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Old 07-23-2003, 07:39 PM   #1 (permalink)
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Worst One Night Stand? (Long)

With all the other threads like the strangest orgasm, this is next logical topic. Theres got to be some stories where you feel like you should gnaw your own arm off at the shoulder to avoid waking them up when you leave.

I got two, here's one. Sorry if it is too long, and I have never been much of a story teller.



My buddy and I are at a club and this blonde walks over to me. She says in a beautiful Swedish accent, "My friend really likes you."

"Really, where is she?" I said.

"She's in the washroom, I'll go get her." she said.

I thought if she's Swedish and looks at least as good as her friend, what the heck. They come back from the washroom, and the Swedes friend is , uhh, well, butterface, and a little summer teeth thrown there too.

She comes right up to me and grabs my collar and says in my ear, "I want to fuck your brains out." Well she wasn't Swedish, but with a line like that who cares. In fact it surprised me so much I stupidly asked, "What?".

"You heard me, I want to fuck your brains out." She said again.

Well after that line she has me interested to say the least. Enough that I can maybe lower my standards for a night. We start flirting, and hit the dance floor, and it is quickly evident she's kinda loaded. I ask about herself and she tells me she's from a small town out west and she's here to get invitro fertilization. Turns out that a couple in her town is paying for to fly in and get inseminated at a sperm bank, and then have the baby for them. She'll be their surrogate mother.

Well I must have been drunk by then because this didn't faze me. In fact, in the next hour the four of us (my buddy picked up the Swedish blonde who was looking heavier and heavier by the minute) headed to her hotel.

At the hotel my buddy and I subtlely try to convince them of a foursome, but that was out of the question. Who knew the chick had morals?

My buddy leaves with the blonde, leaving us alone. Some chit-chat leads to me finding out she's 23, has 3 kids, and is divorced. I'm starting to think that this isn't such a good thing as the booze is wearing off. Then she shows me the brand new laptop that her couple paid for. She goes to her web page and shows me her girlfriend. Turns out after her divorce she switched teams, but misses real cock, her words not mine. Her girlfriend on the web page is drop dead gorgeous and she tells me she would have liked a threesome if she was here. That's just swell.

She starts to get hot and heavy and I'm thinking of a way out. I ask if she should be doing this the night before she gets inseminated. She didn't care, and jumps me.

Well all I can say is the fact that she had three kids was evident. Sorry, but for me who's 21, stretch marks, saggy boobs, and those big brown nipples are just not what I have experienced before. The fuck was to quote a phrase, like a hot dog down a hallway. In fact I thought I would get it over quickly and get out, but the visuals were making it hard to do that.

What seemed like hours latter, she finally got her big O. I faked mine and quickly made for the bathroom to discard the empty condom. After I got dressed she tells me she understands that it couldn't work out between us, long distance relationship and all, but she wants me to call her the next day. Ya, right baby. To break up the uncomfortable moment my cell phone rings and it's my buddy waiting in the lobby.

The last thing she said to me was, "I told you I was going to fuck your brains out."

I told her, "Good luck on the invetro thing."

I get out and to the lobby, and my buddy describes his time with the Swede as blubberesk. We decide that it was better to do the walk of shame home, and have a good laugh the whole way.
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Old 07-23-2003, 08:08 PM   #2 (permalink)
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my one night stands turn in to relationships

Funny story there....that was all types of nasty.
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Old 07-23-2003, 09:06 PM   #3 (permalink)
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I wish I had a good story to contribute, but my one night stands have all been pretty tame.

Great story, tho... laughed out loud a couple of times
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Old 07-23-2003, 09:25 PM   #4 (permalink)
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Hmmm. *looking around** am I supposed to compete?
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Old 07-23-2003, 10:02 PM   #5 (permalink)
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Wow, the stories I should never have told. Edited.
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Last edited by Slims; 12-20-2010 at 06:41 PM..
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Old 07-24-2003, 01:37 PM   #6 (permalink)
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I can't compete with either of those stories, but i slept with a woman once who ground her teeth so hard in her sleep that it woke me up. Nothing scarier than an unknown woman speaking in tounges and gnashing her teeth like she's crunching life-savers.

I got out of there with a quickness. The next day she called and said "I know why you left - that's why everyone leaves". I felt like crap.
 
Old 07-24-2003, 02:02 PM   #7 (permalink)
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Re: Worst One Night Stand? (Long)

Quote:
Originally posted by Mill
and the Swedes friend is , uhh, well, butterface, and a little summer teeth thrown there too.
What's "butterface" and "summer teeth"?

Last edited by denim; 07-24-2003 at 02:05 PM..
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Old 07-24-2003, 02:20 PM   #8 (permalink)
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butterface: She's hot, but her face.

Summer Teeth: Some are here, some are there.

