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Old 12-07-2006, 01:38 AM   #1 (permalink)
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am I wrong or gross for this?

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Last edited by Wunderbar; 07-01-2008 at 09:26 PM.. Reason: Automerged Doublepost
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Old 12-07-2006, 04:06 AM   #2 (permalink)
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I dont think it is wrong. Maybe it is wrong if it is a secret and you intend to keep it a secret though. I have no problem swapping internet porn though. I used to do it all the time, sometimes with diferent people but there was one guy in prticular that I regularly swapped with.
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Old 12-07-2006, 05:29 AM   #3 (permalink)
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Issues like this have been discussed here a lot. The consensus is: if you can't tell your partner about it, it's cheating. It's not the act that defines right or wrong, it's the secrecy.
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Old 12-07-2006, 05:59 AM   #4 (permalink)
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What are your girlfriend's feelings about sharing porn and dirty talk? If she enjoys that stuff too, then would you have a reason to do this online anonymously? It could be more fun to do it with a real person you are intimate with.
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Old 12-07-2006, 07:17 AM   #5 (permalink)
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Quote:
Originally Posted by ratbastid
Issues like this have been discussed here a lot. The consensus is: if you can't tell your partner about it, it's cheating. It's not the act that defines right or wrong, it's the secrecy.
Exact-a-mundo. The act itself, there's *nothing* dirty or gross at all! It's the feeling of guilt that suggests something wrong, the secrecy.

I suggest that you bring it up with her. It sucks to have things like this hanging over your head unresolved, and you never know, she might surprise you. Good luck, and please let us know what happens, either way.
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Old 12-07-2006, 08:59 AM   #6 (permalink)
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You need to talk to your girlfriend about it. It would be deceitful to have a secret relationship with another person of a sexual nature. It is a real person on the other side of the relationship who you are sharing very real intimacy with, even though you may not ever see or meet this person.

Like everyone else has said, talk to your girlfriend. You may just imagine that she wouldn't be interested. Women are often very uncomfortable talking about their sexual desires and give off the impression that they are not into sex very much...until they get used to it. Then watch out! Inhibition can be overcome with a lot of encouragement and positive reinforcement, as well. Don't count her out too soon.

Good luck, Wunderbar.
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Old 12-07-2006, 02:10 PM   #7 (permalink)
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And even worst case, it's far better that she gets a little annoyed at you and doesn't want you to, then you to be holding a secret from her. IMHO.
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Old 12-07-2006, 03:31 PM   #8 (permalink)
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You'd better tell her. She'll find out sooner or later on her own and it will be at the worst possible time. And trust me, you don't want that to happen. The results can be very bad. As mixedmedia pointed out, there is another real person on the other end. Best you get her feelings on this and fess up now. As a female, I can tell you that I would not want to be kept in the dark on this one. But as others pointed out, she may surprise you. Keep in mind though, that if she agrees to it, it usually goes both ways.
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Old 12-07-2006, 05:47 PM   #9 (permalink)
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well as good natured as ya'll seem to be, sometimes telling her may not be the right choice. its not just about being honest with your partner, though technically speaking he's not being dishonest.

from what i understand he's not having a relationship with this person. there are no emotions, and no sex. its just an outlet that he feels he needs. it may be that his girlfriend does not think highly of such things or that she thinks its wrong for a multiple range of reasons. his girlfriend may not share his views and he feels the need to do this to fulfill a fantasy/desire etc..

wonderbar would be in the best position to judge whther he should or shouldnt tell his girlfriend. theres obvioulsy some guilt, but it may be guilt based on the wrong reasons. many people feel the guilt of sexual related activities due to taboos or issues that arent commonly spoken of. but im also a firm believer also that not all things should be shared with your partner. and yes we all have deep dark secrets that no one else knows about so lets stop with the moral high ground nonsense.
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Old 12-07-2006, 08:16 PM   #10 (permalink)
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Wunderbar, I guess I don't understand the question. I believe that one of the best reasons that we come individually packaged is so that we can feel alone once in awhile. Guilty feelings can wreak havoc on you, though, so be careful with that. Wrong and gross is for you to judge.
If she catches you unknowing there could be hell to pay, but her potential reaction would be hers, right? How well do you know her?
Personally I only wonder about how our species became so queer about sex.
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Old 12-07-2006, 08:20 PM   #11 (permalink)
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Ourcrazymodern?
Personally I only wonder about how our species became so queer about sex.
Population control would be one explanation. (I assume you meant "strange" when you said "queer")
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Old 12-07-2006, 08:34 PM   #12 (permalink)
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Except for China, I don't know that we are seriously trying to control our populations. And I think queer is a wonderfully expressive adjective! It hasn't always referred to things like it does these days. In any case, as long as you understood it, why question my language? Um, thankyou?
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Old 12-07-2006, 11:02 PM   #13 (permalink)
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Ourcrazymodern?
In any case, as long as you understood it, why question my language? Um, thankyou?
there was no question in the statement made. it clearly states that he/she is making an assumption about what your intended meaning is...

as for the OP...chances are that your girl is going to be like "eww, weird, wtf". If you feel guilty about it, then you've already lost. it will eat you alive until you bust out and tell her in some awkward teary-eyed moment....or she'll find it on your PC.

depending on how serious you are about the girl, I'd probably just convince yourself not to feel guilty and cover your tracks well.

