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Old 10-18-2003, 07:10 AM   #1 (permalink)
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Is it better to have loved and lost?

What do you think? I mean, why experience the pain? Is the feeling of love and caring that you have for someone supposed to outweigh the pain of losing them? Are you supposed to, after losing someone, look back and somehow be comforted by how much you cared? Doesn't that just increase the pain? Isn't it harder to know how much you care about someone and know that you've lost them for good than it is to just never know how much you could've/would've cared? It feels to me that the pain is infinitely increased knowing how much I care about someone and knowing that I've lost them. And I don't believe the bullshit about "If you love them, let them go". How does it show someone that you love them if you just let them go-- if you just wave the white flag and surrender, just accepting what is said? But then.... does it show them that you love them more if you just let them leave? Does it show them how much you care? I don't understand. Hence the reason I tend to build a wall around myself when it comes to relationships. The worst pain in the world for me is when I open myself up to someone, willingly, trusting them with my whole being, let them make my barriers disappear, and then lose them. I just don't know......
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Old 10-18-2003, 08:45 AM   #2 (permalink)
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If the person doesn't love you back, doesn't want to be with you, you can't force them (unless you're comfortable with the "stalker" label).
You can let him know you love him by telling him, but beyond that, you must let him go.

You can't make someone love you.
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Old 10-18-2003, 04:19 PM   #3 (permalink)
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Yes. It is better.

You know that's true because they say it.
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Old 10-18-2003, 04:43 PM   #4 (permalink)
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sillygirl: it depends on how you lost.

My first girlfriend (real girlfriend, not middle-school type) and I dated for about a year and a half. We were very happy together, and things seemed great.

She got called back to Hong Kong, which is where she was from, and within a week had committed suicide. This was my first experience with "breaking up".

Needless to say, losing in love is not fun, the severity depending on how badly you lost. I still love her, as I do my current g/f, whom I plan to marry.

My $0.02, take it or leave it.

Last edited by numist; 10-22-2003 at 06:04 AM..
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Old 10-18-2003, 05:32 PM   #5 (permalink)
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I can speak from 19 years of experience that "never to have loved at all" just plain sucks.
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Old 10-18-2003, 05:47 PM   #6 (permalink)
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Definitely better to take the risk, love and loose then never love. Love offers a rare opportunity for growth, insight, and a closeness that you can not experience by avoiding it. Although love brings pain, the pain is worth all you gain from the experience. Life is a risk -- take it!
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Old 10-18-2003, 07:50 PM   #7 (permalink)
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I think I have only been in love with 1 girl...We were together for about 5 or 6 years. When she broke up with me, It felt like she ripped my heart out and stomped on it.

I didn't think the pain from losing her would ever go away, There was so much around me that always reminded me of her...It drove me crazy.

Now that the pain is gone, I often look back and remember all the fun we had...Even the bad stuff.

It is better to have loved & lost rather than never falling in love.

Ever since that break up...I have not been in a serious relationship...Just cause I fear that pain...And i don't wanna take the chance of going through it again...That's just me though, Deep down I am very sensitive to these kinds of things.

Not being harsh...But try to move forward instead of back, When the pain is gone and you look back...You will understand why it is better to have loved & lost rather than never haved loved at all.

Good Luck.

Last edited by IC3; 10-18-2003 at 07:54 PM..
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Old 10-18-2003, 07:54 PM   #8 (permalink)
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One hundred percent it's better to have loved and lost than not to have discovered the joys of truly loving someone. Yup, it hurts if you lose them but that is part of life.
I would rather ride the rollercoaster and experience the intense highs (along with the equally intense lows) than not.
Loving someone teaches you things about yourself as well....the intimacy you develop with someone and the absolute trust that comes hand in hand with being in love is the best feeling in the world.
Anything worth having also has a price. You just have to be ready to pay the price when the time comes.
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Old 10-18-2003, 07:57 PM   #9 (permalink)
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It is better to have loved and lost... although it doesn't always feel like it.

Eventually, you are left with pretty good memories and the pain fades away to a slight twinge. Not to menchion, if you don't take the risk of losing love, you will never find the person you will not lose.
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Old 10-18-2003, 08:17 PM   #10 (permalink)
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We've talked about it, and he and I really still care for each other, we've just been in a relationship that had a complicated beginning, has been complicated the whole way through, and right now is just too much for him to handle. I understand that completely... it's just hard to look in his eyes.