I was going to put: Good from far, far from good.

Last edited by Mill; 07-24-2003 at 02:24 PM..
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Old 07-24-2003, 02:21 PM   #9 (permalink)
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yeek!
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Old 07-24-2003, 02:29 PM   #10 (permalink)
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Ha, I've never heard the "summer teeth" thing before.

I've been dating the same girl for the past ten years (now engaged, finally), so I've avoided the whole dating-single scene for the most part. But one of my friends in college had the weirdest hook-up, and with one of her TAs.

Apparently, they were in his apartment, and things progressed, and they ended up in his bedroom. So she's lying there nekid on his bed, and he (still dressed) turns away from her, drops his pants and underwear, folds them, puts them on the dresser, then comes over to the bed naked from the waist down but still wearing his t-shirt. And a backwards baseball hat. Then, he starts singing "Hotel California."

We thought it was so damn bizarre, that we convinced her to sleep with him again. Apparently, that was the guy's "move," to sing Eagles' songs while having sex. With his hat on.

Anyway, I guess it wasn't truly a one-night stand, but it started out as one. It was just in the interest of science that she went back another time.
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Old 07-24-2003, 04:19 PM   #11 (permalink)
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Quote:
Originally posted by doctorphibes
Then, he starts singing "Hotel California."

We thought it was so damn bizarre, that we convinced her to sleep with him again. Apparently, that was the guy's "move," to sing Eagles' songs while having sex. With his hat on.

.... what the fuck!?!?!??!

Haven't had many myself, but my worst was the night when I 'Took one for the team'.

I was working at a restaurant/bar, and as was customary, after I finished work, I went over to the bar to drink with a regular who worked across the street while waiting for the bartender to finish up, so we could go to another nearby bar, which was open later than us. The restaurant was empty, except for one table with three giggly, drunk, girls. We all wanted to leave, so I convinced them to come to the other bar with us.

At the other bar, it became apparent that there was something going on between the cutest of the three girls and the regular customer, he's a good guy, but far too shy around women. The bartender and I were both determined to make this happen for him.

A few drinks later...

I had been chatting up one of the other girls, average looking, a little big, but still okay. I wasn't too interested in scoring that night, but she was nice enough that I was enjoying talking with her, plus I was getting pretty drunk and having a good time.

I excused myself to go to the bathroom, and she followed me in, sneaking up on me while I was doing my thing, and grabbed my junk. Despite my better judgement, I went home with her. After some fooling around, she asked if I had a condom on me, I told her I didn't, she said we could still do it if I pulled out, I told her I'd rather not, and after some awkwardness, I went home.
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Old 07-24-2003, 07:49 PM   #12 (permalink)
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Quote:
I excused myself to go to the bathroom, and she followed me in, sneaking up on me while I was doing my thing, and grabbed my junk.
Erm, she grabbed it while draining? wouldn't her hand get wet??? o.O
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Old 07-24-2003, 07:55 PM   #13 (permalink)
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Quote:
Originally posted by otter
Erm, she grabbed it while draining? wouldn't her hand get wet??? o.O

....yup.
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Old 07-24-2003, 08:03 PM   #14 (permalink)
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Quote:
Originally posted by rockzilla
....yup.
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Old 07-24-2003, 09:00 PM   #15 (permalink)
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I just wanted to ask, wtf does
Quote:
my buddy describes his time with the Swede as blubberesk
mean?
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Old 07-24-2003, 09:03 PM   #16 (permalink)
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She was fat.
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Old 07-24-2003, 11:33 PM   #17 (permalink)
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i had a my only one night stand in high school with this girl whose dad was a cop, and we eended up doing it in her livingroom. boy was i scared he was gonna come down and blow my brains out. we actually fell asleep semi naked on the couch and woke up at like 5am, i had to go out the living room window.

btw, i think 1 night stands are trashy, anyone else agree with me?
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Old 07-25-2003, 01:01 AM   #18 (permalink)
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1 night stands are quite trashy, and also very awkward, especially afterwards! you have nothing to say, but thanks and that is really corny. Leaving unannouced is rude...
i am not sure if there is a general etiquette or anything for this, the main aiom is to get out afterwards, ASAP.
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Old 07-25-2003, 05:25 PM   #19 (permalink)
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I was at a party in college, hanging out with a group of friends. One of my other friends had recently failed out, and his former girlfriend was still part of our group. We were loaded out of our minds. I still remember slam dancing to the song "Cult of Personality". Next thing I know we are upstairs in someone else's bed, gettin it on. She's giving a superb BJ, but next thing I know she bolts from the bed and goes to the toilet and barfs her guts out. I lost wood immediately. The intense blue balls pain didn't really set in for another 15 minutes or so.......
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Old 07-25-2003, 05:44 PM   #20 (permalink)
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I've had more than my share,
and some were strange.

hmm, I can't decide which...

