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Old 09-01-2003, 04:51 PM   #1 (permalink)
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Parents don't like my girlfriend: how to deal?

My parents don't like my girlfriend. They think she's isn't good enough for me. I'm Chinese btw. I love her very much. She's a very nice girl. Very smart, polite, she has all the good attributes a parent wants for their son's girlfriend. It hurts her that my parents don't make an effort to accept her. This is one reason that she may break up with me. What can I do get my parents to like her and convince her that she is welcomed by my parents?
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Old 09-01-2003, 05:04 PM   #2 (permalink)
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I don't have a lot of experience in this aspect of relationships, but I'd assume your best bet is to talk with your parents... Ask them what they think of you g/f and try to explain to them how you feel about her not being accepted.

At the same time you could try to get your girlfriend to "ignore" your parents a little more. Just be a buffer for them sort of. From my experience it evolves with time.

One tip: when speaking to them about this, talk about yourself. Do not say "well my girlfriend thinks you don't accept her". But more like: "I've got the feeling you're not too happy with my choice for a partner (and I don't like that)".
Keep it about you, make your parents accept her a little more to make you happy because they probably won't do it for her. (And the same goes for your girlfriend, ask her patience to make you happy not your parents.)

That's just my $0.02
Anybody else got tips?
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Old 09-01-2003, 05:08 PM   #3 (permalink)
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first, i don't think thats a good enough reason for her to break up with you, but again, thats just my opinion.

you can try to have the two of you spend time with your parents so that they get to know her better and get them to realize that shes the great girl you say she is. but then again, that can make for some awkward times.

in the same situation, i really could less if my parents didnt like my girl. sure, it would be nice if they got along, and even better if they were friends. but i know my girl for who she is, the girl that i love. but the fact is, my parents have absolutely no say in who i can date, who my heart loves, and who i marry.
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Old 09-01-2003, 05:37 PM   #4 (permalink)
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im with LaughinMon my parents are entitled to their own opinion...but their opinion isnt gonna effect how we feel about each other and how long our relationship lasts
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Old 09-01-2003, 05:42 PM   #5 (permalink)
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I don't think you can do anything to convince her that your parents welcome her if, in fact, they don't. You can tell her that it doesn't matter to you what they think of her, that they'll come around when they see how wonderful she is, etc. etc. But if they don't change their tune, this is something that you're both going to have to live with. And if she can't live with it, I'm afraid there's not much you can do.

That said, you can talk to your parents about changing their behavior. You can't make them like your girlfriend, although you can explain why you like her so much. What are they doing that your girlfriend perceives as "not welcoming"? Are they being rude to her? Saying things in front of her? You can tell your parents that that must stop or you just won't spend any time around them. (Depending on how old you are, that may or may not work - if you're an adult living on your own, you can do whatever you want, but it'd be hard to avoid them if you're still living with them). Hopefully they'll see how much it means to you and at least make an effort to be civil.

Good luck!
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Old 09-01-2003, 06:05 PM   #6 (permalink)
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Your parents will always hate any girl you are with. They'll get used to it. Live your life.
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Old 09-01-2003, 06:20 PM   #7 (permalink)
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i used to be a semi-hated girlfriend. i mean, i alwasy got that impression. but the thing is i just kinda ignored them for a long time (a year or so) and my bf and i would hang out atmy house and not his. and then as time passed they became a lot nicer to me. i think it was just that when they saw me being a big part of their son's life they were scared i would hurt him or something. i had to realise that it wasn't me they hated, it was letting go of their son. and they had to realise that i loved him and i wasn't going away. now i still don't really like his parents all the time, but they have their moments, and we're getting there. i mean if you guys are mean to be together you'll get through it. i know that that's cold comfort now though. just try to reassure her that no matter what your parents think you really love and care for her and that is what's important. avoid your parents when you're haning out with her if possible. i think talking to your parents might help things too. good luck and keep us posted. i just thought you might like to know it's possible to pull through it.
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Old 09-01-2003, 06:26 PM   #8 (permalink)
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I've always had the theory that the parents never liked any bf or gf of their children. As has been already stated, they are afraid of losing you, or you being hurt.

My parents really like my gf, maybe even more than me! so I don't really know what you can do besides try to ease the friction and hope something grows there. Or it might be easier to just keep your family and romantic lives seperate...
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Old 09-01-2003, 06:48 PM   #9 (permalink)
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Thanks everyone for your insight. Her parents love me. I guess it's only a matter of time.
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Old 09-01-2003, 07:27 PM   #10 (permalink)
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Hopefully your parents will realize that your happiness is the most important thing, and that if she makes you happy, she must be OK. That is what happened with my current GF.

