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Old 08-27-2007, 06:01 PM   #1 (permalink)
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girlfriend hates porn....what do I do?

So I know my girlfriend hates porn in all shapes and sizes. However, being a guy, I love it. I don't know if she quite understands that the only reason I use it is to get off and not because I fantasize about women other than her. So here's my predicament. She told me she hates porn a long time ago (we've been together for a year) but doesn't know that I still watch it. A little background info, I play baseball and am away for 5 months of the year. She was with me for about a month or so and then she left. While she was here I didn't watch it at all because she was here with me and I didn't need it. We're apart at the moment but I'm going home in a week and a half and we'll be together, so I won't need it. The only time I watch it is when she's not with me. I told her I would stop last time (which was before I left for baseball) because she got REALLY upset and insecure when I told her I was still watching it while I was still at home. My recent phone conversation with her prompted this post because she asked me, which leads me to the question, am I wrong for telling her I'm not watching it when I really am when she's not with me? Is it kind of what she doesn't know won't hurt her type deals? Also, a little side note, her 'reward' for me telling her I'm not watching porn are sexy pics and webcam chats *wink wink* The sexy pics however are only one set and she refuses to take more and we've done the webcam thing a few times before. I know she hates porn, but I need to get mine while she's gone. What is a guy to do?
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Old 08-27-2007, 06:56 PM   #2 (permalink)
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Hmmmm, she doesn't have to know everything you do, just don't tall her you're still watching porn and problem solved. Whenever she visits you, be carefull to erase all your tracks in the computer and you will be safe.
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Old 08-27-2007, 07:16 PM   #3 (permalink)
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Are you wrong to lie? Strictly speaking, yes, but it's a little more gray than that. I would consider no more porn a rather unreasonable request for most people.

A lot of women are more interested in erotic literature (for whatever reason). You might try to ease her in via some sex stories first. Read them to her. Pornography can be a wonderful shared experience. Maybe even write some yourself about both of you (so she can't get jealous). Don't start with the kinky stuff, though.
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Old 08-28-2007, 12:42 AM   #4 (permalink)
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pretty obvious she doesnt want you to look at "other women" naked. I doubt it's anything to do with "porn" other than the other women involved.


I think you have 2 choices then...

either hide it really, REALLY well... (because its gonna blow up if she finds out you lied about it)

or get her to make one with you! so you wont have to look at the other women in porn, (but get a couple! after awhile the same one just stops working!)
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Old 08-28-2007, 01:06 AM   #5 (permalink)
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being forced to lie is setting yourself up for being wrong.
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Old 08-28-2007, 01:39 AM   #6 (permalink)
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You cant do anything... My girlfried also dont like that kind of movies and what can I say?? We think that we dont need this. She excite me and vice versa. Furthermore this is kind of adultery.
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Old 08-28-2007, 02:23 AM   #7 (permalink)
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You should have a frank conversation with her and express your desire to view pornography without her being upset.

It's understandable for people to say, "I don't want to watch it", but telling an SO that they can't watch it at all, no questions, is simply a measure of their insecurity. If you were addicted to it and it endangered your relationship, that'd be one thing, but you're just looking to resolve some pent-up baby batter.

Think of it this way: If she were a staunch vegan, Satan worshiper, or even republican (just a joke), and demanded that you not only pay heed to her particular philosophies, but also adopt them yourself without question, would you stand for it?

I think you would not, and you definitely should not. You should, instead, have a conversation with her and see what the real issue is.

Because until then, your lying is still lying, and your reasons for lying don't really exonerate you.
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Old 08-28-2007, 02:33 AM   #8 (permalink)
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Your mom can "tell you" not to watch porn. A girlfriend should encourage you to watch porn... and then do such activities to her.

I think that is the cycle.
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Old 08-28-2007, 04:11 AM   #9 (permalink)
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let me just first start off by saying i absolutely LOVE watching porn. especially with healer. oh my goodness it turns me on like nothing else.

but i mean, you have you preferences and she has hers. i thinkit's unfair of her to not want you to watch it just because she doesnt like it. but thats no excuse to lie either.

just tell her that its what you like and you respect that she doesnt and she should in turn respect that you do.

a big factor in building a relationship with someone is compromise.
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Old 08-28-2007, 02:27 PM   #10 (permalink)
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get a different girlfriend.



ok I say that in half jest but, I had a girlfriend who was cool with porn, who liked it.

