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Old 01-17-2005, 08:00 PM   #1 (permalink)
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Thinking about the future spouse

Once in a while, I'll wonder - where's my future wife [or girlfriend] at right now ? What is she doing ? Does she ever think about this exact thing [wondering about me] ?
[All this, though, presuming that I'll get married].

I'm not sure what to draw [if anything] out of it. I don't harp on it, it's just something that will just randomly pop in my thoughts.

Has anyone else ever done this, or even talked about it with their SO/spouse ?


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Old 01-18-2005, 07:31 AM   #2 (permalink)
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Sure, I sometimes wonder if a girl I might be interested in is interested in going to see the same movie I am planning to go see that night. Maybe we'd meet there, or something.

But then I think about the likelihood of divorce and the ridiculous amount of money I would have to pay and the idea quickly fades from my mind.
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Old 01-18-2005, 07:33 AM   #3 (permalink)
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Master_Shake
But then I think about the likelihood of divorce and the ridiculous amount of money I would have to pay and the idea quickly fades from my mind.
That kind of negativity will lead you to living a lonely life...
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Old 01-18-2005, 10:32 AM   #4 (permalink)
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My wife is blessed (cursed?) with some mild psychic abilities that apparently were inherited from her maternal grandmother.

Back when we were first going out, she told me about how freaked she was when she first walked into my families' home. She swore she had been there before, that she was welcomed into the kitchen by my dad, who offered her a seat and some refreshment. Amazingly, she described the room to the T, and even the view outside the back window. I then came into the room and was lovingly introduced to her by my dad.

Obviously it was all a psychic dream, but what was really nuts, was that it occured BEFORE we met, and AFTER my dad had passed away. I still get weirded out a little when I think about it.
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Old 01-18-2005, 12:16 PM   #5 (permalink)
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Quote:
That kind of negativity will lead you to living a lonely life...
Lonely, but solvent.
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Old 01-18-2005, 02:21 PM   #6 (permalink)
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Sometimes I think about things like that... but I usually end up thinking, "What's it really matter? If I'm gonna meet him/her eventually, I'll use that time to catch up on what they did back then. Right now, I'm just gonna live and not worry 'bout a thing." Though every once in a while I catch myself thinking to them, "Hey, see you when I see you..."
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Old 01-25-2005, 09:15 PM   #7 (permalink)
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I was raised in a very conservative christian church, and on several occasions, I was asked to write a letter to my future spouse, generally describing my commitment to "stay pure" till marriage. Even as a sappy fifteen year old girl, I thought the idea was silly. I did know a girl who wrote to her future husband once a week. Also, I have known several girls who, during some late night, "felt called" to pray for their future spouse at that exact moment. These girls then hope that when they eventually meet the person they are going to marry, that night was something quite traumatic, like a car accident or something. I'm pretty sure that concern for future spouse was continually put before the kids at my church to remind us not to have sex.

BUT I do think the idea is kind of neat. I'm getting married in two months, and it's kind of funny to find evidence of my fiance existing before I met him.
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Old 01-25-2005, 09:55 PM   #8 (permalink)
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Old 01-25-2005, 10:25 PM   #9 (permalink)
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Quote:
Originally Posted by keyshawn
Once in a while, I'll wonder - where's my future wife [or girlfriend] at right now ? What is she doing ? Does she ever think about this exact thing [wondering about me] ?
[All this, though, presuming that I'll get married].

I'm not sure what to draw [if anything] out of it. I don't harp on it, it's just something that will just randomly pop in my thoughts.

Has anyone else ever done this, or even talked about it with their SO/spouse ?


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This is interesting Keyshawn . . . I have known alot of people, including myself once or twice who wondered about this, although i met my husband at a young age, so i didn't have a whole lot of time to ponder it . . .

But i think many people hold this concept close to them . . . that although the world is a big and lonely place sometimes, there is someone out there, thinking of you that you haven't met yet . . .

I think in general this brings up the idea that there is "one special person" that everyone is supposed to be with . . . it seems ingrained in our culture . . . I think for many, it's comforting to think that your future soulmate is somewhere *right now*, maybe brushing their teeth or getting their heart broken for the first time . . . even tho you won't meet for years, that maybe They too are thinking about their future spouse . . . i think it helps people to feel connected and that there is a happy destiny waiting in the future . . . I don't know if i believe in destiny . . . but the idea of destiny seems comforting in many ways . . .

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Last edited by sweetpea; 01-25-2005 at 10:32 PM..
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Old 01-25-2005, 10:30 PM   #10 (permalink)
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Master_Shake
Sure, I sometimes wonder if a girl I might be interested in is interested in going to see the same movie I am planning to go see that night. Maybe we'd meet there, or something.

But then I think about the likelihood of divorce and the ridiculous amount of money I would have to pay and the idea quickly fades from my mind.
It's good to be solvent . . . obviously, you have seen some nasty divorces first hand . . . But . . . . . It's all about making the right choice:
IF you choose the right person to be with . . . one who is your friend first and foremost and whom you not only love but also respect, someone who inspires your body and well as your mind and whom you can be truly honest with and yourself with .. you won't be looking at a divorce Master_shake . . . you just might . . . gasp! . . . be looking at a happy marriage without a messy divorce . . .