Of course my only other serious GF, my parents hated her, and she ended up being an awful girlfriend, cheating on me and breaking up with me and all, so in that case my parents were right
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Old 09-01-2003, 08:06 PM   #11 (permalink)
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I think the above advice is great. Remember, your parents are acting out of fear -- they want the BEST for you and are afraid she is not. They are also afraid of loosing their "little boy."

Speaking from experience, there are ways to help your girlfriend feel better. You may want to start by talking with her. REally hear her feelings! Don't defend your parents actions but let her know that although your parents are important to you that you make your own decisions. If/When your parents put her down, stick up for her in a very polite manner. If your parents don't want her around, fine, leave with her. Show her through your actions that you will be by her side no matter what happens. A man "defending" his "woman" can be a real turn on!
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Last edited by sexymama; 09-01-2003 at 08:08 PM..
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Old 09-01-2003, 10:23 PM   #12 (permalink)
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Okay, probably a stupid question, but I'm going to ask it anyway:

You said you are Chinese. Is this Chinese like still living in China? Or are you in the U.S.? Perhaps somewhere else?

The reason why I ask this is simple: depending on your locale, the cultural mores which define your society will be different. For that reason, allow my answer to be multi-faceted; I'll break it down into three areas.

Living in China: Dude, you're shit outta' luck. From what I know of the mores in that particular society, respecting the wishes of ones' elders and family is of very high priority. From that perspective, I'd say that you really need to see if you can talk your parents into accepting your girlfriend....and if not, then I'm sorry - I can't help.

U.S.A: Okay, you've got some latitude here. While various ethnic backgrounds (Asian in particular) still place a heavy emphasis on the "old" ways, the society here in the U.S. is so pervasive (and in some ways overpowering) that you have the option to ignore your parents completely and get on with your life....without the social stigma which would accompany such actions in the "Old Country". Talk to your parents, and if you cannot reach an understanding with them, go with your happiness. They will either come around in time or they won't, but ultimately your life cannot revolve around them.

Elsewhere: You've got to respect the cultural norms which form the basis for society where you live. Still talk with your family, let them know how much their behavior toward your girlfriend hurts you, and try to resolve this.

You're the only one who can make the decision to end it with her - your parents cannot do it no matter how hard they may wish to. It may mean taking a stronger stance with them, something I had to do with my own family a couple of times when we didn't see eye-to-eye over my relationships, but that's part of growing up and becoming your own person.

It comes down to this: if you love her, be strong, take a stand and most importantly show your girlfriend how much you care by being in her corner (visibly) when she's around your family. If you cannot do that last one, then don't spend a lot of time with your family. Sexymama has some really good points in her reply to you (in addition to a promising screen-name).
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Old 09-01-2003, 10:47 PM   #13 (permalink)
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JP, I'm going through the same thing right now. Except I'm not chinese. Best of luck to ya, bro. We're all in this together.
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Old 09-01-2003, 11:02 PM   #14 (permalink)
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Is the reason they don't like her or approve of her because she's not Chinese herself? (I know you didn't say this, but I'm just speculating as to why you mentioned your Chinese and that's another possibility that I thought of)

I think you've gotten good advice in this thread already. I'd talk to your parents about it. Next time you're having a family dinner, just respectfully bring it up and explain to them why you appreciate your girlfriend and why you'd like them to accept her. And I also agree, talk in terms of yourself.
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Old 09-02-2003, 04:04 AM   #15 (permalink)
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Quote:
Originally posted by SecretMethod70
Is the reason they don't like her or approve of her because she's not Chinese herself? (I know you didn't say this, but I'm just speculating as to why you mentioned your Chinese and that's another possibility that I thought of)

Yeah she's filipino. I've been living in the US since I was 1. I'm 24 now. My parents are still old school thinking. They haven't quite assimilated into US culture yet after all this time.
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Old 09-02-2003, 10:04 AM   #16 (permalink)
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lot's o good advise.

I would not let my parents interfere with my life in the way they seem to want to. Don't go to your house, don't set it up so that you need their approval - just ignore them. If they say "gee, why are you ignoring us" then just say "it is because you are interfereing with my life and my happiness. When you can stop doing that and be nice to my friends then I won't be forced to ignore you any more. It is your choice and I don't like it, so will you be nice".
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Old 09-02-2003, 10:31 AM   #17 (permalink)
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Quote:
Originally posted by Jesus Pimp
Yeah she's filipino. I've been living in the US since I was 1. I'm 24 now. My parents are still old school thinking. They haven't quite assimilated into US culture yet after all this time.
Herein lies the problem.....old school thinking! My current roommate is in the same boat as far as her parents are concerned. She works at HP, has her own place, makes good money, is super HOT, but no matter what she does, her parents never approve. Whether it is a lifestyle change, like going back to school to get her M.A. in Psychology, or a boyfriend, she likes white dudes....it is never good enough for them. They are not happy because she is not a lawyer or doctor, and she has feelings for men outside of the Asian culture. She does what she wants to however, so that might be good advice for you as well. Forget what your parents think. If you love your girl, then do it for yourself. Parents will love you the same, and they will eventually get over themselves someday.
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Old 09-02-2003, 11:31 AM   #18 (permalink)
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Jesus Pimp, I feel for you, man. I'm Chinese, too, but luckily my parents have grown soft in their old age and are just happy to see their children married off.