One day though she got upset that I had looked at some. Turns out to her, porn was watching "sex" and therefore was only neat to her because of that, and it ramped her up a bit.

I guess she got into a discussion about porn with some dumbass co-worker of hers who insisted that porn is just a way for guys to mentally "cheat" on thier girlfriends because they just fantasize about fucking porn stars while they get thier rocks off.

needless to say she took it to heart.


it came down to a battle between the 2 of us several times. The 1st round I agreed to see her point of view and attempt to remove it from my existance and just be totally "me and her" about the relationship. But there were times that we weren't seeing eachother much, or getting along for some other reason, or she was out of commission due to the girlie week. I managed to scrape by without for a while but eventually it just sucked. I also noticed she had no problem watching porn of her own so it kind of came down to a double standard on her part (although this doesnt sound like it would be an issue with your girlfriend) eventually she just fessed up that she was being possessive and controlling and that she never had an issue with it before with any of her other relationships, that it was just me that she pretty much feared losing to another woman.

Basically, what it comes down to is, you need to sit her down and tell her to learn to trust you and accept your habits. If she cant trust you around girls who aren't real, it will only get worse if you hang out with any other friends who are also girls in reality. It's not YOUR problem man, she needs to have her trust issues dealt with so she can realize a relationship isn't about "possession" and "control"

basically she was afraid that i'd leave her for another girl, and the irony of it all was, she left me for another guy. So it could also be a warning sign that she's looking for the flaws that she has in herself, in you.

Last edited by Shauk; 08-28-2007 at 02:39 PM..
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Old 08-28-2007, 02:34 PM   #11 (permalink)
 
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Whatever you do, stop lying to her. That will not help anything. Come clean about it, and let her decide what she wants to do. If it's that big of a deal to her, and it's that big of a deal to you (e.g. she doesn't want to try and be more open-minded, or work on the source of her insecurity, and you don't want to try and reduce your porn use), then that's a pretty big red flag.

Do you really want to be with someone that you have to lie to in order to make peace for the rest of your life? I don't think so.
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Old 08-28-2007, 03:21 PM   #12 (permalink)
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Don't ask, don't tell.

If you have an open and honest conversation with her, I highly doubt that she's going to see your point of view. More likely, she will bust your balls about it and tell you what to do - i.e. no more porno for you my son.

Ask her how she feels about strippers and lap dances and see what she says.
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Old 08-28-2007, 04:32 PM   #13 (permalink)
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either reevaluate your interest in porn, or reevaluate your interest in this lady. it seems you can't have both.
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Old 08-28-2007, 09:57 PM   #14 (permalink)
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no way

Quote:
don't ask, don't tell
best advice in here so far, they don't need to know everything. This is a reason to re-evaluate being with someone? You guys must have a SO that see's everything exactly the same as you or you don't have one for that very reason.
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Old 08-28-2007, 10:05 PM   #15 (permalink)
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Quote:
Originally Posted by james t kirk
Don't ask, don't tell.

If you have an open and honest conversation with her, I highly doubt that she's going to see your point of view. More likely, she will bust your balls about it and tell you what to do - i.e. no more porno for you my son.

Ask her how she feels about strippers and lap dances and see what she says.
I tend to agree with you James. I think your response was spot on. I think if we do sit down and have an open discussion about it then she'll never see my point no matter how clear I make it.
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Old 08-28-2007, 10:39 PM   #16 (permalink)
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OOOOOOOOOOOH BOY...

To me, this is an easy one. you want her to let you watch porn? Don't lie.

Tell her quite simply -"I am away from you. I AM going to need to get off. I would LOVE for it to be with you. Simple fact, you are NOT here. I think that sitting in my hotel room watching porn is acceptable. Would you honestly prefer that I go out and find a different girl night after night to take care of the fact that I would like to get off, or would you like me to be in my room, missing you, wanting you, and getting off alone while some porn is on, and I'm thinking - oh shit - i cant wait to get home and do this/try that with *girlfriends name*. Yeah hun, I DO watch porn when I'm on the road. because I love you enough not to be out screwing some nameless bimbo. Some of the other guys don't give their women that courtesy. If you have issues with me watching other couples on video - no problem. Let's set up a camera and tape US. Then I am going to be watching US, and that to me, sounds like something we could both enjoy"

Good luck hun. we women are hard nuts to crack on the porn issue if we "don't like it."
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Old 08-29-2007, 02:12 AM   #17 (permalink)
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the whole dont ask dont tell approach doesn't work for any serious relationship. Eventually you have to know that your SO knows enough about you that if say, something comes up 10 years later in marriage, its not going to come across like you were "hiding it" If you want a completely open and honest relationship, that shit doesn't fly at all, don't preach it.