Dare to hope a little bit . . . it won't kill you.
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Old 01-26-2005, 06:32 AM   #11 (permalink)
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Quote:
be looking at a happy marriage without a messy divorce . . .
I certainly admit it's a possibility, but I don't think the odds are in my favour. I simply don't have enough money to be the financial support for another person, I have a hard enough time paying my satellite porn bill.
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Old 01-26-2005, 09:56 AM   #12 (permalink)
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I don't really think of it too much. The way it comes into my head is more of an idealistic fantasy than a question of what it will be like.
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Old 01-27-2005, 06:23 PM   #13 (permalink)
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Been married for 10 years now (since I was 17). So, I guess I can wonder what my future mistress is doing right now. j/k

I guess I sort of do the opposite. I wonder what my past girlfriends are doing right now, if they're happy. I also wonder what my life would be like now, had any of them worked out. And, finally, I wonder about the one sided crushes I had, and hope that they are miserable without me Maybe one day, I can run into them, and they can realize how much they lost out on, hehe.
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Old 02-04-2005, 12:32 AM   #14 (permalink)
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I've passively wondered from time to time how the current girlfriend and I would hold up together if it were 10 years down the line, we were out of school and had established a household.

As for sitting down and wondering what the woman I'll eventually marry is doing right now or if she has big pretty blue eyes or not or whatever...not really.

Heh, and mojodragon, I may or may not have relished the romantic defeats of past crushes. Muahahahah.
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Old 02-13-2005, 09:42 PM   #15 (permalink)
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I believe in destiny, and so I think about my future spouse all the time. I think about how she doesn't know that I'm the one for her, or that I'm thinking of her at that moment. Sometimes I find myself hoping she'll be happy that she's the one for me.
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Old 02-13-2005, 10:21 PM   #16 (permalink)
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When I was younger, I considered things like that. Occasionally, I still do. When I was twelve, I wrote a poem about wondering what my "soul mate" was doing and whether he was thinking about me, too. My parents thought that was pretty odd for a twelve year old, but hey, whatever. lol
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Old 02-15-2005, 06:37 AM   #17 (permalink)
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[QUOTE=keyshawn]Once in a while, I'll wonder - where's my future wife [or girlfriend] at right now ? What is she doing ? Does she ever think about this exact thing [wondering about me] ?
[All this, though, presuming that I'll get married].

While I will admit that I've had thoughts like this before, I think that this line of thought could definitely lead to some problems. Those girls who spend their time writing to their future husbands are so focused on him as a concept that they probably won't even notice when the person walks in the room. If you aren't actively pursuing your destiny, it's a lot harder for her to marry you.
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Old 02-15-2005, 02:29 PM   #18 (permalink)
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Killconey

While I will admit that I've had thoughts like this before, I think that this line of thought could definitely lead to some problems. Those girls who spend their time writing to their future husbands are so focused on him as a concept that they probably won't even notice when the person walks in the room. If you aren't actively pursuing your destiny, it's a lot harder for her to marry you.
I do understand where you're coming from; however I don't think that I do it often enough (to merit concern), probably only once a month if that, and it doesn't even last for more than a minute..
As long as one doesn't harp on the thought or let it control him, it's not going to lead to perverse behavior.
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Old 02-15-2005, 09:15 PM   #19 (permalink)
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I've had similar thoughts.
I always wondered if my future husband was someone I already knew, in my life, right now, or someone that I would meet later? I first began to wonder during a bad relationship that I should have gotten out of sooner... and after watching the Beatles movie "A Hard Day's Night". Apparently, one of the extras was Ringo's (?) future wife who he had already known during (and before) the shoot.

Also, these thoughts assume a lot of things. I know a lot of people's goals are marriage but I don't think you should count on it as a requirement for society. Society favors married couples (tax breaks, benefits, social stigma, etc) but I think this is slowly changing since more and more people are becoming single. And ok with it.
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Old 03-06-2005, 01:56 PM   #20 (permalink)
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I don't beleive in destiny. We all have personality traits that make us more compatable with some people than with others. Some people have traits that enable them to be compatable with a relatively large portion of the population, and others with a relatively small part. Some people have traits that may make it nearly impossible to find a long term compatable partner.

Beyond that, I think it's simply a matter of probability, chance, and timing as to whether you find a person with whom you are compatable. You have to come into contact with the right person at the right time, and have to be able to recognize that this is the right person, and be able and willing to do the work to get to know and relate to and fit in with the other person. I am very fortunate to have found a person with whom I am a very good fit, and to have found her at just the right time. It took five failed relationships and many more first dates before I found true love. Notice I didn't say my one true love. I think that there are likely others out there with whom I could have been equally happy, and there are others with whom my SO could have been equally happy. But I don't value my relationship any less as a result. We are so good together that I would not risk this relationship for anything. I don't think I'd ever find anything remotely as good, anywhere near this close to perfect.

