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Old 06-29-2011, 08:19 AM   #1 (permalink)
Upright
 
Best friend..... with benefits

So its such a long story, so i'll sum it up quickly.

he and i met at my part time job at a restaurant and we got along pretty well from the start and gradually, mostly because of his personality, found myself attracted to him. he wasnt the typical guy id be into (he's shorter than guys ive liked before and i usually like younger guys but he's 27) but eventually found myself flirting with him via texts etc, come to find out later he had been "playing" me and intended on sleeping with me too and well a month or so, and a few drinks later, we had sex. the next day i freaked out to him saying, omg i dont do one night stands, omg what just happened, etc, and he was like its not a big deal, dont worry about it, blah blah blah.

well it turned out to NOT be a one night stand. we kept doing it and eventually he said "look, im not looking to date anyone right now, so dont expect this ever." and at that time, my heart still slightly broken from my ex was thinking the same thing. now keep in mind, i havent had sex with too many guys and so keeping emotions separated from sex is really hard from me, so in the beginning of our arrangement, i definitely had moments of struggle, but eventually i got over it and took it for what it was. sex. and well, friendship. in fact, a beautiful friendship blossomed out of it all. we ended up spending almost every night and every day together. granted we did the deed a LOT, 4-6 times a week. but we did just hang out, talk too. and he ended up sleeping over a lot (also because our part time job is closer to me than to his place) and in the end we became best friends.

now heres the complicated part. we now live together with another roommate and its a three bedroom, so its not like we moved in together as a couple or anything of that sort. we have our separate bedrooms, except we havent slept without each other in months and so we continue to do so in our new apartment. and we never made it exclusive because we BOTH don't have time/dont want to be tied down, so i have gone on dates with guys and had crushes, and hes done the same, except we did promise to be totally honest with each other if we did sleep with someone else, for health reasons of course. we also made a rule of no sleeping with each other's friends, and no going down on other people/letting them go down on us. (for health reasons.) and so far we havent slept with anyone else, we've made out with other people and other people have been interested in us, but we still manage to spend all our time together, while still being intimate 3-5 times a week. we're basically a couple when we're alone. we dont PDA much, if at all outside the bedroom, we do cuddle at night and occasionally on the couch when we're watching a movie. but other than that? nothing. we're best friends to everyone else (even though people suspect otherwise) hes recently had a girl desperately trying to get with him and because he likes attention hasnt discouraged her and its been bothering me sooo much.

im pretty sure i have feelings for him. after all, im not a robot and after spending, now 7 months, with this guy how could i NOT have feelings for him? im sure he feels slightly similar, but the problem is he was hurt in the past and never wants to get married and im sure he doesnt want a relationship right now (if i mention the word dating or anything he'll respond with an "ick") and to be honest, im pretty sure i dont want a boyfriend right now because i am focusing on my career and my life for a change (i used to be a serial dater) so i dont know what to do cause this whole situation is driving me insane!

all my friends say to just stop hooking up with him and get over him and im thinking thats my only option really. but its so hard when we're so attracted to each other on so many levels.

help please.
enthused is offline  
Old 06-29-2011, 08:53 AM   #2 (permalink)
Upright
 
The dilemma of the modern woman.

My suggestion: weigh your priorities -> make a tough choice or come up with a compromise that accommodates both ends.

I've heard the "focus on the education/career" mantra many times before, but it never maintained any validity to me. You know you have serious feelings for him, you know you want to be with him.

The way to compromise would in my mind look something along these lines (but by all means, radically change it): have a serious talk with him about your feelings, your objectives, your thoughts on the situation and possible future outcomes. Make sure you convey to him that you really want his input on the entire matter and to find a solution together that would work for both of you emotionally and physically, as well as not hinder the education/career objectives of either of you.

Working out together what to do is so much better than a person deciding "what is best for both of us". Never liked that sentiment, never will.

Wish you much luck should you stay true to your feelings, want to find a solution and have the determination to fight for having the best of both worlds. Otherwise, good luck with your education/career.
Remixer is offline  
Old 06-29-2011, 10:07 AM   #3 (permalink)
follower of the child's crusade?
 
I dont really get what the difference can be between a best friend with benefits and a boyfriend?

If he doesnt want to commit and you feel like maybe you do, I can only see it as something that will end in unhappiness.. in my opinion you really have to probably address it as early as you can rather than be a year down the line when it comes to a head.
__________________
"Do not tell lies, and do not do what you hate,
for all things are plain in the sight of Heaven. For nothing
hidden will not become manifest, and nothing covered will remain
without being uncovered."

The Gospel of Thomas
Strange Famous is offline  
Old 07-03-2011, 10:30 PM   #4 (permalink)
Insane
 
Location: hampshire
He should wear you on his arm with pride - silly boy. Of course you are emotionaly involved - you are lovers. I am guessing if it was not a secret, then you would not be so worried about this other girl. I do hope you manage to resolve this Narnia problem. Makes me appreciate my quiet life with my dog - you know where you stand with a dog - if they bite, its for obvious reason. They seem to last longer too. Maybe it was my choice of men ..... they kept breaking.
chinese crested is offline  
 

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