Talk to her about it and set it straight. Don't make the mistake that a lot of people seem to make with this whole "security through obscurity" approach (like zomg my relationship can't get hacked if I don't broadcast it's IP address to my gf) (ok i'm going off the geek deepend)

I AM 199% CERTAIN that you would prefer to be with her even more if you could get her to see eye to eye with you on this issue. moreover, that would be stress off your back if you could. Now, if she doesn't wanna even make an effort, make a stand, put the relationship on the line, demand perfection or compromise from your relationship, no one person should be the "boss" over your personal time damnit and you shouldn't have to hide it either.

if nothing else, you'll be free to find someone who isn't such a distrustful prude.
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Old 08-29-2007, 02:34 AM   #18 (permalink)
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Shauk
the whole dont ask dont tell approach doesn't work for any serious relationship. Eventually you have to know that your SO knows enough about you that if say, something comes up 10 years later in marriage, its not going to come across like you were "hiding it" If you want a completely open and honest relationship, that shit doesn't fly at all, don't preach it.

....

if nothing else, you'll be free to find someone who isn't such a distrustful prude.
Yep. I mean, if she's not marriage material, then go on hiding it... who cares, you're not trying to build up a strong foundation anyway, right? On the other hand, if you're serious about her and making it work in the long run, you've got to see eye to eye on the porn issue. It's one of those things that will plague your relationship in different ways until you get it resolved, or the relationship ends as a result. No good can come out of lying about something as central as your sexual satisfaction... if she doesn't like it, then you ought to find someone else who does.
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Old 08-29-2007, 05:17 AM   #19 (permalink)
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lying is always a bad idea, you can try to convince her, but if she finds it truely offensive, you may have to choose between it and her.
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Old 08-29-2007, 05:21 AM   #20 (permalink)
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Midnight
OOOOOOOOOOOH BOY...

To me, this is an easy one. you want her to let you watch porn? Don't lie.

Tell her quite simply -"I am away from you. I AM going to need to get off. I would LOVE for it to be with you. Simple fact, you are NOT here. I think that sitting in my hotel room watching porn is acceptable. Would you honestly prefer that I go out and find a different girl night after night to take care of the fact that I would like to get off, or would you like me to be in my room, missing you, wanting you, and getting off alone while some porn is on, and I'm thinking - oh shit - i cant wait to get home and do this/try that with *girlfriends name*. Yeah hun, I DO watch porn when I'm on the road. because I love you enough not to be out screwing some nameless bimbo. Some of the other guys don't give their women that courtesy. If you have issues with me watching other couples on video - no problem. Let's set up a camera and tape US. Then I am going to be watching US, and that to me, sounds like something we could both enjoy"

Good luck hun. we women are hard nuts to crack on the porn issue if we "don't like it."
To sum up: "I wish I could always eat steak, but when it's not available, I eat McDonalds. I also wish I could have sex with you all the time, but if you aren't here, I watch porn. It isn't a suitable substitute for you, but it fills my needs."
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Old 08-29-2007, 06:06 AM   #21 (permalink)
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Shauk
the whole dont ask dont tell approach doesn't work for any serious relationship.
I concur, the DON'T ASK, DON'T TELL policy is like going over to someone's house, using their toilet paper to take a dump, and then winding it back on the roll and pretending they can't see the colorful streak.

Honesty is the best policy when you're talking about sex, money, and how their ass looks in those pants.
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Old 08-29-2007, 06:41 AM   #22 (permalink)
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Midnight
"...If you have issues with me watching other couples on video - no problem. Let's set up a camera and tape US. Then I am going to be watching US, and that to me, sounds like something we could both enjoy"
Brilliant!

That's the solution, right there, BigDonk. You guys need to get in the porn business together!
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Old 08-29-2007, 08:36 AM   #23 (permalink)
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I like the suggestion of making a movie together. You need to get to the real reason why she does not like the idea of you watching porno.

Seems odd, you'd think she would want you to watch it. Your far away from home, horny there are worst things you could be doing for gratification. btw don't say that to her as you'll just put idea's in her head!

/thread jack

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Old 08-29-2007, 09:48 AM   #24 (permalink)
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Dump her ass/

if she really "hates" porn then there is no way for her to be compatitble with you.. or anyone really.