Sometimes I dont tell my girlfriend things that I know will upset her. its hard for me to justify telling her something that doesnt affect our relationship. sometimes she just goes into lecture/woman rant mode and it drives me nuts...
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Old 12-08-2006, 06:12 AM   #14 (permalink)
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Porn and sexual habits don't stay hidden forever. While it's true that she might think it's odd and not want to be involved, she has to be able to accept that you like it and be ok with it. I think, if porn (and porn-swapping) is your kink, then you need to find someone who accepts it, because it isn't going to go away.

Here are the options as I see them:
1. Don't tell her, but keep doing it. Eventually she finds out and gets pissed because you were hiding something from her, maybe ruining the relationship.
2. Don't tell her, and stop doing it. This means sexual repression for you, which is not healthy and leads to resentment.
3. Do tell her, and she flips. You have to find a new girlfriend who will allow it.
4. Do tell her, and she doesn't mind. Woohoo!

While option 3 is scary, it's certainly better than options 1 and 2, and might be necessary on your way to finding a truly compatible mate.

Of course, all this is dependent on your desire to stay with this girl. If you are 17(for example) and just looking for fun and experiences, don't tell her. You won't be with her forever anyway.If you are 25 (for example) and ready to look for real love, you need to tell her because you cannot be with someone who wion't accept your sexual nature for what it is.

Obviously the age numbers are just an example, some people want forever when they are 15 and some never stop enjoying the party life! But you see what I mean.
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Old 12-08-2006, 06:16 AM   #15 (permalink)
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Very nicely encapsulated, Acetylene. Good job. I agree with all of this.
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Old 12-08-2006, 02:38 PM   #16 (permalink)
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Either I missed it above, or it wasn't said... but either way, I think i've also read on here a million times that if it makes you feel bad/wrong/guilty that you're doing it, then that's probably because you know it would make her sad or angry, and would probably not be something she's want you doing. Proceed as you must, but I think I agree with Acetylene.
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Old 12-08-2006, 02:56 PM   #17 (permalink)
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[QUOTE=waltert]there was no question in the statement made. it clearly states that he/she is making an assumption about what your intended meaning is...

Um, thankyou? Needless to say, I feel qualified to use the word queer. This in much the same way that many other subtypes use words that they don't accept from others' mouths. I trust that that is clear enough?
To the OP, I am told that complete openness is the only way to have a healthy relationship, and I have observed that these people seem to be doing much better, read happily, than, say, for instance, me. I always tell the kids that we make our own paths. Good luck sharing, or not sharing. Porn or honesty or whatever. Keeping something to yourself doesn't necessarily comprise lying, IMHO.
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Old 12-08-2006, 03:05 PM   #18 (permalink)
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I completely agree with Acetylene. My post was from the perspective of you being in the stage where you want to "settle down" with this girl.
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Old 12-09-2006, 04:20 PM   #19 (permalink)
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Let's make nice, have parties and pet each other!
Would it not be a good thing? Data, from Next Generation, couldn't use contractions. I thought that that was bizarre.
Settling down: What's that? xxmm
I agree completely with none of my fellow individually-packaged FHBs.
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Old 12-09-2006, 08:18 PM   #20 (permalink)
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If she's the apple of your eye, broach the subject with her. She may think exactly the same way you do.

If you didn't have a girlfriend, I still wouldn't think it a bad thing. I said once in another thread (and many disagreed with me) but sometimes it's easier to 'let go' and indulge your fantasies with someone you don't know. I still stand by this.
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Old 12-09-2006, 09:00 PM   #21 (permalink)
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[QUOTE=Ourcrazymodern?]
Quote:
Originally Posted by waltert
there was no question in the statement made. it clearly states that he/she is making an assumption about what your intended meaning is...

Um, thankyou? Needless to say, I feel qualified to use the word queer. This in much the same way that many other subtypes use words that they don't accept from others' mouths. I trust that that is clear enough?
honestly its made me more confused, I have no legitimate answer for the question "Um, thankyou?"
you feel a need to qualify the use of the word "queer"...and you qualify to use the term because you are homosexual, or odd?

this situation has gotten so incredibly complex...

I thought you were just being mean or snooty to the first person you posted "Um, thankyou?" to and I was trying to stick up for 'em a little bit.

Im afraid this might start an E-argument unwelcome in the TFP, so we'll say that you're right, Im wrong and I'll leave the thread
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Old 12-09-2006, 11:28 PM   #22 (permalink)
still, wondering.
 
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Waltert, don't go! I apologize.
I know that queer is a trigger word but I thought it was ok to use it here.

Wunderbar! How's it going??????
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