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Old 03-06-2005, 05:40 PM   #21 (permalink)
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Charlatan
That kind of negativity will lead you to living a lonely life...
I would just like to mention that not being married does not equal lonely. Ppl can have happy fulfilling lives without being married. That is all I wanted to say about that. Thank you.
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Old 03-06-2005, 09:03 PM   #22 (permalink)
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Well said cierah. You don't have to be married to be in a happy, fulfilling, comitted relationship, and you don't have to be in a relationship to be happy or to be connected to other people. "You" here meaning in the general sense. I do happend to get lonely quite easily when I'm not with someone.
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Old 03-06-2005, 09:48 PM   #23 (permalink)
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(Reminds me of the scene in Amalie where she counts the number of couples orgasming.)

I like to think that I'm talking to my future husband over IM right now. ^_^
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Old 03-06-2005, 09:51 PM   #24 (permalink)
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Currently, I desparately wish I could know how my life will be five to ten years from now, when nwlinkvxd and I are married. I hope with all my heart that we will not ever contemplate a divorce, and that things work out well.

Before nwlinkvxd, I never thought of being married. I thought of it as something silly for romantics. So in that sense, I never thought about 'my future spouse.' But now...everything has totally changed.
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Old 03-07-2005, 11:05 AM   #25 (permalink)
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Quote:
Originally Posted by keyshawn
Once in a while, I'll wonder - where's my future wife [or girlfriend] at right now ? What is she doing ? Does she ever think about this exact thing [wondering about me] ?
[All this, though, presuming that I'll get married].

I'm not sure what to draw [if anything] out of it. I don't harp on it, it's just something that will just randomly pop in my thoughts.

Has anyone else ever done this, or even talked about it with their SO/spouse ?


------------------------
my philosophical musing of the day.
I can understand your point with this post, keyshawn. Often I also find myself wondering if I'll ever get married, and if that is the case then I wonder what my future spouse would think of me if she were to meet me today or if she had known me back when I was in high school.

I have never had much luck in the field of dating but I've had some experiences I'm not proud of, and I wonder if this would diminish my value in the eyes of my future spouse if she were ever to find out.

Nevertheless, what I should really ask myself is whether my future spouse even exists or if I am deluding myself when I think of the possibility of getting married in the future.
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Old 03-09-2005, 08:28 AM   #26 (permalink)
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Gilda
I don't beleive in destiny. We all have personality traits that make us more compatable with some people than with others. Some people have traits that enable them to be compatable with a relatively large portion of the population, and others with a relatively small part. Some people have traits that may make it nearly impossible to find a long term compatable partner.

Beyond that, I think it's simply a matter of probability, chance, and timing as to whether you find a person with whom you are compatable. You have to come into contact with the right person at the right time, and have to be able to recognize that this is the right person, and be able and willing to do the work to get to know and relate to and fit in with the other person.... I think that there are likely others out there with whom I could have been equally happy, and there are others with whom my SO could have been equally happy. But I don't value my relationship any less as a result. We are so good together that I would not risk this relationship for anything. I don't think I'd ever find anything remotely as good, anywhere near this close to perfect.
Gilda, I really liked your post. You pretty much summed up my response to this thread. Once upon a time I used to dream of living happily ever after with my one true love... that was a long time ago, though, before a few heartbreaks and realizations that people change, and not everyone can change well together. Hell I think I even wrote one of those letters to my "future husband" when I used to believe in waiting till marriage...

Fortunately, however, through a lot of traveling and thinking, I've realized that it's more a matter of chance (maybe serendipity is a better word?) than destiny. Being open to whoever might come into my life has been a much more rewarding attitude for me than to censor everyone and scrutinize, "Is this the one? Is it meant to be?" Of course one should have standards, I'm not saying that any Joe or Jane off the street should gain access to your heart... but so many things go into compatibility and love, I find it impossible to predict who is "right" until I'm actually in a relationship and seeing how it functions on a day-to-day basis. Obviously I'm not the type to say "Let's get married!" after a few weeks or months... some people can do it, but I'm way too rational/analytical to make a snap decision like that. Even if I feel totally in love with someone, I can't trust that feeling because I've felt that way before, and it changed, or we changed, and in hindsight I'm very glad to not have gotten married when I was too young and blind.

So I just wait and see. With my current bf we've been dating for 11 months and things are going as well as can be imagined, so that's all I need for now. Marriage?... maybe if and when the time is right, but we don't feel it's an absolute necessity right now. If it happens, it happens. If not, we'll deal with it. (Taking a rather Zen view for now, I'll get back to you if/when things change and we'll see how calm I am!)
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Old 03-09-2005, 08:34 PM   #27 (permalink)
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abaya: Thank you.

I've been accused of being unromantic after describing my views on relationships, but nothing could be farther from the truth. I love romance, I think it's important to most relationships, certainly to mine. I believe I love my SO just as strongly as any person in love does. I believe that this is true love. I also beleive that our finding each other was a fortunate happenstance, and that the universe, the world, doesn't really care whether we're together or not. My beliefs don't in any way mitigate my feelings for this wonderful woman I've found.
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