My brother was 35 before he finally got married to a Japanese woman. Now my father has a real problem with the Japanese, due to having to live through the horrors of WWII, so you can understand he was pretty against it at first. Lucky for him my Mom is more open to these things and she steadily worked on him until he finally came to accept it. I could also tell you about my sister who married a Jewish South African, but it'd be pretty much the same story

I'm afraid I don't have much concrete advice for you here. Try going to the parent you feel is more comfortable with you dating non-Chinese girls and talk to them. If you can convince him/her that this relationship is really important to you then maybe they'll help the other parent to come around.

It's important to realize that as a son in a Chinese family you hold a special place and with that place come certain expectations and responsibilities. If you better understand what those expectations are, you can better communicate with your parents and hopefully resolve this problem.
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Old 09-03-2003, 12:19 AM   #19 (permalink)
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Old values, old ways. They're being overly protective and clinging to the old customs. They will NEVER be happy until you have a nice little chinese girl willing to dote on you 24/7, like they expect a girl should from their own upbringing. If you love this girl, and want a future with her, tell her straight-out, not by skipping around the subject, that if you have to choose, you most definitely choose her. If she breaks up with you over something small like this, she wasn't worth having anyway.

(and don't flame me because i'm calling it a small thing- it IS a small thing, because it's from the parents' background, not just that they don't like her regardless.)
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Old 09-03-2003, 11:58 AM   #20 (permalink)
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How about:

"Mom, Dad, time to shut the fuck up. I'm not yours. Either accept her or expect not to see me, ever."

Bob
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Old 04-23-2011, 08:45 PM   #21 (permalink)
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Hi. Im new but just had a craziest talk with my parents

So I know this is an old forum, and actually I would never see myself posting on a forum like this until something happened to me just 1 hour ago and I wanted to feel like I needed to talk or be reassured by someone other than my friends who have never experienced something like me. So I am Taiwanese and I am born and raised in America. My parents are super old school and have very strict culture. They are overprotected and have paid for me for all my schooling. I am post doc btw and graduating in few months. They told me to break up with my girlfriend 1 year ago because they didn't accept her. I believe mainly because she is on 250k of loans (she is also a doctor but she is working now to pay off her loans), but also because she is not in their view subservient and Taiwanese, she is Hongkong American. Anyways I had to tell them that she was living with me and decided that I should now because that they will find out when they come to my graduation and that would probably be a worse situation. Anyways I don't know if anyone knows how bad asian parents are but they yell and repeat themselves and make you feel like shit, plus they never say they are sorry or I love you. They feel if you are their son that you must follow everything they say or you are banished from their family. Well I knew they were gonna be pissed and probably not give me anymore of their money, plus they will say I lied for a year and that my girl is controlling me and I am no longer part of the family. So my best friend who happens to be gay (I am not) but he is asian and said that though he told them he was gay they said all that shit and after few years they mellow out and talk to you but still repeat themselves and try to say you made the wrong choice or decision. So he reassured me that no matter what you have to make your own choices because most likely they will not approve unless you ask them to approve of that decision first. Well I told them and they said exactly what I expected them to say plus extra mean things like I am stupid and I am not their son (funny thing is that they always say to their friends that I am their prized son who went post doc). So I am finding a job now and getting a new apartment and my girfriend will support us for a few months. I think in the end everything will be ok and later on they will love you still and want to see your grandchildren. But you are your own person and if you really want to do something you really should. I went into postdoc because of my parents btw, I wanted to be an artist (they said no to that). I feel a great load off my shoulder and super independent. Plus my girlfriend who I plans to marry loves me extra now. This is the right choice and you need to do it sooner or later. I agree this culture gap is a problem in our society especially with asians, but we have to stick together because you cannot let them dictate your life. When you are 80 you want to say I chose my life and not anyone else and I do not regret the choices I made. Thanks and peace.
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Old 04-27-2011, 01:05 AM   #22 (permalink)
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Your parents raised you and provided for you. They don't own you. You are an adult, you can make your own decisions. Cut your ties if you have to. If you have to pay them back for tuition as a result, pay them back. Be civil, be polite, but assert yourself as an adult. They might be pissed off for a while, but culture/tradition aside, you are an adult and you don't deserve to be verbally abused. Be the outcast for a while, it's kind of a relief, actually. Being the Golden Child has some advantages, but for the most part, it really sucks.
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