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Old 02-21-2005, 11:43 AM   #1 (permalink)
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Found e-mail... Contact her?

Oh, wise dating pros of TFP, I require your superpowers/experience :-)

I went snowboarding on Sunday with a group of people. Most of them I already knew from the student housing where I live. Three of them were acquaintancies (sp?) of a guy living where I live, among which was also a very cute girl, which I immediately liked.

So, we had a lot of fun snowboarding, taking breaks, following each other's lead on the slope (the whole group, not just me and she). During our breaks, I talked to her I bit, and I also caught her looking at me and smiling... more often than I am normally used to . I smiled back, was nice, made some small talk about the mountain, the snow, how it would be cool to ride while listening to music etc, generally tried to be interesting without becoming boring (those reading David DeAngelo's newsletter will understand ).

Unfortunately, I didn't get her number, although I was planning to. So, I was thinking of contacting her to arrange a meeting. For the record, that would be my first date in more than 3 months, and my first date with someone I just met without prior contact in the university/work or otherwise. But it's OK, I feel cool about that, not shy or anything.

As I don't have her phone number, I have two possibilities:
  1. Ask her phone number from our common acquaintance
  2. Find her e-mail
Choice a) might be possible, if the guy has her number. I am still unsure about dealing through a middle-man though... It might seem needy (?). How would you think she would take it, if I called her out of the blue?

Choice b) is accomplished, in the sense that I have already found her e-mail in the university's student e-mail directory. As she is an exchange student though, I can't know whether she uses the uni's e-mail, so I'm a bit reluctant to send an email which could stay on the mail server for months to come.

What should I do? I personally have no conscience problem with either option. I'm interested, so I'll try to communicate. If nothing comes out of it, too bad, the grass is always greener on the other side. I'm more concerned about what is the more "polite" and "non-creepy" (to her of course) approach.

I'd really like an informed opinion on that
 
Old 02-21-2005, 11:50 AM   #2 (permalink)
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Ask for the number. If you e-mail her out of the blue, she may or may not take it very well. Some people are impressed at resourcefulness, but most will view it as an invasion of privacy.
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Old 02-21-2005, 11:59 AM   #3 (permalink)
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I agree with kestrel... just ask her for her number. It sets a certain precedent if you ask her face to face than just snooping (I use the term lightly) to find her email and contact her.
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Old 02-21-2005, 12:03 PM   #4 (permalink)
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You guys must not have read his original post. I agree that he should ask her for her number, but he can't. Now he either has to email her, or ask his friend as a middle man if he knows her number. He can't ask her directly.

Bah! Just shoot her an email. Tell her that you forgot to get her number the other day, so you looked up her name on the email accounts at school. No big deal. Just keep it light and you won't come off as a stalker. Mention that you had fun boarding with her and ask if she is free to get together.

If she doesn't reply then you are stuck, but she likely will. Good luck!
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Last edited by braisler; 02-21-2005 at 12:05 PM..
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Old 02-21-2005, 12:06 PM   #5 (permalink)
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Hmmmm...

Thanks for the replies.

The problem is, there is no way I can see her again and ask her number, as she is at another campus (no chance of meeting her during classes etc), so I have no direct contact with her. The only possibility would be if there were a group meeting again, where this guy invites her to. Which is quite improbable (I barely know him, so I can't really arrange going out with his group of friends)...

EDIT: Braisler, you beat me to further clarification ;-)

Last edited by PgUpPgDown; 02-21-2005 at 12:07 PM.. Reason: clarification
 
Old 02-21-2005, 12:13 PM   #6 (permalink)
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sorry I didn't realize she was at another campus..I must have missed that somehow. I guess the only option you have is to email her..
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Old 02-21-2005, 12:16 PM   #7 (permalink)
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So, you too think that using a middleman is never the right approach?
 
Old 02-21-2005, 12:25 PM   #8 (permalink)
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I would say that the middleman thing would be more creepy. Why involve somebody outside into your contact if you don't have to? The only exception that I could see to this would be if you were both really good friends with this hypothetical middleman.