* The Domino's delivers story
* The Hot tub-Bench Press & Dress suit story
* The Mask came off on her Face story
* The Baby crying - Stripper story
* The Quiet Man story
* The Sister/Teacher story
* The Blue Balls story
* The Limp Bisket story

Too many Twightlight Zone stories to tell.
Let's just keep them up in my noggin'
That way they'll only damage me.

Last edited by rogue49; 07-25-2003 at 05:47 PM..
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Old 07-25-2003, 05:54 PM   #21 (permalink)
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Quote:
Originally posted by rogue49
I've had more than my share,
and some were strange.

hmm, I can't decide which...

* The Domino's delivers story
* The Hot tub-Bench Press & Dress suit story
* The Mask came off on her Face story
* The Baby crying - Stripper story
* The Quiet Man story
* The Sister/Teacher story
* The Blue Balls story
* The Limp Bisket story

Too many Twightlight Zone stories to tell.
Let's just keep them up in my noggin'
That way they'll only damage me.
My vote goes to the Domino's story.
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Old 07-25-2011, 10:03 AM   #22 (permalink)
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Old 07-25-2011, 10:27 AM   #23 (permalink)
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Wait, you necroposted a 8 year old thread just to post ?
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Old 07-25-2011, 02:38 PM   #24 (permalink)
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While this thread is incredibly old...

I think my least favorite one-night stand (there's actually a couple of bad ones, but this one is the best story-fodder) happened a couple of years ago.

I was at my favorite club, dancing, feeling frisky. I normally don't believe in picking up guys at the clubs I frequent because I don't sleep in my social circles as a rule.

But I hadn't seen him before so I thought he was an out-of-towner, thought it was safe. He was smart enough and decent enough looking for a one-nighter, well-dressed, socially competent, seemed dominant. I decided to go for it.

Foreplay was good, but the minute we actually hit the bed, well... fail. It probably didn't help that he tried to sneak a toke right before sex. He said he just likes sex while high-- but I'm a no-substance girl. He didn't even ask if it was okay with me.

So I let him do his thing, trying not to show how bored I was. Succeeded.

Then it gets weird. He takes the condom, ties it off, and puts it on the top of a bookcase by some odd sculptures. I stand up. I see the statue, a bell, a knife, a candle. Standing there going, "Crap, I pulled a faerie-kid. I thought my screening process was better than this."

And then, when I made the mistake of asking why he was keeping the condom, he says he always saves his emissions so he can consume them later to keep his energy with him.

So I leave, thinking I'll never see him again. He tries to hit me up a few times for more sex, but I tell him no, I'm busy, etc. And it turns out he is a regular at the club-- I'm just always too busy dancing to actually pay attention to those who don't.

Months later, I bump into him at the same club... which had become normal. However, this time was slightly different. This time, after the club, I curled up at a nearby diner to read and refuel. I checked my phone and had a voicemail. It was from him. Inside the club. He left a message telling me that he was watching me dance and he really, really wanted to meet up after the club and I should give him a call.

I didn't.

It took about two years of "no, thank you"s before he realized I wasn't going to sleep with him again. He's a nice guy, I enjoy chatting with him... I just don't want to watch some guy drink his sperm after we have boring sex.
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Old 07-25-2011, 02:42 PM   #25 (permalink)
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You know, I do say I've never had a one-night stand.

(Shocking, I know.)
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Old 07-26-2011, 01:07 AM   #26 (permalink)
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Poetry View Post
While this thread is incredibly old...

I think my least favorite one-night stand (there's actually a couple of bad ones, but this one is the best story-fodder) happened a couple of years ago.

I was at my favorite club, dancing, feeling frisky. I normally don't believe in picking up guys at the clubs I frequent because I don't sleep in my social circles as a rule.

But I hadn't seen him before so I thought he was an out-of-towner, thought it was safe. He was smart enough and decent enough looking for a one-nighter, well-dressed, socially competent, seemed dominant. I decided to go for it.

Foreplay was good, but the minute we actually hit the bed, well... fail. It probably didn't help that he tried to sneak a toke right before sex. He said he just likes sex while high-- but I'm a no-substance girl. He didn't even ask if it was okay with me.

So I let him do his thing, trying not to show how bored I was. Succeeded.

Then it gets weird. He takes the condom, ties it off, and puts it on the top of a bookcase by some odd sculptures. I stand up. I see the statue, a bell, a knife, a candle. Standing there going, "Crap, I pulled a faerie-kid. I thought my screening process was better than this."

And then, when I made the mistake of asking why he was keeping the condom, he says he always saves his emissions so he can consume them later to keep his energy with him.

