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Old 09-20-2003, 04:42 PM   #1 (permalink)
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Location: louisiana
possible threesome

I hope someone can help me out here or either relate to my situation. Me and my wife have been married now for a year and we have sex usually 3 to 4 time weekly and seem to have a pretty good sex life.

About a month ago we had a threesome with my best friend who was a male. It was Ok with me and she seemed to enjoy it, but the thing is now she is wanting to have a threesome with another friend of mines wife and wants me to be involved and she even talks about having foursome involving the woman and her husband. Lately she goes by their house alot when im working but i hope i can trust that she isnt banging them while im working (i work irregular hours in law enforcement). I mean my friends wife is hot and all and it would be OK if just her and the woman were playing around but i dont know if hes involved too. I like the whole threesome point of view but I dont want my wife to be off having sex with ither people without me knowing or being involved. How do i need to approach her to see if this has been going on?
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Old 09-20-2003, 06:48 PM   #2 (permalink)
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Location: Nova Scotia
Thats a hard one, if you don't wanna ask out right you might wanna fallow through with the whole thing if everything goes like shes done it before then I would be a little worried. but then again you've been married for a year so it may just be the right way to ask. not in the wrong tone but bring it up gently. other than that I don't know. good luck!
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Old 09-20-2003, 08:52 PM   #3 (permalink)
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Tough situation. I feel the same, I wouldn't want my wife just running around while I'm at work. I would want to be involved.
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Old 09-20-2003, 08:57 PM   #4 (permalink)
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Location: Berkeley
It doesn't sound good to me that she's over there a lot when you're gone, but I got burned pretty badly by a cheater and tend to be a little paranoid about fidelity these days.

I think you need to be clear with her about your boundaries are, and get her to tell you straight up about hers. It sounds like a door has been opened for her and she's taking things a little too fast--not taking the potential problems seriously and not giving enough attention to your perspective. Remember that actions speak louder than words, and sometimes people's opinions about sex and relationships can really surprise you, even when you think you know that person.
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Old 09-20-2003, 10:11 PM   #5 (permalink)
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I think that you should just bring it up to her in a way that you think wouldn't upset her (I know that's probably easier said than done.) to find out what she has really been doing over there. Tell her that your open to the threesomes or foursomes, but your not ok with her going off with others and having the threesomes with them and leaving you out. I always fantisize about a threesome with my husband (however I could NEVER do it with anyone I know) but I would be pissed if he were out doing it with another couple and not only didn't tell me, but didn't include me either. Basically he would be cheating on me.
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Old 09-21-2003, 12:32 AM   #6 (permalink)
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Location: Silicon Valley, CA
The fastest way to get into an argument with an SO: accusation.
Just let her know how you feel. Tell her that you're okay with a threesome or possibly a foursome, but you have to be involved and in the know. Set boundaries. Personally, because you hadn't set any boundaries I'd say it would be unfair to get upset with her if she admits to have already done something with them. You never set the boundaries, so she doesn't really know what's acceptable and going on in your head. Tell her now before it's too late. If you agree with me about the fairness of the situation, I'd tell her what boundaries you are okay with, then tell her you'd like to know if the now-set boundaries had previously been crossed and you won't get mad if they have (and if you can honestly not get mad). If she has, tell her that boundaries have been set, if she does it again, you have every right to be upset. Assume the best, prepare for the worst.
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Old 09-21-2003, 08:15 AM   #7 (permalink)
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Location: Lebell's arms
Motdaskasha is right on -- it is time to develop a marriage/sexual contract with your wife. Open up discussion. Ask what she wants and expects and share what you want and expect. You've only been married a year and the door has already been open for pologomy. The task now is to define what that means in your marriage.

There are a lot of pologomy web sites out there that give suggestions on how to make the whole thing work in marriage. I know couples who are very secure with each other and date outside the marriage -- and in. They make it work because they have open communication which builds trust. Good luck!
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Old 09-21-2003, 09:25 AM   #8 (permalink)
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Location: Upper Michigan
As mentioned above. This whole area of your sexual life needs to be discussed. You need to talk (without accusing) about where both of your limits are. You both need to communicate about what each of you is doing or this will never work. Hubby (Dei37) and I participate in the swinging lifestyle, i.e. swapping. We have learned that communication and honesty is paramount. If you both decide that it's ok for each of you to go off on your own for sexual encounters then you should still communicate about what you are doing/have done. Otherwise - going off on your own should be out of the question.