We went out today with a group of friends. This was planned months ago, so we decided that we'd still go. It was semi-awkward. We ended on decent terms, and had decided that we were going to wait about a week before we really let anyone know (waiting to find out some other things first...... ). It was strange to still be relatively "together". It seemed so natural, and yet, I was constantly guessing about whether or not I should do such and such a thing or say such and such a thing. After a while, the awkwardness kinda wore off, and I think we're gonna be ok. Friends, not anything else. It'll work that way, I think. I just know it'll be hard for a while for me to look into his eyes. I think I'll end up needing encouragement/support from time to time, but ours is a friendship worth saving, if nothing else.
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Old 10-18-2003, 08:18 PM   #11 (permalink)
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Quote:
Originally posted by numist
She got called back to Hong Kong, which is where she was from, and within a week had committed suicide. This was my first experience with "breaking up".
Wow. That really sucks!



.......


I'm at a loss for words.

You're all right, right?
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Old 10-18-2003, 08:51 PM   #12 (permalink)
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Ive only had 2 bf's..one Im currently dating and I dont believe I love him. I dont know what love is really...So, I would agree with it is better to have loved. So you know what it feels like..to be certain and truly happy. So if it didnt quite work out with that loved one, you know you can love again, and know if its you love that person or not..and move on/stay.
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Old 10-18-2003, 10:46 PM   #13 (permalink)
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oberon, that was about 3 years ago. This is probably a topic for some other time, I dont want to hijack someone elses thread, but suffice to say after being psychologically incapacitated for a year, I met my current g/f and spend a few years on the mend. Fine now, been with Carrie for a year and a couple of months now. It royally sucked and if it werent for Carrie, I definitely would not be here. My first g/f (to give her a name, Alicia) had every reason to give up life when she went back to Hong Kong. She had some serious emotional issues that she unloaded on me, which made it all the harder to let it all go. Her parents abused her, and she was raped a block from her house. She was so strong to still be alive when I was with her, but when she committed suicide, I lost all hope in life and would go through attacks when I couldn't even move, I could only think of her. Even now sometimes I can't help but think of her, but I'm held back because I remember what I still have to live for, even if she isnt in my life anymore, I still have the memory, as long as I don't let it control me.

So yeah... Im alright.

Again, depends on how you lose. Its very strange being in love with two people. I would rather have never gone through it, because its my nature to hold back emotion, but in the end it has played a huge part in who I am today.

Knowing what love is though, definitely worth all the pain in the world... It really is. I guess I should change my answer, but most of the time I cant decide. Love is forever intermixed with pain now.

Anyway, thats enough...

Last edited by numist; 10-29-2003 at 02:53 PM..
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Old 10-19-2003, 05:19 AM   #14 (permalink)
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Old 10-19-2003, 06:09 AM   #15 (permalink)
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I don't know if that statement is true. I have loved and lost and I am still trying to figure out how it benifited me.

Somehow I am stronger. I guess it will help me make better decisions in the future. All this remains to be seen.
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Old 10-19-2003, 06:27 AM   #16 (permalink)
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Yup

It is
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Old 10-19-2003, 08:32 AM   #17 (permalink)
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You can learn a lot from a relationship.
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Old 10-19-2003, 12:34 PM   #18 (permalink)
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I recently fell in love for the first time...after years of holding back, and trying not to fall in love, - just so that I would never get hurt. But it happened, and I have truly never been happier. If and when it ever ends, I will be devastated, but I know it will be worth it.... because nothing in the world has ever felt this good. I am a better person for loving someone so deep, and being loved in return.
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Old 10-19-2003, 05:13 PM   #19 (permalink)
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But when you love someone, truly love them, how do you get over it? I agree with you, Nikki, I don't see the benefit of all the pain.....
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Old 10-19-2003, 05:24 PM   #20 (permalink)
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Quote:
Originally posted by ninety09
You can learn a lot from a relationship.
Amen to that.
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Old 10-19-2003, 05:39 PM   #21 (permalink)
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I think the pain of loosing someone makes the joy of having some one that much sweeter. I only had 3 boyfriends prior to finding hubby. One was abusive, one was puppy love, and the other where I was actually engaged for a while was obvious that it would not work. We couldn't even settle on a date let alone any other plans about where, how to marry or where to settle either. Logic tends to rule me more than emotion sometimes I think.
In my relationship with hubby I came very very close to loosing him by death - to just barely taste that kind of loss makes having him still sweeter and I am just simply thankful for every day when we are together.

