FailedEagle

I enjoy writing, but not sure how other people percieve it . . . I usually write story's that I want to make into films. (My dream is to be a director) Here's the beginning of my most recent work . . . I like constructive critisim, but compliments are appriciated as well . . .






An overview of New York’s Skyline, the camera pans until we get to a very large business building. The camera zooms in to what we assume is first person . . . The doors open and the camera follows in like it is a person . . . . The camera stops and allows Bill to walk in front showing our main character.

He is greeted by the security officer sitting behind the desk.

Officer:
“Good Morning, Mr. Davenport”

Bill:
“Good Morning, Shawn, How’s the wife and kids?”

Officer:
“They’re fine, How’s Susan?”

Bill:
“Not so great . . . she’s worried, I received my first death threat last night.

SO:
First of many probably, what happened?

Bill:
Not much, I just got a phone call telling me the same bullshit story about how I ruined their life and I’d better watch my back. Sue was pretty freaked out, but I told her to calm down I’d be fine. She eventually calmed down.

SO:
That’s good, sorry to hear about this supposed threat. How seriously are you taking it?

Bill:
Grain of salt, I’m sure the bark is bigger than the bite. (jokingly) Besides, I’ve got you right?

SO: (a bit sarcastically)
Right

Bill:
Ok, well, I’ll see you later okay?

SO:
Ok, Mr. Davenport. You might want to be careful just in case though.

Bill:
I’ll keep my eyes out for anything suspicious

Bill heads away from the desk towards a big row of elevators, and presses the up button to one. Four or Five people including Mike and Gloria line up behind him. The elevator dings and the doors open to an empty elevator. The all pile in, Bill presses the top floor’s button, two other people press buttons and the doors close.

Camera inside the Elevator:
Bill is next to Mike and Gloria; two people are lined up in front of them. The elevator kicks in and begins its ascent.

Mike: to Gloria (Whispers something into her ear: inaudible)

Bill:
You know, Mike, I’ve been thinking . . .

Elevator stops, the door opens and the other lady gets off of the elevator

Bill:
I’ve got that position open for the assistant vice-president and I’ve been considering giving you the promotion.

Mike:
Really? I’m happy to hear that sir, I hope that your decision making process goes well, and will be awaiting your final verdict.

Bill:
It’s always difficult because so many people want the position and are qualified.

Mike:
I’d imagine

Bill:
But you . . .

Elevator stops, the door opens and the other man gets off of the elevator

Bill:
You have always shown initiative. Every time you set out to do something, you give it your all. That is a very admirable trait, which puts you near the top of a very selective list. Congratulations


Bill and Mike shake hands, and a loud thud is heard above them, the camera pans up, barely, to see a human shadow on top of the elevator car, the shadow shortly disappears.


Gloria:
What the hell was that all about?

Bill and Mike shrug.

Bill:
Probably a cat or something

Gloria:
A cat? What are you as stupid as you look? That thing weighed at least 150 lbs.

Bill:
Well . .

Gloria:
Shut your bitch ass mouth up . . . It was a person, you could tell by the shadow . . .

Bill:
Let me introduce myself, I’m . . . (extends hand)

Gloria: (stares at the hand and inturupts)
I know who your are, I just don’t give a shit. You come in here with your bullshit story on television about how you can make everyone’s life just like it was . . .

The elevator jolts suddenly

Gloria:
Oh, shit!

Mike:
What just happened? Why did the elevator stop?

Bill:
It would seem that the person we saw must have been an elevator repairman and he is fixing it . . . I’m sure we’ll be in ship-shape accordingly.

Gloria:
Who the hell says “ship-shape” this isn’t the 60’s.

Bill:
I’m sorry if my language offends you, but it is just the way I talk, I’d appreciate you extend to me the same courtesy I give you when I put up with your profanities.

Gloria:
My . . Profanities . . . tell you what . . . take your “courtesy” and shove it straight up you ass.

Bill rolls his eyes and heads to the phone and picks up the receiver.

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tecoyah

Confusing...due mainly to the incomplete story line.
Jump in dialogue leaves one wondering what is actually happening.
Characters need to be fleshed out.
Interesting beginning...........more?

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Holding onto anger is like grasping a hot coal with the intent of throwing it at someone else; you are the one who gets burned. - Buddha