Shizukana

Hi folks. It's been a while since I've posted here, but I'm posing this question because I know that this community tends to be more mature than the average one when it comes to giving accurate and solid helpful advice without trolling and stuff.

I'm 28 and like a girl. We've been friends for several months now, we hang out together and with groups of friends multiple times per week. In traditional beta male fashion, I have not made my feelings known - I'm fairly certain that my feelings are at least somewhat known already, so I haven't gone out of my way to spell it out or anything. Plus, she gets hit on and has guy friends telling her they like her every other week, so I'm content to sit back and watch guys act like idiots around her and just to be her friend right now.

Anyway - I'm moving over to her side of town for business purposes and her roommates happen to be moving out soon. She began discussing, jokingly one night, that I could move in. However, she's brought it up a few more times since and I now realize she's serious. I've been over there plenty of times to hang out, drink, play video games, listen to music, etc. We both have similar dogs, similar interests, and we get along great. We also talk over FB, text, and/or email daily.

I'm fairly certain moving in ends any possibility of any sort of relationship (or f-buddy scenarios), but I have no reason to believe that she is interested in anything other than a friendship with me, either. The body language and other signs just aren't there. I also tend to believe that if she WAS interested in me, she wouldn't be offering the option of moving in, as I think, knowing her, she would want to somewhat keep her distance and move slowly on that front. The whole thing makes sense from a monetary perspective, the location of the house is decent but not EXACTLY where I want, but for some reason I get the feeling that I shouldn't do it so that I don't ruin any opportunity or possibility of something down the road. I could tell her how I feel, I'm certainly not afraid to, but literally 5 of her friends have made similar confessions lately and she always tells me how frustrated she is by it, so I don't think the timing would be great right now on that.

What do you folks think?

Thanks in advance!

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"The power of accurate observation is frequently called cynicism by those who don't have it." - George Bernard Shaw

Kookookachoo

Is she, perhaps, telling you that she's frustrated by all of these pronouncements of feelings in order to make it clear to you that she is not interested in them...and making sure you know she isn't interested in them...so you can move forward.

I would have a hard time moving in under these circumstances unless I spoke to her about my feelings. That will mean one of two things: 1) she reciprocates and admits she was inviting you to move in with her in hopes that something would develop; 2) she says, "oh no, not again" and you can't move in. And, since you're saying the place isn't perfect for you, #2 isn't totally bad.

Talk to her, tell her that you know she's been bombarded with this stuff recently and that you were hesitant to talk about it but the situation has come to a head.

Good luck...hope it goes well.

Plan9

Don't do it.

This can only end like a romantic comedy... except the music doesn't swell and you don't get the girl in a glorious full frontal scene.

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Whatever you can carry.

"You should not drink... and bake."

KirStang

1. Ask her to come in to your room to watch a movie.
2. Leave no seats.
3. Sit on the bed
4. ?????
5. PROFIT.

I'm being facetious (and I apologize in advance), but....this has worked...for me...many times...

On the other hand, if she's using you, you're in the friend zone. Don't make the jump and end up being her awkward roomate while her headboard repeatedly slams about the room. I wasted a metric shit-ton of time and effort with this one girl who solidly friended me.

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Shizukana

Kookookachoo - Yeah, that's entirely possible and/or probable. And if that's the case, that's fine. It would make it even more feasible for me to move in because I know that I'm solidly in the friend zone instead of "having a chance." Ya know?

KirStang - I don't think she's using me, really. We're pretty good friends, and I don't give her anything, buy her drinks, dote over her, or any of that. We sit around and have a good time and share a lot of common interests, but that's pretty much it right now. Of course, I've thought about what might happen if/when she brought someone home, but if that happened it would only serve to further cement the friend-zone and therefore I can reduce my expectations. Make sense?

