Dream@Bug

I get so jaded to think that my bf not only had a couple of flings but that they were extremely different looking than me (not to mention unfortunate looking as well). And i just don't get it... why sleep with them if you're not attracted to them or their personality??? I've never had a one-night stand...and am not religious in any way or form so maybe someone can shed some light, because for some reason or another its really hard to convince myself that it didn't mean anything. The act of sex to me is not sacred but you're really taking a risk (i.e, STDs, pregnancy)--- so why risk it for someone that's meaningless. Although i realize barriers exist-- nothing is 100% so why do it??? Yes, i love my bf a lot and never felt this way about my ex of 8 years.... so any advice?

Seaver

Um... what?

He's with you now, dont worry about his past as long as he's disease/kid free.

Why do you care if his past girls look different than you? I've had an ex (white) who completely freaked out because she found out my current GF is Korean. Why that matters I have no idea.. just wondering why women seem to care.

Are you asking why men have sex? Probably the same reason the women wanted to have sex with him, same reason you want to have sex with him. Physical attraction met with (usually) a mental and/or emotional connection. You say you can't understand how it didn't mean anything. Maybe some of them did mean something only he's trying not to get you jealous/freaked out. Maybe it was simply him sowing his wild oats so that when he finds someone like you he won't be feeling such a strong desire to get with other women. Maybe you should just ask him?

When it comes down to it is he's with you, so why are you worrying about it?

Dream@Bug

I think its b/c he chose them and me and we're a world of difference-- and in a way hard to believe. i don't know why i care. And i have asked him and he says "because he could".... and i don't get that either and he can't really explain it to me.... so maybe someone can but it in better terms. I wouldn't be asking if i could figure it out myself

Seaver

All of your boyfriends have all been the exact same? You've never thought a guy with blonde hair can be as equally attractive as one with brown?

And he didn't have sex to someone he wasn't attracted to. He was, at minimum, very emotionally attracted (or very drunk). He's saying that so you don't freak out in jealousy.

Dream@Bug

so men that have one night stands at minimum are very emotionally attracted or physically attracted extracting the intoxicated component???

Ch'i

Maybe his idea of an attractive personality is different from your's

Some guys just want sex for the sake of having sex, and with that mentality normally comes a lack of care, or thought, about the consequences of their action.

Couldn't agree more.

Dream@Bug

well yeah i completely understand the difference of attractions between different people... but i go by what he says and yet i stay confused.... i mean he said he did it "cause he could". i guess it could be for the lack of care just to get laid.

Mantus

I can see how lack of pre-selection by quality girls can be an issue.

About flings. They can happen for many reasons. For example, sexual projection is a powerful thing. A couple of weeks ago I was winging a friend of mine. The woman was as you put it "unfortunate looking" (I love that by the way - stealing it). I was in a state from flirting with other girls and had three or four martinis. This woman just pounced at me...her sexual state was so strong I was feeling totally overwhelmed...before I knew it, I was making out...WTF! When I have a girl like that. When I know I have the uper hand. It's quite a rush and there is a temptation to indulge in the experience.

Brain going - eject, EJECT!...while being drowned in all sort of chemical goodness.

Average_Joe

To give another example, loneliness is also a powerful thing. Sometimes a guy can feel lonely and unhappy, and having a companion for the night can erase these feelings. Sometimes the field in which to choose from is not dense with underwear models, so an "unfortunate looking" one is all that's available.

As a side story, when I first started getting serious with my SO, she also questioned some of my "unfortunate looking" past choices (to her, not me), and it made her wonder if there was something wrong with me. She equated my taste in these women to her somehow. On the flip side, I have also dated some long-legged blondes with big breasts. This also made her uncomfortable about me, like I was superficial. Sometimes you just can't win.

Sage

Sex is fun- that's why your BF had sex. Because it's fun. He didn't have all these things swarming around in his head, he wasn't thinking of long term committment, he wasn't really concerned with what she did or didn't look like BECAUSE SHE WAS THERE AND NAKED AND WANTED TO HAVE SEX.

It's like... compare your lifetime sexual partners to roller coasters at an amusement park. If you're the kind of person who likes to try out more than one roller coaster, you don't want them all to be the same, because that wouldn't be as much fun. Some sling you around really fast, but don't go upside down. Some have so many twists and whorls that it feels like you're going to barf. And some even splash you with water. Point being, variety is the spice of life.