The pain of loss only makes the joy of gaining another sweeter.
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Old 10-19-2003, 06:22 PM   #22 (permalink)
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experience, experience, experience.

for the most part (there are always exceptions), it's better to have loved and lost than not to have experienced love at all.

then again, how many of us are <b>really</b> worried about not experiencing love? that's why nobody should be forcing a relationship or love, because it just doesn't work that way. there will be somebody else.

good luck and be sure to keep all of us informed.
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Old 10-19-2003, 10:20 PM   #23 (permalink)
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Personally, I'd rather not have experienced it at all, because this whole getting over it thing fucking sucks. Almost 6 months and I still feel like shit. Wouldn't even be an issue if I wasn't so madly in love. :-\
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Old 10-19-2003, 11:48 PM   #24 (permalink)
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This is a question that has caused many a sleepless nights.I feel sorry for those who has not felt love, "true love"is a wonderful thing it can raise you to heights of pure joy that only few has ever reached.On the other hand love lost can cut you so deep that your soul has a wound that last forever.It's like a double-edged sword both sides make you bleed.The question is can you take the pain?
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Old 10-20-2003, 12:10 AM   #25 (permalink)
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To say that it is better to have loved and lost than not to have loved at all is almost going as far as to assume you will with absolute certainty lose love. In a thought process as negative as that, you may as well give up everything. Nothing says you will definitely lose, as well as the opposite. But to screw yourself out of the opportunity is not a good thing at all.

Jdoe

Last edited by Jdoe; 10-20-2003 at 12:12 AM..
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Old 10-20-2003, 12:16 AM   #26 (permalink)
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I still believe losing someone significant due to suicide is worse than any other outcome. Never had to lose someone in a negative way, but I've lost friends to suicide, and let me tell you, it was painful!
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Old 10-20-2003, 12:24 AM   #27 (permalink)
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the cliche "better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all" is simply implying the risk it takes to put yourself out there in a relationship. the vulnerability. but you must risk in order to live, learn and make mistakes. if you don't make mistakes, then you aren't trying anything.

i think it's better to love and lose bcos at least you experience these things. these emotions. these moments. which is a treasure and can always be cherished. even if only in memory.

Quote:
Originally posted by Harshaw
Not to menchion, if you don't take the risk of losing love, you will never find the person you will not lose.
very well said
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Old 10-20-2003, 05:18 PM   #28 (permalink)
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If you truly love someone, you never "get over it", you just learn to deal with it.

I've only been in love twice, and I'm lucky enough to be married to my second love. While my first relationship only lasted maybe 6 months, I know that the love I felt for her was true and I still feel it sometimes. Don't get me wrong, there were times I felt really angry and I don't think I'll ever fully forgive her for how she dumped me, but eventually I learned to accept these feelings and realized that they will always be a part of me.

Even before meeting my wife, I knew that falling in love the first time was not a mistake because dealing with the break-up and the healing process afterwards played a big role in shaping the person I am today. I'm very happy with the way I am now, so that also means that having loved and lost was a good thing for me in the big picture.
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Old 10-20-2003, 05:36 PM   #29 (permalink)
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I was "in love" 3 times. The first two broke up in bad ways, but they taught me about true love. I "loved" the first two but had no basis for comparison. I truly love my wife and have never met anyone I care to spend as much time with as I do her. On our last vacation, we left our kids with my mother and spent 10 days on a beach in Mexico. Except for 2 or 3 occasions, we were rarely further than 20 feet apart the whole time, and it was easily the best vacation either one of us had ever had.
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Old 10-20-2003, 07:26 PM   #30 (permalink)
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of course its better to have loved and lost. Sure it rips your still beating heart clean out of your chest and doggie bags it for later, but thats what life is about- Growth.
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Old 10-20-2003, 07:40 PM   #31 (permalink)
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Quote:
Originally posted by almostaugust
of course its better to have loved and lost. Sure it rips your still beating heart clean out of your chest and doggie bags it for later, but thats what life is about- Growth.
I honestly am not seeing how I am growing from this. In fact, I have lost 20 lbs over it all.
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Old 10-20-2003, 09:45 PM   #32 (permalink)
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Forgive the preachiness or whatever of the following, i'm just providing background. When I was 16, my very first girlfriend was taken from me. She was the first girl I ever really loved, and I loved her dearly. I lost her to a drunk driver. I had told her I loved her- and heard her say she loved me- and told her i'd see her the next day, just minutes before she hung up the phone and had the accident... I had no idea I was about to lose her forever.