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"The power of accurate observation is frequently called cynicism by those who don't have it." - George Bernard Shaw

chinese crested

You have the chance for a sneak attack - show how indespensible you are. You could discuss small house rules - like overnight guests warning might be nice in case one of you is sprawled in a dressing gown on the couch with a face mask on whilst waiting for the waxed area to stop bleeding, or working along to a workout tape with some gat guy in pink spandex. I think some things are normal in a shared house. Nothing ventured nothing gained - but dont go so far as to make her uncomfortable. You might find out living together is utter hell, and save yourself the time of dating.
If a man reduces her to tears, be her friend, get her to slip into her equivalent of a little black frock - and tell her nearly all men are bastards - and you should know because you are one - and he doesnt deserve her - take her out looking good - the things a mate would do. Can you ask for a trial basis - be honest nearer to work would be easier, but maybe a six month trial as you think her company might be worth the extra effort. If its not going to work out, you can give notice and give her time to find someone else, and if she doesnt like living with you, she can do the same. More of a long visit that isnt it? If you want to take the relationship further, perhaps an ideal time to discuss it would be then.
When she tries a new look, notice it and say something positive, give her a warm smile to carry through the day.

Shizukana

Chinese - Your advice is good, but doesn't that pretty much put me firmly in the friend zone barring some, to borrow something that's already been said, romantic comedy-esque situation?

Or is it that I'm pretty much already there, so try to make the best of it and play the "long game?"

I'm not saying I disagree, and actually, your idea sounds like what I generally do with women in which I have some interest. It's pretty beta male of me, but it has certainly worked. I just have conflicting thoughts about that line of action with her.

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"The power of accurate observation is frequently called cynicism by those who don't have it." - George Bernard Shaw

chinese crested

Its nice to be nice. Maybe you could be more honest, ask her if she thinks the reality of living with you might put her off of ever dating you - like to keep your options open, because theres a lot worse out there - ha ha.
Living with someone is certainly different than hanging out. Nice to see you can be a bit of a thoughtfull romantic.

Ourcrazymodern?

Shizukana, would you be able to stand living with her if it turned out she didn't want you?

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BE JUST AND FEAR NOT

Shizukana

Yeah, I'm pretty sure I'd be fine with it. She's a good friend and we have lots of similar interests. I've basically decided that, if I DO go through with it, I have to go into it with the understanding that it's highly likely nothing will ever happen between us, or at least not to have any expectations of anything happening.

Thanks everyone!

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"The power of accurate observation is frequently called cynicism by those who don't have it." - George Bernard Shaw

genuinegirly

I've never had much success living with friends.

Correction:
I have made many friends through the process of being roommates, but I have not retained close friendships with friends whose friendship was established before rooming. My spouse is the only exception.

Honestly, it sounds like she just isn't in a place in her life right now where she wants to think about relationships. She has turned down a number of male friends when they have advanced - this makes for a good opportunity for observation for you. Has she kept these guys as friends after they have expressed their interest? If not, there's no reason to make a move if you appreciate her as a friend. Just keep things on the current level until she indicates she wants more.

The fact that she is confiding in you means nothing. It could go both ways - she could trust you as a friend or she might want more. It doesn't work to read anything into it.

You can ask her flat-out why she wants to have you as a roommate. I assume her reasoning is not unlike your own - she enjoys your company, she thinks you two will work out as roommates.

Have you lived with anyone outside of family? Are you familiar with "typical" roommate dynamics? Do you have any sisters?

Have you discussed your standards of cleanliness, schedules, and other things that come up with shared spaces? You say your dogs are similar, have they spent any time together? Are you certain your dog is sufficiently resilient to deal well with an eventual split?

Look for other places to live. See if you can find that perfect place. Sometimes, in the process of looking, the definition of perfect changes. You may realize that for whatever reason her place is better than anyplace else you come across. In that case, you can move in with a clear conscience, and the knowledge that you're not just moving in so you can occasionally get a glimpse of a hot chick in her underwear.

