Another excerpt begging criticism - Tilted Forum Project Discussion Community

chavos · 07-29-2003, 05:00 PM

whoa... This is a very quality work. The mental protrait that you develop is really awesome, and frightening at the same time.

It's a lot of straight narrator talk at a strech, but in context, it might work well, and i do realize you've got a lot to say there. It might help to convey some of it through interactions between erik and the narrator, but maybe not.

Quote:

They had renamed our days

Excellent passage there...you convey that fear/love of the other that is sneaking around in Nazi ideology. Other races are degenerate, other races will take us over with their cunning if we don't kill them...it's all double think, and you really hit that in this paragraph.

Many thanks for sharing...

J.R.V.A. · 07-29-2003, 08:24 PM

I like this, I am glad you posted more. English is not your first language yes? First when I read this, it seemed too complicated for me, like your vocabulary blew me away. Then, I read it again, and it started to make sense. Thanks

Zinserbruns1 · 07-29-2003, 10:41 PM

JRVA -- First, thanks for the feedback. Second, what about the excerpt gives you the impression that English is not my first language? (It is.)

Really, I'd be interested to know. I do try to word things in a non-standard way to make the narration more interesting, but maybe you're noticing something else.

Oh, and the dialogue is purposely modeled after the way native German speakers in my family tend to use English. That's why they say things like "Look over there once" instead of just "Look". I thought this might be better than just inserting untranslated words in italics, as many authors do. Possibly that approach isn't working...

Further thoughts would be more than welcome.

J.R.V.A. · 07-30-2003, 04:53 AM

Wow, you do a really good job of writing like you are trying to convey. You have done a good job. It fooled me, I cant put my finger on it, but it reminded me of somone talking that had learned english Maybe 4 or 5 years ago. It seems to work well, I was beliving you were there also. I think the way you overexplain some things is what does it for me. I think it is very good.I like this style, much better than a lot of words in italics.

07-29-2003, 04:20 PM	#1 (permalink)
Zinserbruns1 Upright	Another excerpt begging criticism ' Last edited by Zinserbruns1; 08-01-2003 at 09:28 PM..

07-29-2003, 08:24 PM	#3 (permalink)
J.R.V.A. Junkie Location: Utah	I like this, I am glad you posted more. English is not your first language yes? First when I read this, it seemed too complicated for me, like your vocabulary blew me away. Then, I read it again, and it started to make sense. Thanks __________________ And as she plays, her sweet song of laughter floats through the air and warms my heart

07-30-2003, 04:53 AM	#5 (permalink)
J.R.V.A. Junkie Location: Utah	Wow, you do a really good job of writing like you are trying to convey. You have done a good job. It fooled me, I cant put my finger on it, but it reminded me of somone talking that had learned english Maybe 4 or 5 years ago. It seems to work well, I was beliving you were there also. I think the way you overexplain some things is what does it for me. I think it is very good.I like this style, much better than a lot of words in italics. __________________ And as she plays, her sweet song of laughter floats through the air and warms my heart

07-29-2003, 10:41 PM	#4 (permalink)
Zinserbruns1 Upright	JRVA -- First, thanks for the feedback. Second, what about the excerpt gives you the impression that English is not my first language? (It is.) Really, I'd be interested to know. I do try to word things in a non-standard way to make the narration more interesting, but maybe you're noticing something else. Oh, and the dialogue is purposely modeled after the way native German speakers in my family tend to use English. That's why they say things like "Look over there once" instead of just "Look". I thought this might be better than just inserting untranslated words in italics, as many authors do. Possibly that approach isn't working... Further thoughts would be more than welcome.