You - Tilted Forum Project Discussion Community

Atropos4 · 04-23-2003, 01:28 PM

You

She opens her curtains
and lets the sun-shine through
The sun rays warm her body
While she thinks of you
The crystal near the window
forms rainbows on her wall
The overwhelming feeling
Does she know you at all?

The sun is setting
and the day is dieing
Where were you
when she was crying?

It begins to rain
The sky turns dark
She tries to hide
Her broken heart
Her room is dark
The light down low
She wonders if
You even know

The sun is setting
and the day is dieing
Where were you
when she was crying?

scarebearjinx · 04-23-2003, 01:37 PM

wow, thats really touching. it made me cry. great stuff man.

J.R.V.A. · 04-23-2003, 03:56 PM

Very good

*Nikki* · 04-23-2003, 04:05 PM

I liked that a lot......you have a way of writing a lot like my own. Great work

little limey · 04-23-2003, 05:44 PM

I like how the room reflects her emotions

Angel · 04-24-2003, 03:06 AM

"The crystal near the window forms rainbows on her wall"

I love this line! It grabs me and pulls me through.

Nice work.

Golux · 04-24-2003, 11:17 PM

I wish I had something better to say than amazing... but I don't. Your stuff is really good, your meter is beautiful and your presence is undeniable, keep writing.

Dorian_S · 04-25-2003, 12:27 AM

The way you repeat the refrain really pulls the reader into it... it makes me feel almost anxious. Excellent stuff.

QuasiMojo · 04-25-2003, 05:14 PM

Those first six lines pulled me in...very hopeful.
then...
the regret.

keep on

Atropos4 · 04-26-2003, 11:19 AM

Thank you all for your kind comments.

*Nikki*
I've noticed the same thing

jdwhite2003 · 04-27-2003, 09:08 PM

Great poem, I like the rhyme, it doesn't seem forced.

Cheers,
JD

Eowyn_Vala · 05-09-2003, 05:29 PM

I love this one. This poem is one of my favorites probably because I've been there. It is so insightful and I feel like you have found a way to tell others in such beautiful words. Whenever I try to express feeling like that I turn bitter and I just can't.

04-23-2003, 01:28 PM	#1 (permalink)
Atropos4 Think about it Location: North Carolina	You You She opens her curtains and lets the sun-shine through The sun rays warm her body While she thinks of you The crystal near the window forms rainbows on her wall The overwhelming feeling Does she know you at all? The sun is setting and the day is dieing Where were you when she was crying? It begins to rain The sky turns dark She tries to hide Her broken heart Her room is dark The light down low She wonders if You even know The sun is setting and the day is dieing Where were you when she was crying? __________________ Minds are like parachutes. They work better open. "If I were Hermione, I would have licked his pantleg."

04-23-2003, 03:56 PM	#3 (permalink)
J.R.V.A. Junkie Location: Utah	Very good __________________ And as she plays, her sweet song of laughter floats through the air and warms my heart

04-24-2003, 03:06 AM	#6 (permalink)
Angel Naughty Just Right Location: Euphoria	"The crystal near the window forms rainbows on her wall" I love this line! It grabs me and pulls me through. Nice work. __________________ In the depth of winter, I finally learned that there was within me an invincible summer. ~Albert Camus

04-25-2003, 05:14 PM	#9 (permalink)
QuasiMojo King Knave Location: Lancaster	Those first six lines pulled me in...very hopeful. then... the regret. keep on __________________ AzAbOv ZoBeLoE

04-26-2003, 11:19 AM	#10 (permalink)
Atropos4 Think about it Location: North Carolina	Thank you all for your kind comments. Nikki I've noticed the same thing __________________ Minds are like parachutes. They work better open. "If I were Hermione, I would have licked his pantleg."

04-23-2003, 01:37 PM	#2 (permalink)
scarebearjinx Psycho Location: in a deep, dark hole where rainbow creatures attack me to eat my fingernails.	wow, thats really touching. it made me cry. great stuff man.

04-23-2003, 04:05 PM	#4 (permalink)
Nikki ~~~~~~~ Location: Charleston, SC	I liked that a lot......you have a way of writing a lot like my own. Great work

04-23-2003, 05:44 PM	#5 (permalink)
little limey Psycho Location: Room Nineteen	I like how the room reflects her emotions

04-24-2003, 11:17 PM	#7 (permalink)
Golux Tilted Location: This side of heaven.	I wish I had something better to say than amazing... but I don't. Your stuff is really good, your meter is beautiful and your presence is undeniable, keep writing.

04-25-2003, 12:27 AM	#8 (permalink)
Dorian_S Upright	The way you repeat the refrain really pulls the reader into it... it makes me feel almost anxious. Excellent stuff.

04-27-2003, 09:08 PM	#11 (permalink)
jdwhite2003 Upright	Great poem, I like the rhyme, it doesn't seem forced. Cheers, JD

05-09-2003, 05:29 PM	#12 (permalink)
Eowyn_Vala Insane Location: There's no place like home..	I love this one. This poem is one of my favorites probably because I've been there. It is so insightful and I feel like you have found a way to tell others in such beautiful words. Whenever I try to express feeling like that I turn bitter and I just can't. __________________ Cain: I know what you're doing. I've lead troops into battle before. DG: And, how am I doing? Cain: Well, there's less hugging when I do it