that much to report. I've been keeping in touch with her daily, but I feel like relations are slowly cooling down. I might make the trip down there next weekend to sort of settle where we stand.

I will stay at either a hotel or crash on someone's couch if I can make buddy-buddy with someone else from our trip (they all seem to live near each other).

You guys know something? The timing of this is really eating at me, because I'm in the middle of a huge transition in my life. But, and maybe this is Jerusalem syndrome (since we were there), I'm starting to wonder if it's not all happening like this for a reason. On the trip, at some point I decided to just trust myself and my fate to whatever force is out there that might choose to guide me, and that's not something I've ever done before in my life. Unfortunately, the same mentality is much harder when you're at home and have actual decisions to make, instead of on some trip in Jerusalem :P
__________________
In the end we are but wisps
ManWithAPlan is offline  
Old 01-20-2011, 07:36 AM   #23 (permalink)
Crazy
 
zenda's Avatar
 
Location: London, England
Hi, ManWithAPlan
I can make sense of "Thy will, not mine." - trust and fate. I also believe that when you are at home, it is right that you are working at deciding well ... You'll still be in the hands of fate, and trust in yourself will still be a factor ... like the most experienced and wise sailors on a turbulent sea. It's hard, you're working at it, and fate is all around. And it's right that you are considering it deeply and thoroughly as you are.

Transition. Heck yeah. Where have you come from ... where are you going ... what do you want to leave behind ... what do you want to take with you. Sometimes it's like "I come to the edge of the world and .... I fall off" ... though there is always really an horizon However ... the land is uncharted. The map up to the end of education is usually well drawn out .. especially for those continuing to higher education. Moving out of that is a big step. I'm rambling. I'm keeping track of this thread and you've got my best wishes
__________________
ZENDA
zenda is offline  
Old 01-29-2011, 02:06 PM   #24 (permalink)
Psycho
 
bagatelle's Avatar
 
Location: Europe
6 years is not much in my opinion, at least when you get older.

In fact I had a friend, who at age of 26 dated a guy about 20. The guy was enthusiastic, but my friend was a bit embarrassed of their age disparity. It didn't last long, like so many other relationships she had...

According to the "half-your-age-plus-seven" rule your "suitable" range would be women 19-34.
__________________
Life is...
bagatelle is offline  
 

Tags
advice, older, relationship, woman, years

Thread Tools

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are On



All times are GMT -8. The time now is 09:47 AM.

Tilted Forum Project

Powered by vBulletin® Version 3.8.7
Copyright ©2000 - 2023, vBulletin Solutions, Inc.
Search Engine Optimization by vBSEO 3.6.0 PL2
© 2002-2012 Tilted Forum Project

1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26 27 28 29 30 31 32 33 34 35 36 37 38 39 40 41 42 43 44 45 46 47 48 49 50 51 52 53 54 55 56 57 58 59 60 61 62 63 64 65 66 67 68 69 70 71 72 73 74 75 76 77 78 79 80 81 82 83 84 85 86 87 88 89 90 91 92 93 94 95 96 97 98 99 100 101 102 103 104 105 106 107 108 109 110 111 112 113 114 115 116 117 118 119 120 121 122 123 124 125 126 127 128 129 130 131 132 133 134 135 136 137 138 139 140 141 142 143 144 145 146 147 148 149 150 151 152 153 154 155 156 157 158 159 160 161 162 163 164 165 166 167 168 169 170 171 172 173 174 175 176 177 178 179 180 181 182 183 184 185 186 187 188 189 190 191 192 193 194 195 196 197 198 199 200 201 202 203 204 205 206 207 208 209 210 211 212 213 214 215 216 217 218 219 220 221 222 223 224 225 226 227 228 229 230 231 232 233 234 235 236 237 238 239 240 241 242 243 244 245 246 247 248 249 250 251 252 253 254 255 256 257 258 259 260 261 262 263 264 265 266 267 268 269 270 271 272 273 274 275 276 277 278 279 280 281 282 283 284 285 286 287 288 289 290 291 292 293 294 295 296 297 298 299 300 301 302 303 304 305 306 307 308 309 310 311 312 313 314 315 316 317 318 319 320 321 322 323 324 325 326 327 328 329 330 331 332 333 334 335 336 337 338 339 340 341 342 343 344 345 346 347 348 349 350 351 352 353 354 355 356 357 358 359 360