I hope this next bit doesn't bother other women, but I feel a need to share a few realities of living with women:
we don't always wear cute lingerie
we don't always smell pretty
the application of makeup and hair products is not a tidy process

Here's a summary of a number of female roommate experiences I have enjoyed over the years: One roommate left the bathroom after hours of prep - with a thick coating of hairspray on the mirror each morning. Another wouldn't discuss her frustrations about our differences in schedule and decided to toss me across the room multiple times as a means of expressing herself. Several of the women that I have lived with were anorexic. Most of them had no clue how to clean, and I had to teach at least three of them how to do their own laundry. One roommate decided it was fun to have her gymnast friends over for parties every evening at 2am when I had to work at 4am. One of my roommates never said a word to me. There were times when I found an excellent group of women to live with, where we studied for classes and cooked together regularly. There were other semesters when I would spend evenings in the library so I didn't have to deal with roommates. Then there was the women's co-op in Berkeley, a delightful gaggle of girls that I left as soon as possible because I wasn't comfortable with the perpetual reek of dried menstruation.

Since you've already spent so much time at her place, you are likely familiar with how she typically lives. If you think this is a good idea, go for it. Just make sure you weigh your options and realize that life with a woman is not always rainbows and butterflies.

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"Sometimes I have to remember that things are brought to me for a reason, either for my own lessons or for the benefit of others." Cynthetiq

"violence is no more or less real than non-violence." roachboy

Plan9

Damn, GenuineGirly, when did you get all tough love? I like it. Work that ugly reality angle.

...

That and a good number of men are aware that girls are basically just men with boobs. I believe the phrase is "a mustache with titties." I mean, I don't think the OP is confused about girls that look like hell in the morning or that they do, in fact, poop. I think it's more of a I-wanna-relationship issue. My understanding is that the OP doesn't want this to be any woman, but instead... his woman. And 5 of her (way too many) male friends have confessed their undying love recently. It's a classic '80s dork moment so he's either gotta get that boombox on his shoulder in the rain or move the fuck out.

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Whatever you can carry.

"You should not drink... and bake."

Poetry

The rest of the advice was okay from this, but what I snagged above... don't do that. That's classic Nice Guy Syndrome and it's creepy as hell.

If she's complaining to you about her guy friends confessing their feelings to her, then she's warding you off. I do it all the time. Sometimes, when I have lunch with one male friend and dinner with another (that are knowingly in the friend category), I'll bounce them off each other in conversation, just to enforce how little I enjoy my guy friends disclosing romantic interest towards me. It's the equivalent of the "I have a boyfriend" line for guys that know you're single.

If you move in with her, do so under total (and I really mean total) acceptance of maintaining a platonic relationship. If you don't, she'll know it. It might be subconscious, but she'll pick up on it and things will get awkward really fast.

HOWEVER...

Spending time together breeds familiarity, sometimes breeds sexual interest and/or love. If it happens, it happens. Don't force it. Don't hope for it. Just live your life, date, screw, work, and if it comes up, it comes up.

Also, you could move in temporarily, just as a way to find your bearings, find out what area/street/whatever you want to be in, having less of a commute in the meantime while she looks for a more permanent roommate and has the time to find one that would actually work out for her.

Which could be nice.

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"You know what? Fuck the moon! He controls our water and our women. I've had enough!"

Plan9

...or he could just pick up his nuts and find his own male roomie/drinking buddy/wingman and use OKCupid for its original purpose: multitasking.

Moving in with this woman is totally not an option. Might be an option for a spineless worm that wants to sniff used panties, but not a real man.

I'm all for this "feelings" shit, but let's get down to it: Dude has a far better chance finding something on his own after moving out on his own.

...

Anybody else find the OPs signature ironic?

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Whatever you can carry.

"You should not drink... and bake."

Mantus

I'm with Plan9 on calling this one.

It's not going to be pretty when she takes one of those "guys act like idiots" home and fuck his brains out all night while you listen on the other side of the wall - and that just the tip. Wait till the drama and "oh I can't make the rent this month, can you help me out, shit".

I know you framed this as a question of getting a roommate but I just don't see it that way. You gota deal with this shit cuz it's getting creepy.

Or it could end with you getting married on a beach in Thailand next to a crashed boat and a fresh tattoo on your face *shrug*

EventHorizon

this

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Does Marcellus Wallace have the appearance of a female canine? Then for what reason did you attempt to copulate with him as if he were a female canine?

Quote:

Originally Posted by canuckguy Pretty simple really, do your own thing as long as it does not fuck with anyone's enjoyment of life.