But just play it cool when you drop her an email. If she felt the connection, she'll get right back to you and you can set up a date to meet up. If you come on too strong and go on for too long about how you thought you had this real connection on the slopes the other day, then you look like a goof. My experience is that women like a confident, secure guy. Play on this and you should get a good response.
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Old 02-21-2005, 12:25 PM   #9 (permalink)
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Quote:
Originally Posted by braisler
You guys must not have read his original post. I agree that he should ask her for her number, but he can't. Now he either has to email her, or ask his friend as a middle man if he knows her number. He can't ask her directly.

Bah! Just shoot her an email. Tell her that you forgot to get her number the other day, so you looked up her name on the email accounts at school. No big deal. Just keep it light and you won't come off as a stalker. Mention that you had fun boarding with her and ask if she is free to get together.

If she doesn't reply then you are stuck, but she likely will. Good luck!
No, I did understand that there was a middle man, and I'm reiterating, that's the option that is less creepy.
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Old 02-21-2005, 12:25 PM   #10 (permalink)
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it's the right approach sometimes but in this situation I'd say that the email is probably a better option. I mean.. you guys did talk and shit on the mountain so as long as it's a light email or something then it should be fine. With the email you can say what you want without worry of "middle man" construing it in some other fashion. I'd keep the email short and sweet though.. or if you have to.. just see if she has messenger and go that route.. god did I just say that?
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Old 02-21-2005, 12:28 PM   #11 (permalink)
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Quote:
Originally Posted by guccilvr
it's the right approach sometimes but in this situation I'd say that the email is probably a better option. I mean.. you guys did talk and shit on the mountain so as long as it's a light email or something then it should be fine. With the email you can say what you want without worry of "middle man" construing it in some other fashion. I'd keep the email short and sweet though.. or if you have to.. just see if she has messenger and go that route.. god did I just say that?
I willl concede that this is a good point. Middlemen can fuck up a message really well. Like an episode of "Three's Company" without the laugh track or happy ending.

Basically, you dropped the ball man. There's that critical moment to ask for the number. Live and learn.
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Old 02-21-2005, 12:36 PM   #12 (permalink)
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Quote:
Originally Posted by FngKestrel
Basically, you dropped the ball man. There's that critical moment to ask for the number. Live and learn.
I guess so
 
Old 02-21-2005, 12:40 PM   #13 (permalink)
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Quote:
Originally Posted by PgUpPgDown
I guess so
Of course, that doesn't mean you shouldn't try. Just saying that both options have a good chance of getting thwarted.
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Old 02-21-2005, 02:10 PM   #14 (permalink)
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Quote:
Originally Posted by FngKestrel
Of course, that doesn't mean you shouldn't try. Just saying that both options have a good chance of getting thwarted.
Sure man... After all, "The greatest regret is the regret of inaction.", as someone wisely put it in another TFP thread.

Anyway, I sent a pretty light e-mail just a few moments ago. I'll keep you informed, because honestly, I'm also interested to see if I can save the situation
 
Old 02-21-2005, 02:15 PM   #15 (permalink)
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Quote:
Originally Posted by guccilvr
you guys did talk on the mountain so as long as it's a light email or something then it should be fine. With the email you can say what you want without worry of "middle man" construing it in some other fashion. I'd keep the email short and sweet though..
Thanks for the answer! I went with a short, witty (NOT cheesy ) e-mail in the end. I don't really see anything objectionable with that.

In any case, I agree with you on the "middle man". I've had some very bad experiences with that "method" during my high school (when I was pretty shy and quite the introvert).

