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Old 03-26-2008, 08:38 AM   #1 (permalink)
eats puppies and shits rainbows
 
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Location: An Area of Space Occupied by a Population, SC, USA
Cat Meets Pig

This is something I wrote for my theater teacher, who wanted a teen social issues-centric play, which I hate doing, so I just decided to roll with it. He ended up making me write something new on account of the apparent sexuality in the text, which I have yet to pick up on, personally.


CAT MEETS PIG

Lights fade in to vacant, wooded area.

[A PIG holding a hot dog and a CAT holding a pie enter.]

PIG
I want your pie. Unless it’s pecan, I don’t particularly care for pecan.

CAT
It’s cherry, made it myself. It’s all warm and fresh, but I’m saving it for someone else, later tonight. Right now I’m letting it cool a bit. I’m sorry.

PIG
I’m sure you are.

CAT
I really am sorry. I’m sure you’re a very nice pig and all, but this pie is important.

PIG
But… I want it so badly. Just one piece? One itty bitty witty piece?

[Beat]

Pweeeeez…?

CAT
No.

[Beat]

Is that… a hot dog?

PIG
Why, yes… yes it is.

CAT
I’ve never had a hotdog before; I’ve only ever eaten Italian sausage.

PIG
Well… I do enjoy a good cherry pie.

CAT
Well I’ll tell you what, you can dab your finger in my cherry pie if I can have your hotdog.

PIG
So, you want to eat my hotdog, while all I get is to dab my finger in your cherry pie? That affords me absolutely nothing but a sense of charity!

CAT
What! It’s a fantastic cherry pie!

PIG
And this is a foot-long!

CAT
That hardly matters! It has no effect on the taste whatsoever—quality of quantity!

PIG
Well, it’s very juicy.

CAT
Again, no significance.

PIG
And warm.

CAT
I want it. Now.

[CAT lunges at PIG, who dodges her.]

PIG
Don’t be like that! Maybe I’m saving my hotdog for the appropriate time. Lunch is a very important part of a young pig’s life.

CAT
Oh, bullshit!

PIG
Why can’t we just have an even, cut-and-dry trade?

CAT
My father—who is quite strict—will not let me give away my cherry pie until it is cooled and time for dinner.

PIG
That’s absurd! What’ll he do if you give away your cherry pie—in exchange for a hot dog, no less?

CAT
He’ll throw me in the oven.

PIG
Throw you in an oven?! What kind of father is that?

CAT
A loving one.

PIG
Loving, my ass! Sounds like a bloody sadist!

CAT
He’s not! If I keep my cherry pie until dinner, he’ll give me the upstairs room! Do you know how big our upstairs room is? It’s massive!

PIG
I’m sure.

CAT
It is!

PIG
How do you know you’ll get the upstairs room?

CAT
My daddy told me!

PIG
Yes, but how can you trust him?

CAT
He’s my father! He gave me life!

PIG
You could be adopted.

CAT
That’s a horrible, depressing thing to say! You ignorant pig! There’s no way something that… terrible could be true!

PIG
I’m just saying that there are always other possibilities.

CAT
Well, I’m right and you’re wrong and I’m keeping my cherry pie.

PIG
Oh come on! Don’t be so hasty! All I want is your pie!

CAT
And I want your hotdog but I’m perfectly willing to live without it.

PIG
But… but…

[Offers CAT the hotdog.]

I’ll give you a free bit.

CAT
I’m not going to fall for a trick like that.

PIG
What trick?

CAT
You’re going to snatch my pie while I’m eating your hotdog.

PIG
Am not! I just want you to see how much you like it.

CAT
Well, that is very sweet of you I suppose…

[Takes a bite of PIG’S hotdog. She gives an “mmm” of approval and snatches the hotdog and runs.]

Ha! I’ve got your hotdog and I’m not letting go! I’ve got your hotdog!

PIG
Hey, give it back!

[Chases CAT.]

Give it! Give it! What would your father think of you now!

[PIG pounces on CAT and BOTH fall on the ground. PIG takes the pie and devours it in several messy bites.]

CAT
No, my pie! Stop it! Help, someone help! A pig is eating my pie! A pig is eating my pie!

[Beat]

Fire! Fire!

[PIG finishes and stands, breathes roughly.]

PIG
It could have been a fair trade.

CAT
[Crying]

I don’t even want your hotdog anymore!

[Throws hotdog to the ground.]

Just leave me alone! Please! Oh, poppa…

PIG
Fine, I’m done with your pie anyway. See ya around, stupid little bitch.

[Exit PIG.]

CAT
Poppa is going to be so angry… oh, the ovens…

[CAT pulls out a razor and proceeds to cut her wrists, length-wise.]

Fade out.

THE END
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Old 03-26-2008, 09:28 AM   #2 (permalink)
Tilted Cat Head
 
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Location: Manhattan, NY
Nice read...

really? you don't pick up on the sexual nature of cherry pie and hot dog?


reminds me of the song from Poison

Quote:
She's my cherry pie,
Cool drink of water, such a sweet surprise.
Tastes so good, make a grown man cry,
Sweet cherry pie, oh yeah.

She's my cherry pie,
Put a smile on your face ten miles wide.
Looks so good, bring a tear to your eye,
Sweet cherry pie.
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Old 11-12-2008, 12:20 AM   #3 (permalink)
The Reforms
 
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Location: Rarely, if ever, here or there, but always in transition
This is a well-done piece, even if done on the fly, which has certain undertones that will have parents chuckling abashedly, while keeping the kiddies amused, perhaps pondering upon the values of sharing. I especially found the bantering and weighing of the options between the two parties amusing, like a verbal tug-of-war in trying to compromise the other's intentions.

I'm not quite sure if you decided to revise this story, or to create an entirely new one upon your director's request, now months later. But my criticism is this: The ending was very abrupt, its confusing resolution is forced, and could leave those wondering as to what the conclusion, and overall sense of the entire piece, is seeking to promote. Was this a tragedy? What understanding can be gained from the transgressions? How do we rationlize this? If you can just tweak the ending to actually leave us with an enduring thought, instead of maybe a "wtf just happened" moment, I can see this easily as an adult aesop's fable. It might allude to pigs being selfish, yet vulnerable, while cats are known to be fickle, yet yearn for pleasurable affection.

Good job.



"You’re going to snatch my pie while I’m eating your hotdog." --best one-line in the story; I'm still chortling at the prospect of a cartoon cat uttering this, especially in a Brit's accent.
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Old 11-12-2008, 06:11 AM   #4 (permalink)
You had me at hello
 
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Location: DC/Coastal VA
I thought Cherry Pie was by Warrant.
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Old 12-12-2008, 02:25 AM   #5 (permalink)
eats puppies and shits rainbows
 
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Location: An Area of Space Occupied by a Population, SC, USA
I just realized that you guys responded to this months later.

To answer your question Jet, I didn't revise the story. I ended up writing a new script, but when my teacher gave me a group of terrible actors and two shitty set design students, I said fuck it and just helped with others' projects.

I'll take your criticism into serious consideration if I ever decide to revise the skit, which I just might do if I ever come close to finishing my short fiction collection.
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Old 01-15-2009, 12:33 PM   #6 (permalink)
Junkie
 
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Location: Near Raleigh, NC
Funny little skit there. Nope, no sexual undertones at all.

The end makes sense to me as is. Sure the characters didn't learn and grow, but maybe I did, a little.... pie rape.... mmmm pie
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