So I leave, thinking I'll never see him again. He tries to hit me up a few times for more sex, but I tell him no, I'm busy, etc. And it turns out he is a regular at the club-- I'm just always too busy dancing to actually pay attention to those who don't.

Months later, I bump into him at the same club... which had become normal. However, this time was slightly different. This time, after the club, I curled up at a nearby diner to read and refuel. I checked my phone and had a voicemail. It was from him. Inside the club. He left a message telling me that he was watching me dance and he really, really wanted to meet up after the club and I should give him a call.

I didn't.

It took about two years of "no, thank you"s before he realized I wasn't going to sleep with him again. He's a nice guy, I enjoy chatting with him... I just don't want to watch some guy drink his sperm after we have boring sex.
I kinda gagged a little bit when I read the sperm drinking part. Not the sperm itself, but condom taste + sperm taste. I never tasted a condom directly, I only licked the part of the girl that brushed against the condom that I wore (not on purpose) and even then it was gross. I can't imagine how someone can stomach the taste of condom and sperm combined.
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Old 07-27-2011, 01:40 PM   #27 (permalink)
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Funny story. I hope you americans out there don't take offense to this. Went to Florida for some flying training a couple of years ago. A black friend of mine and I went to a british bar, (fox and hounds, haha how original). Ended up getting chatting to a local girl, worked at the local lexus dealership. We get smashed and leave the bar at about 2am. She's absolutely drunk beyond repair but she drives us home in her Lexus LS600h (look it up. She was 34 and we were both 19 at the time. Must've looked so odd!) Don't get stopped by the police, happy days. We get to hers (Is that a common thing in america, some girl taking TWO guys home? Who are young enough to be her sons?! Brilliant at the time but looking back, that was bad).

She whips out a bong and some grass and starts taking hits, my friend takes a few but thats not my thing. Anyway, she says to us 'your both sleeping on the sofa tonight!' Fuck, busted lol. Anyway, I was so drunk I just wanted to sleep, I didn't really care about her lol. Passed out on her sofa, 15 mins later I feel a hand on my cheek...'Come to bed with me honey...' I duly obeyed. I look at my friend who is awake on the couch next to me, I ask 'can he come' and he looks at her with such a pleading face lol, it must've put her off! Anyway, so I leave my buddy behind and proceed to absolutely bang the living daylights out of this american girl. Pretty good sex, I was so proud of myself at being able to keep it up due to the amount of drink I'd had! It was pretty normal except she told me to see how many fingers I could get up her ass. Pretty nasty for a 19 year old, but again, I obliged like a good boy. Turns out 4 was too much. :S

Fell asleep, woke up, fucked her. Rinsed and repeated 3 times. Had to fly at 8am the next day, she ended up dropping me back off at flight school the next morning, in front of all my friends. Being dropped off by some random girl in a huge lexus saloon, they must've thought WTF!

It was the worst because it was so sleazy. She took two guys home at once, drove smashed drunk, hit the weed AND didn't ask to see me again or ring her.

Fair enough. I felt dirty afterwards though!

'Oh my gaaaaahd, your english accent is sooooo hot, you turn me ahhhhn so much baby' lol, Americans.




I also had a one night thing with some girl i met in a club. She literally walked up to me like the OP's and said 'do you want to fuck me tonight?'.....hmph. So we went home together. her bedroom had a baby in it. Didn't really know what to think of that, I thought she must've been babysitting or there was someone else in the house because she wouldn't possibly have gone out leaving the kid at home....

She took the kid to sleep in the other room. We got nekkid, found out she had fake tits. They were literally perfectly spherical. Weird. She told me to spit on her, she made me come in her face. She had a clit piercing too which I thought was really hot. Fell asleep. Woke up, magically the kid is in a cot at the end of the bed. At this point I was thinking....shit...what have I got myself into here.....Anyway, and I'm ashamed of this, we just did it again when we woke up, with the kind in the room, watching. *ashamed* I was so drunk and knew I wasn't going to ever see her again so I thought what the hell. She was telling me to hit her, slap her tits, spit on her. She told me to treat her like a dirty slut who I hated. Funny what gets some people off.

That kid though....jesus....I will take that to my grave!

Some girl wet herself on top of my dick also, a few years ago, another one nighter. I was really cool about it but she couldn't handle the embarassment so she took herself home. Ha. It was a good thing though because she was doing this weird thing with her hips, almost as if she was trying to cut my dick off inside her. It was hurting and I hated every second of it lol.

One more. Swedish girl at university. Absolutely drop dead gorgeous just wanted to have some fun....she was the girl I was probably the most sexually compatible with, physically at any rate. We did it for hours, and hours, and hours. The 'worst' part of that one night stand was having to leave............
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Old 07-31-2011, 10:41 AM   #28 (permalink)
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Wait, you necroposted a 8 year old thread just to post ?
rooooflllllles
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