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Old 05-25-2007, 08:12 AM   #1 (permalink)
I'm having some issues

I dunno, I know this might sound weird but I'm 22 years old and I love sex, maybe a bit too much even. However, I just dont feel "attractive* anymore. That might sound weird coming from a dude but its true. I got in two major car accidents in a 3 month period. The first one put me in physical therapy which happened in February. The last one happened 2 weeks ago.

I dunno, I'm feeling real insecure about myself with alot of things overall. I just graduated college before the accident and because of that I've been unable to work and I'm not and school. I've gained a good 20 lbs because I do nothing but sit on my ass all day. I used to be in pretty good shape now I feel like a blob. I think I have some major self esteem issues or something.

But yea, of course this is affecting my mental state of sexuality also. I've been with the same girl for 5 and a half years and the sex is still good. But even if she says its good and stuff I STILL don't believe it. It's weird. It really bugs me that I cant just accept a compliment or anything like that. Its gotten to the point where I dont even feel like doing it. I think I need therapy or something. If I tell her I dont want to do it, she'll kill me lol We both are sexually charged people so I dunno what to do about this
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Old 05-25-2007, 08:17 AM   #2 (permalink)
Cautiously soaring
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Location: exploring my new home in SF
Well you've given a lot of reasons why you might be feeling that way. weight gain, lack of movement, recent car crashes. These are all things that will contribute to your self image.

Are you unable to do anything because of the accident? I know for me when I'm feeling like a 'blob' it helps to be active and work out and at least get moving.

As for the sex part of your 'problem,' try something new and exciting. Go have sex outdoors, buy a new toy together, go try on some new clothes and have a nice session in a dressing room.

The bottom line is that if you're stationary because of your accident then all you can do is the most you can. Get moving as much as possible and use this 'down time' to find some more things your interested in.

No one suddenly becomes unattractive!
Patriotism means being loyal to your country all the time and to its government when it deserves it.
--Mark Twain
Do What makes you happy
"Happiness is the absence of the striving for happiness" - Chuang-Tzu
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Old 05-25-2007, 08:25 AM   #3 (permalink)
I was almost to the point where I'd be able to exercise and stuff again but since the other accident my chest has been in pain so yet again, no longer able to exercise. I cant even walk my dog without having trouble
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Old 05-25-2007, 09:36 AM   #4 (permalink)
Cautiously soaring
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Location: exploring my new home in SF
Well then I would say be patient. Do as much as you can right now and when you start exercising again have a goal to fit into new pants or something you know will help that self-image of yours. As your confidence goes up I am willing to bet that your libido will to. Also, your girl will find it hot as hell to watch you drop the weight and see your confidence come back! Keep your chin up man, being hurt sucks. There was a while where rugby kept me sidelined with a separated rib and currently with my back. It sucks for sure! Sometimes the reasons (and therefore solutions) are right there in front of you! Keep your chin up man :-)
Patriotism means being loyal to your country all the time and to its government when it deserves it.
--Mark Twain
Do What makes you happy
"Happiness is the absence of the striving for happiness" - Chuang-Tzu
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Old 05-25-2007, 05:14 PM   #5 (permalink)
Location: San Antonio, TX
Is physical therapy involved in recovering from your accident? I don't know what your insurance/money situation is, but maybe physical therapy could both help you recover from your accident faster and help you excercise more to keep the weight down. Also, even if you can't exercise as much as you'd like, you could maybe look into changing your diet for awhile. If your activity level is lower due to your injuries, and you're taking in the same number of calories, it stands to reason you'd gain weight. Reducing what you eat and eating healthier could help with the weight gain - but alas not with muscle tone, etc.

This does sound like something temporary that you can work through as you recover from your injuries - I just hope your girl is understanding and supports you through this tough time. Be sure to let her know what you're feeling so she doesn't feel pushed away.