Would I be willing to betray her memory by saying i'd rather have never loved, then loved and lost?

Never in a million years.

And that goes for any other people I love or have loved.
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Old 10-20-2003, 09:57 PM   #33 (permalink)
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Quote:
I honestly am not seeing how I am growing from this. In fact, I have lost 20 lbs over it all.

Yeah, I definitely have BARELY EATEN in like, a week... not cuz I don't want to, but because every time I do, I feel sick.... I dunno.... and stress does that to me, anyways....
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Old 10-21-2003, 01:16 PM   #34 (permalink)
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When ever someone asks this question, I think of a song by Micheal Penn that contains these lines:

"I'd rather feel the heat of August
then be sheltered and numb"

Couldn't agree more. Don't cut yourself off. The pain you may be going through now is much better than the slow gnawing of "What might have been."

Take it from one who knows.
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Old 10-22-2003, 01:05 PM   #35 (permalink)
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Love always. it brings pain and that sucks but i wouldnt give either up for the world. its life, its experience, life is meant to be experienced and that is the GREATEST expeience you can have. never compromise that. its just how we live and learn.

and troublebot is right , playing the "what if?" game will kill you many times over.
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Old 10-22-2003, 03:02 PM   #36 (permalink)
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I would say yes, but not with my last relationship. The breakup has only been about 3 weeks, so it still hurts really bad. I wish I didn't feel like this, never hurt so bad. For about 2 weeks I couldn't eat or sleep and just felt sick, I lived on Pepto Bismal. I want to try to move on and my friends want me to also, but it will never be the same. I gave myself to him, my very soul. Everything was perfect and he just ended it out of nowhere. There isn't a minute I don't think about him, I don't even want another guy to touch me. He has taken a lot from me, I only wish to be in his arms.
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Old 10-22-2003, 08:42 PM   #37 (permalink)
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Quote:
its life, its experience, life is meant to be experienced and that is the GREATEST expeience you can have. never compromise that. its just how we live and learn.

Easy to say now, my friend. I look at it now, and I see all the great times we had, everything we talked about/did/felt, and I recognize it as good times that I'm glad I got to experience. But the pain is so excruciating that at times I want to crumple into a ball and cry. But he's the only one who's been able to comfort me, and this time.... he's not there. I mean, we're still friends, but it's different. I'm sure that looking back on it in the future I might agree with you, but for now...

Quote:
I only wish to be in his arms.
Me too. *siiiiiigh* I don't think this is the best thing for me to concentrate on right before bed.....
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Old 10-23-2003, 02:30 PM   #38 (permalink)
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Quote:
Originally posted by MrSelfDestruct
I can speak from 19 years of experience that "never to have loved at all" just plain sucks.
Matter of perspective, I suppose, but I would prefer at this point to never know such a thing exists. Easier and less painful to shove hot needles in your eyes or appendages.

Veritas en Lux!
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Old 10-23-2003, 02:41 PM   #39 (permalink)
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Quote:
Originally posted by tikki
I honestly am not seeing how I am growing from this. In fact, I have lost 20 lbs over it all.
I'll trade ya. All I've done is gain weight. And I had too much to begin with.

Veritas en Lux!
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Old 10-23-2003, 07:19 PM   #40 (permalink)
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Location: UCSD, 510.49 miles from my love
sillygirl - it will be ok, trust me. When it comes to love, even when its broken or still carries on, it is possible to live through the pain. Trust me.

There will be more. I assure you. If you are truly being yourself here, I think any man would be insane to pass you up.
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