Back from a seven-month break.. - Tilted Forum Project Discussion Community

seretogis · 10-14-2004, 07:17 AM

I stopped writing for about seven months for various reasons, and this is my first attempt since "being back." Keep in mind that this was written moments ago and so is a rough first-draft. I'm not sure if I'm going to bring it in line syllable/rhyming-wise or if I should leave it as-is. Anyhow:

freefall

I've been falling for so long,
I don't know which up is right.
All I see is so much wrong,
fallen too far to see the light.

Rock-bottom has come and gone,
a pleasant break from my fall.
I yearn only to witness the dawn,
and succumb to its burning thrall.

Yet no blessed rays reach here,
no salvation awaits my kin.
And so underfoot we dissapear,
to freeze to death for our sin.

Well deserved, this doom will be,
make no mistake of lenience.
Guilt is the burden we shall bear,
for the guilty's convenience.

It is our place in this hellish world,
to writhe beneath the ground.
As a speared worm upon a hook,
our purpose be not profound.

Complaints of this reality,
are plainly heard far and wide.
Yet not even the son of god,
chanced to avoid a spear in his side.

Give up, I say, and join me now,
as we freefall to our demise.
Perhaps, I hope, in the next world,
we will fall into the skies.

pan6467 · 10-14-2004, 08:56 PM

Very well written Sere. A lot of strong emotion and imagery. Well concieved and takes the reader from point A to B at a good pace.

If this is just a rough draft, you, sir have great talent and should be doing this for a living.

10-14-2004, 07:17 AM	#1 (permalink)
seretogis Huggles, sir? Location: Seattle	Back from a seven-month break.. I stopped writing for about seven months for various reasons, and this is my first attempt since "being back." Keep in mind that this was written moments ago and so is a rough first-draft. I'm not sure if I'm going to bring it in line syllable/rhyming-wise or if I should leave it as-is. Anyhow: freefall I've been falling for so long, I don't know which up is right. All I see is so much wrong, fallen too far to see the light. Rock-bottom has come and gone, a pleasant break from my fall. I yearn only to witness the dawn, and succumb to its burning thrall. Yet no blessed rays reach here, no salvation awaits my kin. And so underfoot we dissapear, to freeze to death for our sin. Well deserved, this doom will be, make no mistake of lenience. Guilt is the burden we shall bear, for the guilty's convenience. It is our place in this hellish world, to writhe beneath the ground. As a speared worm upon a hook, our purpose be not profound. Complaints of this reality, are plainly heard far and wide. Yet not even the son of god, chanced to avoid a spear in his side. Give up, I say, and join me now, as we freefall to our demise. Perhaps, I hope, in the next world, we will fall into the skies. __________________ seretogis - sieg heil perfect little dream the kind that hurts the most, forgot how it feels well almost no one to blame always the same, open my eyes wake up in flames

10-14-2004, 08:56 PM	#2 (permalink)
pan6467 Lennonite Priest Location: Mansfield, Ohio USA	Very well written Sere. A lot of strong emotion and imagery. Well concieved and takes the reader from point A to B at a good pace. If this is just a rough draft, you, sir have great talent and should be doing this for a living. __________________ I just love people who use the excuse "I use/do this because I LOVE the feeling/joy/happiness it brings me" and expect you to be ok with that as you watch them destroy their life blindly following. My response is, "I like to put forks in an eletrical socket, just LOVE that feeling, can't ever get enough of it, so will you let me put this copper fork in that electric socket?"