You can work through this, dude - good luck, and let us know how things are going!
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Old 05-25-2007, 05:35 PM   #6 (permalink)
still, wondering.
Ourcrazymodern?'s Avatar
Location: South Minneapolis, somewhere near the gorgeous gorge
Fuck through the pain and reflect harder on your state of mind.
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Old 05-25-2007, 05:47 PM   #7 (permalink)
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Location: low-velocity Earth orbit
Travis Bickle: June twenty-ninth. I gotta get in shape. Too much sitting has ruined my body. Too much abuse has gone on for too long. From now on there will be 50 pushups each morning, 50 pullups. There will be no more pills, no more bad food, no more destroyers of my body. From now on will be total organization. Every muscle must be tight.
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Old 05-25-2007, 05:54 PM   #8 (permalink)
... a sort of licensed troubleshooter.
Willravel's Avatar
I'm sorry about the accidents. I'm glad you're okay.

If you're off your feet, I suggest lowering your caloric intake. If you're hungry, eat some fruit. If you need some comfort food, microwave an apple and throw some cinnamon on it. Please, please avoid eating garbage.

Now is the time to buckle down and get yourself into healthy behavioral patterns. Spend time with friends and family, who are there for you (shoot, we're here for you and we've never even met!). Ironically, Giant Hamburger seems to be here to make sure you're healthy. I'm sure I can help, too.

Find motivation in your want to improve. Find motivation in your gf. Find motivation in that if you work hard enough, you can be in better shape than ever. Find a workout partner, maybe who is also in physical therapy.

We wish you the best of luck, and we're all rooting for you.
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Old 06-08-2007, 07:23 AM   #9 (permalink)
I Confess a Shiver
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(reads your post twice, skims responses for touchy-feelies)

So... have you directly expressed these concerns with her?

When I got back from Army torture-the-shit-outta-ya school I had lost over 15 pounds... I was a sunken eyed skeleton. At 6'1" and 150ish... I wasn't much to look at anymore. I was worried that my wife wouldn't find me attractive anymore because my physique had wilted away to help me survive. I asked her about it and she said it was okay, that I had been through a ride on life's roulette wheel and that she was glad that she could witness the changes.

I am sure she is quite glad that you survived (as opposed to the alternative) and that the healing process from such survival is not always beautiful, but the character that it tests and fortifies is...

I honestly think you'll be able to look back on this later in life and use it to harden your resolve as far as what you value about yourself. You can be like: "Hey, I was there. I know how it is. I know how to work my way out of it." There is nothing more attractive than confidence, bro.

We're all striving to get a piece of that Prime Self.


Love isn't a sterile warm sensation with harp music in the background, no, love is wiping up your S/O's rancid body fluids at three in the morning.
Whatever you can carry.

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Old 06-09-2007, 11:56 PM   #10 (permalink)
Creizen's Avatar
Wow, man you are unlucky, 2 accidents in 3 months. I can't understand the situation you're in. It's never happened to me. But the advice here seems pretty good about diet etc. Other than this, I might just look at it like this, yeah there is a level of attractiveness that you might think is satisfactory. Just realise you are way more attractive than tons of people in the world still, maybe you dropped down the bar a little, but you can climb back up again and the more time you have and with luck on your side for no more car accidents, you'll be in tip top shape if you keep focused.

Hope things improve for you!

(The idea about trying something new and exciting in the sex department is good I think, when I've downed off sex before which has usually been because the same stuff gets boring, something thats new can really get you going again with passion.)
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Old 07-09-2007, 10:06 AM   #11 (permalink)
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Location: Australia
1) it's normal to have concerns over your apperance / sexuality no matter which gender you belong to (the fact that a significant portion of the male American population suffers from an eating disorder proves that appearance concerns are cross gnder)

2) You had a major accident 2 weeks ago. Give yourself some time especially with a chest injury, the last thing you need to do is reopen a wound or get an infection and spend more time stuck in your bed / chair while you recuperate over again. If you're feeling slightly blobbish you can reduce your calory intake and stick to more protein intensive foods or vegetables and fruit or do small light exercises when you feel up to it.

Your gf has been with you for 5 years now. She's not going to love you any less because you are having a low point, explain to her how you feel. The only reason I've ever heard of a woman being mad when refused sex is because she'd interpreted it as him rejecting her. With you definitely not the case.
"I want to be remembered as the girl who always smiles even when her heart is broken... and the one that could brighten up your day even if she couldnt brighten her own"

"Her emotions were clear waters. You could see the scarring and pockmarks at the bottom of the pool, but it was just a part of her landscape – the consequences of others’ actions in which she claimed no part."
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