Death, and two different reactions - Tilted Forum Project Discussion Community

absorbentishe · 07-11-2004, 07:35 AM

Okay, sort of a rant but I'll try to make it short.

My aunt died in december, then a family friend died one week ago. In both cases, my parents were pretty matter of fact, and seemed uncaring. Now, my brothers and sister were like well it's finally time that the aunt died. Now our family friend was more like an aunt to us all, my brothers and sister, and they cared more that she died than our own aunt? What the fuck? Yes, we all had our issues with our aunt, but she was flesh and blood, and our friend was close, but now related.

I guess in the long run, I'm happy I had made peace with my aunt, but my siblings will always hold their grudges toward her. But she was family non-the-less. Funny how two deaths can have two completely different reactions.

SinisterMotives · 07-11-2004, 07:43 AM

It's unfortunate that your siblings didn't make peace with their aunt, but don't make too much of the fact that they seemingly loved one person more than the other. We all pick who we want to be close to. I have so many family members I've never met that I probably wouldn't miss most of them if they died.

maleficent · 07-11-2004, 07:52 AM

You can't pick your family, you can pick your friends. Friends are those I choose to be with, people I have relationships with because I want to, not because we're related by blood.

My father's sister died a few months ago, I have a hard time calling her an aunt, because I rarely saw her, I went to the funeral, because I had to, and met a bunch of relatives for the firsts time. Next time I hope to see these people, is the next family funeral.

A family friend died last year. This woman I have known forever. She wasn't family by blood, she was family by choice. I went to her funeral to pay my respects because I wanted to go. I reconnected with a bunch of people who I knew forever, who also attended this funeral.

Reaction to a person's death has more to do with your relationship to them, than to the actual blood relation. I have a hard time mourning someone I really didn't know, and someone who didn't know me.

I honestly don't think your sibling's reactions are wrong or out of line. Just because people are blood, doesn't mean that you have to love them and miss them when they are gone.

raeanna74 · 07-11-2004, 08:34 AM

It is sad when people hold grudges. The result can be alienation the rest of their life. They really have no idea what kind of things they can be missing out on.

On the other hand it can be painful when family slights you and hard to forgive. I hope that I alienate no one because of intended or pervsieved slights.

My former pastor and his wife became close friends of our family to the point that my brother and I call them Aunt N and Uncle D. They attended my granduation, my wedding, and visited me in the hospital. They ACTED like family more than many of my other aunts and uncles. Most of my extended family lives out of state and some across the country so it's hard to be emotionally close to them. I am glad to say that I hold no grudges and would show respect and show up at their funeral at least.

Uncle D is suffering from Alzheimers and it has been painful for us to watch. Even my hubby which has only known them for about 5 years has shown sorrow at his suffering. He has known their love and friendship and feels close to them as well as my family does.

I think what makes the difference - They showed love to everyone they met. They were generous, helpful, friendly, and reached out to many. They made an impact on many lives and I'm sure many will grieve their passing when it comes.

Those that don't grieve and have held any grudges for any reason are the ones missing out.

07-11-2004, 07:35 AM	#1 (permalink)
absorbentishe Boy am I horny today Location: T O L E D O, Toledo!!	Death, and two different reactions Okay, sort of a rant but I'll try to make it short. My aunt died in december, then a family friend died one week ago. In both cases, my parents were pretty matter of fact, and seemed uncaring. Now, my brothers and sister were like well it's finally time that the aunt died. Now our family friend was more like an aunt to us all, my brothers and sister, and they cared more that she died than our own aunt? What the fuck? Yes, we all had our issues with our aunt, but she was flesh and blood, and our friend was close, but now related. I guess in the long run, I'm happy I had made peace with my aunt, but my siblings will always hold their grudges toward her. But she was family non-the-less. Funny how two deaths can have two completely different reactions.

07-11-2004, 07:52 AM	#3 (permalink)
maleficent Junkie Moderator Emeritus Location: Chicago	You can't pick your family, you can pick your friends. Friends are those I choose to be with, people I have relationships with because I want to, not because we're related by blood. My father's sister died a few months ago, I have a hard time calling her an aunt, because I rarely saw her, I went to the funeral, because I had to, and met a bunch of relatives for the firsts time. Next time I hope to see these people, is the next family funeral. A family friend died last year. This woman I have known forever. She wasn't family by blood, she was family by choice. I went to her funeral to pay my respects because I wanted to go. I reconnected with a bunch of people who I knew forever, who also attended this funeral. Reaction to a person's death has more to do with your relationship to them, than to the actual blood relation. I have a hard time mourning someone I really didn't know, and someone who didn't know me. I honestly don't think your sibling's reactions are wrong or out of line. Just because people are blood, doesn't mean that you have to love them and miss them when they are gone. __________________ Free your heart from hatred. Free your mind from worries. Live simply. Give more. Expect less.

07-11-2004, 08:34 AM	#4 (permalink)
raeanna74 I'm not a blonde! I'm knot! I'm knot! I'm knot! Location: Upper Michigan	It is sad when people hold grudges. The result can be alienation the rest of their life. They really have no idea what kind of things they can be missing out on. On the other hand it can be painful when family slights you and hard to forgive. I hope that I alienate no one because of intended or pervsieved slights. My former pastor and his wife became close friends of our family to the point that my brother and I call them Aunt N and Uncle D. They attended my granduation, my wedding, and visited me in the hospital. They ACTED like family more than many of my other aunts and uncles. Most of my extended family lives out of state and some across the country so it's hard to be emotionally close to them. I am glad to say that I hold no grudges and would show respect and show up at their funeral at least. Uncle D is suffering from Alzheimers and it has been painful for us to watch. Even my hubby which has only known them for about 5 years has shown sorrow at his suffering. He has known their love and friendship and feels close to them as well as my family does. I think what makes the difference - They showed love to everyone they met. They were generous, helpful, friendly, and reached out to many. They made an impact on many lives and I'm sure many will grieve their passing when it comes. Those that don't grieve and have held any grudges for any reason are the ones missing out. __________________ "Always learn the rules so that you can break them properly." Dalai Lama My Karma just ran over your Dogma.

07-11-2004, 07:43 AM	#2 (permalink)
SinisterMotives Junkie	It's unfortunate that your siblings didn't make peace with their aunt, but don't make too much of the fact that they seemingly loved one person more than the other. We all pick who we want to be close to. I have so many family members I've never met that I probably wouldn't miss most of them if they died.