Last edited by PgUpPgDown; 02-21-2005 at 02:16 PM.. Reason: smiley problem
 
Old 02-21-2005, 02:29 PM   #16 (permalink)
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If I was in her situation, I wouldn't mind the email and might even be impressed (depending on how I felt about the guy). I think the key is to not be pushy or pressure her, and leave the next step up to her - otherwise she might feel like she just picked up a stalker. I understand you already sent an email, so hopefully it'll strike the right note. Good luck!
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Old 02-21-2005, 02:31 PM   #17 (permalink)
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the point is to leave the ball in her court.. (like squishor said) so ..email her..and leave it alone
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Old 02-21-2005, 07:31 PM   #18 (permalink)
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My first choice would be to use Facebook. Your university may have it and it seems to be a decent non-creepy way of contacting someone you already know.
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Old 02-21-2005, 11:13 PM   #19 (permalink)
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Sorry, no facebook...
 
Old 02-22-2005, 06:58 AM   #20 (permalink)
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he isnt asking the middle man to deliver a message, just for a number...

i dunno...either would work. but keep the first message/call low key.
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Old 02-22-2005, 07:21 AM   #21 (permalink)
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yeah but the point is.. the middleman is more than likely going to say something to her. Even if he just asked him for her number.. he'd run back(eventually) and say "this guy was askin for your number" and could make it sound all weird.. it's always better just to do things yourself when it comes to these situations.. at least it has been in my experiences.
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Old 02-22-2005, 04:22 PM   #22 (permalink)
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get your aquaitanc ( i cant spell) to hang out with both of you again and get the number fomr her :-D

problem solved :-D
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Old 02-22-2005, 04:31 PM   #23 (permalink)
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My Advice........E-Mail her. There is absolutely no reason to even think about this as too forward. And to not take the risk of rejection is to accept failure. Just USE your confidence and get in touch....there is nothing to lose and much to gain.
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Old 02-22-2005, 07:25 PM   #24 (permalink)
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Quote:
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My Advice........E-Mail her. There is absolutely no reason to even think about this as too forward. And to not take the risk of rejection is to accept failure. Just USE your confidence and get in touch....there is nothing to lose and much to gain.
Exactly. The worst thing that can happen if you e-mail her is that she won't reply. And if you don't e-mail don't, you have no chance at all.
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Old 02-22-2005, 11:25 PM   #25 (permalink)
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Exactly. The worst thing that can happen if you e-mail her is that she won't reply. And if you don't e-mail don't, you have no chance at all.
Heh... It seems as if everyone is so eager to give me hints and tips Thanks!

As I mentioned earlier, I already e-mailed her two days ago. Still no answer though. I suspect that she doesn't check her university e-mail account at all, because she is an exchange student, and like most exchange students, she doesn't bother to change her e-mail address just for one semester.

In that case, I have to do something else to contact her. I've been thinking of asking our common acquaintance to tell her to check her university e-mail address

However, I don't know if this is the right thing to do, as it sounds a bit too weird to me.
 
Old 02-23-2005, 07:51 AM   #26 (permalink)
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I'd go with the phone call myself. You say you don't know the middleman very well but you guys all hung out on the slopes together, he probably doesn't think of you as a weirdo.

I was thinking as I was reading the thread, 'What if she doesn't reply to your e-mail?' If she's interested in you but doesn't check her mail then you'll be in limbo, where if you don't hear from her you don't know if she didn't read it or if she's rejected you.

Even if the middleman tells her 'This guy was asking for your number', she remembers how you were on the slopes, and if you make another good impression on the phone then she'll know you're not a freaky creepy weirdo. And you can get a decent 'Yes' or 'No' from her on the phone without worrying whether she's rejected you or is oblivious to all of this.

So what're you going to do now? She hasn't replied in two days, do you call her or just leave it be? If she doesn't mention the e-mail next time you see her, but is still friendly, do you ask if she got it and possibly make it awkward, or just forget it and miss the opportunity?

I say it's not too late to ask her friend for her number, give her a call and just casually mention that you sent her an e-mail but she must not have got it. Then you'll know for sure if she'll date you.

*High five*
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Old 02-23-2005, 02:40 PM   #27 (permalink)
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Newsflash!

