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Old 09-27-2003, 11:20 PM   #1 (permalink)
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Getting a girl to see you as more then just a friend.

There's already a thread about guys and girls being just friends. And well, personally, i've never had a problem with just being friends with girls. I probably have more close girl friends that I do guy friends.

My problem is, there's this girl that I've been casually friends with, always somewhat interested in her, but never did anything because I was away at college. Now i'm back home, and I want to take it to the next level. The bad part is, through a friend, I found out she couldn't see herself going out with me in that way.

It's hard for me to believe though, because of the way she acts when we are together, and our long phone conversations, and all the other little things that I don't think a person would do if they weren't somewhat interested in the other person...

Is there still a chance that something can be done? I seriously need advice on what i should do next or what I should say.

I know straight out just telling her how i feel isn't going to work... and plus, I wouldn't have found out what I did if she didn't already have an idea that I was interested.

I'm so confused, and I can't see myself just backing off and putting this behind me... not yet.
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Old 09-28-2003, 12:14 AM   #2 (permalink)
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Dude, she said that she can't see you guys dating. That's your answer. If you have any chance left, it can only be realized if you bluntly tell her what you want. You don't know it isn't going to work, you haven't tried it.

But to be honest, it's not going to happen and you should move on. You see, what you're attempting is known as a ladder jump, and can be explained far better than I by the wise man at http://www.intellectualwhores.com/masterladder.html
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Old 09-28-2003, 12:20 AM   #3 (permalink)
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Hell freezing over seems to help.
So now, as the Cubs just won the NL Central, would be a good ime to try.
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Old 09-28-2003, 06:09 AM   #4 (permalink)
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Girls are strange creatures. They think quite differently than us guys do. I have only had it once happen that a friend wanted to change us to a dating relationship, and it turned out I wasn't interested in it due to her spending habits and general lack of organization. Frankly the best way to do this is to date other people and let her see how well you treat, get along, etc. Of course, if you are really into the new relationship so that you aren't faking, you won't be interested in dating your friend either way. Pretty much this won't happen.
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Old 09-28-2003, 08:55 AM   #5 (permalink)
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Location: Far too far from my Angel....
The biggest obstacle to her seeing you as something other than a friend is her. There's nothing you can do about it at this point in time - just let nature take its course. I'd say your odds are about 70/30.....against. Sorry, it's true.

From her standpoint, she's most likely looking at other guys because she's got you as her friend already. She has the benefit of all those long conversations, the close intimacy (yet without the physical intimacy) of your relationship, and all this is already hers.

.....Why would she want to change that?

The only thing I could possibly recommend to you would be this (but be warned, it's not an easy step): Tell her that you really think it would be best to scale back the amount of time you spend on the phone (those hour or more calls), the time spent together and any other specific things she does that get your juices flowing. Tell her the truth: that all this interaction is effecting the way you view the relationship, and since you are starting to look at her as more "girlfriend material" than friend, it might be best to cool things down a bit.

Now here's where things could get tricky.....this could backfire. You always run the risk that she really isn't able to change her mind-set about your relationship, and will distance herself as a result. However, most women form their bonds with others (even friendships) quite strongly, so I doubt that she'll be all that willing to just sever things and move on.

The hardest part for you would be in sticking to your guns. I'm not saying to cut the girl off, but end your phone conversations after 10 minutes or so. Or plan your time together so that there's something to do instead of just "hanging out"....now this is a clever subtrefuge on your part, since planning things and doing them is an awful lot like a date! Oh wait, it IS a date!

That's my advice, take it or leave it. I hope things work out for the two of you.....
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Old 09-28-2003, 09:09 AM   #6 (permalink)
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Old 09-28-2003, 09:44 AM   #7 (permalink)
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exact same thing happening with me too bro. Just gotta move on i finally realized
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Old 09-28-2003, 03:16 PM   #8 (permalink)
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Location: Chapel Hill, NC
Quote:
Originally posted by mystic511
There's already a thread about guys and girls being just friends. And well, personally, i've never had a problem with just being friends with girls. I probably have more close girl friends that I do guy friends.

My problem is, there's this girl that I've been casually friends with, always somewhat interested in her, but never did anything because I was away at college. Now i'm back home, and I want to take it to the next level. The bad part is, through a friend, I found out she couldn't see herself going out with me in that way.