Guys like to look at porn, it's life.
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Old 08-29-2007, 09:53 AM   #25 (permalink)
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Fear of being "inadequate" was what my ex said porn did to her.

Women with body issues / fear of rejection issues can't handle it.

They're controlling and too worried about themselves, their image.

She didn't get it. She didn't get that I wanted her above all.

Hence the ex.

...

Instructions: Continue watching porn. Be honest about it.
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Old 08-29-2007, 10:13 AM   #26 (permalink)
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what she doesnt know wont hurt her.

if she finds out you kept it secret, it will effect her confidence in you even more and upset her worse.

so, its a question of swings and roundabouts, isnt it?

I suppose it also is a case of if your enjoyment of porno is more important to you than hurting her feelings. Some people equate pornography to violence and exploitation - you might not share that view, but it is not totally invalid for her to hold the position that it is immoral
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Old 08-29-2007, 10:33 AM   #27 (permalink)
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Watch porn. Jerk off till only blood come out. Tell her. Or not. Nothing is gonna change. She'll either leave you or she'll pretend she doesn't know you like to watch 19yr old blond girls that "just needs money for college" get pounded in the ass by a 7 foot black guy with a cock the size of well... me... while a brunet (that's not as cute but that's okay, they aren't really showing her face much cause she's busy trying to both of the guys balls into her mouth) masturbates with an ear of corn...


Just do what you. Maybe one day you'll meet a girl that will actually let you. But we all know that's never gonna happen.
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Old 08-29-2007, 10:34 AM   #28 (permalink)
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Though true that what she doesn't know won't hurt her, what she finds out later that she didn't know will. Basic choices:
1. Don't tell her and take the risk.
2. Stop watching/looking at porn and get off to the pics she's given you of herself.
3. Tell her you want to watch it/look at it and you're going ot anyway and deal with the results.
Ultimately I guess it's whichever one you can handle?
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Old 08-29-2007, 10:35 AM   #29 (permalink)
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Old 08-29-2007, 11:36 AM   #30 (permalink)
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I'd try to introduce to the idea of porn by slowly breaking her in. Watch 9 1/2 weeks or movies of that nature that are more mainstream. Make sure the experience is a positive one for her and built from it.
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Old 08-29-2007, 04:56 PM   #31 (permalink)
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Continuing to do any behaviour despite the fact that it puts your relationship at risk and being willing to lie about it, is a good working definition of addiction. Perhaps you should just sit back and take a long look at your need to have porn.
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Old 08-29-2007, 05:09 PM   #32 (permalink)
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Crompsin
A lie is only a fight put on time-out.
anyone who's been in a live in relationship knows this is the truth.
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Old 08-29-2007, 05:16 PM   #33 (permalink)
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Crompsin
Fear of being "inadequate" was what my ex said porn did to her.

Women with body issues / fear of rejection issues can't handle it.

They're controlling and too worried about themselves, their image.

She didn't get it. She didn't get that I wanted her above all.

Hence the ex.

...

Instructions: Continue watching porn. Be honest about it.


I have both body issues and fear of rejection crompsin - and porn and a man involved with me dosent bother me a bit - i know what i look like and know that men are visually stimulated. I even ENCOURAGED one of my ex bf's to go to the strip clubs if he so desired as long as all his financial obligations were met - and his dick stayed out of other women - what the hell did I care?
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Old 08-29-2007, 05:22 PM   #34 (permalink)
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I think your girlfriend is being entirely unreasonable. She doesn't like porn - and that's fine. She doesn't have to watch porn.

It's not a form of adultery. It's a form of getting your nuts off when you can't get the real thing. Or, to quote Jerry Seinfeld about masturbation, "we have to do it, it's part of our lifestyle."

I don't agree with the don't tell policy. I have lots of porn and I don't rub any of it in my wife's face. She knows I watch porn and she doesn't mind it. I just don't want to be too obvious about it, but I'd never lie about it. There's just no reason to lie about stuff like that in a healthy relationship.

I mean, what's next? Your girlfriend tells you whether or not you're allowed to masturbate?

Naw, man... No good. Stand your ground. You don't have to be an ass about it, but you don't have to let her control you like that either. Just tell her it is something most guys do, it's harmless and normal, and you're not going to stop doing it.
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Old 08-30-2007, 10:20 AM   #35 (permalink)
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I recommend you both sit down together and read Stranger in a Strange Land by Robert Heinlein. There is a part pretty far into the book where Mike the Martian is able to allow Jill to see pornography through the eyes of a male and she finally understands what it's all about and becomes more accepting of it once she can see it through a man's eyes.

