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Old 02-03-2005, 01:29 AM   #1 (permalink)
Zyeox's Avatar
Location: Toledo, Ohio
When to or when not to have a baby?

OK first off I don't understand this maybe itís just me. My GF that I have been living with for over 4 years now are starting to talk about having a little "Z" running around the house. But every time we do she says the same shit over and over. We should wait till we both have good jobs, money, out of college(Ok my GF is studying to be a Psychologist, umm another 4 years of college would take us to 28 or 29), and own a house. Ok I understand to some degree. But what I am asking everyone is. How many ppl actually sit down and says ok Job? Check, Job Security? Check, Out of College? Check, and so on.

Is it just her or does everyone else go through this? I know some ppl donít expect but I always thought if god felt we where ready then we would be ready. I hate that my GF always gives me this story, but she constantly says she wants children.

I mean I love my GF but I am 24 now and I feel that I would like to see my children grow up before I do get too old. Any help or insight would be greatly appreciated from the any of you. "Z"
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Old 02-03-2005, 05:52 AM   #2 (permalink)
Location: Over Yonder
Don't rush it.... you are still young. You can wait until you are out of school. That way you will at least be able to support the little one. I personally would not worry about the house thing. We did not have our house until right before our second child was born. But for me, the education was important.

I do know people who have to feel everything is in order before they even considered a child. My sister in law and her husband were this way. They waited for things to be in "order". And she was thirty two before her first. They are perfectly happy...

You both can find another way to get your "baby fix".

And until you both feel you are ready. I would wait.

She might constantly say she wants children, but this might mean she doesn't want them now. She might realize this is one of the biggest commmitments you can make in your life. It's important to you, and she keeps dropping hints that she is willing to have this child with you. Just that she does not feel ready yet.

Be patient young Jedi... you have your whole life ahead of you. Enjoy it while you can!
Disco Duck...
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Old 02-03-2005, 06:28 AM   #3 (permalink)
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Your girlfriend is smart. You should listen to her more often.

I know that people wanting kids don't like to hear this, but kids cost money. A lot of money. Back in the 80's someone estimated that a kid would cost a million dollars by the time he graduated college. And we've had inflation since then. If you're not financially stable, it's really stupid to have a kid. Period. I'm pretty tired of hearing the "we'll survive on love since we don't have money" argument. Love doesn't buy the kid's food, medicine, clothes, much less toys.

Kids take a lot of work. You're talking about parents who are in college and who work - when are you planning on having time to raise your kid? Gonna give up sleep? That'll only work for a couple of days.

Kids are noisy as hell, especially before they turn 30. Apartments + kids = pissed off neighbors. This is why it's a very good idea to have your own house.

So to answer your question of how many people sit down and check that stuff off - only the smart ones do.

As for the waiting till you both have good jobs part - - - well frankly I would hope one of you gives up that job to raise the kid. I really fail to see the point of having a kid and then throwing it into daycare for the rest of its childhood once maternity leave runs out. Why are you having the kid? It's obviously not because you want to raise it - the daycare's doing that for you. My personal strategy would be the one who has the lowest-paying job stays home with the kid AT LEAST until the kid's in school full time.
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Old 02-03-2005, 06:45 AM   #4 (permalink)
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Location: Colorado
To each their own. I had 2 daughters when I was 23 & 24. My wife and I had adequate jobs, but things were tough. Today, I'm 48 and my daughters are 23 & 24. I can ski with them, go out to bars with them, and give their boyfriends a hard time. I may live long enough to see my grandchildren grow up (no hurry). Compare this to my neighbors, who are nearly the same age and have 7 & 8 year old kids running around. They have a nicer house, drive nicer cars, and will never know their kids as a friend. I was definately too young to have kids, but these things don't always work as planned. I'm pretty happy how they turned out.
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Old 02-03-2005, 07:10 AM   #5 (permalink)
Getting it.
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Location: Lion City
I started young... we had our first child when we were 24 (we hadn't been married quite a year when we found out we were pregnant).

