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Old 02-22-2005, 03:39 PM   #1 (permalink)
Crazy
 
Poem for my ex

This is my first real attempt at poetry. I usually stick to stories because I'm just plain not good at writing poems. But a friend of mine said she always writes poems when she was down and said I should try it, I haven't been too happy since my girlfriend left me for another man.

So I've played it safe, your standard ten-syllable-to-a-line, straightforward poem. What does everyone think?

Joan of Arc, I came knocking at your door.
You were sick and you wouldn’t let me in.
I thought I could almost see you lying,
I stood there and waited on your doorstep.

I think I would have waited a lifetime,
But Winter froze my lungs and broke my legs
And I sat there half dead outside your door.
I never really minded it that much.

But lungless breath soon starts to take its toll.
And legless steps never get you places.
But I thought if I waited long enough,
Became a permanent part of your door…

There are things we do and then things we mean.
I never meant to wait beside that door.
But Joan of Arc, you were sick in your bed,
And I wanted a chance at that sickness,
To stop your body from betraying you.
I can only say I know how you feel.
Lungs freeze and legs freeze and doorways stay closed.
But you knew that long before I caught on.
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Old 02-22-2005, 04:00 PM   #2 (permalink)
Darth Mojo
 
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Location: Right behind you...
Great job! You can feel the hopelessness coming through from the writer. I like the way the reader reaches the same conclusions as the writer, at the same time. Good job. Oh, and don't feel like you're required to stay in any type of format (ie, ten sylabic lines, 4 lines per stanza, etc.) Feel free to allow your style to change as you need it to. It can be very powerful when there's one line in a stanza with just one syllabul, and everything else has 8, know what I mean? Keep writing, and keep us updated with your work!
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Old 02-22-2005, 04:15 PM   #3 (permalink)
Untitled
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Okay, I'll be the first to admit I know absoultely zero about poetry, but that poem really hit me. I could almost feel exactly what you were going through, the pain, and the loss...
I loved it. Thank you so much for sharing that with us.
 
Old 02-22-2005, 04:50 PM   #4 (permalink)
It's All About The Ass!!
 
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Location: In a pool of mayonnaise!!
Quote:
And I wanted a chance at that sickness,
To stop your body from betraying you.
I can only say I know how you feel.
Lungs freeze and legs freeze and doorways stay closed.
But you knew that long before I caught on.
Those lines were very powerful. Great ending to your piece. I really enjoyed this a lot. I'll look foward to your next piece.

Asta!!
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Old 02-23-2005, 06:03 AM   #5 (permalink)
Upright
 
Cheer up, goth!
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