It's hard for me to believe though, because of the way she acts when we are together, and our long phone conversations, and all the other little things that I don't think a person would do if they weren't somewhat interested in the other person...

Is there still a chance that something can be done? I seriously need advice on what i should do next or what I should say.

I know straight out just telling her how i feel isn't going to work... and plus, I wouldn't have found out what I did if she didn't already have an idea that I was interested.

I'm so confused, and I can't see myself just backing off and putting this behind me... not yet.

Holy shit man, that sounds like my life. I feel for your predicament.. the same thing has been happening to me for the past 3 years.

Ahh, the ways girls screw with out minds...
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Old 09-28-2003, 03:35 PM   #9 (permalink)
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I thought I was stuck in *good friends* mode with Litespeed, but it turned out that she had feelings for me as well. That worked out nicely.

However, if your friend doesn't have feelings for you, then you're out of luck, man.
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Old 09-28-2003, 04:03 PM   #10 (permalink)
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Yea man, Hal said it best.

I posted a thread here about Love leading to being In Love, and it turns out that i've -almost- completely pushed the girl who i was stuck on for so long, out of my life. There's just one final bump that ive got to work on, and its closure. I'm not too sure on how i should approach it since its a touchy subject, for the both of us.

But back to the topic at hand. Your best bet is to just move on. Believe me, i was stuck for so long and as a result didn't even look for any other women, cause i had such high hopes that we would work together. It's all just a big trap that you're setting for yourself, and you're only going to be let down. Sounds grim, i know, but take it from someone who's been exactly down the road you are now on.
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Old 09-29-2003, 01:53 PM   #11 (permalink)
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Location: In the land of ice and snow.
These are all good suggestions. It all depends on what she wants to do. Sometimes it can be magical. If she doesn't want to be romantic with you and you still want to be her friend, i recommend stabbing yourself in the chest repeatedly right where your heart is. Then slam your head in a car door. Then alternate doing the two until you've learned your lesson.
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Old 09-29-2003, 02:47 PM   #12 (permalink)
beauty in the breakdown
 
Location: Chapel Hill, NC
Ay, platonic friends suck. Ill be fine when we are both away at school, but as soon as we are both back, I start falling for her again.

*sigh*
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Old 09-30-2003, 02:13 AM   #13 (permalink)
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Give up now. While you still can.
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Old 09-30-2003, 04:42 AM   #14 (permalink)
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I feel like I'm piling on here.

I'd put the odds at less than 5% that this will have a positive outcome. But, don't hold it in (that'll kill ya). Go ahead and ask.

Thanks for listening.
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Old 09-30-2003, 09:40 AM   #15 (permalink)
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Location: Northern VA
I met my girlfriend and hung out with her a few times with a few other people around. And one night in a drunken stupor I mentioned I didn't consider her a friend only cause I didn't want to get stuck in the friend thing with her. She sort of got offended but I told her she has never once called me to hang out herself. So the next night she did....and the rest as they say...is history.
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Old 09-30-2003, 11:09 AM   #16 (permalink)
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wry1 is right, it is most likely her. Sometimes we dont see the great things that are standing in front of us (from one who has been there....) sorry, we just get blinded sometimes.

best of luck, and dont wait up for her. best thing i can say.
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Old 09-30-2003, 05:27 PM   #17 (permalink)
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Thanks for all your negative feedback.

Haha, seriously, it's good to have a reality check.

Here's my plan...

I'm already laying low.. cuz i don't want to be around her so much that i'm just a friend.. waiting for her to make the first move to call or whatever.

When the time is right, i will let her know what's up, and let her know that we probably can't be friends. It wouldn't work out, and I think it's selfish for her to keep me as a friend when I want to be more. As some of you already said, it'll all turn to anger.

If she accepts that, then it's the end of it. If not, then she'll have to be the one to call me. I'm hoping the fear of losing me as a friend will make her want to be more then one.

Yea, it's probably not the best plan in the world.. but it's the only one that I have.

On the bright side, I have already begun to think about other girls. I'm definately not holding back for her, but she's definately on the top of my list. My decision to back lay low was pretty good, as our time apart builds, the less strong my feelings have become.
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