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Old 04-18-2005, 10:11 AM   #1 (permalink)
Nobody Loves Me
 
Location: Irish In Madrid
Some writing about depression

I am right now at the bottom of a bout of depression. For some reason I feel like expressing, maybe it will make me feel better. To be honest, Im not sure if Ill even click the submit button, but im going to fire it down anyway.
At the bottom is a poem (i cant write poetry) I wrote about a year ago when in a similar frame of mind. Im not looking for help or support, this is not a cry for help, maybe someone will read this & recognise it in someone. Please forgive spelling & gramatical errors, im not going for accuracy here.
So here goes:

I suffered from depression soince I was about 12 - 13. At first I didnt understand what was happening to me. I had uncontrolable fits of panic mixed with the need to be alone. Over the years Ive come to the conclusion that depression is a part of me, & It will always be a part of me. It is my oldest companion.
I went to doctors & got pills but they made me feel nothing & made my dick useless. Ive been to various psyciatrists over the years & some of them helped. I cant do that now however because, well, basically Im broke. I read reems of literature about depression, psyciatry, chemical imbalances, socioligy, intimacy issues, anything I could get my hands on that might shed a light on my problem.
I want people to know how badly this invisable sickness has crippled me (& others). I cant communicate like other people, I have no (zero) friends & havent had any for a few years now. Basic everyday social interactions are difficult for me. I dislike being touched & am rarely comfortable in company. Its been so long Im unsure of my ability to be "intamite" with anyone but the most understanding woman. I have no prospects, no qualifications, no money, no direction. I have not cried for years & so desperately need to shed tears. My chest feels both hollow & weighted, If you have never felt it, Its difficult to understand such sorrow. I want to stop feeling. Imagine an emmotion so cold it freezes your heart. I dont want to die, I want never to have existed.
I understand that I have only myself to blame for cultivation this nightmare. I feel so guilty because my family dispairs that they can neither help nor understand whats happening to me. Only the pain I would cause them keeps me from suicide.

No rapture
no vigour
no focus
days flitter by ceaselessly
i suffer only vacancy
drenched in stagnation
no capacity
no drive
no escape
empty pages of 24 idle undventful
no screams
no sobs
my mind exerts to realise emmotion
i passed tomorrow in my sleep
no knowledge of feeling or feeling
hostaged by stifiling inability
no bright memories
no shining hopes
i engage myself & am always worsted
no passion no keen itch
nothing eager
arms twistless
stunted essence feels like past
like future
like now
i evaluate great distances & discover
valueless passage
my shackle is I
intamite conviction posesses me utterly.


Thanks for reading.
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Old 04-18-2005, 07:26 PM   #2 (permalink)
Crazy
 
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I read this and felt very moved by it. I have felt similarly in my life, and I would also like to add that writing has helped me. If you would like I can suggest some books for you to read. I know that sounds like very little to offer, but big problems must be tackled one step at a time.
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Old 04-19-2005, 10:26 PM   #3 (permalink)
Upright
 
I read your post and recognized it in myself. I read your post so many times I practically have it memorized.

I feel you are not looking for commiseration and you say your are not looking for support, so all I wanted to say is thank you. Sometimes what helps me most is figuring out what I'm feeling and you have done a far better job than I usually am able.
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Old 05-05-2005, 09:37 PM   #4 (permalink)
Tilted
 
Location: Oregon
Like the last two said I read this and would have thought I was writing it as i was reading it. Depression is a sickness if you let it be, Some people can use it to help them selfs learn more of them selfs. If that makes sence.
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Old 05-09-2005, 08:42 PM   #5 (permalink)
Upright
 
Location: Chapel Hill, North Carolina
I also thank you for your thoughts and writing. I've felt a lot of sadness lately, but your words actually help me realize everything is not that bad.
The thing about not having friends, don't sweat it. Many people I know have friends that make their lives even worse. I'd take seclusion over hangin with my enemies in disguise any day.
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