Marshmellofluff

So, I just got a call from a good friend today letting me know that a mutual friend of ours is planning a surprise party for my 21st tomorrow. I know a lot of people might think it's lame of her to ruin the surprise but I am SO glad she did because I am not the type of person who likes surprise parties.

For one thing, I prefer small gatherings of about 8-10 people, and according to my friend the guest list is upwards of thirty. For another, she invited people via facebook, and for the small gathering I was plannign there are two friends I wanted there who are NOT on facebook. For another, she has invited everyone from an organization we work in together. The kicker? I really don't care for most of them. They are all cheap, loud and immature. On top of that half of them are under 21 and she is inviting them to an establishment that starts carding at eight! Apparently she wants to 'sneak them in at seven'. This seems ridiculous to me. On top of that she has made no effort to check my schedule, my boyfriend and I moved this week and we still need to put things away, and my grandother needs help around her house this week end too (I had already volunteered to help her and she has company coming).

I know it seems ungrateful but I just feel pissed off that she CLEARLY hasn't listened to a word I said about my birthday. In fact, I feel like she is planning this more for her than for me. I've told her many times how I suffer from anxiety attacks and I HATE unplanned situations that I'm not in control of, and yet she does this?

At this point since the party is tomorrow I know I have to suck it up and go, because there's no calling it off. Still, she's done this for other people before and I feel like someone needs to tell her to stop meddling and to pay more attention to what people really want. The problem is she is EXTREMELY sensitive. I'm pretty sure if I tell her I didn't want the party she'll cry. I know in her heart she just wants everyone to have a good day, but I just can't believe she would do this.

One of the girls she invited I truly despise and she KNOWS this and yet still invited her. Why would she do this?

I need advice on how to gently break to her that in the future I (and I'm sure most people) would prefer to be consulted about matters like this. Any suggestions?

Daniel_

It's tough, but I guess you have to see it in the spirit it was meant. A friend thought they were doing you a good thing - I think it's best to smile and be humble. Have your "real" party another day with your 8 closest friends.

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Mr Man

It sounds like your friend underestimated how seriously you might feel about the situation. People can be like that though.. they just tend to imagine how THEY would feel if someone did it for them.

That said, you're just going to have to suck it up, throw caution to the wind and get onboard with it... its better than being all serious about it.

I know that sounds kind of insensitive of me cause you're clearly not happy about this, but its in your best interests to just get on with it and not be seen to make a fuss because it would probably look like ungratefulness.. and then there'll just be an unspoken shitstorm that nobody wants.

Anyway, you never know. It might turn out to be fun. Try to keep an open mind.. you don't know what it will be like yet.

genuinegirly

It's a good thing that your friend told you about this, but...
I see it as more of a problem that none of your friends told this person that this isn't the kind of thing you would enjoy. They should have steered her in a different direction with her planning as soon as they heard about it.

You need to express yourself better to your friends. They can't know your preferences unless you tell them. Apparently they don't know about the extent of your anxiety attacks. If any one of them was truly a close, best friend, they would have halted the party planner in her tracks.

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zenda

Hi Marshmellofluff

How did the party go?

If I'd found out that someone was going to do that to me, I would have felt similarly to the way you said. I voted for option number 1. However, along with Mr Man, I'd have suggested sucking it in and letting the party happen for strategic reasons. Would I have been able to take my own 'practical advice' if it had been me? I doubt it.

That's part of why I am curious ... if you did , after all, attend your party, there would have been enough of it being done 'under protest' that you expressed in your post.

My 21st had been intended to be a quiet day at home. Two musician friends asked if they could come around to play. That was OK. When they arrived, I mentioned it was my birthday. One of them disappeared and .. came back with Champagne! Suddenly, it was a 'party' ... my birthday was being 'celebrated'. So Yes, there was surprise, though I do not like surprises, but it was an Addition to what I was 'doing anyway', so it was like a lovely present, rather than a threatening 'uprooting'.
I've never been victim to things like surprise parties or those Paid-Stranger-Shame-U-To-Comply-ograms, partly, I suppose, because I express voluble disgust whenever such things are mentioned, and partly because I am lucky. I do know people who 'know' what others' good times and even their entire lives should consist of, and your situation reminded me of some thorns in my own paw.

So I'm wondering, did you go? Did you not go? And what do you reckon now?


And in answer to your question: she might be sensitive, and she might cry, but it seems her sensitivity is one-sided. She was not sensitive to you. Your birthday is over, and if you did attend your ... Her ... party, she might need it spelt out to her, or she might organize things for you again. "I survived the party ... I attended so's not to make a negative fuss, but I most definitely did not appreciate what you did. Never do it again'"

Best wishes

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ZENDA