Personally, I would say, don't worry about trying to find out if she has played with this couple yet or not. If you lay the ground rules and talk about what you both agree is allowable and what isn't then if it continues you will find out soon enough. I doubt it will continue once you talk about it.

If you are willing to allow her play with another man (who is a friend of yours) and not her friend's husband/so that may sound like a contradiction to her. You need to talk about how this needs to be something you do together and something that needs to build trust between the two of you. You will have many good times if you can work on this together. Most swinger couples that we have communicated with and met do not swing singly. They only meet with one, two or more people as a couple. When doing any swinging/swapping you both need to be in communication before, during, and after for this to work. The moment one of you becomes uncomfortable you must have an agreement that the other one will stop play asap and check in. You must feel free to communicate that you are uncomfortable and you can't just announce it to control things. This type of relationship is built on trust and giving. It may be bumpy to begin with but it will be worth it if you are willing to give it the time necessary. Every lifestyle couple that I have talked to have gone through a period usually within the first year where they have called all swapping off limits for a period of time until they both communicate enough and learn to trust each other enough to get back into it. This time off is necessary.

I hope I haven't rambled too much and that I made sense. I have been amazed at how this type of thing has strengthened our lines of communication and trust in our relationship. This is something we share and enjoy together. Only 4 years ago we were on the road to divorce and here we are today happy and cooperating. Good luck. Feel free to ask us any questions you may have.
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Old 09-22-2003, 06:57 AM   #9 (permalink)
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Location: northern california
From a different tact... While I agree with the ideas of an open discussion about your sex life, not to mention emasculating as she is eagerly wanting others involved in sex, it gets down to you knowing what is going on. I had an attorney friend who once said that he never asks a question that he does not know the answer to. In an open discussion you could get broadsided with what you dont expect. and being a woman I know we do that.

It is important you know what is happening. take some time from work and find out, Or go the P.I. route. Hey I'm not saying that you need to be confrontational, it is just better you know so you can deal with the emotions and set them aside. They can be used against you...
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Old 09-22-2003, 06:06 PM   #10 (permalink)
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Location: Texas
Communication communication communication. Talk about it. Nothing in the world is wrong with an "open" relationship, or any other relationship which you BOTH agree upon. You already have a contractual obligation with you marriage. You have the right to modify that agreement as you see fit so long as you BOTH agree and enter into the modifications voluntarily. If you're not comfortable with something, it's your obligation to COMMUNICATE that to her. Explain why. If you don't know why, figure it out. You've got to do everything with some purpose, and you're far more effective if you are aware of the REAL purpose. A swinging lifestyle can be great if you both remember that your primary contract is with each other. Integrity is following up your values with actions that demonstrate and further those values. Figure out what it is that you value, what it is that you value in her, and keep those as the core of your relationship. Sex with another couple is not necessarily so different that mixed doubles tennis, providing you are both that comfortable with it. You DO have the right to disapprove of a situation, but you cannot expect her, or anyone else to simply "know" what you want. If you partied with another dude once, without discussing the parameters of that, then it's very likely she is unclear of the boundaries. Discuss it, make it clear. Remember that she, too, has the right to object to a situation or individual. and No means no... from you, from her, from anyone else you are forming a bond with.
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Old 09-22-2003, 09:23 PM   #11 (permalink)
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Quote:
Originally posted by vveronica
I had an attorney friend who once said that he never asks a question that he does not know the answer to.
Now, this is not necessarily the healthiest of thoughts for a relationship, but it's certainly one I can get behind. It seems sneaky, but you could be in for a larger shock than you think if you don't know the situation. You still shouldn't be confrontational; you should still go into your discussion with an open mind; you should simply have a better idea of what's going on first, I think.

Hiring a P.I. would ruin whatever trust she thinks you have in her. If you trust the friends, go to them and ask them. Let them know that you want to talk with her about things, but that you don't want to get blindsided by anything. They're married, and should understand.
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Old 09-23-2003, 01:22 PM   #12 (permalink)
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Location: SLC, UT
Quote:
Originally posted by Johnny Rotten
I think you need to be clear with her about your boundaries are, and get her to tell you straight up about hers. It sounds like a door has been opened for her and she's taking things a little too fast--not taking the potential problems seriously and not giving enough attention to your perspective. Remember that actions speak louder than words, and sometimes people's opinions about sex and relationships can really surprise you, even when you think you know that person.
couldnt have said it better myself...keeping the lines of communication open in such a situation is key to the surviaval of the relationship...not talking about it and then learning about things that had happened may make the relationship go south.
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