Heinlein explains it way better than I can, so read it.

Grancey and I used to be friends with a couple where the wife hated the very existence of pornography. But when the husband found out I had a collection of X-rated videos on VHS, he was constantly (and VERY secretly) borrowing them. Grancey didn't care about them, so that guy was comfortable borrowing them in front of Grancey, but his wife would have brained all three of us if she'd known.
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Old 08-30-2007, 05:47 PM   #36 (permalink)
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I do not Grok this hatred of pronography myself ( if you've read the book warrrreagl mentioned you'll get that statement)

Lying about it is the wrong thing to do though, if she finds out is she going to be more upset that you decided to watch porn or that you've been lying to her about it for so many months?

Quote:
Tell her quite simply -"I am away from you. I AM going to need to get off. I would LOVE for it to be with you. Simple fact, you are NOT here. I think that sitting in my hotel room watching porn is acceptable. Would you honestly prefer that I go out and find a different girl night after night to take care of the fact that I would like to get off, or would you like me to be in my room, missing you, wanting you, and getting off alone while some porn is on, and I'm thinking - oh shit - i cant wait to get home and do this/try that with *girlfriends name*. Yeah hun, I DO watch porn when I'm on the road. because I love you enough not to be out screwing some nameless bimbo. Some of the other guys don't give their women that courtesy. If you have issues with me watching other couples on video - no problem. Let's set up a camera and tape US. Then I am going to be watching US, and that to me, sounds like something we could both enjoy"
That conversation sounds like a pretty good idea to me

Quote:
While she was here I didn't watch it at all because she was here with me and I didn't need it. We're apart at the moment but I'm going home in a week and a half and we'll be together, so I won't need it. The only time I watch it is when she's not with me.
If you make that clear to her it should solve alot of problems - you don't want porn instead of her you would prefer to have her but sometimes she's just not available.

Might help to know exactly what her objection to porn is, does she think it's exploitive, violent, voyeuristic etc etc etc
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Old 09-01-2007, 08:00 PM   #37 (permalink)
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Quote:
Originally Posted by BigDonkey2
So I know my girlfriend hates porn in all shapes and sizes. However, being a guy, I love it. I don't know if she quite understands that the only reason I use it is to get off and not because I fantasize about women other than her. So here's my predicament. She told me she hates porn a long time ago (we've been together for a year) but doesn't know that I still watch it. A little background info, I play baseball and am away for 5 months of the year. She was with me for about a month or so and then she left. While she was here I didn't watch it at all because she was here with me and I didn't need it. We're apart at the moment but I'm going home in a week and a half and we'll be together, so I won't need it. The only time I watch it is when she's not with me. I told her I would stop last time (which was before I left for baseball) because she got REALLY upset and insecure when I told her I was still watching it while I was still at home. My recent phone conversation with her prompted this post because she asked me, which leads me to the question, am I wrong for telling her I'm not watching it when I really am when she's not with me? Is it kind of what she doesn't know won't hurt her type deals? Also, a little side note, her 'reward' for me telling her I'm not watching porn are sexy pics and webcam chats *wink wink* The sexy pics however are only one set and she refuses to take more and we've done the webcam thing a few times before. I know she hates porn, but I need to get mine while she's gone. What is a guy to do?
I knew it! I just knew it... Girls don't like porn.
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Old 09-01-2007, 08:21 PM   #38 (permalink)
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Orly?! Kthx.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Kpax
I knew it! I just knew it... Girls don't like porn.
Kpax: The rest of the thread called. Says it feels neglected.
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Old 09-01-2007, 10:01 PM   #39 (permalink)
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Quote:
I knew it! I just knew it... Girls don't like porn.
I call BS

Many of the women on here and the ones I know irl do like porn. My friend Kirsty and I regularly trade dvds or usb drives filled with porn whether they're movies, short vids, hentai, pictures or games.

Some women just don't like porn /shrug

I assume it's kinda like the fact that I don't like to wear shorts.
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Old 09-02-2007, 02:56 AM   #40 (permalink)
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Kpax
I knew it! I just knew it... Girls don't like porn.
Umm, have you read ANY other threads on TFP at all? PLENTY of us women like porn, believe me. You're taking ONE man's story as representative of ALL women... not the wisest approach.
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