The last guy I dated before Martel had had an Argentienian girlfriend before me. Now, it didn't matter that he hated her, threw out everything she ever gave him, and talked about how horrid she was- all I knew is that she was from another country and that somehow made her more exotic than me. See how silly that was? I was freaking out over something that my then BF had gotten over a long time before I stepped on the scene.

Your BF is with YOU, and he's with YOU for a reason. He likes you and finds you attractive, and considers your presence enjoyable to be around. Enjoy being with him NOW, instead of thinking about crap that happened when you two didn't even know each other!

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Carno

I know how you feel. I'm in the same boat as you are when it comes to the sex thing. Your boyfriend's past is not something you can change, so you just have to get over it though.

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Dream@Bug

right. the desire to "get over it" is there--- i just wanted different perspectives to shed some light and in a way help me get over it. Thanks for the advice!

Ample

I have slept with every color in the rainbow, infact my exwife is a filipino/black mix. I would like to think that I am color blind, and enjoy women from blonde to redheads and from green to purple.

I have had this fling with "pool girl" for the last two weeks. We have no future together, and doubt we will last through the month, but we do laugh and she is incredible in the sack. Right now thats all Im looking for, and I'm pretty sure that she feels the same. Really it depends on where I am in my life, on what type of relationship Im looking for. Im not always looking for my next wife and Im not always looking for someone whom I won't see the next day. Right now is fun time though.
Don't worry about it, if its in the past, and you don't see signs of that in your relationship, I wouldn't even think about it.

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longbough

A sexual encounter without emotional attachment or interest is not unlike simple masturbation ...

... and every honest guy jerks-off. Some just enjoy it mutually with another person.

... BTW ... this trait is not exclusive to MEN. More and more I've discovered many women who are comfortable doing the same. Conversely I do know of men who look for some emotional attachment before sex. So maybe it's a cultural influence rather than a gender-based one.

... doesn't make it right or wrong.

... it's just the freedom of choice.

Johnny Rotten

I would chalk it up to beer goggles, combined with being horny and single.

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JamesB

Hey - ugly people need sex too.

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pig

my best advice for you in this is something you probably won't be able to do:

don't think about it. if you let yourself dwell on it, you're going to worry about it, and if you worry about it then it will cause problems in the relationship you are currently in.

why did he fuck those other girls? who knows...there are a ton of reason why people get b i z z y...ranging from just because they are alive and want the experience to having fun to being lonely to being bored to having the opportunity and naked filas are hard to turn away.

at some point you're going to have to decide whether or not its a deal breaker. if it is, get out and find someone with a similar background to yours. if its not a dealbreaker, you're going to have to let it go.

ps. when he says "it didn't mean anything" and "because he could." means it doesn't mean anything now that he's with you, and that he did it because in that time and place, it was better than the alternative of doing nothing, or cleaning the house, or watching "naturescene" on public tv or whatnot.

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Halx

My girlfriend is asian. Before I met her, I never considered asians attractive. I'm more into eastern european. However, she is hot, sexy and I'm very attracted to her. Go figure!

My suggestion: Don't try to understand men because they're just the same as women.

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SAM821

I have to say that I was involved the same way your boyfriend was. I slept with a few girls that looking back at it now, I wasnt really attracted to. I did "date" them, but it could have been because of the fact that they were showing me attention and interest and at that exact moment no one else was. So why not have fun and enjoy. The second I felt like I was doing something wrong, or I didnt want to sleep with them, or see them anymore, I ended it.

I look back at it now and I really dont regret sleeping with any of them. I have gained invaluable experience from all of my sexual encounters, and relationships. And you know what, all that experience has prepared me to impress and completely fulfill the girl I am going to marry now. So you know, everything you do in life builds you up for your true calling and you end up being the perfect mate for one girl. Hey, it worked for me. (even though my fiance wonders the same thing about why I dated certain girls that were much less attractive than her... I think girls do that to size up there "competition")

Toaster126

I wouldn't say that at all.

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thespian86

Sexual encounters arn't always about the sex, but the act itself. There is no way to pin point one reason why someone did something. I'm a cheater. I did it and have regreted it my whole life. Infact, it wasn't intercourse, or anything that, sexually, pleased me. But the act of it was as pleasing as sex. It was a release. I was only damaging myself and I knew what I was doing. I wanted to hurt myself.

And Toaster, I agree with Halx. He isn't saying men and women are the same but rather that they can't be generalized. Each man is different from the next, just like women are different from woman to woman.

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Dream@Bug

eh...it makes a little more sense now than before---- but thank you all for your insight.