the first poem i'm posting on here - Tilted Forum Project Discussion Community

little limey · 04-30-2003, 10:24 AM

I liked it then
When
The stench of cheap markers
occupied my mind

Bleep, blop, bloop
Now I sit at a table,
one that I own
and color in the empty space
creating shadows
without the lines telling me to.
Hands placed firmly on the paper
twirling it upside down when necessary
Head cocked to the side
and a little too close to the paper.

My eyes are focused on that one
empty space
Trying to bring back
those
innocent
feelings
joys

But my mind wanders to
what I must do today,
past pains,
and being a Grown Up.

Spinach_Indeed · 04-30-2003, 10:31 AM

The stench of cheap markers is really good imagery, Really makes you think back to sitting in a desk and coloring, trying your very best to stay in the lines

GreasyP · 04-30-2003, 01:16 PM

Very, very nice. Growing up is the biggest detriment to creativity you can ever face. Thanks for sharing this.

J.R.V.A. · 04-30-2003, 02:59 PM

Great work, please post more

Angel · 04-30-2003, 04:10 PM

Wonderful visuals! I recall that smell so well! a little trip down memory lane...and then reality!
Thanks for sharing.

little limey · 04-30-2003, 04:51 PM

Thanks for the nice notes! Does anyone have any criticism? I would like some construnctive criticism so i can improve my writing.

Jadey · 05-01-2003, 12:54 AM

This was great!

But, if I would have any criticism, it would be your use of punctuation. It's inconsistent. I'm specifically referring to the use of commas or semicolons.

Fallon · 05-01-2003, 03:07 PM

Good imagary, good part on the trying to fill in the empty spaces. Definately can relate to that. Don't know if you need to worry about the punctuation. Was your spacing intentional, or accident?

little limey · 05-01-2003, 05:25 PM

Yea, I intened for the punctuation and spacing to be like that. Actually I had other spacing but I can't figure out how to indent on this board.

Shadowman · 05-02-2003, 06:42 AM

Thats an interesting poem. I like it. Thankyou for sharing.

Realizm · 05-03-2003, 08:28 AM

Hope to read more of your work soon.

04-30-2003, 10:24 AM	#1 (permalink)
little limey Psycho Location: Room Nineteen	the first poem i'm posting on here I liked it then When The stench of cheap markers occupied my mind Bleep, blop, bloop Now I sit at a table, one that I own and color in the empty space creating shadows without the lines telling me to. Hands placed firmly on the paper twirling it upside down when necessary Head cocked to the side and a little too close to the paper. My eyes are focused on that one empty space Trying to bring back those innocent feelings joys But my mind wanders to what I must do today, past pains, and being a Grown Up. Last edited by little limey; 04-30-2003 at 10:28 AM..

04-30-2003, 10:31 AM	#2 (permalink)
Spinach_Indeed Banned? Location: Artic Tundra	The stench of cheap markers is really good imagery, Really makes you think back to sitting in a desk and coloring, trying your very best to stay in the lines __________________ Spinach in Need is Spinach Indeed

04-30-2003, 01:16 PM	#3 (permalink)
GreasyP Crazy Location: Salt Lake City	Very, very nice. Growing up is the biggest detriment to creativity you can ever face. Thanks for sharing this. __________________ ---<>---^^---<>---^^---<>--- ---^^---<>---^^---<>---^^--- ---<>---^^---<>---^^---><---

04-30-2003, 02:59 PM	#4 (permalink)
J.R.V.A. Junkie Location: Utah	Great work, please post more __________________ And as she plays, her sweet song of laughter floats through the air and warms my heart

04-30-2003, 04:10 PM	#5 (permalink)
Angel Naughty Just Right Location: Euphoria	Wonderful visuals! I recall that smell so well! a little trip down memory lane...and then reality! Thanks for sharing. __________________ In the depth of winter, I finally learned that there was within me an invincible summer. ~Albert Camus

04-30-2003, 04:51 PM	#6 (permalink)
little limey Psycho Location: Room Nineteen	Thanks for the nice notes! Does anyone have any criticism? I would like some construnctive criticism so i can improve my writing.

05-01-2003, 12:54 AM	#7 (permalink)
Jadey This Space For Rent Location: Davenport, Iowa	This was great! But, if I would have any criticism, it would be your use of punctuation. It's inconsistent. I'm specifically referring to the use of commas or semicolons.

05-01-2003, 03:07 PM	#8 (permalink)
Fallon Junkie Location: RI	Good imagary, good part on the trying to fill in the empty spaces. Definately can relate to that. Don't know if you need to worry about the punctuation. Was your spacing intentional, or accident?

05-01-2003, 05:25 PM	#9 (permalink)
little limey Psycho Location: Room Nineteen	Yea, I intened for the punctuation and spacing to be like that. Actually I had other spacing but I can't figure out how to indent on this board.

05-02-2003, 06:42 AM	#10 (permalink)
Shadowman Crazy Location: Perth	Thats an interesting poem. I like it. Thankyou for sharing. __________________ Shadowman

05-03-2003, 08:28 AM	#11 (permalink)
Realizm Insane Location: A fuzzy cloud.	Hope to read more of your work soon.