Neither of us had jobs to write home about (I was holding down various part-time and full time jobs and she was working at a dead end job).

Needless to say the pregnancy wasn't planned but it certainly wasn't unwanted either... We reasoned that by the time our child was old enought to move out we would be in our 40s and still quite young (having another baby two years ago put a crimp in those plans, but that's another story).

If I could go back and change things would I change them? I would probably have waited a few years before kids, gotten a better job, saved some money, etc... Done what many of my friends have done.

Do I regret the way things turned out? Not in the slightest. Despite being broke most of the time we still managed to make it work. That's the odd trick of it all... things almost always work out... (and despite what some on this board might say) hard work, sacrifice and determination *will* win out in the long run. My family is living proof of this.

In the end here's what it comes down to... sacrifice when you are young or sacrifice when you are older... Personally I do not and did not want to be a 60 year old with a teenager...
"My hands are on fire. Hands are on fire. Ain't got no more time for all you charlatans and liars."
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Old 02-03-2005, 07:37 AM   #6 (permalink)
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Location: Toledo, Ohio
Thanks for all your posts. I can take parts of them all and they will help me in this situation. I understand Parenting can be a hard thing to do. I will try my best when the time does come If I have to wait or sooner. Thanks again. "Z"
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Old 02-03-2005, 08:26 AM   #7 (permalink)
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I agree somewhat with the posts above but see it somewhat different. My wife and I got married and found out about three weeks later that she was pregnant (no, not before the wedding for those who care). We always discussed when the best time for us to have kids would be and we decided that if we waited until we owned our own house and had tons of money in the bank, we would end up starting our family when we were in our late 30's. Since we were already in our late 20's, we decided to go with it and see what happened. Now we have a son who is almost 1 and trying for #2. We just made a budget and stuck with it. We are by no means well off but we have enough to do the things we want.

Sometimes you just need to try something without having all the bugs worked out or you may end up missing out in the end.
A little rudeness and disrespect can elevate a meaningless interaction to a battle of wills and add drama to an otherwise dull day. Calvin
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Old 02-06-2005, 03:50 PM   #8 (permalink)
Well I know how you feel all to well. My husband and I have been married for 5 years now and we're FINALLY expexting our first baby in early March I was only 19 when we were married and my husband only 21. The second we said "I do" both families thought we ought to be popping out kids just because we were married I guess. But we wanted time to ourselves first. Then by about the second year of marriage I started wanting a baby sooooo bad! But my husband still wasn't as ready as I was and he gave me all the reasons we should wait and they were all the same things your talking about. Better job, better this and better that. When we would tell people that, they would always tell us if we waited for that we would never have kids because it seems that the price to have children is always going up. We were always financially ok we just knew that having a child would put us on a budget and I was willing to do that so that we could start our family. I'm like you I wanted kids while I'm still young. I want to be able to run around in the yard with them and watch them grow up.
Well my husband finally suprised me back in June and told me he was ready to start our family, then only three weeks later I found out that I was 6 weeks pregnant. We were already several weeks pregnant when we started "planning" and I know that even if my husband hadn't announced he was ready he would have been just as happy. But I just think that since we tried to plan it out the best we could rather than jumping into as soon as we were married like everyone else thought we should, it happened when it was supposed to. We're in the process of buying our first house and should be moved in, in just a couple weeks and things couldn't be better with us. Yes financially things will be tighter than before but it'll be ok. We know we're finally ready for this.
I know your ready now but if your GF is still in college and on her way to having a great career then having a baby could slow that part of her life down. I mean it could mean time off from school depending on her pregnancy and that would take longer for her to finish her schooling and get her career started. And more time befor she can be making better money. Like I said before I defiantly know how you feel and I really hope things will work out for you in the end.

Last edited by Apache; 02-06-2005 at 03:53 PM..
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