Quote:
So what're you going to do now? She hasn't replied in two days, do you call her or just leave it be? If she doesn't mention the e-mail next time you see her, but is still friendly, do you ask if she got it and possibly make it awkward, or just forget it and miss the opportunity?
OK, I have news. So, after two days and still no answer, I can only conclude that she doesn't check her university e-mail address at all (being an Erasmus exchange student and all). With the preface of getting some photos of the event from the guy, we chatted a bit, so I'm cool with that, having made a good impression.

I casually asked him whether he has any phone number of hers, he said he doesn't. Then I thought, well WTF, if I don't stir the waters a bit, nothing is going to come out of it for sure. I told him that I sent her an email but she probably doesn't check her account, and bingo, he knew that she uses her own e-mail from her home university (told you so). Now, this is completely surreal IMO: I told him to remind her of checking her email if he sees her (which he does, everyday).

Good or whack? Who knows, at least there is a possibility of communicating. About the middleman problem, I don't think there's going to be any weird situations, this guy seems cool.

Extra added bonus: there might be a possibility of going again snowboarding together this weekend

Not all hope is lost. Even if nothing comes out of this story, the moral is: ALWAYS grab the chance to get the phone number when the moment is right. Otherwise you end up doing crazy stuff, such as those described herein
 
Old 02-24-2005, 08:09 AM   #28 (permalink)
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If this middleman guy seems cool, and you say he is, and he told you about her other e-mail address then it sounds like you'll have no worries.

Good luck mate
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Old 02-24-2005, 01:06 PM   #29 (permalink)
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You have to go for it, you only live once and you don't want to have any regrets do you? What is the worst that could happen?
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Old 03-14-2005, 05:10 PM   #30 (permalink)
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I was AFK for a couple of weeks, so it wasn't possible to provide all of you with an earlier update.

Anyway, I got an answer approx 1.5 weeks after I sent the e-mail, which is pretty bad by 2005 telecommunication standards...

I was a bit surprised to find out that I must have misread the signals (the signals I thought she gave out, that she might be interested in keeping contact). She wrote "Thanks for the coffee offer but I will have to decline, I am sure we will see each other around though, the town isn't that big!". Well, that doesn't ring very optimistic, so I dropped it.

Although I don't mind that much, I'm pretty bummed at her formal "declining the coffee offer". It's just coffee FFS, how innocent is that? I mean, it's OK if she's not attracted and all that, but I wouldn't mind getting to know her better.

Anyway, I'm kind of diverging, so I'll cut the report here Thanks to everyone who took the time to give me some insight!
 
Old 03-14-2005, 05:38 PM   #31 (permalink)
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Old 03-15-2005, 11:17 AM   #32 (permalink)
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I agree with sending the email, I don't think it is creepy at all as the uni email is public and there for that purpose, to look people up. However, where you went wrong I think is asking her out over email, light chatting through email then asking her for her number would have been better IMO. Then asking her out over the phone, or even treat it like you met her over the interenet and go from email, to IM, to #. I wouldn't be surprised if you DID read the signs right but she felt she was too busy to bother. It has been my experience that humans can lose interest pretty fast, or forget how they felt a couple weeks ago about someone they just met. Hope that makes sense, I really want to go into the psychology more but Im having difficulty saying it.
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Old 03-16-2005, 04:56 AM   #33 (permalink)
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Quote:
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light chatting through email then asking her for her number would have been better IMO. Then asking her out over the phone, or even treat it like you met her over the interenet and go from email, to IM, to #.
You're right. Maybe it was a bit too abrupt.

Live and learn
 
Old 03-16-2005, 08:07 AM   #34 (permalink)
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On situations like these, have no regrets. You put yourself out there a bit and got shot down, but at least you tried. Too much emphasis is placed on the approach at the perfect time. You can never truly know what is going on in someone else's head at any particular moment. Be yourself, approach women you are interested in and you will strike gold with some. It isn't your fault if someone isn't into you. It is their issue or needs that dictate whether they are interested in you or not at given time.
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